Hello all my darlings!
I firmly realize that I have been absent from the circuit for a while....*sheepish look*....hokay...a long...loooong while. Hopefully this makes up for it. This right here is the product of a rabid plot bunny that bit me in the middle of a shower. I'm serious. I laughed so hard I nearly fell over. Enjoy XD.
Title: Man's Best Friend.
Rating: R – M
Warnings: No fictitious animals were harmed in the making of this fic...wait-does that even make sense? O.O This story includes hot men, a pinch (or oil tanker full) of token 'Cereal' humour, displays the age old epic battle of man (new boyfriend) vs animal(cock-blocking dog) and just for the heck of it some UST. XD. Also...THERE IS CRACK. You have been warned!
Dedication: To Wawuchen, my darling stalker. This fic is also dedicated to all those dog-loving people out there and secondly to all those readers out there who think Kyuubi gets underplayed in NaruSasu AU's. XD
Summary: Everyone knows the term 'Monster in Law'. Sasuke learns exactly how literal that term can be when he meets his new boyfriend's dog. Let the battle begin (cue Mission Impossible theme song)
Beta: Unbeta'd for the moment. However- as soon as Master goes through it I will be reposting the beta'd version. All mistakes are mine. *Cringes*. I was laughing so hard while I wrote this thing it's amazing that it's even half-way legible.
It had happened in one of those very rare moments when life decides to not only not fuck you over- but to throw you a bone as well.
Uchiha Sasuke had just ducked into a little café just off the corner of East Konoha street moments before the sudden downpour of unexpected July rain. Smirking superiorly at having outmanoeuvred that menopausal Mother Nature Sasuke spun on the heel of his hand tooled Italian loafers and moved towards the counter for his purchase.
One might wonder what the youngest scion of the elite Uchiha clan was doing in this third rate café so far off his usual beaten track. The thing is you see- Uchiha Sasuke had a secret; a deep, dark secret that he would swear blind denying.
Uchiha Sasuke...liked to bake.
Yes, you heard correctly goddamnit, the littlest Uchiha was a closet pastry chef. Ironic really considering he wasn't much of a closet anything anymore especially since that annoying pink-haired reporter from the Tokyo Sun had found him making out with some random man whilst stone drunk at another one of the Itachi's boring fundraisers last year.
Right now however, the thing which had brought the twenty two year old Advertising mogul to this little out of the way coffee shop was that he'd heard that it carried a very rare, very pure selection of Arabian Coffee that he'd been practically salivating to get after he'd come across a recipe for a Triple Dark and Dirty Coffee Cake that just hadn't turned out quite right with any other brand of java he'd experimented with.
The place was dusky and darkly wallpapered with a few booths crammed into the back corner but the paltry décor wasn't what Sasuke was interested in. The man behind the counter was an odd looking, silver haired, thirty something, with an eye patch and a dark scarf obscuring the lower half of his face. What was left visible was a right eye currently gleaming ecstatically as it perused the words written in a little orange b-...wait...wasn't that porn?
Sneering the Uchiha stalked up to him.
"Excuse me. You have a brand of Arabian cof-"
The silver haired freak had held up a finger quite rudely cutting Sasuke off in the very middle of his sentence.
"I'm sorry. I can't help you."
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "But you're right here. What do you-" He was cut off again.
"Hey- this isn't something so base as porn! It's a very intricate and meaningful example of literary genius depicting the wonderful actions of the human body in coital situations!"
"Uh huh," Sasuke deadpanned. "Porn. Listen- isn't there anyone who's not congenitally retarded who can help me?"
The silver haired scarecrow sighed before turning around towards an open door behind the counter he sat at and yelled out.
"NARUTO! Get your ass out here- someone needs your help!"
A resounding crash echoed out of the storage room- that's what Sasuke assumed it was anyway- followed by a string of rather inventive expletives. A few sounds of stumbling later and out of the dusky room tumbled a...-a...-a...holy shit...
Sasuke was half tempted to scrap the coffee and ask if the six foot, muscular blond who'd just tumbled out of the storage room was available for ordering instead.
"Yeah? What can I do you for?"
'Oh you can 'do me' alright' Sasuke immediately thought. Instead, what actually came out of his mouth was "I'm interested... in the Arabian coffee you carry."
Sasuke watched in delight as the shimmering Mediterranean blue eyes darkened when the tan man before him caught the tiny hint Sasuke'd given in his sentence. Leaning forward to brace his strong forearms on the dingy countertop the blond allowed a few of his bangs to brush mischievously over his eyes. Looking up under his thick gold lashes beautiful pink lips quirked as he asked huskily.
"Arabian coffee huh- that's... all... you're interested in?"
Sasuke smirked. "Unless you have something else that would be worth my while."
The blond- Naruto- Sasuke presumed- appraised him for an eternal second with those fathomless blue eyes of his. The brunet found his eyes raking over the strong chest covered by a short sleeved Oxford which showcased strong, muscled forearms. He eagerly devoured the sight of the sturdy neck the square jaw and solid handsome features. He'd just gotten to wondering about the odd whisker shaped scars on the other man's cheeks before Naruto spun around and disappeared into the back room again. Ten seconds later he was back outside toting an aerated, burlap five pound pack which did nothing to hide the sweet aroma of the coffee wafting from within.
Crossing over to the customer side of the room Naruto silently held out the coffee with one arm. Reaching out to take it Sasuke quirked a dark brow when Naruto didn't release the product.
"If you don't mind my asking- what so great about this coffee to you anyway?"
Sasuke wanted to grin like a demented shark. Too easy. "It's smooth, sweet and slides easily down the throat."
Naruto's eyes caught afire as he slid his broad hand up Sasuke's wrist and with a sharp tug reeled the black haired business man in. Invading Sasuke's personal space the blond leaned forward and whispered inches from Sasuke's mouth;
"Give me half a chance and I'll show you something else that can slide easily down your throat."
