So I deleted pretty much every author's note a while ago, but on second thought decided that was probably a bad idea. There are a few things that should be said so that this story doesn't give you a headache and make you ask yourself, "Wtf?"
1) This story began as a sort of response to Fallacy's story "Take it or Leave it". That in and of itself should cover the first half of the story. The cats, the non-abduction abduction and all ensuing chaos.
2) After a while this story took on a mind of it's own and went in a direction unforeseen by myself. Thus the Hidan "romance"; and I'm being honest here. I did not see that coming. In fact several readers had to point it out to me that this was obviously a romance, and a Hidan romance (about chapter nine if I remember correctly), and that I should mark it as such. So that covers all of that, or the second half at least.
3) My Jashin concept is all my own, Jashin himself I do not own. I have not seen another Jashin like him, however the idea for making an actual Jashin came from Onileo and her story "Shades of Crimson". So props to her. Go tell her to update in a timely manner. Sheesh woman. XD
4) Sometime in the future, when I have inspiration for such things, I will clean this thing up. There are places in this story that do not make me happy to read, mainly transitions and my fail attempts at "fight" scenes. That being said, I've said that for months now. I am such a slug. :)
Cheers and any other questions can be directed to the review button, I love watching that number climb. I hope you find this story as crazy as I do... and so we begin.
"You have got to be shittin me."
Kakuzu didn't even respond, what was the point? His partner barely even annoyed him any more, probably because he had become adept at tuning him out, instead he occupied his thoughts with images of money, what their mission was and whatnot. "Killing" his partner just wasn't as satisfying anymore; for one he bitched and whined twice as much when he was "dead", not to mention the fact that the bastard never actually died, and in the end he was invariably the one who had to stitch him back together again; which took all the joy out of having disemboweled or dismembered him in the first place.
That didn't mean he didn't lose his temper sometimes, but it happened a lot less frequently, he usually refrained from becoming angry until he had a new, especially creative way to "kill" his partner. Who said he was incapable of being artistic? He snorted, the last time he had "killed" Hidan, he had tied him up with his intestines, flayed his skin off and then messily removed a few bones here and there and left him for a week. He had been only slightly disappointed when he had come back to see that Hidan was alive and well and regrowing a femur. It was to be expected, the bastard just wouldn't die.
Whether it really was because of his god, or some arcane technique, he didn't know. He entertained the thought that Hidan lived just to spite the multitudes who wanted him dead. He snorted again, it would be just like Hidan to be that contrary.
"Seriously stitch-ass come look at this, it's fucking bizarre."
He sighed, he could tell by the tone that Hidan wouldn't just drop it if he ignored him. It was sad that he was becoming this familiar with the idiot, but he supposed it had something to do with the fact that none of his other partners had lasted even a third as long. He smiled to himself, at least those moronic pricks had stayed dead.
He stopped and looked at Hidan, momentarily preparing an "if you don't keep on your guard, someone's going to sneak up on you and kill you" speech, but the words died on his lips as he looked at what Hidan was holding. Or attempting to hold anyway. One small, angry, mewling, hot pink kitten. It was pink, a shade of pink that made him shudder and think about all the screaming, prepubescent girls he had ever seen in his life. To say the least it was unnatural, the girls and the cat. It was sort of funny though, he watched as the tiny thing clung to Hidan's hand despite his desperate attempts to shake it off.
"Fuck! It's claws are sharp!"
"What was that? Are you losing your touch?"
"Shut the fuck up dickweed, you try holding this motherfucker still!" He exasperatedly snapped his wrist and watched in mild horror as the kitten flew through the air to land caterwauling into his hair. "Fuck!"
He actually laughed this time. Although Hidan never talked about his hair, or about hygiene in general unless it was to complain about the smell or something, it was an undeniable fact that Hidan was extremely vain. To some degree though, all of the Akatsuki were conceited about their looks. It made life a bit more amusing, but it was still an extremely audacious waste of money. But as long as it was their money being spent on hair care products and nail polish and not his, he didn't say anything.
He picked the tense kitten out of Hidan's hair and placed it on the palm of his hand. It was tiny, it couldn't be more than a few weeks old, and it definitely belonged to somebody, pink cats were just too unnatural. He stroked it with a finger, slightly gratified by the way it purred and rubbed it's head against his hand. It didn't have a collar, he flipped it over, curious to see whether the thing was a girl or a boy. It was a girl, it would have been somewhat annoying to know that someone had dyed a boy pink regardless of whether it was an animal or not.
