A/N Yes, it's me again! Several of you requested the interview and have issues seeing it on Twilighted, so I brought it here for you. Sorry it's not a real chapter but it's long enough to be! This was conducted right after Edward's date with Angela, prior to his hunt and returning home to Bella. I hope you enjoy getting to know a bit more about our crazy vamp. He answers several questions that I know some of you have wondered about. Should you still have more, feel free to send them in comments or a PM and I'll run them by him soon.
Interview With The Vampire
Smugward throws himself into a chair and glares at me. "Why the fuck am I here? Don't you realize that you're interrupting some quality time with my girl?"
"I highly doubt it's the kind of quality time you've been angling for since she woke up. Surely you can spare a little time for your readers." He gives a world weary sigh in reaction to my words. "They're all women, you know."
He smirks and straightens up in the recliner. "Well why didn't you say so? What do my ladies want to know?"
"How old were you and when were you turned?"
"Boring…where are the good questions?"
"Fine! I was turned in 1923, born in 1901, so I look 22 but I'm actually 109, well almost 109. My birthday's in June."
"How old were you when you lost your virginity?"
He greets this question with a panty dropping smile. "That's more like it! Who asked that question?"
"Starla, she's a bit of a perv."
"I like her already."
"Just answer the question, Edward."
"I was 14 and I banged one of my mother's friends. She taught me quite a bit."
"You lost the V card to a cougar? Was she married?"
He chuckles sardonically. "Yeah, I believe she was, so?"
"So, don't you think there's something wrong with that?"
"Sure, on her part. I was just a fumbling teenager, what the fuck did I know? I was a horny kid and she was hot and of course she wanted me. What more is there?"
"You're incorrigible, you know that?"
"Yes, but you like me that way. So do they; even if they do bitch about me kissing a girl when I was just trying to be a nice guy."
"You're still pissed about that?"
He glares at me. "Of course I am! I was trying do the right thing and I get yelled at for it? And that's by the lovely women who seemed to be so fond of me. I don't even want to think about Bella's reaction."
"Yeah, I just bet you don't."
"Can we get on with it? She's waiting and probably getting sulky that it's taking me so long. She's pretty irritated about being confined to the house all day. Of course, if she'd just embrace her new life she could leave with me but no. Contrary women, all of you!"
"Alright, no need to rant. Starla also wants to know if you like the vampire shows Bella's made you watch?"
"Are you shitting me? Have you seen what Hollywood does to us vampires? I haven't watched any of the other shows yet although Bella has brought it up a time or two. I'm holding firm on this though, I'm not watching anymore of that racist propaganda!" He shakes his head emphatically.
"Alright, calm down! You mentioned in the last chapter that you were going to try feeding Bella her packaged blood soon. Will you be willing to at least try the alternative diet?"
"Why the fuck should I? I don't have any issues with killing people and the people I kill all deserve it, with the exception of Bella. But her death was a gift on my part, even though she still refuses to see it that way. She can drink her boring microwave blood, I'll take mine straight from the source." He chuckles. "I consider it gourmet dining."
"Would you buy Bella an island?"
He snorts. "Please…what do you think that girl would do if I bought her an island? She would accuse me of just looking for a way to get her to fuck me and then she'd probably beat on me for awhile. I have no idea where this sudden penchant for beating the shit out of me came from but that shit needs to stop. I pick my battles and I'd rather buy her something that benefits me…like her stupid vampire shows or some books or something. She likes simple shit…I don't get it."
"Well if you won't buy Bella an island, how about Starla?"
"Tell Starla that I'll buy her an island the day that she figures out a way to get Bella to stop cockblocking me. Or you, since you're the one writing the shit and leaving me with blue balls for hours on end."
"Hey…don't blame me."
"Why the hell not?" He crosses his arms and glares at me, muttering something about cockblocking writers.
"Because I created you and I brought Bella into your life. I could kill you or send her away…"
"Not funny, Amy."
"I thought it was."
"Of course you did. You laugh at your own words all the time."
"I know, it's ridiculous. But I tend to think they're your words, they just filter through me. Your voice can't really be in my head…if it is I need therapy."
"I'll foot the bill and send you into co-counseling with Bella and Angela. You all have issues."
"But you're just perfect right?"
He raises an eyebrow at me and smirks. "Sorry I asked; that was a dumb question."
"Moving on…you had a lot of interest in what Bella's dream date was, what is yours?"
He frowns and leans back in his chair. "I never really did the date thing until that night with Angela and I can't say I've given it a hell of a lot of thought. I suppose, though, that while I was waiting for Bella to wake up, I often fantasized of the two of us going out to a crowded bar. Every guy in the place would be admiring my girl but she would only have eyes for me. I'd listen to their thoughts and pick out the two most depraved and set her loose. Watch her lure them away to a dark alley. I'd give her a few minutes to tease them and then join her. She'd take one, I'd take the other. We'd drain them side by side, our eyes locked. The instant we let them go, we'd attack each other. I'd fuck her right there against the wall next to our victims."
"That's pretty gross, Edward."
