A/N: Ok, so please don't hate me! I know it took a really long time to update this and I'm truthfully very sorry for that. Would you believe me if I told you I've been pretty busy? Well, that's not really much of an excuse, but it's pretty true. I hope you'll put your hatred aside, at least to read the second installment to this story? Yes? No? Please?
Mollilily Potter and Breaking Wind
Part Two: Breaking Wind
How might J.K. Rowling have written the ending of the Twilight series?
Bella Swan was in her bedroom, listening to music and trying to do her homework. She had her chemistry lab notebook resting in her lap and was stuck on one of the questions. What is the best way for one to release the juices of a sopophorous bean?
Bella threw down her pen in frustration. How should she know? What the heck was a sopophorous bean anyway!
There was a sudden noise at her window and Bella jumped. But it was only Edward, crawling into her room.
"What are you doing?" she hissed at him.
"Shhh!" He put his hand over her mouth. "They're coming."
"Huh? Who?" Bella asked when she could free her face from his grasp.
Bella gasped, and was about to freak out like the immature baby she was, when suddenly her room was invaded by six more vampires, who all looked extremely tense.
"Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, what are you doing here?"
Edward looked at his family with minute interest. "They're here to help," he answered. "Listen Bella, the Volturi want you, and they'd stop at nearly nothing to capture you. Give Esme, Rosalie, and Alice some of your clothes. They're going to pretend they're you, and Carlise, Emmett, and Jasper are going to escape with them in different cars, to confuse the Volturi. So quick, get some clothes out."
Edward said all that very quickly, and Bella's very little brain took quite some time registering what he meant. But once she did, she drew back from him in shock.
"Are you kidding? That's too dangerous!" she shrieked.
Edward rolled his eyes. "Oh, stop being such a martyr," he murmured, and grabbed a bunch of tops from her closet. "Quick," he ordered his family.
Before Bella knew it, she was in Edwards's arms, being run across her front lawn, and shoved in a car. "What the heck, pushy jerk," she said as he strapped her in.
Edward was in the driver's seat before she could blink, and four cars turned to life at the same moment and sped down the street.
Bella looked out the window at the cars zooming past her, and then turned her attention to the car she was in. "New car?" she asked.
Edward glanced around in pride. "Yup," he answered.
Bella shook her head. "Where did you get the money for this?"
"Triwizard - what?"
Just then, three huge figures jumped on the car. Bella screamed as the cloaked vampires crawled over the hood and tried to break the windshield.
"No!" Edward shouted, and before Bella could say anything, he flung open the door and jumped out of the car, maneuvering himself to hit the vampires off.
"What the heck!" Bella shrieked, grabbing for the steering wheel. "Are you trying to drive us off the road!"
But Edward didn't answer her. He was now in a fight with the cloaked vampires in the middle of the street. Bella thought about stopping to wait for him, but the fact that he had very nearly killed her made her speed off.
She wasn't sure where she was supposed to be going, so she drove down to the Cullen's luxurious home and parked the car. Se got out and learned to her great jubilation that the house door was unlocked.
She walked in and made her way to the kitchen. She looked through the cabinets until she found something that would sufficiently quench her need. She gulped down three large swigs from the brandy bottle before the front door swung open with a bang.
Edward was at her side in a millisecond. "What's wrong with you? Are you okay? Why did you drive away like that unprotected? I was terrified! How could you do that to me? Why did you come here? What are you doing? Why the heck are you drinking?"
Bella looked up at him quietly. "Medicinal purposes?"
"Oh for goodness sakes…."
The rest of the Cullens arrived just them, well most of them –
"Where's Carlisle?" Bella asked, looking around.
The vampires lowered their heads in mourning. Bella felt a sick sort of feeling in her stomach, and figured she would drink some more brandy, for something to do. But Edward took it from her, much to her dismay.
The Cullen house was very quiet. Bella was feeling extremely guilty about what happened. If it wasn't for her, Carlisle wouldn't have been killed.
She was stuck in the house now, and Edward wouldn't let her out of his sight. He said that even though they had evaded the Volturi for now, the Cullens couldn't be sure that they wouldn't attack again, especially if Bella left the house.
She hated the fact that they were all trying to protect her, and probably at risk to themselves. She daily complained that they didn't have to watch her, and even said she was going to leave. Quite surprisingly, no one objected.
A few weeks later Rosalie and Emmett's customary wedding took place. It was in the Cullen's house, so that they could keep Bella safe. She didn't think that this was a very good idea even if they were going to be on high alert, but she had been too busy with wedding plans that she didn't have time to complain.