And the rest- as they say- was history.
They'd been dating officially for a month now and for the life of him Sasuke could not understand-but wasn't complaining either- as to why or how in the name of god Naruto had been single when they'd met.
Naruto Uzumaki- for that was his full name- was a twenty three year old freelance photographer for the Japanese arm of National Geographic. The six foot, half American blond, Sasuke'd learned, had been helping out the boyfriend of his childhood mentor that day they'd met in the shop. The young Uchiha had learned a greater deal of things about the man as well. Things like the fact that Naruto was an orphan, that the marks on his face were the result of a getting piss drunk at a college party when he'd been too close to the tattoo obsessed brother of his best friend Gaara and that the blond was the singularly most stubborn human being on the face of the plant.
Honestly- Sasuke wondered how such vastly opposite people could be compatible. Naruto had been the first man to take him- Uchiha Sasuke an uptight stickler for tradition- on an unconventional three day date waterskiing off the coast of West Honshu. Dinner had been shellfish stewed over an open fire and clothing had been limited to board shorts. For the first time in a long while Sasuke had let his hair down and just gone with the flow, snickering continuously at the moron's ridiculous antics. The fool had been lucky he hadn't broken his neck on some of those stunts he'd pulled trying to impress his companion.
Naruto had also been the first man who'd shown him that the customary, stuffy dinner date could be a wine and cheese picnic on the apartment floor and Naruto had been the first man he'd known who insisted that yes wrapping themselves in blankets and telling ghost stories was an acceptable date activity. Then again Naruto was also the first grown man he'd known who still avidly watched 'Power Rangers' and brushed his teeth with 'Finding Nemo' toothpaste.
On being asked why he was still single all this time Naruto had blushed and shrugged.
"I dunno. I've been dating a heck of a lot of guys and girls since high school but – I guess the reason none of them stuck around long was 'cause we weren't- I dunno- compatible?"
And that's what Naruto had thought and Sasuke had accepted until that fateful- or fatal depending on how you looked at it- day when Naruto brought the Uchiha over to his house for the first time and Sasuke had met....it.
"You live here dobe?"
"Hey don't call me that ya' bastard! Yeah I live here- what's wrong with it?"
Sasuke shrugged and turned away from the charming old farmhouse. He really should have pictured Naruto as the white-picket-fence kind of guy. Since the token wife and two point five kids were out of the picture the only thing missing now was a -
Sasuke watched, appalled, as a freaking humongous reddish gold thing practically flew out through the doors of the house almost tearing the oak off its hinges. With huge strides the barking, hairy, tail-wagging mass of canine flesh leaped through the air- practically obscuring the friggin' sun- and landed on Naruto.
"Hey boy!" the taller man had giggled out as his –dog- began to bathe Naruto's whiskered face in copious amounts of saliva.
"Alright Kyuu- down. DOWN I say!"
The giant beast settled a bit and Sasuke saw that the creature came roughly up to Naruto's thighs. What the hell was this dog mixed with-Woolly Mammoth?
"Kyuu- this is my new boyfriend, Sasuke. Sasuke this is my bestest friend ever; I've had him since I was 15, Kyuubi."
Kyuubi turned to look at him his long red tongue spilling out of his open, be-fanged mouth and for one disturbing second Sasuke thought he saw a glittering gleam of devious intelligence in those odd orange-ish red eyes before it was gone and the Uchiha reminded himself that this was a harmless dog.
Kyuubi darted forward and after softly snuffling at Sasuke's right hand, whined and gave the pale appendage a tentative lick, before darting back to his master's side, huge curved tail high and wagging forcefully as he sought praise from the blond for his gesture of friendship. Naruto was beyond ecstatic.
"See, he likes you already! This is gonna be great!"
Sasuke spared his derisive snort and patted the golden red animal a bit on the head; firmly chastising himself for thinking the dog looked evil. Both man and beast turned to follow the blond as he made his way into the house and then...it happened. Sasuke became aware of what exactly was hiding in the fur of a 'harmless dog' .They were on the porch landing and Naruto had gone in and held the door open for his guest. Sasuke was just stepping in when, with a growl, Kyuubi slipped around Sasuke's feet, darted inside and with a backward...scowl?...at Sasuke- the dog wrapped his tail around the Uchiha's leg and yanked! Friggin' yanked! The unbalanced brunet went down like the Hindenburg, managing to land rather painfully on his rear end. Naruto turned at the 'thump' and raised his eyebrow.
"You okay S'uke?"
Sasuke for his part was sitting on the floor staring incredulously at the seated dog that was now at his eye level. Kyuubi's tail was curled comfortably around his haunches and his glowing orange eyes were half-lidded.
" Naruto- your...your dog just tripped me."
The blonds' eyebrows rose as he glanced down at Kyuubi and the orange furred bastard had the gall to stare innocently back up at his master with half his soul in each wide eye.
"Aw c'mon Sasuke look at him. I didn't see him trip you."
Sasuke was flabbergasted. Did that moron actually doubt what he said in favour of a dog?
"Dobe, I'm telling you, that thing wrapped its tail around my leg and tripped me!"
Kyuubi just continued to stare at Naruto soulfully before looking down at his limp tail which twitched feebly before going back lifeless as if to say 'who me? I couldn't trip a thing' and then turned back to Naruto.
The blond frowned. "I think your mistaken Sasuke, Kyuu wouldn't- couldn't- do that. Don't blame the poor dog for your own clumsiness S'uke, maybe you tripped over something else. C'mon inside."
Sasuke was shocked to his core. Utterly astonished, the brunet watched Naruto disappear inside before turned back to the dog which remained on the porch.