He rolls his eyes. "Gross to a human, yes, but to a vampire, it's all kinds of hot. The thought of watching her hunt…fuck, I'm getting hard again. Why do you insist on getting me all worked up and then leaving me hanging?"
"I'd be happy to relieve you…"
"With Bella?" he interrupts impatiently.
"Well no, not yet."
He lets out a low growl and gives me a look and I decide not finish my offer. Apparently nobody but Bella will suffice. "Are you worried about Alice being sure that Bella is alive?"
"Fuck no. I took care of that shit and there's no way that girl is going to find her. It's fine that she thinks Bella's alive, the cops do too. They thinks he's with that douchebag Jacob in the Caribbean or some damn thing."
"Will you ever let Bella see her father again?"
He sighs and tugs on his hair. "Look, I want to give her whatever she wants and that's probably at the top of her fucking list since she has skewed priorities. But the truth of the matter is, she can't see him for at least 6 months or a year, until her bloodlust is under control. If she killed him, she'd never forgive me and I can't have that. I don't know that she'll be able to ever physically see him again. She's changed too much and he's a cop and the last thing I need is the police on my ass for anything. Maybe she can call him…after she's been away for awhile and when she's completely wrapped up in me and I don't have to worry about her leaving."
"You're pretty damn smitten, aren't you?"
"Shut the fuck up and ask me more questions. I want to get back to my girl."
"Will you ever go to high school or college and try to live a normal life?"
"Uh, why would I do that? I didn't like school when I was a human, why go now? I can learn anything I want on my own."
"What about Bella? She likes school."
He sighs. "If she really wanted to go school, someday, then I'd probably go with her. I'm not leaving her alone with all those horny motherfuckers."
"You're really scared of losing her."
He scowls at me. "I'm not scared of anything."
He stands. "I'm leaving."
"Sit back down or I'll cockblock you for 10 more chapters."
He sits but the scowl remains. "You'll probably do that anyway."
"You may be right, but I'll feel bad about it."
"You love me."
"I don't love anyone."
"Yes you do."
"Shut the fuck up! I don't l…you know, Bella."
"Did I say her name? I was referring to yourself. God knows you love yourself. You're the one who leapt to Bella. That tells me something."
"I'll tell you something if you don't get a fucking move on."
"You're pretty hot when you're pissed off."
"I'm pretty hot all the time." He gives me that half grin and I'm forced to admit that is quite true.
"How old is Bella?"
"21 going on 53. She's so fucking serious and moody all the time. She needs to loosen up and act her age."
"Do you ever worry about what would happen if Victoria were to see/meet Bella?"
"Why the fuck would she do that? I haven't seen that crazy bitch in decades." He glances around the room suspiciously. "You're not going to bring her around are you?"
"Who, me? Why would I do something like that?"
"To fuck with me, because you clearly get off on it."
"At least one of us is getting off."
"I fucking hate you."
"Keep it up, 20 chapters." He kicks the coffee table into the wall. "Destroying the furniture is not going to get you laid any sooner."
"Compromising with your girl."
"Compromise my ass. She wants me to change who I am."
"You want her to change who she is. Can't you find some middle ground?"
"With her? Probably not, but I'm sure as fuck going to have fun trying."
"Do you think Bella has some kind of gift, like your mind reading?"
He looks thoughtful for a minute. "Well, I've accused her of being a witch on several occasions. Let's face it; she has to have some kind of ability if she's able to resist me. What that is, I can't say. I can't hear her, which sucks a lot of the time, let me tell you. Couldn't you have even given me that much?"
"Perhaps you should kill me then."
"I just might, after you write me a steamy sex scene."
"All the more incentive not to."
He growls ferociously. "Alright, let's move on! Oh crap, I really don't want to ask you this."
"It's gonna piss you off."
"I'm already pissed off because you're an evil, cockblocking bitch. How much worse could you be?"
"Alright then, have you ever been with a man?"
"What the fuck? Who asked that?"
"She's going on my future killing list along with you and Rose and that guy that hurt Bella whose name she refuses to give me."
"That's not very nice; she's quite fond of you."
"Yet she wants to know if I've fucked a guy?"
"Don't ask me, there are a lot of ladies that are into the guy on guy thing in this fandom."
"Well they can look elsewhere. I don't do men. I don't mind them imagining fucking me because hey…look at me, but I don't let them touch Edward Junior."
"Do you plan on flirting with more nurses in order to get Bella blood if she likes the packaged stuff?"
"Absolutely not. Look, Angela was a nice girl but she was a special case. If Bella takes to this blood bank shit, I'll just break in and get it for her. I'm not going on anymore dates unless they're with my girl."
"Have you ever thought about trying animal blood?"
"Why would I? You mean to eat? Like what, a rat? Fuck no. I eat humans. That is all, forever. Don't you be trying to change me like Bella is. You will all lose and you don't get the benefit of losing that she gets, namely fucking me. Sorry!" He says all this with an impish grin.
"Why did you even have cologne? Isn't your natural scent amazing enough?"
