Title: A Mild Spring Day
Summary: When Bella thinks she's pregnant, to show their solidarity, Alice and Rosalie take tests, too. When the wrong test comes up positive, hilarity ensues. Possibly Crack. AUAH
Author's Note: Based on a true story.
It was a mild spring day in April and plants were erupting slowly from the soggy soil of Forks, Washington. People were shedding their winter coats for lighter, water resistant jackets, and the air smelled of fresh, new life. However, new life was exactly what had one young woman in hysterics at the pristine home owned by Esme and Carlisle Cullen.
Bella Swan was sitting on the side of their shiny bathtub, a roll of toilet paper in hand as she kept blowing her nose. After going to the bathroom and still not having her period, one week after it should have started, she was hysterical. She let out a loud, gut-wrenching cry that finally alerted her friends who were chatting in the living room downstairs.
Alice Cullen, who had arranged for Bella and her sister-in-law Rosalie to meet up at the Cullen home, raced up the stairs, a confused Rosalie following cautiously. After convincing Bella to unlock the door, Rosalie perched on the closed toilet seat, and Alice took the spot beside Bella.
"What's wrong, Bella? Is something going on with you and Edward?" Alice asked, glancing at Rosalie who looked just as baffled as to what could have Bella, usually so calm, in
"Where is it?!" Bella sobbed, ignoring Alice's question. "Where are my cramps, the irritation, the BLEEDING?!"
"Oh my God, Bella, is your period late?" Alice blurted out the obvious.
"YES! A week late! I'm never late! Ohmygodohmygod, I cannot be pregnant! I just can't!" Bella started hiccupping as she whimpered and moaned at the agony of all that lay before her. Her career as an editor would have to go on hiatus, Edward and her would have to get married immediately – or else Charlie would hunt him with the shotgun – plus she would have to be pregnant for nine, terrible months. Her heartbeat was increasing with every thought and Bella wrestled with it, preventing a possible panic attack.
"Condoms suck!" she shouted in fury.
Alice was rubbing her arm soothingly and Rosalie went to the sink to get a Dixie cup. Rosalie filled the cup with water and handed it to Bella, whose hiccups disappeared after downing it.
"Thanks," Bella said. "Oh God, what am I gonna do?"
Rosalie, ever the cool one, said, "Well, you're going to have to take a pregnancy test. It's very possible you're period is just late on its own. It happens to me all the time. Which is actually part of the reason…" she trailed off, not wanting to add, 'Why I can't conceive.'
Bella suddenly felt stricken with horror for an entirely different reason. Here she was, pregnant on accident, crying and hysterical, with a woman who had been trying to get pregnant for four years with her husband, Alice's brother Emmett. Rose must want to kill me, Bella thought, properly abashed. That thought dried the last of her tears.
"You're right, it could be nothing. I'll just go take a pregnancy test and be done with it…" Bella bit her lip. "What if someone sees me buying it? Forks is so small…it could get back to my dad…"
Alice hummed for a minute, thinking it over. "I could go buy it for you," she offered with her sweetest smile, the crooked one that she and Edward got from their father.
"Would you, Alice?" Bella asked hopefully.
"Of course, I would! You've been my friend since my pre-boob high school years. Besides, my parents would only be happy if they thought it was me who was pregnant - even if it was mysteriously without a boyfriend. Esme wants grandchildren like nobody's business!" Alice watched from the corner of her eye as Rosalie's face went blank. Rosalie wanted to be the one to give Esme grandchildren first, but it looked like that was an impossibility. They had tried all kinds of treatments, but Rosalie's uterus was apparently extremely resistant to everything. Especially sperm.
"Thanks, Alice," Bella said softly.
Rosalie stood, flinging her blonde hair back over her shoulder. "I'll keep Bella occupied while you go get them. We'll watch Sex and the City or something…"
With that, Alice fluttered off, searching for her purse and keys, before heading off to the drugstore in town.
Downtown Forks was small, at best. The Chinook Pharmacy and Variety was the only place to go in town if you had need for medicine. It just so happened, that Eric Yorkie had terrible allergies in the spring and that April was aggravating them particularly bad. He was in desperate need for some Benadryl.
As he walked into the store, he glanced at who was at the checkout counter. Who could it be, but a girl he had gone to high school with: Alice Cullen. He opened his mouth to say hi, but stopped himself when he noticed the hot items she was purchasing.