Kyuubi just stared at him for a moment before – believe it or not- narrowing his eyes and pulling his top lip back to reveal the tips of a glistening row of fangs. He reminded Sasuke of how Itachi looked after the older Uchiha had just performed a hostile takeover of some unfortunate bastard's company. Smug. The frigging dog looked decidedly smug at Sasuke before turning on his paws and-adding insult to frigging injury- slapped the Uchiha in his face with his muscular tail before he trotted off, emitting a strange set of panting breaths that sounded damn close to scornful snickering.
And that was the day the battle began.
It had been three days and Sasuke was wondering how it was that Naruto couldn't see that his dog was either an intelligent alien life form or possessed.
Mother of god man what normal dog watched TV by using the remote? What normal dog got aroused from watching reruns of Baywatch? What normal dog goddamnit was such a devious fucking bastard that he somehow managed to leave stool in the toilet and cause Naruto to think Sasuke had forgotten to flush? What NORMAL DOG-
"Hey Sasuke, could you do me a huge favour?"
They were sitting down to breakfast about seven that morning; himself, Naruto and of course- Kyuubi who had his own chair- when the beautiful, blue eyed blond had posed the question to Sasuke. He'd asked after the orange furred dog was being fussy and kept refusing to eat his kibble, pointing his nose at the fridge and clearly pining for something else instead.
"What is it?"
Naruto's eyes grew round. "Well, you see, there's this thing. You know how I don't eat pork?"
"Yes-" Sasuke asked warily.
"Well," the blond got up and crossing to the freezer pulled out a grease paper wrapped lump of- something. "I'd asked Kiba to grab some raw meat for Kyuu the other day 'cause I had that wild bird photo shoot and the idiot got pork."
Sasuke failed to see the problem. "So? It's not like you're going to eat it."
"Well no....but see Kyuu has this weird thing. He loves red meat but he won't eat it unless he see's someone test it first and since I can't eat pork-"
"What?" Sasuke spared an incredulous glance at the hug red-gold animal sitting on its haunches staring up at him. "You-let me get this straight- you want me- to- taste test- semi-raw- pork – for your dog?"
"...You've been inhaling helium balloons again haven't you?"
"Saaaa-sukeeeeee!" The Uchiha spared a glance at the begging blond man who had put his face near Kyuubi's and both man and beast were begging with their eyes. Sasuke tried one last time to refuse.
"There are so many unsanitary things wrong with that statement I-," Sasuke took one more look at the blond's fully distended misty blue eyes and cursed, "Oh fine. Give it here." What- it's not like a little raw meat was going to kill him.
The package opened and Sasuke stared at the red meat.
....On second thought-
"Naruto- how long have you had this?"
"A few days; why?"
Sasuke stared down at the lump of meat and felt bile crawl up his throat when the thing- did that thing blink?
"Naruto, this thing is sentient."
"Oh c'mon S'uke."
Sasuke gritted his teeth. Naruto already thought that he didn't like Kyuubi, if he chickened out now-. Grabbing a fork Sasuke speared off the tiniest piece imaginable almost gagging on the scent of half raw pork and brought his forkful up to his mouth. Every sensibility in his being rebelled but god- Naruto was looking so hopeful and –
"If I eat this you'll have the rest?" The question had been posed to Kyuubi and the dog thumped his tail and yowled in excited agreement.
"You'd better make sure." Yips and yowls agreed with him and Kyuubi urged him on. In retrospect that- clearly-should have been a warning sign since Sasuke was pretty sure Kyuubi would cheerfully lead him off a cliff to his untimely demise. Nevertheless- swallowing his pride Sasuke popped the thing into his mouth and fought the crossing of his eyes as his stomach roiled something fierce. He stopped his breath and forced it down before gasping and shoving the entire package at Kyuubi absolutely sure he was going to be ill.
That was when Kyuubi tapped danced his furry orange behind across Sasuke's last forgiving nerve. Having clearly just witnessed the hardship Sasuke had gone through Kyuubi stuck his nose at the meat that he had pined for, sniffed, pulled back and given Sasuke a derisive look that clearly said "You stupid fucker you expect me to eat this?" He then proceeded to stick his nose into Sasuke's plate and snatching the last of the Uchiha's bacon took off like a greased bat out of hell.
In years to come Sasuke would not be proud of the level of murderous intent that seared through him at that moment.
Naruto- completely oblivious to the tension between his boyfriend and his dog- blinked and shrugged. "I guess he changed his mind."
Sasuke calmly got up and walked into the living room where he found the large creature lounging on the couch watching 'Charlie's Angels', bacon and remote firmly tucked underneath a large hairy paw. Sasuke crouched in front of the dog, ignoring Kyuubi's annoyed growl when Sasuke blocked his view of the strip dancing women, and stared the animal dead in the eyes.
"I don't know what you are. I don't know what your purpose is and I don't know exactly which level of Hell you come from, but I do know this. You have officially fucked with an Uchiha and that, my friend, is the worst mistake you have ever made in your life."
Kyuubi levered himself up and released a hot puff of air in an incredulous snort. Sasuke stared back.
"I am dead serious. Like it or not, I like that blond moron in there and I am here to stay for a very, very long time. If you don't like it, you can leave, because I promise you if you make him choose, Naruto will choose me."
Orange eyes narrowed at the challenge.
"Yes," Sasuke replied blithely "I not only think so, I know so. So you can either behave and I leave you with your major organs intact or piss me off and wake up in the middle of the Sahara desert, understand me?"
Sasuke got a pissed, challenging growl in response that clearly told the Uchiha that Kyuubi wouldn't be playing ball. "So that's how it's going to be huh." The Uchiha asked flatly. "Very well. This is an official declaration of war you mangy beast. I suggest you watch you hairy behind because the second you let your guard down I will be there with sharp, pointy, pain inflicting implements."
