Warning: Boyxboy, unbetaed, mistakes in language, OOC-ness, mpreg.
Hi folks! It had been a loooooooonnnng time huh?
Disclaimer: I don't own.
She was hating herself now.
Wasn't she the one that was going to help the two reconcile? However, in the end, she had allowed her feelings to get the better out of her and – there was nothing but a mess. She was not fully herself that time and all she remembered was feeling her blood begun to boil as those ungrateful words streamed out of the other's mouth; like a deadly poison to her ear. She vaguely recalled herself losing her self-control and burst out in the way she did not expect herself to.
It was only until now that Lenalee realized just how little one may know themselves.
She was about to burst into tears now, she knew, as her nose begun to sour and emerald eyes dampened. She hugged her pillow tighter, laying on her stomach and pressed her face, hard, into it. The soft article sank easily when the force was applied, and Lenalee could feel the snowy pillow cover turned moist, proving it much uncomfortable to lie upon as she had never been one for damped or soaked cloth. For that she hated being caught in the rain, and she would always prepare an umbrella when she was out of the Order.
But seriously, this was currently the last thing on her mind.
This terrible feeling would be lingering in her for some time, regardless of how much distress she would have vented out after her sobbing session. There would just be a nagging thing that would no doubt pester her, and would definitely grow if she would unfortunately meet the swordsman again after today.
A slip of mouth can cause one's dismay, was what she had heard when she was just a mere child. She remembered she had thought nothing of it until now when it hit her so hard in the face, and she realized that it would sting her like a bitch for a while. Words that fell like tumbling rocks on a cliff was something perhaps too heavy and difficult for her to stop then. She was being thoroughly irrational and had allowed those huge borders to slip past her lips, as if they had morphed into a savage water stream from high grounds. She should have crushed those rocks even before they reached her tongue. But, she didn't, and she would regret it.
She had locked her feelings multiple times with countless locks, burying it in the deepest and darkest part of her heart for she foresaw there would not be a need for them. She had, no doubt, grown immune to the pain when she witnessed the white-haired looking at him with such intensity of emotions. When having a small conversation, the Chinese had chose sweet ignorance and continued to talk when it was so painfully obvious that his attention was no longer on her, but the raven that was walking past them then.
It had hurt like fuck, but what was she to do?
And the person that had all his attentions every time did not even put it to heart, did not even realize just indeed how much he means to the British. He had just cast away the happiness she was craving, the love that she had long known she would never own. It angered her to the core, for that she would not deny, but also felt weak and defeated when she had allowed herself to vent it on Kanda.
However, she would not choose to be a moron like those two idiots did. She would make things right again, and made the two realize just how much they mean to each other.
He couldn't deny it, Lenelee's words had burnt – and he knew it was going to scar.
Just how much… did he mean to him?
He did not know, and he seriously did not want to find out.
Their first time together… he was not rational then. Consumed by much regret and grief, he just wanted some sort of comfort and, he was there to provide it. Although he remembered he had accepted the other's advances easily, he had not expected things to escalate into this state. He had expected that one time to be the only, with absolutely no emotions attached. However, he found the white-haired kept coming back to him, refusing to leave him alone. He was always in his sight after that night, always wanting to strike up a conversation and even asked if it was all right to bring their relationship closer.
That fucking freaked him out.
However, he just could not refuse the younger one when he wanted to have intercourse. He didn't know why and he refused himself the answer. He was afraid of it, afraid that if he were to allow any emotions to develop inside of him, it would change into deadly flames and scorched him. He would gladly choose physical injuries over emotional ones anytime. He just knew it would hurt so much more.
He brought up a hand and placed it on his abdomen, making soothing circular motions lightly as he walked on in the corridor to his room. Would the little guy want his father to know about him?
He then began to frown, feeling extremely foolish of him to even ask such questions. It was just plain ludicrous as he would get no answers, all he would get were the feelings of frustration and confusion…
Did he want Allen to know then…?
He didn't really know…
Suddenly, haste footsteps that indicated someone was running echoed throughout the hallway. They were becoming louder as the person drew closer. Kanda chose to ignore it, but found himself caught off his guard as a hand placed itself on one of his shoulder, wanting to stop him in his tracks. He turned around reluctantly, feeling very annoyed as he was in a mood that made him even more unsociable than usual.