Not one, not two, but three pregnancy tests. His bulging out his head, face flushed, Eric dodged out of her sight into what turned out to be the adult diapers section. He struggled to recall who Alice was dating. When no one came to mind, he made a mental note to ask her brother, Emmett.
Yes, Eric decided. I'll have to give him a call…
"They only had one brand, but I bought three, because I had an utterly brilliant idea!" Alice squealed, running into the living room where Bella and Rosalie were camped out watching Sex and the City the movie. Alice paused in shock.
"Rose, what's – wrong – with – you?" Alice stuttered out. Rosalie looked up, wiping the tears off her face.
Rosalie looked affronted at the question. "What? A girl can't cry when Mr. Big and Steve start acting like shitheads?"
Bella had turned to see what the fuss was about. "Oh, wow! Rosalie you're really crying. You never cry!"
Rosalie sniffled resentfully. "I do cry, just…not usually in public. This movie just…is really good or something," she muttered petulantly. "What are we doing talking about me, anyway? What was this brilliant idea of yours?"
Alice beamed, an expression of complete satisfaction on her face. "I thought, since Bella is so scared about the results, that it wouldn't hurt for me and you to take one, too. As an act of solidarity."
Rosalie smiled. "You know, it is a good way to test if this brand of test is accurate. If we all come out positive, we know something's wrong with it. It's physically impossible for me to get pregnant, and Alice isn't seeing anyone right now." Alice made a face at the last comment, which didn't go unnoticed by Bella. Not wanting her friend to dwell on her singleness, she tried to change the subject.
"It'll definitely make me feel a lot less weird," Bella said. "I think I might need to drink some juice or something before I can generate enough pee."
Alice jumped at the distraction. "Right! Mom keeps a bunch of juices in the fridge. Let's go toast for a non-prego Bella."
The three women made their way to the adorable kitchen Esme had designed. Rosalie and Bella made themselves at home at the breakfast bar, while Alice got out various juices and glasses. Each with a glass in hand, they began to drink.
Bella's face was pale as she sipped at her juice.
Rosalie's was a smooth mask of calm.
Alice's was a mix between anxious and happy.
They drank silently, each with the same thing on their minds.
Emmett Cullen was having a good day. His wife had taken off to meet for some "girl time" with his sister and younger brother's girlfriend. That meant he could drink beer, eat the pizza Rosalie didn't like, and watch the game. He loved his wife, but sometimes a man needed to scratch his balls in the company of other males.
To celebrate this occasion, he'd invited his former baseball teammates from high school, Jasper Whitlock, Tyler Crowley, and Mike Newton. The afternoon had been spectacular, thus far, and Emmett thought the day couldn't get any better.
Then he heard his home phone ringing.
"Shit, I bet it's Rose, telling me she's coming home early," he said with a sigh, grudgingly getting off the couch to answer the kitchen phone, away from the blaring television.
The Caller ID surprised him by informing him that it wasn't his wife calling him, but Eric Yorkie. "Hey, it's Erick Yorkie!" He called to his friends in the other room. "Did you guys let it slip we were getting together? You know I can't stand him!" Emmett said, only to get a few chuckles for his trouble from his friends in the other room.
He debated not answering, but in the end, knew that Eric would only call repeatedly until he got a hold of him.
"Hewow, is ziss Emmedd?" Eric's voice was tainted by what sounded like a terrible cold.
"Uh, yeah," Emmett said, trying not to laugh.
After making the usual inquiries about family, health, and employment, Eric finally got to what Emmett believed was the real point for his call.
"So, I was wonnering…I saw your sisser ad zuh drugsore dooday." Eric took a long breath.
Oh my fucking God, he's not going to ask permission to date Alice, is he? No, the answer is no, douchebag, Emmett nearly growled out loud. Emmett could admit that he was a little overprotective of his little sister. Edward, the middle child, had the same feelings, and no man had yet been good enough for Alice. Alone, Emmett had beaten up six of her old boyfriends. With Edward's count, they'd taken down eleven (Alice had only dated eleven guys).
Emmett actually did end up growling slightly when he spoke next, "And?"
Eric sneezed, and coughed several times.
"AND?" Emmett prodded angrily.
"She…she seemed to be da-ding someone. I was juss wonnering who had finally godden passd the Cullen defenses." Relief and fury simultaneously welled within Emmett.
His voice was deadly calm as he replied. "I'm not aware of her dating anyone."
"Shid, man! I wouldn'd of said anyding if I doughd you didn'd know!" Eric hacked out through his mucus words.
Emmett, in the same, deadly calm, began to hurriedly ask a series of questions that Eric answered rapidly and with no small dose of terror.
