5.02 Good God, Y'all tag – Control is tremulous at best, fleeting most often and damn slippery when grasped too hard or in frantic desperation. In truth, all you have control over is how you handle what life throws your way.
"He who controls the present, controls the past. He who controls the past, controls the future." - George Orwell
I thought Dean would fight me on this. Try to keep his family together like he's always done.
I guess I should have realized that things aren't how they used to be.
That's when it finally registered how bad it had gotten between us; the fact that he was so willing to let me go. And then he took it a step further, said it was best, said he was tired of worrying about me. Tired of protecting me.
Can't say as I blame him, he has a big job to do.
Not like I've made his job any easier. I mean, it's my fault that Lucifer is here, my fault that Dean doesn't trust me. My fault… I know that.
Everything is different now.
Saving the world from the devil won't come easy. In fact, it's damn near impossible, but Dean is still going to try. I should be beside him, cleaning up this mess, but I'm no good for that now. I can't trust myself… not enough to hunt and not get somebody killed, and I'd never forgive myself if something happened to Dean because of another one of my screw-ups.
I thought I was clean and sober, free of this monkey on my back…but I wanted it. Just a taste. I don't know why, because I don't want it. I don't and yet something inside me longs for it, craves the power it offers, the safety of being strong. This is totally messed up…
I'm totally messed up. I know that.
I need to step back, get this lust for power and blood under control.
This is probably the most honest I've been with myself and Dean in a very long time.
I'm tired of lying, tired of hiding who I am, what I've done. So tired of fearing what I am.
It's just…Dean surprised me. I'm just not used to getting my way so easily. I've always been big about saying what I wanted, demanding what I thought I deserved, and fighting to get it. Fighting the life, fighting Dad, fighting with Dean to get him to accept me and what I wanted.
Well, I guess I've finally gotten what I deserve, what I've been screaming I wanted…and it scares the hell out of me.
I scare the hell out of me.
I can't keep up this pretense. It's true… I like feeling powerful and in control. I like not being scared all the time and worrying about what evil is out there coming to take the last of my family.
If I'm to be totally honest here, those same feelings are back, the ones I've had since I was eight and Dean first told me the truth. The ones I've been running from my entire life. They're so raw, trembling just beneath the surface, sparking and twitching under my skin, that constant fear, and the knowledge that I'm different, a freak.
All these years they've been buried in my gut just waiting.
And whatever it is inside me, I'm not sure whether I can control it or if it is destined to control me…
Funny how all I've ever wanted is control…of my life, my destiny…going my own way, doing my own thing, and now I feel less in control than I ever have. I am so freaking out of control and I am terrified of what I'm capable of. I thought I was doing what was needed, what had to be done. I thought I had it under control… I didn't mean for any of this to happen and yet, for all my good intentions, look what I brought down on the world, down on my brother.
And I can't even blame it on Ruby or the blood or any other excuse. It was me, all along, and I don't know what to say, what to do.
Sorry just doesn't cut it. Words aren't going to make this right…
It's just… I don't know how to fix this…fix me.
It is best that I leave. That I get as far away from Dean as possible and just work on figuring this out. I need to figure out who I am and what that means. Figure out if I can ever come back to hunting or if I'm always going to be a danger to those around me.
If I am a monster…
I feel more alone now than I ever have in my life.
When I left for school I might have been alone, but at least I was heading toward something, that dream, that hope that I could control my destiny and be who I wanted to be. It may have all been a lie, an illusion I told myself to keep going, but it was something, something to believe in.
Now all I can think about, what consumes my every thought is - What if I can't control this thing inside me?
How can I ever trust myself again?
Will I ever be able to prove myself to my brother and make things right between us?
I may be the one who decided to leave, but I don't want to. I don't want to leave Dean to clean up my mess. I don't want to leave him out there fighting all that evil on his own. Dean doesn't deserve that, not after all he's done his entire life for the good of mankind. Not after all the sacrifices and the hurts, all the people he's saved.
Dean's always stood up for me… stood right there beside me, even when I couldn't see it. But I can't expect him to keep doing that, not after what I've done.
