Youth and Innocence
1. Hiruzen, being trained to become Hokage doesn't entitle you to add your face to the mountain yet. If you try it again, I'll nominate Homura for Hokage instead.
2. Your apprenticeship with Touka is over, Koharu. She cites cruel and unusual use of the Hell-Viewing jutsu on perverts at the hot springs as the main reason. Hatake-san is a valuable shinobi despite his issues and we cannot afford to have him out of commission for so long again.
3. Homura, the ANBU pride themselves on their stealth and constantly showing them up like that will just result in pain for someone. (Probably you.)
4. Tobirama, you may be my brother and a highly capable shinobi but I seriously wonder about your teaching methods sometimes. Capturing a Hyuuga elder is not a training exercise and someone could have got seriously injured. (Next time, you can sit through the meeting with the clan head and explain your actions personally.)
5. Enma's staff is not meant to be used that way, Hiruzen, and if you do it one more time, you'll get thrown into the Forest of Death for a week.
6. The Aburame are not freaky bug guys and the next time you insult them, you will meet them on the training ground to apologise instead of in my office.
7. The battle between myself and Madara does not count as a breaking of the Senju-Uchiha truce so you can stop declaring war on the Uchiha now. You don't have the authority to do it anyway.
Tobirama, Touka, if I find out that you were helping them, you'll be teaching in the Academy for a year.
8. Occasionally, experience does, in fact, count for something. That said, I know where all three of you live and if you replace all of my paperwork with porn again, you will be my secretaries until you become jounin.
9. Team Tobirama is now forbidden from going within a hundred feet of the Academy or any of its students. That includes you, Tobirama. You all know why and hengeing into other people to get round this rule will be punished severely.
10. Koharu is banned from giving tips of any kind to Ekiguchi Raku and Mitarashi Hanami. Five-year-old girls are not meant to cackle that way or terrify fully-grown shinobi by winking.
10b. Koharu is no longer allowed to communicate with either of them in any way.
10c. Neither of them will ever be on your genin team, Koharu, so you can put those photos away now.
11. Listing your superiors in the Bingo Book as missing-nin is a serious crime and not a funny joke. After the fifth time, the hunter-nin signed a petition to use you as target practice. I'm one brush-stroke away from approving it so don't push me.
12. Failing ten D-ranks in a row is not a sign of skill, Tobirama, so please stop telling your genin that. They already have enough odd ideas as it is.
13. I don't care how attractive you find Chiyo of Suna, Homura, the ANBU headquarters is not an appropriate place for your first date.
(You shouldn't even know where it is anyway.)
14. Tobirama will never be allowed to take another genin team. Ever.
14b. His students must be carefully vetted before being allowed to become jounin-sensei as well.
14c. The list of Academy students who cannot be in any of their potential teams was two feet long at last count and still growing.
14d. Do you three want to be the only jounin forbidden from having any students?
15. Genin teams are not an excuse to have threesomes. I have no idea how you got the Academy students to believe that considering you have a hundred-foot restraining order preventing you from going anywhere near them but you will disillusion them rapidly.
15b. And no, the restraining order will not be lifted in order for you to do that. Put your incredibly over-active imaginations to use instead.
16. Eating the brain of a Yamanaka will not give you the ability to read minds so don't try it. Inoki was not amused and the damage bill wasn't funny either.
17. The explosive tag extraction jutsu is not to be used for practical jokes. ANBU have no sense of humour when it comes to potentially endangering the structural integrity of the Hokage tower and neither do I.
17b. Team Tobirama may only have explosive tags while they're on missions. Anyone caught supplying them with some outside of one will be punished.
18. There is no village hidden in the sea and even if there was, the password would not be 'it's better down here where it's wetter'.
18b. Finding it doesn't get you an instant promotion to chuunin either.
18c. The same goes for the villages hidden in the bear claw, heat haze and red bean jam.
18d. Stop making up villages.
19. Being able to figure out if a tree falling in a forest makes a sound when no one's around to hear it is not the way I choose my apprentices. Stop telling people that, you three, or I'll have you deal with the flood of applications that you caused.
19b. Other philosophical riddles also apply.
19c. There is no short cut to becoming my apprentice and I'm seriously reconsidering having one at all, Hiruzen.
20. I'm sure that given enough time, you could explain what exactly you were doing with the glitter, glue and pile of chuunin vests in training ground fourteen. However this is the sixth time you've been caught and the ANBU really have better things to do.
20b. This is not an invitation for you to try harder.
20c. Glitter and glue are now on the list of substances Team Tobirama is not allowed to possess under any circumstances.
Touka is a Senju mentioned in the third databook. She was a genjutsu mistress who served as an advisor to Hashirama.
All the fake villages are countries mentioned in filler episodes.
Ekiguchi Raku and Mitarashi Hanami are my names for Kakashi and Anko's mothers, respectively.
I really love Team Tobirama. Expect to see more fic featuring them.