"Who was she with? Are you sure? No one was out in the car? Did she look happy? Sad? Angry? Any bruises or signs of abuse? Did she say anything to you? Why didn't you ask her who she was dating herself?" The silence was deafening. "What did she buy?"
Eric's answer was meek and quiet, but it was all Emmett needed to know to be contemplating murder.
"Thank you, Eric. I'll talk to you later," he hung up the phone without waiting for a response.
He looked around his kitchen, the idea of his little sister, abandoned, hurt, and pregnant, ran through his mind. Clenching his fists, he made a decision.
The bastard that did this to her would pay with castration.
"I think I'm ready to pee!" Alice announced happily, completely unawares to the murderous thoughts her eldest brother was having.
"Me too," Bella and Rosalie said in unison.
"Not to worry, I'll take my parents bedroom bathroom, Bella can have the upstairs, and Rosalie can go to the one in my old room. Then, bring our tests back to the living room to wait." Alice said, wiggling a little as she crossed her legs to keep from peeing. "Aren't you glad I convinced you that my parents' house was so much better than any of our places?"
"Multiple bathrooms – such a luxury," Bella sighed, misery kicking in as she grabbed one of the pregnancy test boxes. With pressing bladders, they took the stairs in a hurry, disappearing into their respective bathrooms.
A few minutes later they reappeared, each holding a stick in hand.
Alice looked down in disgust. "On second thought, these little monsters should stay in the bathroom." They joined together in the same bathroom Bella had been crying in earlier. "By the way, I set an alarm on my phone for when we can check."
They each carelessly set their sticks down side-by-side.
Bella started chewing her nails.
Rosalie twirled her hair.
Alice tapped her foot.
They waited a bit longer.
"I think I'm going to puke. Does that mean I have morning sickness?" Bella asked nervously.
"It's the afternoon," Alice said wisely.
Bella chewed her lip. "You know, I thought that by 22 I could handle having kids. No way. No way at all. I'll have to give it up for adoption."
"Or you can have it, Rosalie," Bella added.
Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Thanks."
"Charlie will kill Edward. Hopefully not after Edward kills me. Edward wanted to wait until we were married. He hasn't even gotten around to proposing, but I know that's what he wants. He's going to be so angry…" Bella continued to ramble. "I can't imagine telling Edward. Or Charlie. Or…Oh, holy crow. Renee."
Alice gently patted Bella's leg. "Calm down, Bella, it's time to check in 3…2…1." The alarm beeped ominously.
Bella took a shaky breath.
"Can you look for me?" Bella pleaded.
Alice gave Bella a disapproving look. With these childish behaviors, Bella really shouldn't be having children.
"Oh, I'll look," Rosalie huffed, standing to study the pee sticks. Her calm features suddenly broke. Her eyes widened, her perfectly pruned eyebrows shot upwards, mouth opened in surprise.
"Bella, I have known you since you thought a blowjob literally meant to blow on the penis and I think the only way to break this to you is by quoting a very witty movie by the name of Juno."
Bella squeezed her eyes shut. Rosalie only quoted movies on very special occasions. That was something she and Emmett did, a couple's thing. "Bella, this is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet."
"You're serious?" Alice asked in disbelief. She jumped up to study the sticks herself. Her face was serious, then abruptly disturbed. "Wait…Are you sure that's Bella's? I thought hers was the one on the left?"
Bella's face filled with unadulterated hope.
"Alice, we already covered that it's impossible for you and I to be pregnant right now."
Alice suddenly turned an uncommon shade of red.
"Um, well, I am sort of seeing someone right now," she admitted very softly.
Rosalie and Bella gaped. "WHAT?"
"I didn't want to tell anybody…You know how my brothers get," Alice defended herself. "I didn't want you two to get in trouble, if I asked you not to tell them."
Bella was stunned, her brown eyes filled with tears. No matter what, either she or Alice was pregnant. Not the ideal situation for a budding book editor and clothing designer.
Rosalie, ever coolheaded, went straight to the main problem at hand. "Forget who you're dating, Alice, which stick is yours?"
"God, I don't know! I wasn't paying attention! I'm on the pill...but it can happen," Alice worried, her hands nervously playing with a hand towel.
"I thought mine was in the middle," Bella said, getting up to see that the middle test was negative.
Rosalie shook her head, "They could have gotten mixed up. Honestly, I thought they'd all be negative. I also didn't count on Miss Alice keeping her secret lover man from us."