Alice had bought her a wig of some sorts and made-up her face really pale, so that she would blend in, just in case someone did attack the wedding. She then gave her a job to show guests to their seats, totally defeating the point.
The ceremony was overdone and mushier then even Rosalie was known for, with doves and silliness of the like. It was just before Bella was getting very bored of the stupid dancing when it happened.
There was a scream from someone near the door and Bella whipped around in horror. Twenty vampires were converging on them, speeding around the room, snapping and growling….
"Edward!" Bella yelled, jumping up and pushing her way through the room. "Edward!" She couldn't see him; there were too many people, too much noise –
And suddenly Edward was there. He grabbed hold of her hand tightly, begged her not to trip, and sped towards the back door.
She could hear that there were footsteps behind them, following them, but when she turned around she found that it was only Alice and Jasper.
Before she knew it she was being shoved into a car - everyone was in - and they were speeding down the street, far away….
"What about everyone else at the wedding?" Bella complained. Again. "What if something terrible happens to them?"
"Forget about that now," Edward said.
Bella pouted. "Take me back, I want to help!"
"They'd kill you!" Edward shouted.
"Actually bro," Jasper commented from the front seat. "Maybe that's not such a bad idea."
"Whatever," Jasper said. "Just don't come to me when she gets all annoying."
They drove into town, speeding through red lights, running over some cats and coming to a stop.
"Where are we?" Bella asked, getting out.
"Some road," Alice murmured.
"Oh, they'd never be able to find us out in the open like this!"
They hadn't gone two blocks before a group of rowdy, drunken men suddenly called to them from across the street.
"Hey," one of them yelled, laughing stupidly. "How about a drink, sweety?"
Bella glanced at Edward, then back at the men. "Eh, why not?" And she started across the street.
"Bella!" Edward grabbed her arm, saving her from getting squashed by a bus.
"What?" Bella complained. "You took away my drink last time!"
"That's because you're too young to drink!"
"Well you're a stupid git!"
Bella rolled her eyes at his incompetence. "A stupid, lousy git who - "
"Alright, alright, shut up already!" This was from Alice. "We should really get going!"
And without further ado she marched off.
"But where are we going?" Bella called after her.
And so they did!
Edward set up the tent (which wasn't necessarily the best protection, since they were on the run from mad and vicious vampires, but Edward insisted on finding some place deserted, so they were hiding in a forest) Alice sat reading books, Jasper roasted marshmallows, and Bella complained.
This time she was bored.
"I'm bored," Bella complained.
Edward looked up at her. "Well, do you want to go look for fire wood?"
"Do you want to sing some camping songs?"
"Do you want to play Hungry Hungry Hipppos?"
Edward looked toward Jasper for help, but he just shook his head. "I told you not to come to me when she gets all annoying."
Two weeks later found Bella, Edward, Alice and Jasper still camping in a tent.
"Edward," Bella called for the 100, 239, 312, 389th time since they had set up camp. "I'm hungry."
Jasper popped his head up from behind a book. "Me too," he said, looking at Bella with a little too much intent.
Edward growled and Jasper receded.
"I know you are," he said to Bella. "Alice cooked some fish for you."
But Bella frowned and huffed and pouted.
"This is stupid," she mumbled.
Alice appeared just then and sat down. "It is," she agreed.
Bella made a face. "So why'd you suggest it?"
"Actually, it's the perfect place for us to prepare!"
"Prepare?" Bella asked.
"Yeah," Alice said. "To do research on how to destroy the vampires!"
Bella glared at her. "You mean you've been searching on how to kill those vampires? And you didn't tell me?"
Jasper chuckled. "There are many things people don't tell you."
It turned out that there was actually a really annoying and long way that they could kill the murderous vampires that were after Bella. (Jasper suggested that they should all just give up, but Edward nearly tore his head off.)
What they had to do was find the seven Hos that the vampires had created, and destroy them.
Apparently two of them had already been taken care of, so really they just had to find five more. Not such a big deal.
For some reason they were still camping.
"Ok!" Alice said happily one day. "I've found the next Ho!"
"Really?" Bella asked happily.
"Yes," Alice said.
She pointed towards Bella's bracelet. "That's it!"
Bella looked at the bracelet Jacob had given her. "How?"
"It's really an old family heirloom of Aro's"
"Oh, ok," Bella said.
Alice set the bracelet on fire.
The next day they went off to the bank to look for the next Ho.
