Second attempt at a Fanfic, hope it is enjoyed. As you know, these characters are the property of Stephanie Meyers and not my own. I just like to think of Edward often.
LET ME GO
I had never given much thought to finding someone I could spend the rest of my life with. To be honest I had never given much thought to a lot of things.
When I had started dating Bella four years ago, I thought of it as any other relationship but that proved to be wrong shortly after the first month of dating. She was smart, funny and beautiful. She wasn't complicated or petty, she trusted me and liked me for me. I didn't have to try and be anything around her, she took me for who I was and loved me anyway.
When she never changed, I breathed easier. I thought for sure that she would flip a switch on me at some point and become obsessed or nagging, but she never did, and this started to scare me.
I loved Bella...actually I still love Bella, but this was too much too soon. It wasn't supposed to happen this way for us, not yet. I was only twenty five, and just a year out of college. I was just now putting my masters degree to use as a Civil Engineer. Life hadn't really even started for me yet, and here I had this woman by my side who could very well be my other half in this world. It was just too much and I couldn't commit to her the way I knew I needed to.
Tonight I was letting her know. It would end tonight...it was only fair to let her have her freedom and figure out things as well. I wouldn't be so stingy as to keep her tucked away and fool around, no, she deserved much better than that.
I had started the motions for this about a week ago. I rarely kissed her good bye, when she called I wouldn't answer and if I saw her I made sure to stay distracted with my phone. I needed to do those things so that I wouldn't look into her eye's and see the love that would surely be there for me. I didn't deserve it and if I were to see it, I would surely back out of my intentions.
Currently I was sitting on my couch in my living room, I had a small bungalow in soho. Tampa had been my home for the last year while Bella was still finishing up school in Gainsville. She and I made the four hour commute every weekend to be together, alternating weekends as it were to keep each other from growing tired of the drive.
Bella was graduating in two weeks from UF, and right now she was looking at a house not too far from here in Hyde Park. This was a major reason I had decided to end things right now.
Bella was going to be expecting things from me, maybe a ring or a question pertaining to her living with me, but I couldn't give her either, I just wasn't ready. At least this way, she could start off fresh when she moved here finally, or maybe she would go elsewhere completely.
That thought had my chest tightening by just the idea of her going elsewhere. Why? Isn't that what I wanted? For her to go and be free? It was...wasn't it?
Before I could throw that idea around in my head, there was a soft knock at the door. My stomach fell to my feet because I knew who that was, it was Bella.
Like a dead man walking, I shuffled my feet to the door to greet her and let her in, but when I did, there was a tight blow to my chest.
Bella was there on the porch, her soft face shining brightly with excitement from her excursion. Her eyes were wide and full of love for me as she took in my face while I stared back at her. I gave myself that small amount of time to gaze upon her beauty, she was exquisite and warm. I had never met another that could rival Isabella Swan. No one had ever come close either. I was sure that there was a very good chance no one ever would. Even with that thought, I knew I still wanted to break things off.
I waved her in and shut the door behind her. I steeled myself to keep my distance and not meet her eyes again. This was going to be hard enough, and I didn't want to make it harder by giving her mixed signals.
I gave her a tight greeting of hello and turned my attention back to the large screen in front of me. I tried to focus on the episode of House that was currently playing, but the more I tried , the more I could feel her gaze upon me. It wasn't judgmental or rude, it was as if she were trying to figure something out about me but couldn't. I swallowed back the emotional torrent that was building inside me and again focused on adjusting the dvr for a recording later.
When she had given up on waiting for me to acknowledge her, she stood from the living room and walked down the hall to my room.
My house was maybe about 1300 sq ft. not a whole lot of room to be secretive or quiet with. I didn't follow her back there, because I was afraid I would see her near the bed and want her, that wouldn't be fair.
Instead I sat where I was, on the couch watching the television. From the comfort of my seat I could hear her quietly moving about the room and bathroom. More than likely she was folding the laundry I had piled on top of my bed. I never expected her to clean up for me, but she did it anyway. Guilt started to eat at me while I sat there in silence. I couldn't let her clean after me and tidy my house then break up with her, I would be an ass hole and beyond if I did that.
I grabbed what little was left of my self respect and stood slowly making my way down the hall and into the room where I knew she was. When I walked in, my heart stopped a little at the site in front of me.
Bella was standing next to the bed and folding her things neatly into her bag that she left two weekends ago. I was speechless for a moment and then found myself asking a ridiculous question.
"What are you doing?" The words just fell from my lips even though I could clearly see she was preparing to leave.
Next to her bag was her bathroom bag, the black mesh was no longer hanging behind my door and it looked to be filled with her things from the shower.
She didn't answer me right away, she finished folding and then slipped her last t-shirt in the bag and zipped it up. She turned to me then. Her face no longer shining with happiness or excitement, replaced now by resolve and acceptance. She knew.
"I just figured I would save us the awkward moment that would have come right after you say what I know your going to say..."
My breath caught in my throat, I was holding back the sting in my eyes as I watched her grab her bag from the bed. I couldn't even object to her words, they were honest and forward. She was braver than I was and it killed me inside to know that she was expecting this pain now. I hated that knowledge because it had always been my goal to shield her from things that would hurt her. In our four year relationship, I was her protector. Not anymore though.
I took a deep breath and shook my head with chagrin coating my expression. I didn't know how to say it, but I knew there were really only a few words that would seal this coffin shut. As much as my heart protested, my head went ahead and gave the command to my mouth to say the words aloud.
"I can't be with you anymore, Bella. I'm...sorry"
I said it so low that I myself could barely hear them, obviously Bella had though. Her head dropped a little and she never met my eyes again. She nodded gently and her brow furrowed as in pain. I wanted so badly to hold her to me, to love her and only her. Mostly, I wanted to kiss her again and keep her right beside me forever. That's what I wanted, but I knew I couldn't do it.
She grabbed her bag and placed it over her shoulder before walking past me and making her way to the hall. I followed her, I didn't know why, but it was as if I couldn't let her move past me alone.
Wordlessly she grabbed her laptop from the counter and walked to the door with all the things in this house that reminded me she was mine. Just as she turned the knob to leave I called out to her.
"Bella..." She turned her head and glanced to me over her shoulder. Her glossy eyes telling me all the words I knew she couldn't. I didn't even know what to say, so I spoke from the heart.
"I'm so sorry...truly I am."
Her lip trembled slightly and my heart tore at every tear that escaped her eyes. I truly did love her, I just couldn't be that guy, not now. I waited for her to say something to me, anything. I don't know what I wanted to hear, but I figured it would be some glimmer of hope from her that she would wait for me to get my shit together and want me again with open arms.
I didn't get that from her though. Instead she took a deep breath and said, "I wish I had been enough." then she turned and walked out the door, and I fell to me knees loathing who I was.