Sasuke turned and walked off. He was gonna get that dog before that dog got him.
The battle lines had been long drawn, ammunition chosen and the war had begun.
Kyuubi, the bastard, had made the opening move and Sasuke had been fit to kill when he'd come in and found his triple layer, double fudge, caramel and almond Treacle Delight on the floor, smashed to infinitesimal pieces and under a hostile siege by an army of sugar ants.
The young Uchiha- not called a genius for nothing- had bided his time, seething in flaming rage and seizing his opportunity he quite blithely removed the flea repellent from Kyuubi's bath water one Saturday and spent the next five days in fiendish delight while he watched the giant fox-dog near skin himself with his own claws while trying to rid himself of the myriad of blood sucking little blighters that Sasuke may or may not have bought specifically from a Pest Store. Apparently those things were sold as natural predators for some type of aphid.
The young Uchiha had been ecstatic when Naruto had had to lock Kyuubi in the garage for fear of the bugs spreading to other surfaces on the house. Oh that one had been entertaining, and Sasuke had been enjoying himself immensely in having finally proven that the evolved human brain could outwit any animals right up until the next morning when he'd gone into the garage to gather his laundry and found every- single- fucking- pair of boxers he owned ripped to shreds and then slept on by the monster that dared to call itself a pet.
Like the fates had been conspiring against him Sasuke, who had already been late for a board meeting with Itachi, hadn't had time to swing by his own apartment and grab a pair of underpants so he'd been forced to suffer through the five hour meeting with his slacks riding up his arse and pinching his balls into painful submission. It was his own fault really since Naruto had offered a pair of boxers in apology but Sasuke would rather run through Tokyo naked than wear one of Naruto's signature, three sizes too big, neon orange and frog patterned shorts. Honestly, where the hell did Naruto find these disgusting clothes in such great quantity?
Kyuubi had been allowed back into the house after Naruto had given him a good rub down and picking over and the unmitigated bastard hadn't even had the grace to wait for Sasuke to complete his next move in the battle- a brilliantly convoluted scheme incorporating Swiss cheese, Hawaiian fire ants and a barbed clothesline- when the furred not-fox had had decided that not only were Sasuke work notes- and the leather briefcase they were encased in- a fitting chew toy but also that the young Uchiha's five hundred dollar Prada loafer look remarkably like his litter box.
For the record when one has a psychotic, demon possessed dog hating their very guts it is always advisable to check your shoes before ramming them on and running to your third Board meeting of the week where you then have to spend the next hour pretending not to notice anything when everyone else is wondering what the fuck that smell was.
It is also advisable to note that bleach, formaldehyde and battery acids are not appropriate foot cleaning chemicals. It seems they have a tendency to burn the skin...right off your fucking toe bones.
So chafe, limping and sore the young Uchiha trotted home to Naruto near tears praying for a good round of pampering sex, hot coffee and the soothing beat of his cake mixer as he performed the ancient therapeutic ritual of cheese cake making.
No such luck.
He'd barley made it through the door while fending off the neighbour's complaints about Kyuubi messing around with something or other on her property only to find that Naruto wasn't home, but oh he managed to get the coffee alright- right down the front of his pants where his already chafed balls decided to permanently recede into his lungs after the scalding liquid had overturned on them courtesy of the incarnation of Hades parading itself as a dog.
As Sasuke sat in the tub letting the soothing water try to convince his jewels about the merits of re-descending the bone weary Uchiha had just managed to look up when he heard a soft thump and found himself with a face full of wet soggy fur and extended inch long claws. Kyuubi had apparently decided that his quarry was weak and defenceless and chosen that time to launch a kamikaze attack on the unsuspecting raven.
Sasuke released a scream of unadulterated hate and wrapped his fingers around the thick neck and was torn between forcing Kyuubi's head into the tiled shower wall and keeping those dangerous claws from certain areas he was very fond of while the large furry dog was thrashing, splashing bathwater everywhere and trying his level best to have 'the invader' singing soprano for the rest of his life. Sasuke flung a leg over Kyuubi's back, forced down the flailing front paws and sinking his left hand into the thick red fur began yanking.
"You fucking sick, twisted, maniac, spawn of sat-"
"Sasuke? Baby, you in here?"
"….such a good dog, beautiful, loving, sweet, canine- oh hi Naruto!"
The blond leaned on the doorjamb and smiled sillily at seeing his boyfriend and best friend bathe together in sweet camaraderie.
"Awwww, you guys are connecting aren't you?"
'Sure." Sasuke thought acidly, "I'll be connecting my fist to his head in a minute, but sure, let's go with what you said.'
"Er...yeah Naruto, we're...erm," the mortal enemies shared a look "...bonding."
Kyuubi whined in agreement and gave a cute little wuffle with his nose while his hind claws tried futilely to sink into Sasuke femoral artery.
The Uchiha wrapped his arms around Kyuubi's neck and smiled at Naruto. "We'll be right out!"
The blond grinned goofily at them his big blue eyes lighting up like sapphire fireworks and Sasuke was reminded of why exactly he couldn't lose to the beast.
"Ok! See you when you get out!"
Both turned towards each other when the door clicked shut. Sasuke stared into Kyuubi's intelligent orange eyes and muttered. "We're lucky he's blond."
The soaked dog snorted in agreement.
"Shikamaru- why don't we have a proper phonebook in this whole goddamn building?" Sasuke snapped to his lazy- but very efficient- secretary.
The ponytailed man looked up from his nap on his desk and stared the pissed Uchiha straight in the eyes, confused. "What are you talking about? All those phonebooks are up to date."
Sasuke frowned at the book in his lap, "So why aren't there any exorcists listed?"
Shikamaru stared for a very, very long moment before deciding that it was probably best for his mental health if he didn't ask and slowly lowered his head back to the desk.