"What the fuck do you -" Kanda unconsciously cut himself off, his eyes slightly bulging as he took in the seriousness Komui's face was displaying. The older man only had this expression on when he was discussing about missions or something dire and important. He then immediately knew something was crucial, and the raven was somehow involved in it.
The thing that somewhat irked Kanda was the emotions of great concern and empathy that was displayed in the orbs of the other man. He could feel the hand on him tensed, gripping his shoulders with an unneeded force that puzzled the swordsman. In the bottom of his heart, he could already sense that something was strangely amiss as a dreadful feeling wormed its way in.
"Allen, he is in the infirmary now. And his condition is not optimistic."
"Moyashi," Kanda shouted as he threw the door open. Letting out a silent gasp, he took a step into the room hesitatingly as he wanted to get a closer look at Allen. He was as pale as snow, seemingly as if all life had been cruelly sucked out of him. Some parts of the bandages had been dyed a light red, indicating that he was still bleeding, albeit not as much as some time ago. The raven's eyes quickly caught on to the exorcist uniform that was hung on a side of the wall, some section, especially the lower part, was spotting an even darker shade of black. The patch was undeniably big, and his eyebrows furrowed in worry.
"Hi, Yuu," Lavi was the first to break the silence and a smile, a fake one, Kanda noticed, was on the redhead's face. His voice undoubtedly betrayed his fatigue and sadness, the guilt never once leaving his mind as he turned around to look at the teen on the bed before him again. The other's hand was still too cold, and he grasped it tighter with a heavier heart. If by doing so could make the white-haired's body warm again, to make him wake up from his coma, Lavi was willing to give all of his body temperature to Allen.
"How… is he," the slight pause in Kanda's sentence was the moment where he spent to prevent his emotion from showing, to stop the crack in his voice that he knew was going to come out after he spoke the first word. He inhaled deeply as his heart clenched painfully tight, wanting to calm himself down as he walked forward. The more he got closer to the bed, the more the agony grew in his chest. The moyashi was in such a bad shape that Kanda feared he would be taken away by the hand of Death anytime.
The raven stretched out a slightly shaky hand, brushing a cheek of the younger one lightly, so light the touch was as if anymore force could break him. His hand felt not the warmth that Allen always radiated from his skin, but a haunting coldness that the swordsman had never experienced before. Kanda bit his lower lip, forcing down the pain that was going to erupt from within his chest.
He didn't know why he was feeling like this, feeling so much misery and distress from seeing the white-haired in such state. He should not had been caring so much, his heart should not had been aching so much, his tears should not had been gathering at the brim of his eyes…
"Allen's condition isn't very stable yet, so we have to keep watch on him just in case," Lavi explained, his eyes never once leaving the British. "It was my fault, if I had reached him earlier, I could have prevented all of this…" the last word was said in an angry hiss as Lavi's body started to tremble, his teeth gritted as Kanda knew he was reproaching himself in his mind.
"It's not your fault, nobody wanted this to happen," although Kanda's voice was void of emotion like it normally was, Lavi felt his tensed self relaxed considerably as he knew the other was comforting him. He gave him a grateful smile, his eyes now getting back some of the shine they once had.
In the middle of the night, Kanda had chased Lavi out of the room. Although no kind words had been said by Kanda while doing so, the red head knew the other wanted him to go back to his own room to get some rest. He could only express his gratitude with a soft 'thanks' before he went out.
"Moyashi," Kanda started after the red head left, feeling another wave of anguish washed over him, "I will personally kill you if you don't wake up now." His voice was still as threatening as ever, with the same sharpness of Mugen in battles, but he just could not hide the hint of sadness in it too.
Suddenly, a teardrop started streaming down his left cheek, and shortly his right cheek too. They fell upon the bed sheet and dampened the material as two dark spots appeared on it. His sight blurred as more gathered in his eyes, forming two seemingly endless rivers on his face.
Why was he crying for him? Had the other really crept so deeply into his heart without him knowing? Did he mean more than the raven thought he was to him in reality?
He did not know and he did not want to ponder any further. All he wanted was not answers to these questions, but Allen to wake up and stay by his side again.
"Wake up now, you hear me!"
Still seeing no reaction from the other, Kanda could only grasp his hand within his own.
How long has it been really? Almost a year now…? This had to be my longest writer's block. I hope you enjoyed it, although I think this chapter was not as well done as I had wanted it to be. Review?