A/N: Just a little bit of nonsense, based on an old list of obnoxious spells & hexes I ran across when cleaning off a hard drive. Harry/Draco is implied, but in general this is just a little bit of magical fluff for your enjoyment.
Disclaimer: if I owned it, would you be reading it here? I think not….
From The Quibbler
Dateline: Diagon Alley, London
Luna Lovegood, Reporting
The Quibbler is proud to announce that we have received an advance copy of the latest edition of Horace Hardscrabble's time-honored work Handy Handbook of Horribly Humorous Hexes. This edition, the fourteenth, marks the 250th anniversary of the publication of the first edition, and for the first time has been published as a cooperative effort between a private firm and the Hardscrabble estate. Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, famous for their unique and innovative entertainment products, is reputed to be the driving force behind the re-release of Hardscrabble's classic opus.
It has been widely believed that the thirteenth edition, published in 1926, would be the final update to the original work, due to the opposition of the original author's family to the work itself. However, with the passing of Harcourt Hardscrabble some ten years ago, management of the Hardscrabble estate passed to Mr. Henry Hardscrabble, the great grand-nephew of Horace Hardscrabble. Mr. Henry, who graduated from the Poppins Institute in 1983, is well known in London's wizarding circles as a jovial, happy man who (so it is said) embodies all of the best characteristics of his famous relative. Our sources here at the Quibbler have informed us that it was actually Mr. Henry himself who approached WWW with the possibility of putting out an updated version of the original Handbook.
Those readers who are familiar with the Handbook will be pleased to note that the original format of the first edition has been restored. Once again, the book presents the material in chapters based on the general similarity of spell effects, ranked by casting difficulty. This marks a radical change from the previous three editions, which abandoned the original format for a strictly alphabetical listing of the incantations involved. To increase the ease of use of the new Handbook, the editors have thoughtfully provided extensive cross-referencing as well as an exhaustive index, which makes finding a particular spell much easier than in previous versions. Also new in this edition is a chapter on the creative combat uses of the Accio spell, which the Quibbler's reviewers have been told was edited (anonymously) by no other than Harry and Draco Malfoy-Potter. Quibbler readers will recall that the Malfoy-Potters are well acquainted with the publishing world due to their widely-acclaimed Dark Arts Defense for Dummies, as well as their account of the Voldemort war Shades of Gray: Hate and Love between the Dark and the Light, both published by Lightning Books (a subsidiary of Quibbler Press, Inc.).
On a related note, the Ministry of Magic continues to refuse to either confirm or deny that a number of Death Eaters in the final battle against Voldemort were dispatched by the Accio Thalamus spell. However, this is only one variation of the spell which is extensively discussed in this latest edition of the Handbook.
New to this edition will be the addition of a magically morphing dust jacket, which will change to imitate any of a number of inoffensive covers when the cover is touched by the owner's wand while a pre-selected code phrase is uttered. Here at the Quibbler, our pre-release copy has been set to mimic 1001 Household Charms when the phrase 'Crumpled-Horn Snorkack' is uttered.
This dust jacket, reportedly the creation of WWW, will hopefully mitigate the negative effects on sales of the anticipated banning of the book by every school of magic in Europe (except Durmstrang, where it is expected to replace the previous edition on the required reading list for 5th year students).
The Quibbler has been given permission by the publishers to give our readers a special sneak preview of a selection of the spells to be found in this new edition of a classic work. The list below gives the incantation, as well as a brief description of the effect of the spell. The reader is cautioned against attempting to cast any of these spells, however, without first reading the complete entry in the Handbook.
From the chapter A Belly Full of Belly Laughs:
Wingardium Haemorridia: causes moderately painful anal varicosities to appear, then attempt to fly from their position around the anus towards the ceiling.
Petrificus Anii: causes a local body bind-like effect, centered on the person's anal sphincter. Initially causes only minimal discomfort, but is difficult to dispel and requires between 48 and 72 hours to naturally dissipate
Evacuatis Totalus: causes a series of repetitive peristaltic spasms of the large bowel, resulting in the forcible expulsion of both flatus and bowel contents. A version of this charm is frequently used by Healers and Medi-Witches.
Borborygmiosus: causes loud rumbling sounds to emanate from the vicinity of the target's stomach. Not painful, but potentially very embarrassing.
Flatusempra: causes the target to pass flatus which is both terribly loud and horribly odoriferous, this charm generally lasts between one and two hours. NOTE: this spell was allegedly developed by a coven of witches from eastern England sometime between 950 and 1000 A.D. in response to a series of Viking raids on the island. It was used, with only moderate success, in an attempt to make the English witches less attractive to the Viking invaders. Its success as a deterrent to capture and rapine was limited by the fact that many Vikings were completely unfazed by charm's effect on the witches.
Emesis Projectorium: developed at roughly the same time as Flatusempra, this spell—which causes projectile vomiting of the target—was much more successful than Flatusempra in discouraging Viking invaders from attempting to have their way with the witches who cast it on themselves.
From the chapter Bigger, Better, Bouncier, More:
Engorgio Proboscius: another 'anti-Viking' spell, this causes the marked elongation and deformation of the target's nose, making them (in theory) markedly unattractive. It has been theorized that this spell may be one of the origins of the commonly-held muggle view of the 'typical' witch as having a large, deformed and warty nose.
Engorgio Cavernosius: causing a persistent, somewhat larger than normal erection in males, this charm was reportedly developed by Viking wizards at roughly the same time as English witches were developing the Flatusempra and Emesis Projectorium. Some have suggested that it may have accelerated the development of these other spells. Other authorities, however, have speculated that the dissemination of this spell actually decreased the overall use of Flatusempra and Emesis Projectorium. It is a documented fact that the spell was quickly adopted by English wizards, and then rapidly spread across Europe and the rest of the globe. This edition of the Handbook has an extensive section concerning the 'proper' use of this spell, as well as a discussion of the absolute need to dispel it within four hours of casting.
From the chapter Tweaks, Twists and Touches:
Aquia Digitum Pina Oscilas: the infamous 'Wet Willie' hex, this hex simulates the sensation of a moist finger being placed in the target's ear and swirled vigorously. This charm is reportedly effective even on those who possess a natural resistance to the Rictumsempra hex.
Aureola Rotatis: produces the sensation of vigorous manual rotation and stimulation of the target's nipples, with the degree of sensation being directly related to the amount of concentration which the caster applies to the charm. Note: the more difficult version of this charm, Aureola Contrarotatis, is differentiated from the basic charm in that the basic charm provides the rotational sensation only in one direction, while Contrarotatis provides this sensation in opposing directions.
The new edition of Hardscrabble's Handy Handbook of Horribly Humorous Hexes is expected to be available at fine booksellers, as well as any branch of WWW, in plenty of time for this year's holiday season.
A/N: Think about this: how much fun (or how awful) would it be to go to a school filled with a bunch of partially-trained, hormonally-challenged magical teenagers? Poppy Pomphrey has got to be the hardest working person at that place! Oh, and Toki Mirage needs our encouragement to write more of his most excellent work Bloody Skies, so please send him a nudge (and good reviews), would you? The Poppins Institute was inspired by Meteoricshipyards' Luna's Hubby.
There may be more excerpts from The Quibbler in the future, depending on (a) the reviews I get and (b) what I find on my hard drive. We'll see….