"....why is Kyuubi farting bubbles?"
"Who knows?" Sasuke muttered unconcerned, turning the page of his newspaper while under the table his foot nonchalantly nudged the empty organic Bubblebath bottle further away from Kyuubi's water bowl. "Maybe he got into the washing machine."
"Ugh, fuck Naru, harder! C'mon dobe! Fuck me like you mean it damnit!"
Sasuke pressed his sweaty forehead into the soiled bed sheets while his trembling form perched on hands and knees willingly took the pleasurable abuse from the tan body behind him. Naruto had his hands clamped around Sasuke's slender hips and was hauling the gasping brunet back into his solid, reaming thrusts.
Sasuke groaned, spread his legs further and raising himself up on one elbow began to desperately fist his dripping erection. Naruto had just pulled back, braced his foot on the floor behind the foot of the bed and just started delivering some back breaking slams into his pale boyfriend's body right there-ohgodfuckyesharder- on that magic little spot inside him and Sasuke's orgasm was choking off his lung's air supply. The littlest Uchiha- a born screamer- was wailing up a right storm and then, right then, just as his body began to lock up and his mind began to shut down and the orgasm was so close he could fucking taste it - came the most pitiful howling and retching noises from out in the hall.
Naruto's thrusts stopped.
Sasuke wanted to start howling himself. "Naruto wha-!"
"Aw come on Kyuu- not now!" The blond tossed over his shoulder.
Sasuke had been riding the very barest edge of his orgasm and now that those delicious thrusts had stopped the manic brunet began to even more desperately fist himself. Sasuke clamped down on his bottom lip when Naruto started to push slowly in again and the raven was experiencing the sparkly tingling at the edge of his vision and just as he thought he could salvage the most of his orgasm- the fucking howling kicked up tenfold followed by the most disgustingly wet vomiting sound either of them had ever had the displeasure of hearing.
Then came the pitiful whimpering and the scratching of nails on the door,
Naruto stopped again just as Sasuke had gotten back into the gist of orgasming.
"Oh for the love of fucking god Naruto!" Sasuke screeched as, desperately, he started to push himself back on the stationary organ inside him.
"NO GODDAMNIT! You will NOT leave me here like this!"
"S'uke," Naruto started apologetically as he started to pull out "I'm so sorry babe but Kyuu's ill-"
"And this can't wait till after I cum out of my freaking mind?"
Sasuke half glared and half sobbed. "What happened to duty! To morals! To chivalry! To PRIORITIES damnit!"
"Stop being such a drama queen baby, I'll be right back."
And with a kiss to his head Naruto trotted outside to clean up Kyuubi's mess and administer his medicine. Not surprisingly the demon spawn in red fur refused to swallow a drop of tonic for over forty three minutes. Sasuke knew this. He had been counting the seconds the whole time while staring in abject sorrow at his wilted erection and mourning the spec-fucking-tacular orgasm that could have been.
"God S'uke right there. Keep riding me just like that!"
The half dressed Uchiha- half dressed because he'd practically torn the clothes off Naruto and himself the second they'd gotten inside the house- threw back his head, gripped the couch chair and really set into servicing the rigid cock inside him in earnest when-
Sobbing the littlest Uchiha pulled up and off a pressed his face into the back of the chair trying desperately to muffle both his sounds of mourning and the murderous words tumbling out of his mouth.
"Nnngh...please Naru...please! Dobe please, this is torture!" Sasuke whispered harshly as Naruto clasped his hand tighter around Sasuke's erection and continued to slide softly into him from above.
Sasuke had been trying to keep it down since he'd-quite brilliantly-figured out that the animal of Hades in the house waited till he was screaming in ecstasy to start-
"Dobe right there, don't stop! Please don't-"
"Sasuke, this attic is dusty and your sinuses are-"
"Dobe just shut up and fuck m-"
"Sasuke...I don't know if you're aware... but fucking in trees is called 'public indecency' and we can get arrested."
"Christ Naruto, just fuck me before he finds us up he-"
"....Oooookaaay...Did someone die?" Shikamaru questioned drolly upon seeing Sasuke's disastrously dishevelled appearance come Friday morning.
"Not yet but believe me I am working on it." The gaunt looking, paler than normal Sasuke grimaced as he sat in his chair. "...Say Shikamaru you don't think they sell poisoned dog food, do you? It doesn't need to kill him per se but if he ended up in a coma I really wouldn't argue."
"....Pois-....Ok Uchiha, what the fuck? I've stuck by you and your psycho brother through a lot of shit. I helped out with the cover up story after the second floor burned down, I have baby-sat Itachi's killer piranhas while he was on holiday and I turned a blind fucking eye when I walked in on you doing that thing with the chilli sauce and the ball of yarn but this one just has me stumped. What the hell are you doing with poisoned dog food? That rather defeats the purpose doesn't it?"
Sasuke sighed and suddenly boneless sank into his sinfully comfortable office chair. Good God he was tired.
Shikamaru weighed his options. He'd never seen his boss so- so- human looking before and it unnerved him. It would probably unnerve the shit out of the board of directors too and the rising CEO needed to be on his best and most alert whenever he faced up to that group of vultures that still held the majority of shares in Sasuke's company.
"If... you want to talk about it...I... wouldn't be averse to listening."
Sasuke snorted. "And then have you shrink me to within an inch of my life? No thanks."
Shikamaru grunted. Troublesome. It figured his boss would remember his degree in Psychology. Still despite his reluctance to talk about the problem Sasuke ended up grunting it out anyway.
Sasuke's personal landline chose to ring at that moment and being lazy he decided to just speaker-phone the thing.
Sasuke immediately perked up. "Naruto." He grunted out trying to sound both busy and annoyed. "What?"
"Yeeesh. Talk about cold reception, bastard. I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to grab bite with me for lunch today."
