A/N: Complete at 5 chapters. Uploading them all at once. This Harry Potter obsession...is taking over my life.
Warnings: Slash. Snape x Harry. Don't like it? Don't read it. Pretty simple, huh?
Disclaimer: It's not mine. Obviously. I'm just having some good, wholesome, slashy fun, and of course, making no profit off of it.
Chapter One: Older Men
"What are you doing?" Harry asked blearily.
Ron, Seamus, Dean, and Neville were sitting on the floor of the boy's dorm. It was barely eight a.m. on a Saturday. Seamus had barked out a laugh so loud that Harry woke and pulled himself blearily out of bed.
"Compatibility quiz," Ron answered. "Oh, that's right. I don't think you've ever seen one, have you, Harry?"
Harry stretched a kink out of his back and sat down, thinking of those silly magazines the muggle girls read, but what was on the floor now wasn't a magazine. It was something that looked rather more like a large top. There was an orb of smoky, swirling light that reminded Harry distinctly of one of Professor Trelawney's crystal balls perched on top of a precariously balanced golden needle. This sat on top of a strange glyph etched onto a piece of thick black satin.
Harry shook his head and joined the group. "Don't think so."
"They're pretty funny," Seamus said. "Dean just got matched up with ol' Looney Lovegood."
"I wish you wouldn't call her that," Harry replied. "I know she's battier than a belfry, but she's still a friend."
Seamus shrugged a half-assed apology and Harry changed the subject. "What's it doing?" he asked, watching the needle swirl about on the glyphs. Gold shapes raised off the cloth as Ron sat staring at it in concentration. Neville had a booklet in hand and was asking questions. "Hair color?"
Ron frowned, "I dunno, mate, brown, I guess. As long as it isn't red."
"Shy, or outspoken?"
"Outspoken. 's hard enough to start a conversation with a girl as it is, without having to carry the whole damn thing," Ron said. After Dean's go, Ron almost looked afraid at who was going to appear.
"See, someone asks the questions, and you answer them. The right symbol raises up for the question you asked, based on what you say, and the tone of your voice and stuff--knows if you're lying, right?--so when you finish the questions, all those symbols combine, and the person you know that most closely qualifies to your tastes appears at the top."
"Has to be someone you know?" Harry asked.
"Well, yeah. What fun would it be if some stranger you've never laid eyes on showed up?"
"I guess I see your point."
Seamus suddenly started laughing again. He wasn't trying to be quiet this time, since Harry was awake now and there was no one left to disturb.
The smoke had moved and now Hermoine's torso was staring up at Ron with a sour look. Ron didn't seem to think it was as funny as Seamus did. "Alright, you think it's so funny, let's see who you get, Seamus," he said, snatching the book from Neville. Foggy Hermoine retreated, and the board reset.
"Okay, first," Ron said, "Favorite hobby?"
"Going to Quidditch games, obviously," Seamus said.
He answered the questions, throwing a goofy joke in whenever he got the chance. After about five minutes of this, the smoke swirled again, and the boys started busting out in raucous peals of laughter. Staring up at Seamus, hunch-shouldered and thick-browed was none other than Viktor Krum.
Harry noticed that Seamus blanched a little before joining in the humor. "You're turn Harry," he said, snatching the booklet from Ron.
"Me? What about Neville."
"Oh, I got my turn first," Neville said.
"Got Ginny," Dean pointed out, and Ron, like a good big brother, gave him a little 'don't even consider it' glare.
Harry shrugged and went down the list. He'd figured out by now his biggest problem with getting and keeping a girlfriend was the 'girl' part, but after Seamus getting Viktor Krum, he was pretty sure he wasn't going to be the one most teased with who showed up at the very least. He tried to answer as honestly as he could. He didn't know exactly what his type was but as Seamus asked the questions he kind of tried to focus on things he liked when answering--dark hair, long was nice. Deep eyes, the kind that cut right through you. Older, definitely. He'd figured out by now that he'd been through too much and sometimes had a hard time relating to guys his own age--as friends, yeah, but a deeper relationship than that...probably someone who had a few years on him would be the best. Someone relatively quiet--he didn't have a problem carrying a conversation if he had to, but he'd have to slit his throat if he had a significant other who never shut up. It was nice to just have some quiet time once in a while too. Height? Taller. He was short enough, anyone shorter would have to be some kind of midget, he figured. It would be nice if it was someone who knew how to take charge--so he didn't have to think so hard once in a while. Not all the time, but if he was the driving force in a relationship Harry figured it would probably end up pretty turbulent and complicated.
He hardly noticed that the questionnaire had ended, lost in his thoughts, but when the smoke started to take form he snapped back to attention. The orb shifted and moved, turned dark, then took form...and every jaw dropped for a moment before Seamus started laughing so hard he had to wipe a tear from his eye and clutch at his stomach. Dean and Ron were quick to follow. Even Neville had a stupid grin on his face. But Harry wasn't laughing. Severus Snape was staring up at him like he was the scum of the earth. Harry couldn't help but think every single prerequisite he'd set before the orb...Snape actually did posses all those traits. 'Be careful what you wish for, huh?' Well, however he thought about it, joke or not, Snape scowling up at him was a rotten way to start the morning.