The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya and Doctor Who are two franchises that cross over well enough with anything. Has anybody else done this crossover?
You know what bugs me?
When my friends want to spend time with me, it's never 'Hey Kyon, let's hang out,' or 'Kyon, why don't we chill sometime?' No, it always has to be 'Hey, let's waste an afternoon chasing imaginary ghosts,' or, 'Funny story dude, we accidentally got ourselves stuck in an infinite time loop, please bail us out,' or most often, 'Kyon, the universe is about to explode and only you can save it. Again.'
Like today, for example. For more times than I care to count, the eerily silent Yuki Nagato slipped me a note inside a book requesting that I meet her after school. You probably think that a cute girl and an average guy meeting after school equals a date, right? You're probably figuring that it's a typical teenager's afternoon.
You idiot. I hate you. Look at what my life has become.
"What is it this time, Nagato?" I ask warily. Because, you see, Yuki Nagato is not a cute, if timid, girl. She is an alien computer interface designed to accumulate information for the Integrated Data Thought Entity and to make my life miserable.
Sure is easy on the eyes, though.
"There are abnormal fluctuations in data…"
Well that sounds like an unfinished sentence. And Yuki doesn't often leave her sentences unfinished. "Abnormal fluctuations? How?"
"Abnormal fluctuations in data are manifesting- have manifested- will manifest in a field nearby. It is possible that they are connected- were connected- will be connected to the influence of Haruhi Suzumiya." Nagato switches tenses like a truck switching gears.
Wait, so what's with the are- will- have nonsense, anyways? It is very unfortunate that I can hazard a guess at this. "Does this have something to do with time travel?"
Yuki is quiet.
"…I do not know."
Wow. Wish I had that on tape.
So to make a long story short, we wait in this field for about half an hour. I am beginning to doubt Yuki's previously infallible ability to sense really weird stuff, when suddenly I hear it.
It sounds almost like a hole being ripped in the air- no, the reality around us. Like a strange sort of grinding.
Oddest of all- although I am disappointed to say that I didn't even flinch- was the sight that accompanied this sound. A blue box faded into sight, from nothingness. It looked to be made of wood and was maybe the same size as a phone booth. There were words in English written on the side.
I looked at Nagato. She nodded.
The door on the side of the box opens and a man pokes his head out. He's wearing a long brown coat over a dark blue suit, and his hair looks almost as weird as Yuki's. He's a white guy. Great. Probably doesn't speak Japanese.
But than he opens his mouth and says loudly, "This isn't the Dairy Queen!"
Then he disappears back into the box and it fades noisily away again. It's gone only for a few seconds before the whole sequence repeats itself and the box reappears.
The man sticks his head out again. "Uh oh. You two again."
"Yo," I say.
He steps out of the box and looks oddly at Yuki. "Your hair's purple. Why is your hair purple? Hang on." He reaches into his coat and pulls out a glowing blue thing, and points it at Nagato. It buzzes and lights up.
He smiles goofily. "Brilliant!"
Nagato look up at him. "Unknown life-form detected. Initializing data scan and analysis." She then proceeds to make a noise like a dial-up connection.
"So, who are you, then?" I ask, ignoring this phenomenon.
"The Doctor," he says happily. "Perhaps you've heard of me. I'm very famous."
Hm. Famous doctors…?
"You mean like the holographic Doctor from Star Trek?"
His face falls. "No."
"You mean like a Doctor as in someone who has received an advanced professional degree?"
He frowns. "No."
"You mean like 'Doctor' Roy Halladay, the best pitcher in baseball?"
He looks thoroughly dejected now. "No. You know what, nevermind. Just call me The Doctor. It's my name. Okay?"
I shake his proffered hand. "Well if that's your nickname, then just call me by mine, Kyon. You'll end up doing it anyways."
"That's a weird name," The Doctor says.
Look who's talking.
Our brief introductory discussion is interrupted by Yuki Nagato quietly tilting forward and hitting the ground with a painful-sounding thud.
"Whoopsie-doodle," says the Doctor.
We both bend over her. "Yuki? What happened?" I ask.
"Oh, I think a simple processing error. This looks like an older model, sometimes they have trouble with the infinitely recurring binary loops, or the space-time continuum poly-parabolic equations."
