Chapter 1- Are you Santa's Brother?


"Jaclyn! What is this green stuff in the bag?" My mother yelled up the stairs. I cringed, she had found my stash, but I was positive she had no idea what it was

"Uhh…it's just incense mom…" I yelled back. "Just leave it on the stairs, I'll get it later."

I didn't hear a response as I continued to iron my too curly hair, a long and sometimes painful process. It'd be nice to have a handheld iron to make my hair straight instead of using my mom's clothes iron. My cousin Fiona, who's also my best friend, is blessed with straight hair.

After finishing my hair, I noticed a funny smell. It smelled an awful lot like…

"Oh SHIT…" I yelled as I realized what the smell was and ran down the stairs to find my mother lying on the floor. She was staring at the ceiling fan with a shit-eating grin.

"Mom?" I asked as I cautiously approached her.

"Oh that incense of yours is nice!" she slurred happily. I could feel the high starting to come on so I held my shirt over my nose and looked around to find the source of the smell. I spotted an empty plastic bag lying on the mantel over the fireplace. A fire was blazing. I shook my head and sighed.

My mother had poured a whole bag of marijuana into the fireplace.

Now the aroma was spreading through our house and probably the whole neighborhood. I needed to get out of here. I was the designated driver tonight. Fiona had told me earlier that she was getting stoned with some weirdass named Jackson who played the guitar and sang songs about bananas.

Not my type obviously.

I was excited to drive the new Mustang my parents got me for my birthday. 1965, brand new , leather, and a convertible. I knew my dad would definitely take it away if he found out that I was the reason my mother was stoned on the living room rug. If I'm not around, he'll assume it was my brother and punish him accordingly.

Works every time.

I ran to the kitchen, grabbed the bucket used for mopping and ran back to the fireplace, dousing the flames with the dirty water. I replaced the bucket and shut the doors to the fireplace to cover up the evidence. The house still smelled like grass so I lit scented candles everywhere and ran to my room to get my stuff for the night.

Once I got outside I inhaled the early autumn air. It smelled like…

"Damnit!" I grumbled to myself. The whole block smelled like the shed behind the school.

I put the top down in my car, which I had named Geoffrey on my last "trip", and I was on my way to pick up Fiona. She lived just down the road and was sitting on the curb with her stuff when I arrived at her house.

"Why do you already smell like you've been smoking?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"My mother may or may not have thrown my whole stash into the fireplace, and the neighborhood may or may not smell like marijuana…" I said in a rush.

"WHAT?!" she screeched.

"I found mom on the floor in the living room talking about how fascinating ceiling fans are."

"Best story ever." She said, nodding her head.

"Sooo, you're going to hang with Jackson tonight?"

"Yeah, he has the hookup. I'll share." She said with a grin.

"I'm driving tonight." I said, reluctantly. It had been a long week at school and I just wanted to relax.

"Jay said we could chill at his place."

"You have a nickname for him now?" I asked incredulously.

"Don't make fun of me! He calls me Fee so I figured it'd be cool!"

"Yeah, it's totally far out." I mumbled sarcastically. People and their stupid love lives bored me.

"Whatever. At least one of us is getting some tonight." She said.

"Whatever." I grumbled.

I pulled into the driveway of "Jay's" tiny house. He had a garden where he grew marijuana in the back as well as a broken down Chevy we used as seating during parties. He was a high school dropout stoner, but he was hot and liked to chill so we hung with his crowd on the weekends. He also, always had the best weed in town and I got a discount for being related to his potential girlfriend, Fiona.

He appeared on the front porch and greeted us with a bottle of beer each and a cigarette. The good stuff was for later. He grabbed Fiona and pretty much ate her face off in front of me, so I headed to the back, trying not to gag at the scene I had just witnessed. I smoked my cigarette in piece and watched the usual crowd walk, and stumble in. After about two hours of sipping on cheap beer and getting slightly high off second hand smoke, I spotted Fiona and Jackson heading into the backyard with the rest of us and I got up and headed toward them.

They were clearly both on something, I just didn't know what.

"Jaaaaccckiieee you have to try this stuff. It's great! All the lights are rainbows and your face is purpleeee." She slurred as she handed me a strip of paper she pulled out of her pocket.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea…" I said, staring at the tame looking piece of paper.

"Aww come onnnnn! Don't be a partyyyy poooooperrrrr!" she said loudly, drawing everyone's attention that weren't already in their own happy world.

"Fine." I said defiantly. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? We get kidnapped by Santa's creepy brother?

"Everything is so pretty." She sighed dreamily as she leaned further into Jackson's side. He was about to fall, so I grabbed her and hoisted her up.

"Give it to me." I said, not waiting, to put it right on my tongue. I walked us over to the swing and sat down heavily with Fiona. I didn't feel anything…at first. I started to swing.

