Author's Note: Thanks again to Kavi and Sienna for this TV Prompt Challenge. It's been a hoot! Please read & review. As ever, I don't own Criminal Minds.
Punch Drunk Love
Prompt: The Andy Griffith Show - "The Case of the Punch in the Nose"
"You broke my nose," he stated, his voice nasal even to his own ears.
"How many times have I warned you not to sneak up on me," JJ sighed.
"You broke my nose," he repeated, gingerly touching the bandage covering the bridge of his nose. "And I have two black eyes," he added balefully.
Glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, JJ winced. Damn, her husband looked rough. "I've told you to never sneak up on me," she blustered.
"But you broke my nose," he whined, following her off the elevator and into the BAU's break room.
"I'm sorry!" she shouted, "But I repeat, you WERE warned. Grabbing a woman from behind when she doesn't expect you home for another three days is NOT a good idea! Hopefully, you learned your lesson!"
"I was trying to surprise you," he blustered.
"Mission accomplished. You should be grateful I didn't reach for my gun," she countered evenly.
"Holy crap! What happened to you?" Morgan asked, eyes wide as he walked into the break room.
"She did!" Dave yelped pointing to JJ calmly pouring two mugs of coffee.
"You realize domestic violence is a punishable offense, correct, Agent Jareau?" Hotch asked easily from the doorway.
"He had it coming," JJ snorted.
"A common response from abusers," Reid said thoughtfully, following Hotch into the room. "According to the Department of Justice, one in three domestic abusers are women."
"I do NOT abuse my husband," JJ stressed.
"Yeah, I've got the broken nose and two black eyes and SHE'S figured out yet another way to make it all my fault," Dave snorted, wincing at the pain radiating through his nose. "Damn, this hurts!" he groaned.
"Take it like a man, Rossi!" JJ snapped.
As Garcia and Emily joined the group in the kitchen, Penelope's eyes widened as she spotted Rossi's face. "Get in a brawl there, SuperAgent?"
"Yeah, with his wife," Morgan snickered. "Wuss!"
"Do I even want to ask?" Emily laughed, eying Rossi.
"By all means, ASK!" JJ ordered.
"JJ, tell us, why did you decide to break your husband's face?" Garcia giggled.
"Because our esteemed very special agent, here, decided to pull a Norman Bates last night after being gone for two days and sneak up behind me in the shower. He wasn't even supposed to be home for three more days!"
"Again, Bella, I thought it would be a nice surprise!"
"No, Rossi! Not a nice surprise. Especially when one assumes they are alone in their house at midnight standing in the shower when a naked body presses up behind you! Not a good surprise. Like I told you, you're lucky I didn't have my gun! I'd be having this discussion with your lifeless corpse then! You got off lucky. Your nose only met my elbow."
"This is lucky," Reid choked, looking at Rossi's face.
"In comparison with a bullet hole in his head, I'd say so," Hotch murmured.
Breaking into laughter, Emily wiped at her running eyes.
"What's so funny Prentiss?" Dave growled.
"Nothing….it's just that I can't get image of you writhing at the bottom of the tub out of my head."
"You should have seen it first hand," JJ giggled.
"Some days, I'm so glad I married you, Bella," Dave growled under his breath.