"What exactly is it that you're looking for?" Bella asked Edward as he snuck them passed the security guards, and into the high security deposit boxes.
"An old cup!" he told her.
"What does it look like?"
Edward opened the deposit box and took out the cup. "This!"
Bella stared at it for a few moments. "Um, ok."
And Alice burned the Seinfeld Collector's Edition coffee mug.
"So," Bella said later that day after they jumped off a dragon. "Where do you think that next Ho is?"
Edward looked at her, thinking. "Hmm, I'm pretty sure I know where it is!"
Edward, Alice, Jasper, and Bella made their way towards Bella's old school.
"Tell me again why you think there's a Ho in here?"
Alice led them into the building. "Demetri used to come here all the time. Apparently he grew very fond of the place. Considered it his home."
"Something to do with Mr. Banner."
They marched through the hallways, searching for places that could hide a Ho.
"What about the broom closet?" Bella suggested.
"Good idea," Edward said and he opened up the closet. "Bloody!" he gasped, reaching inside.
Jasper perked up. "Bloody?"
Edward rolled his eyes. "Figure of speech. Look!"
He pulled out an old hat. "It's a Phillie's baseball cap!"
"Two birds," Alice said, and she held it to a lit match.
They were just on their way out of the school when a voice called out to them.
"Hey, what are you doing here?"
They turned around. It was Jacob.
"What are you doing here?" Alice asked.
Jacob scowled. "I asked you first!"
Edward glared. "We asked you second!"
Jacob's eyes narrowed. "I want to know more!"
Jasper's eyes flashed. "I want to know more!"
Jacob's lips curled. "I want - "
But before Jacob could say what he wanted a voice was heard, vibrating off the walls.
"Give over Bella Swan and you won't be harmed."
"No problem!" Jasper yelled, grabbing Bella's arm.
Edward took off his.
They all ran out onto the front lawn to face the Volturi, who were glaring at them.
"Um, Alice," Bella asked, staring at the vampires. "What do you plan on doing now?"
Alice looked her. "Well someone needs to kill their dog Ho."
Bella looked over at the vampires. She was just about to ask her how they were going to do that when there was a sudden shout of anger.
They all turned in time to see Jacob standing on the other side of the lawn. He was poking a horribly ugly dog with a plastic knife. Aro was staring at him in pure fury.
"Cupcake!" he screamed.
"So," Jacob said, as he ran away from the Volturi as fast as he could and returned to Bella's side. "That's the last one isn't it?"
"Actually," Alice said.
"What?" Edward asked.
"Remember when James bit Bella?"
"And he gave her that scar?"
"Well, Edward, I kinda think…."
"What is it?" Bella asked.
Alice turned to her. "Bella you're the last Ho!"
Jasper punched the air with his fist.
"What?" Bella screamed. "James isn't even part of the Volturi!"
"Minor detail," Jasper said.
Edward glared at him. "Not Bella you bitch!" And he punched him in the nose, tackling him to the ground.
While they fought Jacob nudged Bella towards the Volturi.
When Edward found out what happened he willingly gave himself over to the Volturi.
Alice tried to stop him but got her head bitten off.
Jasper attempted to run away, but they caught him anyway.
Meanwhile, Jacob skipped off into the forest, summoning his werewolf cronies.
They got rid of the Volturi in ten seconds flat. They paid a visit to the Cullen home shortly after.
19 Years Later
19 Years Later
Jacob Black was standing beside his wife Lizzie, who he had married on his own free will. They were standing at the bus stop waving their children off to school.
"Bye Mommy! Bye Daddy!" their little son Hugo called, smiling brightly.
"Bye!" Rose yelled out the window.
Jacob smiled at his daughter's enthusiasm. It was her first day of kindergarten and she was alight with joy. "Bye, have fun," he said happily, waving at them as the bus pulled away from the curb.
Lizzie wrapped her arms around her husband. "They'll be fine," she murmured.
Jacob grinned back at her. "I know."
No stupid mythical creatures had bothered him in nineteen years. All was well.
A/N: It would be very kind of you to leave a review!
Also, I really want to thank everyone who reviewed the first chapter, you're all great! Im response to the review from SMI, in the beginning of Breakin Dawn, Meyer actually does change the breakfast that Bella is eating before her wedding! You should look it up! Personally, it was harder for me to write a parody that made fun of Harry Potter, I actually liked the book alot, and Rowling did it very well. I couldn't resist dissing the Twilight characters though! (Sorry Twilight fans, don't be mad at me).
Any way, as I said before, please review if you can! Thanks so much!