This is what happens when you're up at 1:00 in the morning with your best friend watching Bleach and thinking a bit too much.
Disclaimer: Do not own Bleach.
"Ichigo? Always use your bankai."
"What do you mean why? You lose like twenty pounds in that outfit!!"
"What?!! What does that have to do with anything?!!"
"It has to do with everything!!! I can't stand fighting ugly people!! My gag reflex just kicks in on demand!! That other outfit makes you look...just…AGHH!!! Just no!!"
"But...wouldn't that be in my favor?"
"NO!! It just means I'd want to punch in your face even more!! You know why you always win when you use your bankai? People get distracted!! Your outfit becomes form fitting and shows you actually have a figure!! You lose like twenty pounds in that thing!! Even your sword loses weight for god's sake!!"
"Oh come on Grimmj-…wait what? That's it? THAT'S what you notice? That I have a figure? NOT that I've become more powerful but the fact that my ASS stands out more and I don't look like a pregnant shclub?"
"….I never said any of that."
"Oh come on!! You can't deny it!! I know that's what you meant!! When you say 'shows you actually have a figure' that implies that curves on said figure are accentuated, hence, my ass."
"Well…okay so maybe that's one part-"
"AHA!! You admit it!! I knew you were crazy!! YOU PERVERT!!"
"Now hang on a minute!! If you think I'm the only one that's been checking you out then you're as dumb as everyone thinks you are!"
"What do you mean? You're the only one I know of that's been checking me out."
"The reason you haven't noticed is because you're an oblivious moron. Haven't you noticed that ever since you achieved bankai and returned to the world of the living that that store keeper has been offering to train you even more? Doesn't that seem a little odd to you?"
"How do you even know about that? Have you been spying on me?"
"Just answer the question."
"Okay so maybe he has. What about it?"
"You mean to tell me you haven't noticed that every time you go bankai he seems to stare more intensely than usual and becomes not quite as chatty?"
"That's just because training is a serious thing!!"
"Oh please!! How can you be so naïve? What about that one red haired soul reaper huh?"
"Renji? What about him?"
" Ugh! You really haven't noticed. Okay let me put this in simple enough terms for you. You train together more often. Why do you think this is?"
"He- he just likes to train that's all!!"
"Wrong! He likes the extra opportunity drool over you!! Every time you trip, every time you flip in the air, every time you stumble and have to bend over to catch your balance you know what he's thinking? 'I'd hit that…hard.'"
"WHAT?!!! HE IS NOT!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!!!"
"Oh for crying out loud!! After you train he has to visit the bathroom and 'take care of a problem.'"
"So?! That could happen to anyo-WAIT!! Why am I even HAVING this conversation with you? I don't even want to be talking about this!!!"
"Just…if you don't want to waste spiritual energy, change your wardrobe!! Distract them from the beginning!!"
"Hang on why are you trying to help, in your twisted way, anyway? Aren't we supposed to be, oh I don't know, ENEMIES?!"
"Think of it as some 'friendly' advice from me to you. Plus if the new wardrobe doesn't work the first time you could always…show a bit more skin."
"GAH!! I knew it!! You ARE just a pervert!"