"Sorry!" Alice squeaked, embarrassed. "I thought they'd all be negative, too."
"Then why did you guys tell me to take one if you thought I wasn't pregnant?" Bella asked, crossing her arms.
"You were so panicked – I believed this would be the fastest way to helping you calm down," Rosalie said.
Bella moaned in despair. "Now I feel worse. I think I have to go to the doctor."
Alice cringed. "God, we should both go." They both settled onto the side of the tub.
Rosalie shook her head. "You do know that Carlisle's going to find out if you do that."
The two other women blanched.
"Oh, God, which is more embarrassing? Going to your dad for a pregnancy test or going to your boyfriend's dad for one?" Bella wondered hopelessly.
A gasp came from just outside the bathroom door. It opened, revealing the glowing face of Esme Cullen. The excitement rolled off her in powerful waves – just as powerfully as fear rolled off Bella and Alice. Esme's lips were so wide it was possible they might crack. It was clear, in that moment, where Alice's excitable nature came from.
"I got home from work early and heard voices," she said apologetically, although the smile never left her face. Then, she clapped her hands together, unable to contain herself any longer. "Now, which one of you dears is going to give me a grandbaby?!"
"Emmett, dude, you need to speak to us," Mike said. The game was long forgotten since their friend came in, a vengeful grimace permanently on his face.
"Why isn't Edward answering his phone?" Emmett grumbled. He hadn't said anything else for fifteen minutes.
"Why do you need to call Edward?" Jasper asked, confused. "What did Yorkie say?"
Emmett finally glanced into the concerned eyes of one of his oldest friends. "He said Alice was at the drugstore."
Jasper's expression changed minutely, but quickly returned to the originally expression. "Is she sick?"
The vein on Emmett's neck pounded furiously. "No," he grunted.
"What was she doing, then, man?" Tyler asked, unable to contain himself.
Emmett looked at the TV, though it was obvious he wasn't paying attention to what was going on. "She was buying…pregnancy tests."
"Whoa!" "Holy shit!" Mike and Tyler hooted, reeling that anyone would knock-up Alice Cullen with two overprotective brothers. All the blood in Jasper's face had vanished.
"She's pregnant?" Jasper managed to croak.
Emmett snarled. "When I find out which fucker did this to her, I'm going to cut off his balls and feed them to a feral cats. I'm going to reshape his face until Alice can't even recognize him anymore. I'm going to beat him unconscious!"
Jasper backed away a few feet. "Emmett, I think you just need to calm down," though Jasper himself was no where near calm. "Until – until you do, I think I'll – I'll be off. Somewhere else." Then Jasper snapped up his jacket and bolted out the door.
Emmett was too angry to notice the guilt, but Tyler and Mike weren't.
"Oh, fuck," Tyler snorted. Mike began laughing silently, tears streaming down his face.
"Damn, Emmett. Didn't you notice?" Mike asked, not above ratting out his other friend.
Emmett's eye twitched. "Notice. What."
"That Jasper was guiltier than a perv caught with binoculars and a hand down his pants," Mike replied, still laughing.
Emmett leapt out of his seat.
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" He bellowed, running out of his house. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
The sound of squealing tires signaled that Jasper was hightailing it out of there.
Tyler opened another beer, relaxing into the couch. "Best game ever," he commented, returning to the TV.
"Mom, I didn't want to lie to you, but you know how the boys are," Alice finished explaining the situation to her mother about how they didn't know if it was Alice or Bella who was pregnant. Either way, Esme was pleased: she was going to be a grandma.
"Well, Jasper is an upstanding gentleman. He's friends with both your brothers, so I'm sure they'll go easy on him," Esme said, giving her daughter a hug.
"I doubt it," the other three women said together, before busting out into giggles.
Esme shook her head. "I don't know where they get it. Your father isn't like that at all."
I make them good girls go bad, suddenly filled the air. It was Alice's phone, ringing in her pocket. The Cobra Starship song made them giggle harder. "Jasper!" Alice exclaimed at the sound. She pulled out her phone, "Hey, baby!"
Her happy face fell very quickly.
"Oh. Oh no…I'll call him and meet you at the hospital, okay?" she listened to him speak. "I don't know yet, that's why we're going to go see my dad…He's going to find out anyway…Jasper? Jasper?" Alice repeated. She stared at the phone. "That didn't sound good."
"What's going on?" Rosalie asked, perched beside the pee sticks.
