Madara's True Goal
When he'd learnt that Madara's goal was to be 'complete', Yamato had imagined, logically enough, that this would involve a more powerful form of the Sharingan or something to do with increased power anyway. His current situation had not even crossed his mind.
Madara gives him a sultry look as he? she? twines around him, cat-like. One long-fingered hand runs through his hair. Yamato decides that she is the appropriate pronoun because Uchiha Madara, aka 'Tobi', probable immortal, presumed leader of the remaining Akatsuki, is definitely male and therefore not the woman now draped across his lap despite bearing a suspicious resemblance to him. That decided, he still tries to release the genjutsu that he must be under.
No luck, the woman hasn't gone away. Maybe he's hallucinating instead, he thinks hopefully.
"Why are you part of my subconscious?" he asks idly.
She looks vaguely disappointed.
"Perhaps I should explain things to you, Yamato-kun."
The combination of seals she performs is not one that he's ever seen before and he tenses minutely.
"Exposition no Jutsu!"
Half a hour later, he's reeling from her revelations.
"So let me get this straight, you are actually Uchiha Madara?"
"And you suffered from unrequited love for Shodai-sama who preferred women instead?"
"This resulted in your quest for a sex-change jutsu."
"You gathered the most powerful shinobi to form the Akatsuki to help you achieve your goal."
"And kunoichi. Deidara, Itachi, Konan, Orochimaru and Sasori were all female and then Nagato had that female body as well so actually there were more women than men. The Akatsuki was ahead of the times in promoting gender equality and I was quite proud of them even if they refused to have the official theme song be Men In Tights."
Yamato's brain is busily attempting to leak out of his ears. Itachi was female? ...Actually that would explain a lot about hi- her. He did have to wonder why anyone would call a girl weasel though. Orochimaru wasn't a surprise, any man with hair like that was hiding something and he's willing to believe a lot about the snake sannin anyway.
"After collecting all the bijuu, you then had the power to overcome Kishimoto's pretty-boy complex and achieve your dream of becoming a woman. ...Who's Kishimoto and what does he have to do with anything?"
"...Nothing, it just sounded better that way."
Yamato tries to get her hands off him.
"I'm impressed, Yamato-kun. You performed a Clarification and Recap no Jutsu simultaneously on my Exposition no Jutsu without even trying. Not even Naruto managed that."
He has no idea what she's talking about.
"What do you want with me?"
"Isn't it obvious? With Hashirama gone, you're the next best thing. Don't worry, I'll take good care of you."
Based on a conversation with Nymbis. You can blame her for fem!Sasori and the Men In Tights theme song. Everything else was my idea though.
All the jutsu mentioned are used but not named in the manga. xD
Yes, this made absolutely no sense but then again, neither did the Pein arc and that was canon.
I totally ship fem!Madara x Yamato now.