-Track Listing-

A Series of Horrible 9 Crack by Digitaldreamer

Chapter 1: Bismillah No


Oh God.

Okay well, once again, I started with my serious idea, Inheritance (which you should all check out by the way) buuut unfortunately the plot bunnies multiplied. By a lot. Now I have a million little serious drabble ideas, a million horrible crack ideas and not nearly enough time to write them all.

I have a problem.

However, since the crack ideas keep multiplying, I figured I may as well give in. Thus we begin Track Listing. This will be just be a collection of all the horrible crack ideas I keep having. Since many of them seem to involve music or horrible, horrible song lyrics can potentially fit, I decided this title was better than your standard "Plot? What Plot?" or "Madness? THIS. IS. STITCHPUNKS."

if you're one of those people who cringes at the idea of "crack" because you're well aware what fourteen-year old fangirls have done to such things, I assure you I am not one of those people. I am aware of the fact that "funny" does not equal "painfully OOC and LOLOLOL SO RANDOM!" I'll be doing my best to keep in character, thank you very much. To give you an idea of the humor... well, if you've ever read the LoTR fic "Bagenders" (google it if you haven't, it's beautiful) then think that, only not quite as amazing because I lack that level of talent.

Um, let's see, what else... ah! Well, a lot of these will probably be set in some sort of odd alternate universe set after the movie wherein somehow everyone who died got resurrected. How did this happen? Well, just remember the MSTK3000 mantra: "It's just a show-- I mean fanfic, I should really just relax."

Anyway, on to the first one!

I apologize for this one, it is sheer crack. It's inspired by a One Piece drabble from an LJ community that I read years ago, and bits of it and the epilogue are homage to that. It is also dedicated to my dear friend Shea, whom called BFF privileges and forced me to write this. ILU SHEA!

Please review and tell me what you think~!

Disclaimer: I do not own 9. Thank God.


He'd thought it was going to be a normal day.

1 was honestly perfectly okay with this. After all, for the stitchpunks 'normal' usually constituted relative silence, something which the leader was grateful for. After the general insanity that had come with his revival after his death (oh, what an adventure that had been, it really was a shame they couldn't talk about it) he was glad to see that the group seemed to be falling into a calmer routine. This was probably helped by the lack of beasts outside and a calming down on his part, but he'd take what he could get. After all, he was still somehow the leader in spite of everything that had happened. There'd be some interesting arguments come revival ("...Well, 9 my boy, now that I'm conscious I suppose I do in fact have a question. [I]What were you thinking[/i]?") but by now the novelty had worn off and all was as it should be. 1 was the leader again, they'd found a new sanctuary, all was well. Perhaps there'd be the occasional argument or commotion, but for the most part there was peace.

And then it started.

"Mamaaaaaaa, just killed a maaaaaaan~!" 9's voice echoed from down the hallway of their new sanctuary.

1 gave a twitch, fist clenching around his new staff. "No." He muttered.

"Put a gun against his heeead, pulled my trigger now he's deeeeaaaad~!" The youngest stitchpunk's voice was horrifically off key, and the loud bang from the workshop where he, 2, and 5 tended to spend their time didn't help matters.

"No," 1 repeated, his body tensing like a rabbit who'd just seen a fox. 8 glanced up from his place at 2's side, blinking in confusion.

"Mamaaaaaaa, life had juuuust beguuuun! But noooow I've gone and thrown it all awaaaaaay~!" 5 suddenly chimed in cheerily.

1's expression became one of horror as 8's shifted to one of understanding. "Oh, they're singing the song again!" The large stitchpunk exclaimed, heavyset brow uncreasing as his expression became one of simple amusement.

The leader leaped up from his throne, staff banging heavily against the wooden floor. "9, I'm aware you technically saved the world but if you do not stop this, so help me I will make you wish that scientist had never created you!" He cried as he began to stomp toward the workshop. 8 let out a confused yelp, lumbering quickly after 1.

"MAMA OOOOOOOOO~! Didn't mean to make ya crrrryyy~!" 2 was just throwing in his own part when 1 stomped in, brushing the fabric that acted as a door aside. The three stitchpunks all appeared to be working on some sort of strange contraption, their small hands working furiously as they darted around what looked like the remains on an old pocket watch. 2 himself was laughing as he fiddled with some on he gears, the song not distracting him from his work on the least.

"Not you too, 2!" 1 snapped, hands clenching into fists at his sides. He then paused, seeming to realize just how awkward that sentence sounded. "I mean... as well... I mean... oh you get the point! Stop this insanity at once!" He waved his staff wildly, the bell at the end jingling with the motion.

9 just flashed a grin as he dropped the light bulb he'd been fiddling with and suddenly looped an arm over 5's burlap shoulder. 5's single eye blinked in surprise, but that only lasted for a moment before the two burst energetically into the second verse. "Tooo laaaate, my time has coooooomeee~!"

1 gave another twitch. "What part of 'stop' did none of you get? I gave an order, now cease this at once!" He folded his arms before him, tapping his wooden foot impatiently.

2 glanced back at 1, then back at his two apprentices, reaching up to crank the handle on his headgear so he could move the lense away from his face. He then flashed 1 an apologetic smile and a shrug before he threw an arm around 5 as well. "Send shivers down my spine, body's aching all the tiiiiime~!" He sang, his thin free hand clenched into a weak fist.

The leader cringed from the force of all their voices. "What are you three supposed to be, the three stooges?" He sputtered, eyes wide. After their revival, 2, 5, and 9 had become a force to be reckoned with, but this was something else entirely. He was aware having these three in the same room wasn't always a good thing, but this was ridiculous!