Alice was exasperated. "Your husband is what. He's gone maniac on Jasper. Someone must have seen me at the drugstore, because Emmett found out I might be pregnant." The three other women in the room each took on appropriate dismayed faces. "He also figured out by Jasper's reaction to the news – that Jasper was responsible."
"And is now trying to give him grievous bodily harm?" Rosalie guessed.
Alice punched a number into the phone and held it to her ear, "Yep. I can never keep my boyfriends in one piece with Emmett and Edward around…Now, shh, I'm trying to call Emmett."
Bella looked skeptical. "You think he'll answer when he's on a rampage?"
Alice's face dropped into a forlorn, basset hound expression. "No."
Rosalie grabbed her own phone. "He might if it's from me."
"Worth a shot," Esme nodded. "Cross your fingers, ladies."
Emmett was driving wildly, bumper to bumper with Jasper's car. Emmett's jeep could easily take on the environmentally friendly Prius that Jasper drove.
Alice in wonderland…The embarrassing Disney song that Alice had programmed to be her ringtone was playing. But Emmett ignored it. He needed to kick some ass. Jasper was a big guy, but Emmett had muscle mass on him.
"That bastard. Taking advantage of Alice. Knocking her up. I'm going to string his balls up with my Christmas lights…" Emmett muttered.
She likes to shake her ass, she grinds it to the beat…That made Emmett stop. Rosalie calling. He debated for a moment. If he answered, it would slow down his driving. If he didn't answer, it could mean no sex for a week.
With a sigh, he pulled out his phone.
"Yes?" He tried to use his best innocent boy voice.
"Emmett, stop trying to kill Jasper now. Alice was buying pregnancy tests for Bella!"
Emmett stopped short. "What? Bella's pregnant?"
"Maybe. She's going to go to the doctor to make sure."
Emmett thought it over, losing sight of Jasper who was going 80 in a 25 zone.
"Does Edward know?"
Rosalie's voice was hesitant. "No, there's nothing to tell so far."
Emmett grunted. "I don't like all the secrets around here. Someone needs to tell Edward."
He heard his wife sighing on the other end. "We'll tell him after we go to the doctor."
"I don't like it," Emmett said, but more like a petulant child than an angry man out for blood. Bella wasn't his sister and while protective of her, he by no means faulted either of them for accidentally getting pregnant. However, Edward was his brother. He would have to tell him about the situation.
"You don't have to like it, babe. If you promise to play nice, you can meet us at the hospital. We're on our way there now."
"Okay, see you soon."
He hung up on Rosalie, but quickly speed-dialed Edward. Jasper was granted a little clemency for now.
"Rose! Now he's going to tell Edward!" Alice shrieked, once Rosalie hung up the phone.
"It was the truth and it very well could have saved Jasper's life," Rosalie said practically. "Emmett did not sound happy. This is double pain for Jasper, honestly. He betrayed Emmett as a friend and screwed his sister." Rosalie gave the mournful Alice a sympathetic gesture. "It's true, but maybe I can pull some strings to convince him to leave him in full working order."
"Oh, God, we better get to the hospital quick, Jasper and Emmett are going to be there alone!" Alice said, rushing out the door.
Esme tried to be positive, "At least if he gets injured, the doctors are nearby, honey," but Alice was already gone.
Oh what is the malted liquor, what gets you drunker quicker? What comes in bottles or in cans? BEER!
Edward Cullen's phone was ringing.
"Damn you, Emmett!" Edward cursed. It was a common problem in their family to program specific ring tones on other family members' phones that were inappropriate or embarrassing to have go off in public.
"Sorry," he muttered to the elderly woman beside him in the lobby. They'd been sitting together for the past thirty minutes. She was knitting a very unusually shaped blanket and getting annoyed with how often Edward's phone was going off.
"Answer it already. They've called you five times," the woman said. It was true. Emmett waited about twenty minutes since the first set of calls, but he didn't appear to want to wait for Edward to call him back.
He grabbed the phone, silencing it. "Hello?"
His brother paused. "Hey, bro. Brace yourself." Edward attempted to brace himself, yet before he could be properly braced, Emmett dumped the news on him. "Bella might be pregnant."
"Pregnant?" Edward managed to gasp out, then, in three seconds flat, Edward was passed out on the lobby floor. Emmett really should have given him longer to brace.
The elderly woman didn't even look up from her knitting. "Excuse me, I think this young man is going to need to see the doctor first. He's passed out cold on the floor."
Dr. Carlisle Cullen stepped out into the hospital lobby. "Oh, what happened? He was only coming in for a check-up." The doctor leant over his son, checking his vitals.