What? You broke Nagato? This is serious! I doubt that we can just head over to Futureshop and buy a new one, here!
He rolls her over. "I only broke her a little. You know how when your computer restarts, and you need a password?"
"This is the same thing. If we can just figure out the password, then she'll start right up again.
Hurriedly I start shouting out possible passwords at her. "Um… Haruhi! Haruhi Suzumiya! SOS Brigade! Integrated Data Thought Entity!" It's not working. I try less likely words. "Kyon? Um… Books? Shakespeare! Computer club! Day of Sagittarius! Ah... uh... H-games?"
The Doctor looks up at me oddly. "What are you doing?"
What's it look like, idiot? Guessing passwords.
"Not like that," he says. He points his glowing-blue-dealie at Nagato for a bit, and then contemplates. Finally he seems to arrive at a decision and, in quick succession, tweaks her right ear, nose, left index finger, the small of her back, and her right breast.
"What are you-" I begin, but stop.
Yuki wakes up and looks calmly down at this complete stranger's hand on her chest. She then looks back up at him and says, "Please identify species."
"Does not compute. Please identify species."
"XJD-42-DCTR master override. Time Lord."
"Species registered as Time Lord. Thank you." Yuki stands. "Please stand by for data analysis. Age: unknown. Biological makeup: unknown. Psychological evaluation: error. Intelligence… intelligence…"
Who is this guy?
"Intelligence: error. Intelligence indicated as superior to the Integrated Data Thought Entity."
The Doctor swaggered. I gape. He's smarter than Yuki?
"Request continued observation under controlled circumstances." Yuki looks up at him. "Come to my apartment."
Wait. Something about this strikes me as odd. Is she… hitting on him?
Yuki raises one hand and rakes it through her hair mechanically. Oh my God, she is hitting on him.
A horrible possibility suddenly strikes me. "Doctor. Why did you come here?"
He scratches the back of his head. "Well, that's the thing. I didn't. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard, but the TARDIS- that's my time machine- brought me here. When I tried to readjust the course it just brought me here all over again.
"So what you're saying," I was getting a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. "Is that something was drawing you here."
"Exactly. And if the TARDIS is being drawn somewhere, it's somewhere I need to be."
Oh, no, Doctor. You need to be far from here. So very very far away from here right now. "By any chance," I ask, already knowing the answer, "Are you an alien?"
"A time-travelling alien?"
He raps the TARDIS with one fist.
"And do you have any… ESP-like powers?"
"I've been known to dabble from time to time."
"And… have you ever travelled between dimensions?"
"A couple times, yup."
Oh, no. Oh no, no, no, no. A time-traveller alien esper slider. This is everybody's worst nightmare come true. And there's only one reason he could be 'drawn' here.
I pull out my cell phone and dial the number that I least want to dial. When Itsuki Koizumi picks up, I speak. "Koizumi. Find the nearest Dairy Queen and meet me there as soon as possible."
"Oh my. What's happened?"
"We are all going to die, that's what's happened. And no, I'm not paying; Haruhi is definitely not invited. Buy your own damn ice cream."
"I understand," Koizumi says.
"I don't" the Doctor says.
"It is imperative that you come to my apartment," Yuki says to the Doctor.
"it is imperative that we go to the Dairy Queen" I say.
I remember going to Dairy Queen when I was a kid. Years and years ago.
Unfortunately, it seems that in the intervening time period, the franchise has withdrawn from Japan. There is no DQ in the entire country.
I told the Doctor this, and he said, "So?"
So here the four of us are in China- at the nearest Dairy Queen- eating Blizzards and discussing the fate of the Universe. I was getting tired of doing this same thing at McDonald's every day, anyways.
"So you are a time-traveller esper alien slider?" Koizumi asks.
Koizumi unleashes a truly horrific string of swearwords, that stupid smile never leaving his face the whole time.
You're probably wondering how we got to China. Well, it seemed that the Doctor's time machine had no problem going anywhere as soon as I was in it. It was bigger on the inside. When I saw this, I said 'neat.' The Doctor looked disappointed.
We had been at the Dairy Queen for two hours when Koizumi walked in, saying, "It sure was lucky that there happened to be a spare military jet lying around."
