Missing scene from "A Tiger Hunt in Paris, part one"
Once they were on the road, Hogan and LeBeau tried to settle themselves comfortably in the luggage carrier on top of the staff car.
"Might as well try and get some rest, LeBeau. It's gonna be long drive."
Hogan tried unsuccessfully to stretch out his legs. He glanced over at LeBeau, whose frame was clearly more suited to this mode of transportation. The two men both groaned as the car hit a pothole.
LeBeau whispered something in Hogan's ear.
Hogan sighed."Didn't you go before we left?"
"Oui. But the bumps!"
LeBeau crossed his legs.
"Are we there yet?"
"No, LeBeau. And you asked me that 15 minutes ago."
"Sorry. I'm bored."
"Well, why don't you teach me some French phrases?"
"Good idea. Let's see." LeBeau thought for a moment. "Actually, there's only one thing you need to know. Répétez après moi."
"Just repeat what I say."
"Oh, Okay, go ahead."
Hogan repeated the sentence.
"Good. Now, Colonel. If the answer is yes, you can carry on the conversation in English. If the answer is non, well then you have me as a translator."
"Works for me," Hogan said.
"If you don't mind me asking, Sir. How come you didn't learn French in school? It is the language of love, romance, business, and of course, ballet."
"Well, LeBeau. There's a good reason. In seventh grade, when I was about 12, we had to choose between French and German. Now, there was Mr. Dubois. Let's see. He was, maybe, 50. Balding, beady eyes, little on the chubby side. Carried a ruler that he wasn't afraid to use if you screwed up those stupid verbs. On the other hand, there was Miss Frankel."
"The German teacher. Right out of teacher's college." Hogan closed his eyes. He could still see her, standing there, with the sweater… He made an hourglass figure with his hands.
"Oh. I understand. And she was nice, Colonel?"
"In more ways than one, LeBeau. No contest."
"Schultz. Are we there yet?" The Kommandant was getting anxious and a bit over-excited.
"No, Kommandant." You asked me fifteen minutes ago. The man was as bad as my children, Schultz thought. "But we are getting close to the border."
"Lucky for us we didn't run into any checkpoints."
"Yes, Kommandant." Lucky for me we didn't run into any checkpoints. That's all the sergeant needed. A luggage search.
"Colonel, are we there yet?"
"LeBeau, you ask me that one more time and you'll be a private when we get back!"
"Look," Hogan said, realizing he was being a bit harsh. "I know you're anxious. I'd feel the same way."
"If my mother ever finds out I was in town and I didn't stop for dinner…and not introducing you to the family…"
"After the war, LeBeau. If we make it. I promise. You can introduce me to your family."
"Don't mention it." Hogan shifted and then held out his hand. "Feel it? We're slowing down."
"Possibly. Start praying."
"Papers?" The bored border guard stared at Klink through the rolled down window, while Schultz trembled in the front.
The Kommandant handed over both sets.
The guard looked them over, then handed them back.
"Business or pleasure?"
"Furlough," Klink said proudly. "You see, I'm the Kommandant at Stalag 13. We've never had a successful escape, but it's a rough…"
The guard wasn't interested. "Any agricultural products?"
Klink sunk down in the seat. "No."
Please don't ask about the luggage. Please don't ask about the luggage. Schultz kept repeating this to himself, in hopes that telepathically, he would persuade the guard to ignore the top of the staff car.
"You won't look at the luggage," Hogan whispered softly.
"I don't need to look at the luggage," the guard said for some unknown reason.
"We're free to go," Hogan whispered again.
"You're free to go. Enjoy your trip." The guard waved the staff car through.
LeBeau, astonished, stared at his commander. "How did you do that?"
"It's a gift."
"Drive on, Schultz. You know, it's amazing how much respect you get when you tell them you're a Kommandant."
Sure. "Yes, Kommandant."
A while later….
"Kommandant, look! It's the Eiffel Tower!"
Klink peered out the window. "You're right, Schultz. It is the Eiffel Tower!"
"We're almost there!"Schultz exclaimed. "It looks so close!"
"Won't be long now," Klink agreed. "Maybe a few kilometers!"
A while later…
"I thought you said, Kommandant, we only had a few kilometers. The tower is not getting any bigger!"
"I don't understand it. It looked so close!" Klink peered out the window again. "It still looks close. Hmmm?"
"It is an optical illusion, Kommandant."
"Well, Schultz, it is tall!"
"LeBeau, judging how long it's been since we crossed the border, do you have any idea where we are?"
"Well, Colonel. Not far. They've probably spotted the Eiffel Tower."
"Look at the really long wide street."
"I think you're supposed to turn here, Schultz." Klink was attempting to read a map, which had unfortunately taken over the back seat.
The sergeant entered the street, which seemed to stretch on for quite a distance. It was slow going, as he had to avoid the pedestrians, the sandbags, the tanks and the guns. But, as they drove, Klink, who had been reading the map upside down, realized they were heading in the wrong direction.
"Schuuultz! Turn around. We're supposed to go the other way on the Champs Elysée."
"I can't make a U-turn. Isn't this a pretty street?"
"Very well, then. Go to the end and turn around."
Both Hogan and LeBeau had fallen asleep. Hogan, who had been dreaming about Miss Frankel, a sweater and a ruler, was rudely jolted out his slumber, when he found himself flung sideways, almost crushing LeBeau.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
The car swerved again. This time LeBeau rolled into Hogan.
"What the hell? LeBeau, where are we?"
"Judging from the motion of the car, Sir, and the fact that I am about to throw up, I believe they are lost and are trapped in the traffic circle surrounding the Arc de Triomph."
"Don't you dare throw up. That's an order!"
"I'll try not to," LeBeau replied, "but I do have a tendency to get car sick."
"Schultz! You dummkopf! Get us out of here!"
"I'm trying. But no one will let me in."
The staff car was trapped amongst motorcycles, staff cars, jeeps, and an odd assortment of vehicles that had managed to get hold of gasoline. Klink tried to signal by sticking his arm out the window, which only enraged the other drivers and solicited a cacophony of horns, bells and whistles. Suddenly, Schultz saw an opening. He turned the wheel sharply to the right and somehow managed to get out of the circle and onto a side street.
Despite the fact that they were men, Klink and Schultz decided to ask for directions. They were soon sent on their way and pulled up outside Klink's hotel.
The two battered and bruised stowaways quickly realized that they were at their final destination.
"Please be careful when removing your luggage from the overhead compartments, as the contents may have shifted during the flight," Hogan quipped. "Hang on. Wait for Klink to go into the hotel."
"Shifted during the flight." LeBeau chuckled as they worked the kinks out of their limbs and poked their heads out the front.
"Ready?" Hogan asked.
"Ready," LeBeau replied. "Let's hope this end of the mission goes better than the drive."
"Remember, LeBeau. We have to do this again on the way back," Hogan reminded him.
"I'll try and put that out of my mind for now, Sir. After you."
"Thanks," Hogan said as they hopped down and greeted the sergeant.
Let the adventure begin. LeBeau was now excited and anxious to get moving.
If HQ finds out I did this, and I get killed, we'll never hear the end of it. Hogan was thinking.
Oh, boy. Did I get out the wrong side of bed this morning, was Schultz's last thought as he watched the staff car drive away.
Author's note: German probably would not have been offered during the time Hogan was in middle school, due to the war and the anti-German feelings present in the states.
I actually experienced a crazy drive through Paris back in 1982, including a whirlwind trip around the circle! Thought we were going to die and didn't care! What an experience.