The woman, still not looking up from her knitting, replied. "He got a phone call, croaked out the word 'pregnant' and went down cold," she clucked her tongue after that. "A young lady should never inform a man that she's pregnant over the phone."
Carlisle chuckled. "Mrs. Watson, I think we might have to delay your appointment awhile longer. I'm going to have to find my son an empty bed before I can attend any more patients."
Mrs. Watson still refused to cease her knitting. "No problem. I've got my knitting. I can be here all day."
"Thank you, Mrs. Watson." Carlisle then called for a bed, and a couple nurses to help lift his unconscious son into a bed. Surreptitiously, Mrs. Watson dug her heel into Edward's cell phone, successfully cracking it. That Beer song had gotten on her last nerve.
A few minutes later, an agitated Jasper rushed in through the doors, approaching the nurses' station. "Has an Alice Cullen come in yet?" he asked anxiously.
"I'm afraid not, but her father just took her brother in on a gurney," the nurse answered.
Jasper did a double-take. "Emmett?"
"No, the younger one," the nurse said unhelpfully.
"Oh, there's Emmett now," the nurse said, bewildered. "He doesn't look very happy."
Jasper whirled around to see the large, unforgiving form of Emmett Cullen bearing down on him.
"Emmett! Whoa! This is a hospital!" Jasper said, attempting to soothe his friend. "No fighting in here!"
Emmett tried to smile, but it was more like a grimace. "That won't stop me."
The nurse, in a real attempt to be helpful, interrupted. "Edward is in room 103, if you'd like to see him."
"Edward's in the hospital?" The burly Cullen stopped in his tracks.
Jasper shrugged. "Apparently."
Emmett eyes went wild. "I killed him! I told him she was pregnant and he literally died!" Jasper was baffled, but followed as Emmett rushed down the hall towards room 103. Neither of them listened as the nurse explained that he merely fainted.
Jasper and Emmett found room 103 with Carlisle checking Edward's vitals.
"Dad, what happened to Edward? I think I killed him!" Emmett said, ever the irrational little boy.
Carlisle turned, giving a friendly grin to Jasper, before addressing Emmett. "All I know is that Mrs. Watson told me that Edward said 'pregnant' and passed out cold on the lobby floor. He was only in for a check-up, but now I've had to give him a bed." Carlisle sighed, patting his unconscious son's foot.
"I told him Bella might be pregnant over the phone. I guess I didn't give him long enough to brace himself or something…" Emmett's tone was regretful.
Jasper was stunned. "Wait, I thought Alice was pregnant."
Carlisle and Jasper both turned to Emmett for answers. "Rosalie called me and explained that Alice was just buying pregnancy tests for Bella. Alice is safe."
"But Bella still could be pregnant?" Carlisle clarified.
"Yep. Edward, my little brother the stud." Emmett's chest puffed out in pride.
Jasper laughed, forgetting that the man making him laugh also wanted to turn his balls into cat food.
Emmett seemed to remember himself. "YOU! What are you doing with Alice? You thought she COULD have been pregnant!" Emmett had nearly launched himself on Jasper, but Carlisle grabbed a hold of him.
"Emmett, this is no way to handle your anger. What have I told you?" Carlisle flung his son into a chair. "For the last time, son: Alice is allowed to have boyfriends. Jasper is your friend, one of your oldest friends, in fact. He seems the ideal candidate, actually."
Emmett stared at his feet and said nothing.
"Fine. I thought you were more mature than this. I'm disappointed in you, Emmett."
"Aw, dad. Don't say that. That's worse than anything," Emmett whined.
Carlisle gave Jasper an encouraging thump on the back and left the room.
"Shit," Emmett mumbled.
Jasper was silent at the foot of Edward's bed.
"I love her, Emmett. If that means anything," Jasper said quietly, finally speaking.
Edward grunted. "Who loves who?" he asked, his voice garbled.
"Jasper loves Alice."
Edward's face broke out into a wide, uncontrollable grin - his resemblance to his mother uncanny. "That's wonderful news. At least I know where you live, in case you hurt her. Then I can castrate you without having to Google you first."
Jasper withheld a laugh. "I think he's still out of it from fainting."
"I did not faint," Edward denied. Then it dawned on him. "Oh, God. Bella's pregnant. Holy fuck."
"No worries, man, I got your back. Rose will baby-sit. I'll teach him how to be a real man while you go off to medical school and Bella does her book editing thing," Emmett offered. The lack of bodily harm showed that he was temporarily letting Jasper off the hook.
