Disclaimer: All recognizable Sonny With a Chance characters are property of Disney. Also, any other recognizable character/thing does NOT belong to me. My original characters are Dree, Dantity Lane, and more to follow. This story line is inspired by the movie Hitch (Sonypictures/Columbiapictures).
A/N: Guys, this is it. This is my official baby. I have been working on it for a month, and I am so excited to finally post it for you!
Cure for the Common Man
"I got the cure you're thinking of"
Let's speak the truth about guys, people. They all have a disease. They all like to believe that they are 'men', when, indeed, they are just 'guys'. From the age of ten to about, say, thirty-five, most of the male species like to act like little boys with larger…egos.
Let's just leave it at that.
Boys will be boys, and girls, desperate as they are, think that they can't live without 'em.
Granted, I am a girl. In fact, I'm a single girl; though the term 'woman' is preferable. When you reach the age of twenty, quit your comedic show, and move on to hosting Oprah's old one, you should most definitely be considered a 'woman'. Besides, isn't it a known fact that our mentalities are more mature than the average dude's? I do believe it is.
From what I've observed, it is definitely true.
Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of boyfriends. They started with Tyler Ashley in the first grade and ended with James Conroy when Tawni Hart came in between us with her tight pants and fries (long story). My friends have also had their fair share of heartbreaks from the male species. And ladies, I have observed it all. Every single breakup, every single tear, every single mistake. I've been there. I've seen it all.
Yet, unlike most girls (no offense), I didn't resent it. I just merely observed the guys and their dim-wittedness, and keenly dissected the reasons why they're such stupid idiots.
They have no training, plain and simple.
And it was such a mystery to me. Why hadn't these guys of our generation studied their dads' behavior? Had video games and ego-runs polluted their minds to oblivion? Was there any hope for this generation of ours?
It seems like every male born after 1988 has been on meds to make him repel women, and it's a sad thing.
So, my point? Why am I rambling on about this? Why am I considered a genius amongst some of the guys in Hollywood and elsewhere these days?
Well, one day, a few years ago, I watched the movie Hitch.
Will Smith melts my heart, so, therefore, Alexander Hitchens stole mine. He pieced the men together, he trained them, until they were ready to go and capture the girl of their dreams. He defeated the jerks, and helped the sweet ones. He taught them how to get past their guy-ness so they could locate the gentlemen inside of them.
He genuinely helped the men.
And therefore, he helped all the girls because they no longer had to deal with the idiots the men had been. The girls had a gentleman who knew how to practice chivalry waiting for them.
I know that it's just a movie, but I also knew, deep down inside of me, that I could be the modern day Alex. I could be Hitch. I could help the guys.
Somewhere out there was a cure for the common man, and I was going to be their doctor, (per se). And that, my friends, is why I came up with my rules and system.
Week 1: You date the guy. Let the guy show you what he does on a date. Study all of his mistakes, and slap him when needed.
Week 2: Let the guy date you. Show him how the first date is supposed to go and how you want to be treated.
Week 3: (The 'deep' part of the relationship.) Go over proper conversational habits and good kissing measures.
Week 4: Usually, the dramatic fight week before the 'I love you, bebes' are exchanged. Make him create a horrendous fight, yet one that will still make the woman want more.
Week 5: Make up time. Also week of heavy make out session, so bring Mentos everywhere, (also, avoid garlic if possible).
Week 6: Final preparations. Send the MAN on his way.
RULE (HIDDEN): DO NOT fall in love with the guy, under any circumstances.
So far, so good. I haven't. I've had lots and lots of successful match-ups and intend for my successful matchmaking skills to go on forever.
And you wonder, Sonny, if you're still single, shouldn't you be considered a hypocrite?
I just like to say, those who don't "do" "teach".
…Jennifer Lopez's famous last words in The Wedding Planner.
I should've seen him coming from a mile away.
(As a side note, this idea is inspired by the movie Hitch, but I have changed it to make it ultimately original. I would appreciate it if my idea doesn't get stolen. Thanks.)