"Why does it fucking like you more? That's not fair, I'm the one that found it." Was he pouting over a kitten? He rubbed it's head again and then handed it back to Hidan. He wasn't going to be the one to pay for it, even if it was a runt and probably didn't eat much. Unless of course they found a reward posted for returning a ridiculously pink cat. Then it was all his.
"Be more gentle with it and it won't hurt you, idiot. It's just an animal and doesn't know better."
"Maybe you're the one going soft Kakuzu. Getting sentimental over an itty-bitty little kitty?" He laughed over his joke, then smiled at the ball of fluff in his hands and proceeded to pet it. It looked more like mangling but Hidan had never been known to be especially careful. It didn't seem like he had a whole lot of experience with being tactful or caring. If his relationships were anything like his fighting, his paramours probably ended up sacrificed before anything even happened. He laughed under his breath, the idea of Hidan with a lover was priceless. Though he really didn't know or care, the only things he knew for sure about Hidan was that he fought recklessly, he was a religious fanatic, didn't care about money, cussed like a sailor, and that he liked smelling good. Not a whole lot to go on to say the least.
He looked over his shoulder, Hidan was crooning at the damn thing. It was slightly disturbing, but it kept the fool quiet. They might actually make it to the town on time, and time after all, was money.
"You are not going to wash that thing here. Period."
"But Kakuzu I want to know what color it really is and it smells weird, like fucking shit."
"No." He took the cat from Hidan to make it final and settled back into his pillow and reopened his neglected newspaper. It wasn't that he was opposed to washing away that ugly color, he just wasn't going to have their uncomfortably small motel room smell like wet fur for the rest of the night. Not to mention the fact that the smell would soak into his clothes, his mask and that just wasn't going to happen, he hated that smell. He lowered his arms to take a momentary glance at the kitten, she was curled up in his lap quietly grooming, she was actually kind of cute once you got past the pink color.
He looked over at his partner smirking, it really was kind of fascinating that Hidan was getting so worked up over a kitten. He sacrificed people on a regular basis, was a homicidal lunatic and a zealot and yet he wanted to hold a little kitten.
"Promise not to get it wet and give me ten ryo and I'll give it back to you."
Hidan's eyes clouded angrily, so predictable. "Fuck no. It's just a stupid cat, I don't care. I don't." and huffily he turned around, pulled out his rosary and started to pray under his breath, periodically stabbing himself with a kunai. His little rituals were so annoying and tedious. They were also messy, he didn't say anything though, just flicked his paper to unwrinkle it. He wasn't going to be the one to clean up all that blood anyway, he chuckled.
After some time had passed Hidan paused in his ritual and turned around, kunai pierced through his hand. "I just noticed this, but why is there only one fucking bed in here?"
"Because it's cheaper."
"Oh hell no! I am not sleeping with you. I am not a fucking queer!"
Kakuzu nonchalantly folded his newspaper and looked at his partner gravely. "Then you can sleep on the floor because I am not paying for another room."
"But it'll be cold and hard and fuck no!" Apparently Hidan also liked being comfortable.
"Then figure something out because I am going to bed." He put the newspaper on the bed stand next to him and deposited the cat onto the floor and while he took off his clothes the kitten rubbed against his ankles. When he was down to his mask and his boxers he felt Hidan staring at him.
"What?" Hidan blanched. Amusing.
"Didn't realize you really were a stitch-ass."
Definitely not amusing. He fisted his hand, insufferable little prick, but wait, he smirked. "Why were you looking at my ass? Are you sure you're not a queer? " and with that he crawled under the covers, satisfied that he had angered his partner more than merely "killing" him could. The kitten jumped up on the bed and curled up in the curve of his lower back, it felt kind of nice. And ignoring his loud, berating, ranting, annoying partner, he drifted off to sleep.
He woke up on edge, something wasn't right. However his training as a shinobi quickly quelled the apprehension he felt as he took stock of his surroundings. Then he released a sigh; he was still in the motel, still in bed and it was still dark. He rolled onto his side to see what had woken him. He didn't know why he even bothered asking himself anymore, of course it was Hidan.