"Nara," the young Uchiha asked lazily "Am I free?"
The pierced secretary replied in the affirmative and just before Sasuke disconnected the call addressed Naruto directly.
"Hey Uzumaki, speaking of a bite to eat, remember to drag Uchiha to the company Bar-b-Q tomorrow."
Sasuke shot up like a released rubber band. 'Shit!" He eyed his secretary. "Shikamaru-"
"No." Nara shot back firmly. "Itachi said you have to come to this one. If he's going to be there you have to be there too and since it's a family gathering type of occasion you have to bring a date."
"SWEET!" Naruto's yell blasted from the handset. "We'll be there. Oh and Shika-"
In one of those rare moments of clairvoyance Sasuke felt absolute dread.
"-are pets allowed?"
Calmly ignoring Sasuke frentic hand slashes across his throat Shikamaru replied "It's outdoors- sure. The more the merrier."
And Uchiha Sasuke witnessed his life die before his very eyes.
"So you see Hiashi-sama," Sasuke continued calmly pretending not to hear, see or feel what everybody was currently staring at. "The company's profits have increased by 27 percent this fiscal quarter and-"
Sasuke might as well have been talking from the moon as all five senior executives of Sharingan Ad. Corp. were staring at Sasuke's left leg which was currently the home of one merrily humping Kyuubi.
"We believe the profits may grow with the Tachibana account if-"
Kyuubi locked his front paws around Sasuke's waist and rutted shamelessly. For the coup-de-grace the beast threw back his head into a mocking howl and released a stream of urine.
And as Sasuke locked eyes with the maliciously grinning Itachi the young Uchiha silently prayed for death.
"-and that fucking animal just won't let me have sex in peace! What happened to a man's right to get sodomized whenever he wanted to be damnit!"
It seemed the young Ad exec had seen fit to finally show his face after his humiliation two days ago and barricaded in his office had finally deemed himself stressed enough to share some of his problems.
At the present Shikamaru refrained from pointing out that technically Sodomy was illegal.
"Well," The astute secretary noted "I'm not rightly sure what to make of all this but...Maybe you should give as good as you're getting. You know- tit for tat?"
Then slowly, so very slowly, Sasuke straightened until he sat ramrod straight in his chair, an unholy and fiendish light dancing in his eyes. "You know Nara, I always knew I kept you around for a reason."
Like a patient cobra prepared to wait for a small eternity before its prey scurried before it open maw- Sasuke laid his plot with flawless precision.
Fate- that fickle bitch- seemed to be on his side for once and the young black haired mogul would be damned before he let such serendipity slip through his fingers.
It just so happened that Kyuubi had a vet appointment coming up. After the unfortunate incidents with all the retching and howling Kyuubi had been scheduled a series of regular appointments. A discreet call to the vet and the rest had been almost disgustingly easy to put into place. All that had been required of him was some sultry words and a few smouldering looks aimed at the tittering airhead who lived next door to Naruto and who –more importantly- owned a prized bitch German Shepherd and the plan came flawlessly together.
The last stage came late that night while he was snuggled deep under the covers and into his lover's arms. The sweat and musk of hot, hedonistic sex still clung to them and Sasuke was throbbing in a few choice places of his anatomy but it was still the perfect time for the coup de grace.
"Naru-Naruto." He swallowed to clear his throat which was still scratchy and sore from the vigorous mouth fucking he'd endured earlier.
"Hmm?" The blond grunted in reply, his tan handsome face pressed into Sasuke's chest as he delivered post-coital attention to the Uchiha's sensitive nipples.
"Fuck dobe stop that!" The brunet hissed. "You know I can't think straight when you do that."
Naruto looked up and grinned cheekily- "That's... rather the point." Sasuke snorted involuntarily. The dobe had obviously been picking up a few of the Uchiha's mannerisms if he could pull that tone off correctly. Just as he was about to open his mouth to continue a flicker of muted light from the dimmed bathroom lamp flashed across Naruto's beautiful face and the young prodigy- while staring up into those deep pools of blue brimming with affection- suffered a brief flicker of doubt. Maybe he shouldn't do what he was about to. Maybe…maybe it would bring about some pain that he hadn't foreseen and thought he could deal with. Maybe- and then memories from all those ruined orgasms and intimate moments when Sasuke had been sure that Naruto would admit to feeling something maybe just a bit more than affection surfaced and Sasuke steeled himself.
The fucking bastard of a dog had it coming anyway.
"You know Yamanaka- san next door?"
Naruto tilted his head in confusion. "The Flower Shop lady?"
"Yes. Erm, I didn't really want to tell you this since I thought I had handled the situation but- she called again and she sounds a bit adamant."
Naruto was really confused now. "Why'd she call in the first place?"
'Well," Sasuke mentally eviscerated what was left of the nagging voice in his head and continued 'she said that Kyuubi's been- well- sniffing around her German shepherd and that if he didn't stop she was going to call Animal Control since you shouldn't have domesticated a fox-breed anyway."
Naruto went pale and sat up, the sheets pooling around his waist. 'What does she want?"
Sasuke sat up beside him and rubbed the blonde's arm in mock sympathy. "Not much really. I managed to talk her down but…and well Kyuu is getting along in years and he really shouldn't be that active, so it's probably for the best-"
Naruto paled even further. "You don't mean –?"
Sasuke nodded grimly. "Yes."
Sasuke smugly ignored the suspicious glare Kyuubi was sending him as they exited off the highway and into the little centre where the vet's office was. Pulling up in front Inuzuka Pet Med, Sasuke turned off the humming Mustang and eyed both of the passengers.
Naruto sighed and slipped out of the passenger seat. Opening the rear door the blond sighed again. "Its just sad you know-"
Sasuke snapped his head over to Naruto and was about to hiss a warning to the blond to not give away their plans because the beast understood English when –
"He's gonna hafta get a shot and-"
- the idiot's mouth beat him to it.