"Fiona, this sucks. What the hell…WHOA." I said loudly or at least I think I did.

Everything was spinning, and all the people looked like… "EL CHUPECABRA!!! NOOOOO"

Everyone was closing in; they were trying to eat our ears! I had to get us out of there!

"FIONA! We have to GOOOO!"

"Why?" she said happily.



We ran out of the yard and into the driveway. No one followed us.

We headed to the end of the driveway where my car was parked and we were almost there when a man came up to us.

"Are youuu harboring el chupecabra?" I asked him. His face was a little fuzzy, but it was gorgeous.

"No, but you ladies should come get in my van to hide. I'll protect you." He said. I was convinced. Anything to keep the beast away. He lightly touched my arm.

"EEWW COLDDDD!" I screamed. He jerked his hand away and led is to an awesome van.

"Righteous VW van." Fiona said appreciatively. "Yeah. Coolio." I said in agreement.

He didn't respond as he opened the door to reveal an open space with a shag carpet and bean bags.

We got in and sat down and the man sat close to us. Too close, but he was protecting us from El Chupecabra so it didn't matter.

"Are you afraid of blood?" he asked suddenly.

"I am! I am!" Fiona said, raising her hand and waving it around excitedly. It looked like a windmill

I had been gazing at the strange man for some time and I noticed something weird about him. The edges around his face looked funny. Like a beard. Like a white beard. Like Santa's white beard.



"What? I don't even have a beard." He said, puzzled. He couldn't fool us though.

"YEESSSSSS YOU DOOOOO!" Fiona sang happily.

"No. No I don't."



"I'm not in any way related to some fake doughboy in a red suit." He said, his ornament eyes flashing.

"It's okay, we won't tell anyone." Fiona whispered.

"Don't call me that."


"Not another word."

"Ok, but if we're good, will you put in a word with THE BIG MAN PLEASEEE!"

"ENOUGH!" he screamed.


"OKAY THAT'S IT! So much for playing with my food." He grumbled before he threw Fiona backwards on the cushion.



"I'M NOT SANTA'S FUCKING BROTHER!" he roared as he held her down.

"MY EYES! MY EYES! MY VIRGIN EYES!!!" I screamed, as I covered my eyes.

"SHUT UP! You're ruining my dinner." He said as he put his lips to Fiona's neck. My high was quickly wearing off and the scene was bothering me a little. Something was off. Fiona's was wearing off as well.

"Your eyes aren't ornaments anymore." She said saidly.

"WHERE IS YOUR BEARD?! YOU PHONY!!!!" I screamed in anger.


"Well there's no need for anger. Peace is always the answer maaann." Fiona chanted solemnly from the floor.

"I can't even enjoy you now, and I've got to have some payment for the last half hour of my very long life." He growled, with a contemplative look on his face.

"You can give us some food. I'm STARVING!" I said a little too loudly.

"No. I'm going to change you into a vampire." He said seriously.

"HAHA vampires aren't real silly." Fiona said, patting him on the head.

"And Santa is?" he asked with a sneer.

"Well yeah." I answered, insulted by his mocking tone about Santa. Not acceptable. No one gets to dis Santa in front of me.

"Well maybe you two will be more intelligent once you've entered your new lifestyle." He said with a rather evil grin as he flashed his sharp looking teeth.

"You should do toothpaste commercials." Fiona said dreamily from the corner.

"Oh, would you just SHUT THE HELL UP! I'm trying to concentrate." He yelled at us once again.

"Oh well if you have a problem they have this stuff you take right before and it helps for older dudes…" I started but was cut off by a vicious growl.

"You're next." He said quietly as I watched him bite into my best friend's neck.

"CANNIBAL!!!!" I screamed in terror as I tried to jump out of the van to find help.

"Oh no you don't." he said calmly, and he yanked me to him by the arm and got in my face, blood dripping from his chin.

"Are you wearing a Hawaiian shirt?" I asked distracted by the bright red shirt with white flowers.

"mmmm" he hummed as he sniffed my neck.

"LET ME GO!" I screamed, startled out of my dazed state.

"No." he said quietly and I felt a sharp pain in my neck. The last thing I remember was Fiona's hysterical screaming and the man's ruby red eyes. Everything went black and a fire started within me.

The next thing I knew, I woke up in a shack, a different looking Fiona staring at me. It turns out we were turned into vampires.

And Santa isn't fucking real.

alright, so that was chapter one!

this entire chapter was written by MARY! so all props go to her!!

we own NOTHING! aaaaaaand as you can see, it is rated M for a reason -language and drug ref. so if you're not good with that, this isn't for you... sorry.

we can dedicate the story to our cars, our personalities and fiona and jaclyn