Hidan was wet, he had probably just washed all the blood off of himself, and lying awkwardly on the far edge of the bed was trying not to fall off. Was it really that distasteful to him? Groggily he reached out his hand and slid it down Hidan's collar bone, laughing when he cussed, flailed and fell off the bed. He yawned, rolled onto his back again and fell asleep.
Light filtered mutely through the blinds, dappling the bed covers. He heard the wind rustle the tree branches outside and occasionally one would scrape the window, the dull noise breaking the static silence. But that is not what had woken him the second time.
What had brought his sleep to a sudden, tumultuous halt was the fact that someone was holding him rather tightly, said someone was also sweaty, hot and shaking. Said someone started to softly moan and thrash against him. Said someone was Hidan and he was seriously asking to die.
Seething, he loosened some of his stitches and used them to pull apart Hidan's grip and quickly he disentangled himself and nimbly hopped off the bed. Turning around and wiping his hands on his boxers in disgust he was about to ask what the bloody fuck Hidan was thinking when he saw the kitten. He almost laughed hysterically, that's not how he normally was but the situation was just too ridiculous not to laugh.
Hidan was still sleeping and moaning and tossing about but it wasn't of his own volition. The kitten was lying primly on his chest delicately lapping at Hidan's neck. Hidan was having a wet dream to a kitten grooming him. How rich was that? He went to his cloak and pulled out the small video recorder he used for espionage and recorded the rest of the episode. Blackmail. He knew Hidan was as poor as sin but at least now he wouldn't have to do chores back at the base. No need to dirty his hands when he had a veritable gold mine just waiting to be put on DVD.
Life may have become like clockwork but it was looking a lot more interesting now. He almost felt like giving the cat a name.
Their mission was completed with alacrity, sometimes being a shinobi had it's benefits. It was easy when you were a trained soldier to put a civilian's mind at ease and then at the most opportunistic moment slide a knife between their ribs. Civilians were just too trusting and stupid, they were like sheep being led to the slaughter.
Having obtained what they had come for they headed back to the base. The going was boring, nothing happened, he almost wished some ignorant, noble ninja would leap out of the trees intoning their judgement on him. He enjoyed killing fools. He especially enjoyed killing self-righteous fools. But no, nothing happened, it was another day like the one before and the one before that. An endless cycle of monotony and misplaced Machiavellianism.
He had no complaints however, there was no doubt that people needed a leader, needed a leader that didn't mind using them to keep them in line. However as history had proved it seldom worked out as planned, typically ending in something markedly corrupt and macabre. For that reason he had disconnected himself from the world; they didn't want him and he didn't need them. The only reason he was working for the Akatsuki at all was to serve his own needs, he may not enjoy living but he wasn't ready to die just yet.
"You look like you could fucking melt a rock. Deep thoughts eh?" He whirled around, contemplated how he could kill him the quickest, and remembered that he couldn't. He ground his teeth and snarled.
"Ooo, that's so fucking scary I'm shittin my pants right now." He stopped completely and taking a few deep breaths regained his exterior calm, being a shinobi automatically made you a liar. He looked at Hidan standing there petting the cat sleeping in the crook of his arm, and listed all the reasons he shouldn't strangle him, first and foremost was that the bastard would like it, it meant a victory, meant that he had gotten under his skin. Two could play at that game, being a ninja made him a liar after all.
But instead he sighed wearily and kept walking, back at the base he would turn in his report, turn in the scrolls and then go to bed. Right now he just wanted the oblivion of sleep, to feel his muscles unclench, his eyes droop, his guard let down. Right now he just felt old. He smirked at himself; he was old. So as Hidan started mindlessly blathering about some subtle intricacy of his faith he leaped up into the trees, leaving Hidan behind and rushing closer to his bed.
Things went as they normally did, he turned in his report, answered Leaders impassive questions, grabbed some food, went to his room. Clockwork. He sighed as he lay down on the bed and stared at the door that connected his room to Hidan's. Closed, good. No sounds, even better. He swallowed the rest of his hurried meal and closing his eyes prepared to sleep off the mission.
Correction, he was sitting up glaring at the connecting door. He had felt a strange sort of pressure crinkling his skin, foreign chakra, here? Where was it? Who was it coming from? Friend or foe?
He heard Hidan's loud cursing, but it was different this time, his tone sounded confused and unbelieving, shocked even.
"You have got to be shittin me!"