"Bella and I can't have kids now. We aren't married, we don't have the money, we have careers…" Edward trailed off, the fear of a child weighing on his mind.
Emmett gave his loud, barking laugh. "Aw, it ain't all bad. They're cute when they're tiny. Then, they grow up and you can teach 'em whatever you like. You get your chance to screw up a kid anyway you want. I'd love to have one of my own…" it was Emmett's turn to trail off.
Edward shut up after that, keeping his thoughts to himself. One man's trash is another man's treasure, Edward thought, then chastised himself for comparing babies to trash.
His introspective moment was interrupted by the entrance of the four most important women in his life. His mother, sister, sister-in-law, and girlfriend.
"Edward, what happened?" Bella gasped, "The nurse said you fainted!"
He was about to answer, when Alice shouted in excitement, "Jasper! You're still in one piece!"
Rosalie made her way over to her husband, settling contentedly in his lap and going right to work to save Alice's boyfriend from extreme harm. "I'm so proud of you, Em. If you can keep from beating him up for a month, I promise to do that thing with my tongue…"
"Ahem," Esme cleared her throat. "Edward, dear, are you alright?"
Edward flushed in humiliation. "I'm fine. But, Bella? You need to go take that pregnancy test before I explode."
Bella covered her face. "Emmett told you?"
Edward smiled weakly, "It's okay, love."
"Err…" Alice stared at her toes. "I might need to take one, too."
"What!?" The three men in the room yelped.
"Shush," Esme scolded. "Let them explain."
Carlisle entered the room in the nick of time to get in on the fun, and the girls began. Taking turns, Rosalie, Alice, and Bella retold the story of The Great Pee Stick Mix-Up. Emmett and Edward glared at Jasper the entire time, while Jasper nervously went from having an arm around Alice, to being three feet away from her. He didn't want to be the cause of aggravated assault.
"Now, the two of us need to take the tests," Bella finished. Her cheeks had remained red the entire conversation.
Carlisle disagreed. "I'm glad to know my children are so sexually active, but really, the suspense is killing me. I need all three of you ladies to pee in these cups. I will write your names on them so no confusion is possible."
"Why do I need to take one?" Rosalie pouted.
"I'm not allowing for any mistakes. Go pee, all of you. There's a water fountain if you're dehydrated." With that Carlisle exited the room, shaking his head.
Jasper collapsed in a chair as the trio followed Carlisle. "The tension is killing me."
"Me too," Edward agreed. He had moved to the edge of his bed, swinging his legs back and forth.
"Oh, it's nothing to be so terrified about," Esme said. "A baby is the greatest gift on Earth and you have a wonderful support system. Remember that."
Emmett nodded, standing up to stretch his legs. "I promise, Jasper, even if you did do the unforgivable with my sister, I will be the greatest uncle ever."
"Uh, thanks," Jasper said uncertainly.
When Bella, Alice, and Rosalie returned, Bella took a seat next to her boyfriend on the hospital bed, while Alice sat down in the chair beside Jasper. Emmett remained standing, to give Rosalie the chair he had occupied earlier. Esme went to watch her husband, who was busy carefully getting their results. There was no room for error at this point.
Alice tapped her foot.
Jasper tapped his fingers.
Rosalie twirled her hair.
Emmett glared at Jasper.
Bella chewed her nails.
Edward held Bella's free hand.
For four of them, the wait was unbearable. For two, only slightly annoying, but all six jumped when Esme threw open the door, tears of joy in her eyes. A grinning Carlisle was right behind her.
Esme had the lip-cracking smile on her face again, causing Alice and Bella to both brace themselves for impact. Yet, both were surprised when Esme wrapped her excited arms around Rosalie.
Carlisle gave his eldest son a tight hug, "Congratulations, Emmett. You're going to be a father."
"What?" Emmett squeaked out, strongly resembling his sister.
"Without a doubt, Rosalie is pregnant!" Esme announced happily, causing Rosalie to burst into the same happy tears as Esme.
Emmett then changed which sibling he resembled, by passing out cold on the floor. Carlisle managed to prevent him from hitting the tile too hard.
"What a bunch of fainters I have for brothers," Alice giggled, studying her large big brother, sprawled out ridiculously on the floor.
Bella and Edward relaxed against one another in relief, and Jasper took a moment to steal a kiss from Alice.
"I thought…it couldn't happen," Rosalie whispered, her voice still tainted with shock from the wonderful news.