Stupid Koizumi with his stupid Organization and stupid jet. All I got was a lame blue telephone box.
"Anyways," I say, "Here's the deal. There is a girl here with the power to reshape reality according to her subconscious desires. She's the reason you can't leave Japan."
"But we're in China," the Doctor observes.
"That's because I'm here, I guess."
"But," says Koizumi, "Isn't that odd? Why would the Doctor only be allowed to go anywhere if you were with him?"
Maybe Haruhi wants a Blizzard and that subconscious desire manifested through me? Hell, I dunno. "The important thing, Doctor, is that she never, ever finds out that you are anything but an ordinary human."
"But I'm not a human!" the Doctor pouts.
"Shut up! Yes, you are!"
"I don't wanna be human!"
"You know what's gonna happen if this chick hears you say stuff like that?" I ask, looming over him menacingly. "Everybody dies. Everybody. She is insane, and the last thing we want to happen is for some stupid alien like you to make it worse!"
"Everybody. Dies. Everybody!" I repeat.
"Everybody," Koizumi affirms.
Nagato holds her blizzard upside down and marvels at how it doesn't fall out of the container.
"So what do I do?" the Doctor asks. "If I can't leave Earth, where do I go?"
"I think it's best if you just wait this out," I say. Haruhi isn't too bright. This time tomorrow she'll probably be over time traveller alien esper sliders and onto zombie dinosaurs or magical robots or Mikuru's tits.
"You can stay with me," Koizumi says cheerfully. "I don't mind."
Wait a minute… is Koizumi… hitting on him?
Koizumi bats his eyes coquettishly. Oh my God, he is hitting on him.
"I think I might know someone who can help us out," I say. I take out my cell phone and dial another number. After a while, she picks up.
Tsuruya's mansion on the outskirts of the city is massive, and more that roomy enough to hide the Doctor for a few days. And it's not like she'll mind- she's almost as crazy as Haruhi. Tsuruya will do anything if she thinks it'll be fun.
"Hey theres Kyon and Yuki and Itsuki and strange white guy I've never seen before! Come on in!"
She isn't the brightest, as you may have noticed. In fact her personality can be summed up in pretty much one word. Loud.
We went down to Tsuruya's spacious basement. To my surprise, the lovely Mikuru Asahina is already there. Oh, if only I could get a chance to talk to Miss Asahina in a situation where no potential apocalypses loomed over our heads! Alas, it was not to be.
"Hi Kyon!" she smiles that heavenly smile. "Who's your friend?"
"I," he says with a flourish, "am the Doctor."
As opposed to pretty much everybody else who remained steadfastly unimpressed, Mikuru leaps to her feet, eyes aglow. "The Doctor!?"
"The definitive article," he affirms, chest puffed out in pride.
She salutes sharply, looking absurd. "Mikuru Asahina, Time Agent Third Class, sir!"
"Time Agents?" The Doctor smiles goofily, "I know those guys!"
"I am your biggest fan!" Mikuru bubbles. "I can't believe I'm actually meeting you! Oh, you have to give me your autograph!" She latches firmly on to his arm.
Wait a minute… is she… hitting on him?
"Oh! But there's no paper!" Tsuruya's basement was littered with paper of all sorts. Mikuru and Tsuruya had been doing their homework when we arrived.
She begins to unbutton her shirt. "I guess… you could sign here…?"
Oh my God, she is hitting on him.
"Hey!" The Doctor says, oblivious to all this, "Do you know Captain Jack Harkness?"
Miss Asahina's demeanour changes in an instant. All the color drains right out of her face. She buttons up her shirt very fast. In a daze, she retreats to the corner of Tsuruya's basement, hands clutched protectively over her breasts. She sinks into a heap against the wall and starts crying softly.
"Oh yeah, she knows Captain Jack," the Doctor says cheerfully.
As I watch Mikuru push away invisible hands, it occurs to me that this Captain Jack fellow sounds a lot like Haruhi. You'd think that between the two of them, Mikuru would be used to it by now.