Meanwhile, 8 stood behind him, hands clenched into fists. His large mouth was pressed into a thin line as his large body gave a violent shudder. He was desperately trying to fight the compulsion. Oh how he fought! Fought... and lost.

"I'm sorry 1, I can't fight it anymore!" The large stitchpunk finally cried, stumbling past 1 so he could properly stand by the self-proclaimed trio. "Mamaaaaa, OOOOOOOOOO~!" He crooned in his deep, soulful voice, hitting an octave so low and booming that the room actually shook.

"Any way the wind blows~!" 9 and 5 chimed in, rocking softly back and forth as bright smiles lit up their faces.

1 gaped at 8 as if he'd been betrayed. "8, how could you!? NONE OF YOU EVEN HAVE MOTHERS!" He sputtered, nearly dropping his staff. He watched in helpless shock as the four stitchpunks sang, rocking back and forth in time with the imagined tune.

"I don't wanna diiiiiiieeee~!" 5 exclaimed dramatically. "Sometimes wish I'd never been booorn at alllll~!"

The four all stood there for a bit, cheerily swaying and adding bits of vocally simulated instruments as was necessary. Apparently 9 made a rather impressive air guitar, as he released 5 so he could properly pose and strum. 1 stood and watched them, fingers drumming against his folded arms as his eye gave another twitch. "...Is that it? Are you done?" He asked hopefully. The instruments were irritating but it was a bit better than the singing.

If he'd had a heart, it would have sank as 8 shook his head gleefully and 5 began to simulate a keyboard.

"I SEE A LITTLE SILHOUETTO OF A MAN!" 7 suddenly crowed from the watchtower, her pale, grinning face peeking down at them.

"SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO!?" The four stitchpunks cried out, tiny wooden and metal fists pumping enthusiastically in the air.

1 twitched again, glancing at his staff. Maybe if he hit one of them with it they'd stop and he could talk some semblance of reason into them.

"Galileo, Galileeeeooooo~!" 6 exclaimed as he suddenly rushed into the room, ink still dripping from his fingers. Before he could properly get to the group 1 caught him with the hook of his staff. The striped stitchpunk gave a winded gasp, eyes widening as he suddenly found himself face to face with a very angry 1.

"6, what have I told you and everyone else about singing this song!? I don't care that the beasts are gone, I don't care that there's nothing to alert of our existence anymore! it does not change the fact that this is the most overrated excuse for music in the history of music and I will not have it!" The leader snarled, grabbing 6 by the shoulders and giving him a shake.

The artist blinked for a moment, cringing under 1's ire-filled gaze. Then suddenly he began to sing softly, almost involuntarily as the words crept from the corner of his mouth. "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me..."

"He's just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity!" The other stitchpunks sang as they rushed around 6 and 1, their expressions ones of worry for their captured compatriot.

1 gaped at all of them, his eyes wide. "...Has this song possessed all of you!?" He mumbled, fist tightening unconsciously around the fabric 6 was made of.

"Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?" 6 sang hopefully, eyebrows raising.

"What!? No, I will not let you go!" 1 sputtered.

"Let him goooo~!" The other four stitchpunks sang.

"BISMILLAH!" 8 added, flailing his large arms in the air.

"I will not let him go!" 1 snapped, giving 9 the evil eye.

"Let him goooo~!" 9 crooned again.

"BISMILLAH~!" 8 exclaimed again.

"I will not--" 1's eyes widened as he realized what was going on. He was actually contributing against his will! "This song is like some sort of strange devil song! I'm not getting involved in this! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" He yelped, punctuating each no with a violent shake.

"Oh mama mia, mama mia!" 6 groaned dizzily, his eyes rolling in different directions as the other four finally managed to grab hold of him.

"Mama mia let him go!" The other four all quite suddenly sang, getting right up in 1's face with their wide grins. This sudden shock was enough to get 1 to yelp in surprise and back away. His thin fingers released 6, and the force of the his quick backward motion sent the leader clattering to the floor on his rear. 1 remained there, eyes wide in horror as he watched the five stitchpunks group together, their arms thrown over each other like some strange ragdoll quintet. "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me! For me! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!"

And then quite suddenly they had all separated and were dancing around the room, 9 enthusiastically playing his air guitar as the others proceeded to headbang. "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STONE ME AND SPIT IN MY EEYEEEEE~!" 9 cried out, his voice cracking somewhat in his vigor.

"So you think you can love me and leave me to DIIIIIEEEE!?" 2 and 5 hollered, pointing at 1. Clearly they found the accuracy of this particular line oddly hilarious. "OOOOOHHH baby, can't do this to me baaaaby~!"

"Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of heeere!" 6 and 8 both crowed, the sight of the two of them together decidedly strange thanks to the height difference.

1 himself had stumbled to his feet, staring in numb horror at his group as they slowed and began to sway again. Clearly they were possessed, that was the only explanation. "Please... please stop..." He mumbled, though it was rather halfhearted as he picked up his staff again.

It was when 3 and 4 quite suddenly rushed into the room with a lit match between them that 1 finally realized it was a lost cause. He watched as the twins assembled with the others and began to rock back and forth, the glowing flame waving lightly in the air, bits of light glittering off of all the metal in the workshop.

1 gave a sigh, shoulders slumping. "Fine, so be it," He muttered, cape billowing behind him as he turned away. "Let it be known that this song is painfully overrated and you had all better be doing double on your duties when you get back to work!" He added over his shoulder before brushing the sheet of fabric aside and stepping out of the door.

"Oh... nothing really matters, anyone can seee...." The leader heard the words drifting out from the workshop and he shook his head as a small smile came to his face. He wasn't really sure why he hated this song so much... perhaps it was because it was so catchy. In spite of himself he opened his mouth, the words drifting out so quietly that they were almost a whisper.

"Nothing really matters... to meee..."