Kyuubi sunk his claws into leather seat and refused to as much as budge. A shot? Oh fuck no! Kyuubi Uzumaki wasn't going aaaanywhere....
"Oh oh." Naruto supplied.
*25 mins later*
Sweaty, heaving and drained of his strength Naruto eyed Sasuke over the roof of the car and pulled a long face. "He's not budging S'uke- and I'm afraid these scratches will get infected."
Sasuke eyed the gouges, claw scratches, shallow bite marks and torn clothing decorating Naruto. Oh well. Trudging around to the boot of the car the raven hoisted out a kit.
"Desperate times dobe." He replied as he fingered the power screwdriver with a manic gleam in his eye. "I can always buy another car seat."
Now Hana Inuzuka had seen much in her day but the sight of a mauled Naruto and a pissed Uchiha dragging a disconnected car seat by the belts while Kyuubi sunk his claws in and struggled against the leash tied to the metal frame was not something she had expected to witness in her lifetime. Ever.
Ignoring the gaping stares the Uchiha righted himself and checked Kyuubi in. Still ignoring the stares he, Naruto and three of the Clinic's handlers managed to finally manhandle a desperate Kyuubi into the waiting room.
"Now Kyuu," Naruto tried reasonably, "this is for your own good and you know it."
The unconvinced animal glared back at him with betrayal and the clear question of the integrity of Naruto's sanity shining in his eyes. Kyuubi was hoisted unto the examining table grumpily wondering why it was necessary for him to get a shot if he was just getting his digestive tract examined.
Sasuke- apparently sensing the animals confusion leaned in just as Hana gave him the sedative.
"You know how it goes mate, tit for tat as the say."
As the shocked and confused Kyuubi drifted into sleep he heard Sasuke chuckle lowly,
"Or more applicable in this case," the brunet continued 'balls for balls."
"Oh come on Kyuu- talk to me. Please."
Sasuke raised his eyes from behind his newspaper and beheld the pitiful sight that was Naruto crouched on all fours pleading for forgiveness from his dog who was sitting imperiously on his haunches in Naruto's favourite chair. Kyuubi was surrounded by all his favourite foods, waited on hand and- er- paw and paw by Naruto 24/7 and had every slight whim catered to but he still hadn't forgiven the blond for his having woken up from his forced slumber one week ago to find himself... fixed.
Sasuke- for his part- couldn't give less of a damn.
That fucking dog had gotten what was coming to him as far as he was concerned.
It was the soft sob that got Sasuke's attention. Naruto had pulled away from his pet and Sasuke was shocked to his very core to see the liquid crystal glistening at the corners of Naruto's eyes. The blond sighed "Whatever I did Kyuu- please know that it was only what I thought was best."
The half naked man softly padded out of the room leaving the mortal enemies to glare at each other. 'Stupid fucking animal,' Sasuke thought to himself.
The glare intensified as both warring factions glared death at each other.
The Uchiha broke away with an annoyed snort and trekked after Naruto to find the normally rambunctious blond stretched across the bed staring listlessly at the wall. Naruto was pale. Depressed pale and the smudges under his eyes enhanced the lifeless slate blue of his eyes. He hadn't been eating properly either and deep inside himself Sasuke felt a twinge of guilt that the direct results of his actions had caused such a drastic change in his lover.
'I've had him since I was 15 S'uke." Came the soft voice. The Uchiha silently padded over to the bed and sat down to hear the rest of the story. Naruto settled his tired head in Sasuke's lap and the paler man began to stroke the listless blond locks.
"I'd just run away from some foster home or other again and got lost. It had been days S'uke and I was starving but too proud to go back to the house full of assholes who ridiculed me for everything I was."
The littlest Uchiha winched. Oh how Sasuke knew that feeling.
Naruto's eyes were gazing off into the fine distance of memories. 'I remember sitting under this really old Goshinbuku and I curled up in this nest of roots. I was half out of my mind with hunger, I was cold and it was raining," Naruto paused, his expression sorrowful. "I remember feeling like I truly didn't matter in the world. That I was as useless as everyone said I was. It was dark and I was alone in the middle of nowhere and I felt- I felt like utter shit S'uke. And out of nowhere- freaking nowhere- I remembered this story Iruka-sensei had told me at the orphanage.
He'd told the story of this great ninja lord who's been left by jealous siblings to die in a desert. Just as the guy was about to die of dehydration a sand racoon slipped out from under some rocks and water poured out from behind the shifted stone. The racoon and the ninja made a deal and the animal became the ninja's spirit guide. Beings that were bound to one human specifically and always loved and cared for their human unconditionally.....I can't tell you how much I wanted a spirit guide S'uke."
Naruto shifted and looked up into the Uchiha's dark eyes. "I even wished it aloud too. Next morning when I woke up- still under the Goshinbuku, I found this half starved fox breed staring me in the face. Now I know what you're going to say and that's what I thought at first. No way right? He had probably just escaped from the preserve. But-" Naruto swallowed, his voice was so soft and shaky Sasuke's heart ached. "I swear S'uke when I remember all the shit times when Kyuu's been the only one that was there for me, provided company and friendship and was a living blanket more than once- I'd swear Kyuu's my guide and it hurts to have him hate me like this. I only tried what's best. Didn't I?"
Uchiha Sasuke had never felt like such a complete asshole in his entire life.
Naruto shifted to look at him and with his back turned didn't see the quiet red gold figure sitting on its haunches in the doorway.
"'N Kyuu 'n I were just getting settled down and you came along. Christ babe you don't know half of the holes you filled in me; the ones that craved human love and contact. Kyuu's the best thing that ever happened to me- but you're the best thing that's ever happened to us both."