I pause for a moment to take stock of our situation. This group of six people are tasked with saving the entire universe from certain destruction. Right now, Mikuru is sobbing in a corner about how she can no longer get married. Itsuki is ogling the Doctor. Yuki is going through all of Tsuruya's DVDs and placing several in a pile, no doubt intending to steal them. Tsuruya is eating a sandwich that consists of nothing but bread and a slice of smoked cheese an inch thick. The Doctor is scanning everything in the basement with his stupid blue glowing dealie.
And of course it's up to me to do everything around here. Like always.
"Alright," I say, "All we need to do is make sure that Haruhi doesn't-"
"What is this?" The Doctor asks, suddenly very serious. I look over and he has opened a desk drawer and is holding a silver pocket watch on a chain.
It's a pocket watch, you idiot.
I continue "-for a few days, if Tsuruya doesn't mind-"
"Where did you get this!?" He is suddenly shaking Tsuruya by the shoulders.
"-And… pay attention! Hello?"
"I dunno," Tsuruya says. "I thinks I inherited it…? I never think too much about things like that, silly white guy!"
It's just a stupid watch, you guys. Fate of the universe over here. Don't worry about it. I got it.
"Why?" Tsuruya asks. "Is it like, megas important?"
And with that she plucks the watch out of the Doctor's hands and opens it.
There is a sudden flash of blinding, multicoloured light that illuminates the whole basement, casting the Doctor's face into shadow. I turn and look. The light seems to be pouring out of the watch and directly into Tsuruya's eyes, which are aglow with the same unearthly force.
"Wow." Says Koizumi.
Tsuruya wakes up, blinks, and smiles at the Doctor. "Hello there," she said.
He shakes her. "Who are you?" he shouts. "Which one are you?"
For a moment I sense that something equal to the very fate of the Universe is at stake in her answer.
"I'm Tsuruya, nyoro! A Times Lord!"
What the hell. I bet ordinary people don't have to put up with this junk every goddamn day.
"A… a Time Lord?" Mikuru says. She had given up feeling sorry for herself and was bent over Tsuruya along with the Doctor.
"That's right!" Tsuruya chirps. "Trapped in that old watch and just waiting for someone to releases me!"
"I… I can't believe it," the Doctor says. "Another… here… I thought I was the last…"
"Not anymore," Tsuruya smiles gently. "And you knows the old tradition. Of how a Time Lord must choose a companion."
Wait a minute… is she… hitting on him?
"And of course Tsuruya has to haves the prettiest companion!" she yelps, seizing Mikuru's breasts.
Tsuruya has just dragged the struggling Mikuru down into a deep kiss that I would normally be very enthusiastic about observing, but I also couldn't help but notice that we now had two time traveller alien esper sliders on our hands.
But… damn. Damn. That is hot.
"What's happening?" the Doctor asks.
Yuki seizes both Tsuruya's and the Doctor's arms. The stack of DVDs she had compiled floats serenely in the air behind her. "It is imperative that you both come back to my apartment," she says in her dull monotone.
"Only if Mikuru gets to come too!" Tsuruya yells, ignoring Miss Asahina's feeble protests.
"Oh my. Am I invited?" Stupid Koizumi.
"NO!" I shout. Everybody turns to look at me.
"No, no, no, no, HELL no! No stealing DVDs, no orgies, and especially no time traveller alien esper sliders! You-" I grab the Doctor's collar, "Are getting the hell out of Dodge, and you are taking her-" I lift Tsuruya up off the floor from underneath Mikuru, "with you!"
"But-" says the Doctor.
"But-" says Tsuruya.
"But-" says Koizumi.
"…" says Nagato.
"Why does everybody keep touching me?" Mikuru sobs.
"No buts!" I shout. "Tsuruya, you moved to Canada. With her DVDs, Nagato! Koizumi, I hate you. So much. Mikuru, as hot as that is, you'll have to stop. Doctor. I don't care if your stupid time machine is broke, you better fix it or I'll break it so that you can't! Are we clear!?"
"Yes sir," everybody says.
Everybody was on the street corner where the Doctor had parked his phone booth after we came back from the Dairy Queen. We are so close. If we can just get that idiot out of here with the other idiot, I'm home free. For today at least.
"Well?" I say. "Get in there and fix whatever's wrong with it!"
The Doctor sullenly complies, sulking into the blue box. We are waiting impatiently outside, when suddenly-
No. Oh no. Oh, please God no. Can anything else possibly go wrong today?