My whole life, Dean was the one I looked to for validation, the one who told me he was proud of me. As a kid he always made me feel important, when all I felt was so damn insignificant and small. My big brother was always bigger-than-life, fearless while I was so damn scared. Dean was the one I depended on, the one who always had my back, and I always knew, no matter what, he'd be there.
This past year changed everything. Hell did things to Dean, changed him. Losing him did things to me, took me down roads I never could have imagined. By the time I got him back, I was already losing my way and I only dug myself in deeper. I told myself that I was only trying to take care of him, save the world, but there's more to it than that. I can see that now. In the end, all I managed to do was hurt him more. The more I tried to fix things, the more they came undone.
God, it hurt when he didn't trust me, when he called me a monster. I don't know if it was the demon blood or my pride and stubbornness or what, but I just snapped at that and said some terrible things, said he never knew me and never would.
And maybe it's true. Hell, I don't know myself. I never thought I could go that far and be so wrong. And now everything is screwed to hell and the last support I ever had just told me to go ahead and walk right out of his life.
It's what I said I wanted…needed. I just never thought he'd give in without a fight.
Maybe I did finally beat the fight out of him. Maybe he's finally come to terms, accepted that neither of us is good for the other right now.
I don't have any right to expect it, but man, I need my brother.
But I can't blame him for not being the Dean I want, my protector who's always made me believe when he'd tell me everything would be all right 'cause nothin' bad would happen with him around.
And now Dean's gonna be gone again, just like when he died.
And I'll be alone…
I'm taking off on my own and face it; I've never handled that well, despite my protests.
I set Lucifer free…there are repercussions for that. I know that. I betrayed everything I ever believed in and started the apocalypse. I thought I was doing good, I did, but that don't make it right. And I can't expect Dean to fix this. I'm the only one who can do that.
After all I did, after all the secrets and lies, Dean still didn't leave. Oh, there is no denying he wasn't wholly there, but he never left, not totally… I don't know if he's capable of walking away. It's been ingrained in him since we were kids that he was responsible for me. And even now, after all I've done, he still struggles with that, still thinks it's his job to watch over me. And I know he's tried, I do.
But he's tired…we both are, and we just need to give it a rest.
It just seems like the forces of nature were intent on pulling us apart, taking me down one road while he stayed firmly planted on his own. He tried to reach me, pull me back from the biggest mistake of my life, but I wouldn't listen. And now it's finally over.
That brotherly bond that I thought could never be breached just might be shattered beyond repair.
And I'm the one who made that break.
I'm the one who left. The one who's always left. That stormed out in anger or defiance. But this time it's different, like everything else between us.
I am the one who chose to leave and yet, it feels like he's finally deserted me. My big brother finally gave up on me, on us. I don't blame him, I don't…but I can't deny it hurts. Damn, it hurts.
But I deserve it. I did this.
I just never thought anything would come between us like this…I just never thought Dean would really let me go.
He's my brother, the last of my family, and just look at us…
I screwed that up, and somehow, it's up to me to fix this.
I need to fix me.
I just don't know if anything can make this right.
We are so far apart it seems hopeless.
I'd think it was except for one thing, one major thing that still gives me hope.
Dean is struggling right now. I see it in every word he offers, hesitant and contained. He's so closed off, trying to forget and finding it impossible to forgive. When things get this bad, Dean just kind of shuts down, focuses on the job and retreats inside himself.
The more I push, the more he backs away and I get it. I can't expect him to forgive me, not when I can't forgive myself. I hurt him, I said some awful things, did some awful things, but the look in his eyes… I don't know, I still see something there, a glimmer… a hope.
I'd think I was imagining it, but then he offered me the car. His baby, his most prized possession, and I think maybe…maybe I can fix this.
If only I can fix this thing inside me.
If only I can figure out why I do the things I do. Why I let myself be used by Ruby and went against everything I ever believed in.
There's something missing inside me now, something I've lost along the way and somehow I have to get it back.
If I can fix myself then maybe I can win back Dean's trust. Only then can we be brothers again.
God, I have to believe in that.
It's all I've got left.
All standard disclaimers apply.
Thanks for reading, reviews are greatly appreciated if you care to click the little box. Take care, B.J.