Carlisle chuckled. "And I thought you kids couldn't do anything to surprise me anymore."
"Merry Christmas, little Ava," Esme cooed over her one-month old granddaughter. "You love your grandma, don't you? Yes you do, you do you do!" Esme baby-talked to Ava Cullen, who was fast asleep in her arms.
The Cullen family was having a small Christmas Eve party that included Bella – now Edward's fiancée – and Jasper, who remained terrified of his girlfriend's brothers.
"She's already getting so big," Bella commented, sitting beside Esme.
Rosalie, exhausted but blissfully happy, rolled her eyes. "I blame Emmett. That baby was eight pounds coming out. It's the biggest baby in my family's history. It had to be Emmett."
Emmett could only proudly puff out his chest. "I have great genes and sperm of steel!"
"Shh! You'll wake the baby!" Alice hissed, smacking her brother.
Rosalie scoffed at her husband. "Yeah, steel. That's why he passed out cold upon finding out he was going to be a father." The family all took a minute to remember that hectic day in April.
"That reminds me!" Edward laughed, getting up to shuffle around their old VHS tapes. "Mom, Alice, and me came up with something to show you all tonight."
Carlisle craned his head to see which video his son was pushing into the player, but was unable to identify it. "What is it?"
Edward smirked. "It's a surprise, dad."
Esme's eyes twinkled brighter as she attempted to hide her face by cooing at Ava some more.
The video started playing, a much younger Esme appearing on screen. She put a finger over her lips to whoever was behind the camera.
"It's my sister, Ellen," Esme filled them in.
Carlisle was still confused, a perplexed expression on his handsome face. "I've never seen this video before."
Esme giggled. "It's a little something I've been saving for the right moment."
Young Esme walked down an unfamiliar hallway, her sister wobbling the camera as she followed.
Then, hiding away Ellen in a secretive spot around the corner, Young Esme approached a Young Carlisle, who was bent over a medical book at their dinner table – completely oblivious to his wife's plot.
"Oh, no," Carlisle muttered, flushing noticeably. "Now I know what this is."
Esme's face broke out into one of her uncontrollable grins. "Don't ruin the moment, honey."
The rest of the group watched in fascination as Young Esme sat beside her husband.
"Can you take a break from studying for a moment?" Young Esme asked, polite as always.
Young Carlisle looked up, "Sure, what is it, love?"
"I have some good news," Young Esme said, wearing the same bright grin that current Esme was wearing.
"Oh? Did you get that account with the Murdocks?" Young Carlisle asked, totally unsuspecting.
"No. It's better." Young Esme took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant!"
Young Carlisle's eyes crossed, his body went slack, and he toppled over sideways out of his chair.
"Carlisle!" Young Esme exclaimed, the picture coming in better now that Ellen had rushed into the room to film what was going on.
"Did he faint?" Ellen's voice asked, her voice full of mirth.
"Yes!" Young Esme laughed. "I hope that's a good thing."
"Wow, I've never seen a grown man do that before," Ellen commented.
Young Esme's face wasn't too surprised. "His mother warned me this might happen. That's why I asked you to film. For generations, Cullen men have been fainting at the news of fatherhood. I suppose it is a tradition."
Laughter broke out in the Cullen home at the expense of the Cullen men, who, while passionate lovers and caring fathers, couldn't keep their wits about them when faced with a bouncing bundle of joy for the first time.
As the laughter died down, Alice spoke up. "I guess now's as good a time as any to tell you."
"Tell us…what?" Jasper asked cautiously.
"I'm pregnant!" Alice squealed.
On cue, Jasper did a great impression of Carlisle – eyes crossing, body going slack – and he fell into an ungraceful heap on the floor, out of his chair.
"Well, look at that, Jasper is a Cullen after all!" Emmett roared with laughter. "Now, when he wakes up, let me tell him it was just a prank."
"Go right on ahead," Alice offered. "He'll be happy to know this was just a way of initiating him into the family."
"I wonder if when I actually do get pregnant, Edward will still be capable of fainting. He's already done it once." Bella said, hitting her fiancée with an adoring gaze.
Carlisle blushed. "No doubt he will, Bella. I fainted for every single child."
Esme nodded, confirming. "Maybe now would be a good time to open your gifts. I got you three girls each a special extra something."
To their amusement, Alice, Bella, and Rosalie opened their presents to find Esme had bought them the same exact thing: home pregnancy tests.
End Note: So, there you go! I hope you thought it was funny! It was seriously, borderline crack.