A/N: Not much to say, just enjoy. This is all for laughs. Reviews are appreciated.
BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hitsugaya [censors]
Welcome to our first edition of the BLEACH weekly tabloid, now available for purchase in Hueco Mundo! On another, totally unrelated note, we beg the hollows to please stop trying to eat our salesmen! Little Jimmy had to go into therapy because of you naughty little hollows!
Moving on, our cover story for this week's edition revolves around everyone's favorite and shortest captain: Toshiro Hitsugaya! Earlier today we contacted the Squad Ten division headquarters only for a drunk Rangiku to pick up the phone! I like using exclamation marks! Our conversation with Ms. Matsumoto went something like this:
Rangiku Matsumoto: Hallo? Whozit?
BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hello, we're with the BLEACH Weekly Tabloid and we—!
RM: Don'wan any.
BWT: Uh, excuse us?
RM: I told you I don't want any! Now shtop calling me Gin!
After this remark the phone call was promptly disconnected, and so we tried again later! This time our luck was a little better as it was the third seat of the squad who remains unnamed and unimportant! The second call happened a little like this:
Third Seat: Hello, Squad Ten headquarters, how may I help you?
BWT: Hello good sir, we were wondering if you could help us set up a meeting with your beloved captain!
BWT: So it's agreed! Great we'll be over at four—make sure you make some tea!
With that we were off to the Soul Society, ready for our rare interview with the elusive Squad Ten captain! On our way we reflected on our amazing and enthralling discussion with Lieutenant Matsumoto. Our thought process went something like this:
BWT: Why do we always think in the plural? Hey, did you notice Matsumoto mention something about Gin? Oh, we've got our cover story for next week! Score!
At long last we reached the Squad Ten Headquarters and prepared for the bread and butter of this story: our interview with Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya! Walking into his office you could just tell he was one classy fellow. All of his paperwork was all nice and organized, waiting to be sent off, and not a speck of dust to be found. With the exception of Matsumoto, who was passed out on the couch surrounded by suspiciously empty bottles, this was one sleek office.
We waited patiently for the young captain to arrive, and while we waited we took the liberty to search his office for juicy gossip—all in the name of the reader! Searching his desk revealed some rather interesting photos of several other captains as well as some particularly embarrassing shots of Lieutenant Hinamori—shots that can now be found on page 42!
As we rifled through his once orderly desk drawers, who would appear but the captain himself? In a rather loud voice he asked us, "What the [censor] are you doing in my office? Who are you [censor] stalkers?" To which we wisely replied:
"We'll ask the questions here, if you don't mind."
With a vain that looked close to bursting on his forehead we decided it would be a good time to explain to the dearest captain what was going on. After we told him the third seat was responsible for letting us in he promptly muttered something along the lines of, "He is so dead." Reluctantly Mr. Hitsugaya agreed to go through with the interview, despite not being forewarned. What a sport!
The following interview takes place between five and six o'clock in the evening on September twenty-first. All opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of BWT or its associates, and is brought to you by Soul Shiners. For the brightest shining Zanpakuto in all the Seireitei go to Soul Shiners!
BWT: Thank you so much for having us Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya—may we call you Toshiro?
Toshiro Hitsugaya: No, you may not.
BWT: Great! So, Toshiro, we've caught wind that you may be involved in some sort of secret relationship with—!
TH: Whatever you heard it's not true.
BWT: If you say so! Why not tell us what you think of the Seireitei and being a Soul Reaper?
TH: Uh, well I never really wanted to be a Soul Reaper originally, but it's not a half bad gig. I mean, I get paid, housed, fed… Everything I need is provided for me, so really I couldn't complain. The Seireitei itself could use some better defense, but it's not that bad. I mean we've only had three break-ins in the last few months; that's practically a new record!
BWT: We're moving on now! Do you have any advice for those young aspiring Soul Reapers?
TH: Sure, I mean, the Soul Reaper business is tough, so know what you're getting into before it's too late. If you're certain you want to go through with it just do like I did—put all your heart into it, fly through the academy, and allow your once warm hearts to freeze over with hate and spite—wait no that's not what I—!
BWT: Too late! You said it; it's official!
TH: Stop dancing around, idiot!
BWT: Hey, we will not be called idiots by a child two feet shorter than us!
TH: You are not two feet taller than me! And I'm not a child! And you are too idiots!
BWT: Whatever you say, Toshiro.
TH: Captain Hitsugaya!
BWT: We don't care! Hey, wait does that mean you do have a short-person complex?
TH: I hope you fall down a flight of stairs and break both your legs on the way home.
BWT: We hope so too because that's called workers comp!
TH: Yeah, so are we done here?
BWT: One more question actually!
TH: Oh please allow a black hole to swallow this person up…
BWT: What do you think of the insane romance between Lieutenant Momo Hinamori and Captain Sosuke Aizen?
TH: What did you… just… say?
BWT: Hey, you're looking a little pale there; are you okay buddy?
TH: Momo and… Aizen… What do I think?
BWT: Well… that was the question…
BWT: We're scared!
TH: Momo would never be involved with a scumbag like Aizen! She's smarter than that, and way too good for Aizen! So you know what? You know what I think?
BWT: No but we'd appreciate it if you'd tell us!
TH: I think Aizen needs to burn and rot in [censor]! I think he needs to suffer a horrible [censor] death involving [censor] hallows [censor] [censor]!
BWT: We're not even sure if you can create a grammatically correct sentence with that many censors!
TH: I mean, come on! Why did the creator have to be so unfair? I mean look at him! Just look at him! He's [censor] sexy! Have you seen him since he changed his hair? He has [censor] dogs in heat just by [censor] looking at him! Why does he have to be drawn so sexy? I can be sexy too [censor] it! If you're reading this Aizen: Die [censor] die! Aizen you [censor] die! Die [censor], die [censor], die [censor]!
BWT: We never knew you had such a colorful vocabulary! We'll be leaving now since you are frightening us a great deal! Thank you so much for your time!
And so ended our interview with Toshiro Hitsugaya as he broke down into sobs, repeatedly slamming his fist against the desk, screaming, "Why Momo, why?"
Unfortunately that's all for the cover story of the week! Be sure to check out those rather revealing photos of Lieutenant Hinamori on page 42, as well as the full-colored, centerfold pull out of Yoruichi—in her cat form, you sick, sick people! Now we must end our report as Captain Hitsugaya has just reached into his desk drawer for comfort and is now screaming at the top of his lungs, "Where are my [censor] pictures?"