"Kyon, listen to me!"
I should have realized how useless praying to God would be in light of just what is shouting at me.
I turn and face the end of the world. Haruhi Suzumiya is striding up the street straight at us.
"Kyon, what the hell is going on? You disappeared after school, so I went and broke into your house but you weren't there either! What are you doing out here? And with the SOS Brigade? Are you plotting against me?"
She eyes each of us suspiciously in turn.
"We… were…" I search madly for an answer as to why we could all be out here without her. "Planning a party!" is what I come up with.
"A party?" She's not buying it. Damn it, why am I always the one who has to do stuff like this?
"Yeah, your birthday party!"
"My birthday isn't for another five months, you know that!" Is it my imagination, or are those storm clouds? I wish it were my imagination.
"Yes, well…" The other Brigade members avoid meeting my gaze, except for Tsuruya who is eating cheese again. "I though about how much you love weird sh- the unexpected, and what is more unexpected that a birthday party nowhere near your birthday?"
She frowns, mulls it over, and then-
"Excellent! That's the kind of lateral thinking that I demand in the SOS Brigade! When is the party?"
"Tomorrow!" I say with growing confidence. "Get this- Koizumi has rented out Koshien Stadium! We'll get to meet the Hanshin Tigers!"
"Wow!" Haruhi exclaims. "That's awesome, Koizumi!"
Koizumi glares at me. I have no doubt that him and his stupid Organization are well connected enough to pull that stunt off, but I'll enjoy thinking of that jackass scrambling to get everything set up for tomorrow.
Bullet dodged. Catastrophe averted. World saved. How many times is this now?
The door of the Doctor's blue box opens and he sticks his head out. "Kyon, I've tried reversing the polarity of the neutron flow, but there are still some slight temporal distortions- oh, hello."
Haruhi frowns. "Who's this."
I haul the Doctor forcibly out of his blue box and slam that door. "Just some foreigner," I say. "Making a phone call. In this phone booth. He's leaving now."
"He speaks awfully good Japanese for a foreigner."
"Well, that's because I'm…" The Doctor looks up just in time to see all of us waving frantically at him not to tell Haruhi the truth. Even Nagato is shaking her head.
"…An immigrant!" he finishes. "I immigrated here three years ago. And that's why I speak Japanese so good. Well."
Haruhi is still looking at him suspiciously, and I know why. A mysterious foreigner? Three years ago? The mystery time-traveller who got her started on this whole nutty alien kick?
Oh no. Please don't tell me what I think is about to happen is about to happen.
"What's your name?" Haruhi asks.
Pick a different name. Pick a different name. Please for the love of God don't pick the same stupid name I did when I went back in time and met a younger Haruhi.
"John Smith," he says.
Haruhi's face is frozen. Suddenly the ground- no, reality- cracks. It's like a pane of glass breaking.
"You idiot!" I burst out. There is a terrible rending noise as existence begins to fracture. "What the hell! You have how many goddamn names and you pick that one! You've killed us all!"
"I didn't mean to," the Doctor says petulantly. "What's wrong with that name? I always use that name."
"Because it's the same stupid name I used when I went back in time and met this idiot and…" I stop because Haruhi has turned around and is staring straight at me.
"Kyon…?" she says, "You're John Smith?"
Reality begins to break apart faster. Everything is coming apart in a whirl of colors. Dammit dammit dammit.
"Hey," said the Doctor, "My time machine's working again. I'm gonna see if I can't get the hell out of this universe before it collapses and kills us all, I'll see you guys later maybe or probably not bye."
He disappears in his blue box and Haruhi sees him do it.
The Universe explodes.
Or, at least, I think it does. I am floating in a silent white space, completely alone except for… Nagato?
"I have sealed the two of us in an alternate reality, exactly 0.00000013 seconds before the end of the Universe."
Great. Just great. "Is there any way we can get back?"
"No," she says. "The Universe has been destroyed. This is all that is left of reality."
We float in silence for a few more minutes. I hesitantly ask, "Um. Nagato… what do we do now?"
"Exist," she says simply.
That wasn't exactly what I meant. "I mean… is there anything to do in here?"
Nagato shakes her head. "I did not bring any DVDs."
I can't be the only one to have this idea. Come on.