Sasuke's chest constricted and the guilt was bearing down on him but still Naruto continued.
'I'm not as dumb as I look S'uke. I know you and Kyuu don't like each other and this might be hard for you to understand but- he's my oldest friend. Always has been. And I love you both- for different reasons sure- but still-you're both my precious people and I don't want to choose between you too."
Naruto yawned and his lids drooped. "It'll kill me Suke. Please don' make me have to choose."
Sasuke felt the blond go limp as he fell asleep but his dark eyes were riveted on the hooded, unreadable orangish red ones staring at the pair of them on the bed.
The mortal enemies gazed at each other.
Something- an understanding - passed between the two factions and for a tiny millennium the two beings on this whole earth most precious to Uzumaki Naruto made a silent agreement.
There was room enough in Naruto's heart for both of them.
Like squabbling children each had tried to push the other out but had only ended up destroying that which they had been fighting over in the first place.
The realization rankled.
Sasuke slipped carefully off the bed and followed Kyuubi who had turned and headed out to the living room. Standing in –ironically- the same position where he had echoed his threat to Kyuubi some weeks prior Uchiha Sasuke offered a truce.
"We don't like each other,"
Kyuubi rolled his eyes.
"but," Sasuke grated out through gritted teeth "I'm willing to- tactfully retreat- from this stalemate we're locked in. Naruto deserves better. And after hearing what you did for him I- might- think you're not as evil as you look."
Kyuubi eyeballed him for a tense minute before snorting in agreement.
"But," Sasuke glared, "If you so much as think of pulling one more fucking stunt like when you pissed in my cake batter only to have me find out after I'd baked the thing and had half of it down my throat- I know people who will turn you into my new car seat cover, am I understood?"
Kyuubi snickered but reached up and bumped his nose to Sasuke's in agreement- and for good measure- drew his wet slobbering tongue halfway up the Uchiha's face.
"Urgh! I take it back! You're still a disgusting, vile, evil, spawn of-"
Ino Yamanaka grumbled and rooted under her pillow for her mobile. The obnoxious ring tone alerted her to the caller and grinning she flipped open the tiny device.
'How goes it Naruto?"
The voice on the other end of the line chuckled lowly. "Perfectly. They just made up. It was so sweet too. You know, I never did thank you properly for putting that suggestion into Sasuke's head. Lord knows it wouldn't help his Uchiha pride if he didn't think he'd thought up the idea."
Ino shifted unto her back in the darkness and replayed the brilliant plan Naruto had approached her with just days after Sasuke had moved in with Naruto.
"I'm getting sick of seeing them fight."He'd said. "So here's what were gonna do. Approach him and complain that Kyuu's been sniffing around Sakura and –"
"Poor retards," Ino mused, "And the funny part is they both think they're the best manipulators in the house. Heh. Well done blondie- you're not half as stupid as you look. Now if only they'd realize that."
Naruto grunted in agreement. "We'll talk soon yeah?" Ino continued, "I want to hear what happens when they find out how you played them."
Naruto snorted "Pssh. Please Ino! Give me some credit." Ino heard some shuffling and the sound of a door click. "They're never going to find ou-"
And then- very faintly- she heard the poisonous hiss of Uchiha Sasuke's 'serial killer' voice, "You were saying Uzumaki?" accompanied by the low growl of a pissed off fox breed.
"Hoooo shit." Ino whispered, "Call me if you make it out alive blondie."
The last thing she heard before Naruto's line went creepily dead was a Naruto's voice faint and terrified whispering:
"You're going kill me and sell my what to science?"
A/N; My god, this took a while to finish. My dear Wawuchen I hope you're happy XD.
Soooooooooooooooo, I absolutely cannot believe I wrote this much crack in one story. Wow. On the upside it was Sasuke's turn to have a life lesson. Interesting how thos snippets of plot keep sneaking in when I sit down and tell myself I'm going to write nothing but foolishness and then I end up having to have a point to my work..damn plot.
And before anyone ever thinks about it, I already decided that I absolutely have to do a second version of this fic from Kyuubi's point of view...certain parts should be interesting *evil smirk*
I was reading a Harry Potter fic the other day and I had an epiphany. In the fic Harry and Draco were drunk and making out in the back of a cab when Harry says 'Draco we have to stop' and Malfoy goes 'Why?" and then the bleeding female cab driver pitches in out of freaking nowhere 'Yeah why?" and then the thought occurred to me....we fangirls are everywhere- like a spreading disease. You never know where one of us is going to pop out of the woodwork...like literally. I'm pretty damn sure that if Harry and Draco or Naruto and Sasuke were real and one day they decided to knock down their house walls for redecoration or something you'd find fangirls hiding in the dry wall. Like termites ...voyeuristic termites.
Harry/Draco: I swear Mr. Contactor, lately every time we have sex there have been these very weird Darth Vader breathing noises and thumps coming from behind the walls.
Contractor: Well where is it worse?
Harry/Draco: Well it happens in the Kitchen and hallways sometimes but the worst are the bathroom and the bedroom. Especially the bedroom.
Contractor: Uh huh. I had a Japanese couple with the same problem just yesterday. *walks over to the wall and uses hammer to chip away large section of wall*
*dust clears and there situated between the electrical wiring are wide eyed women staring psychotically at the bed*
Contractor: Uh huh. You've got the fangirls alright.
Harry/Draco: Well how do we get rid of them?
Contractor: You can't. They have amazing regenerative powers, can go for long periods without food or water or sleep and are immune to most forms of poison. Just try and pretend they're not there. Either that or stop having sex, that's the only thing that makes them wither away.
Harry/Draco: ........We'll stick to pretending thank you.
Contractor: That's what Naruto and Sasuke said too.
XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD
Proud Member of the Yaoi Rebellion; we are now swaying the world leaders to our cause.