"Everything about me is amazing enough. It is just one of the many human masks I can and do slip into when I'm going to be around people. If I smell like everyone else, I must be a fucking normal guy. Well, as normal as someone that looks like me could ever be considered. Excellent question!" He nods with approval.
"Do vampires brush their teeth?"
"Do we have to? No, but again, it's all part of the pretense. If I smell minty fresh, that continues the perception that I'm a human. Not gonna lie, it tastes pretty gross and I only do it when I feel it's truly necessary."
"Have you learned your lesson about keeping your phone on when you're making out with Bella? It's one less cockblock!"
He huffs and crosses his arms. "Like it really fucking matters? You know that you'll just find another way to cockblock me." He points at me accusingly. "I think your whole purpose for writing this fic is torture me. What the fuck have I ever done to you?"
"I don't want to torture you! I just want to let everyone experience you and the fact is; you're the most fun when you're not getting any and you're all obsessed about it."
"You are now on the top of my kill list."
Fear flits across his face. "I'll be good! You're off the list."
"Good, take Starla off too; she's just curious about you."
He throws up his hands. "Fine! Anybody else? Perhaps I should just knit them all sweaters instead of taking their lives." He mutters something about being neutered but I'm ignoring him.
"Is human blood less satisfying now that you've tasted Bella's blood?
He tilts his head and thinks about this. "Yes and no. I mean, I don't think any blood will ever taste as good as hers did, unless I take someone pure again. And that would really piss Bella off, so obviously I can't do it for the next century or so. I'll bring her around to my side eventually, on the whole killing scum thing, but I don't think I could justify another innocent. The blood I do take, though…it's still good. Like, I'd compare it to eating a steak. It's always good, but once in your life maybe you get to go to that fancy steakhouse that's rated tops in the country. That's the best and you appreciate it but you don't swear off all other steak just because it isn't as good as the once in a lifetime steak. Bella's my once in a lifetime steak." He glares at me. "Don't you fucking tell her I compared her to a steak either. She'd have my ass, and not in the good way."
"She won't hear it from me! Do you have any mementos from your human life?"
"Like shit I kept all the way from the early 1900's? Fuck…let's see. I have my grandfather's cane. That's not exactly a happy memento but I keep it to remind me of the one time in my life when I was powerless. Never again." His voice is rather frightening right now. "I have some tickets from the 1919 World Series, the whole Black Sox scandal. Carlisle and I were there. Baseball was the only thing we had in common."
"You sound pretty bitter when you talk about your family."
"Then don't make me fucking talk about them. You know I hate that shit and it doesn't matter."
"Bella would beg to differ."
"She thinks family is as important to everyone as they are to her. She's wrong," he announced flatly. "Are we almost done?
"We're getting closer. How long after leaving Victoria did you learn to control your vampire strength and start sleeping with humans?"
He smirks. "Another sex question. Starla I presume?" I nod and he chuckles. "She totally wants me. She has good taste. I learned to control my strength within about 8 months of my change. My mind reading and my desire to be the fuck away from that crazy bitch Victoria helped. As to the first time I fucked a human? 8 months after my change. The first thing I did after I got away from Victoria was find a girl. I wanted to fuck someone without worrying they were going to take a bite out of me or rip off an appendage. Victoria was into some kinky shit."
"And you don't enjoy kinky shit?"
"Of course I do, but not at the expense of my body. What if she broke me irreparably? What if she managed to scar me?" A look of horror washed across his face.
"Yes, God forbid you not look perfect."
"Have you met Tanya?"
"I haven't had the pleasure. Is she your sister?"
"Uh, no. I don't have a sister."
"That doesn't surprise me. You're too into the male mind. You probably don't get girls."
"And you do? Why do you keep fucking up with Bella then?"
"Because you made her insane, that's why!" He's standing and getting ready to leave again. I raise my own eyebrow and he growls but sits back down.
"Alright, we won't delve much more into your psyche."
"But I would counter that you're the one that makes her insane." The growl got louder and I held up a hand in peace.
"How many women have you slept with? Starla asked and then took it back but clearly it's on her mind."
"Pervy. I like her. The answer would probably disturb her, so I will refrain from pinning it down. But keep in mind; I've been alive for over a century. Clearly, the number would sound bad but when you add up days alive, really it's minimal."
"Are you concerned with Bella's newborn strength and the fact that she could totally kick your ass for whatever it is you're about to go do?"
His eyes twinkle. "No. Bella's a gentle soul, despite her penchant for hitting and kicking me lately. She won't take it too far and honestly she doesn't really know she's stronger than me at this point. I sure as fuck am not going to tell her."
"What are you planning that will piss her off?"
He chuckled. "That's for me to know and you to find out. If you ever stop interviewing me and sit down and write the chapter, then they'll know."
"This is so much fun though! I like playing with you!"
"I know you do, but I belong to another." He gives me the panty dropping smile for good measure.
"Do you believe in marriage and soul mates?"
An indecipherable look comes over his face. "Uh…I don't like that question."
"Because it makes me uncomfortable."
"You know why."
"I may know why but they don't."
"I don't want to answer."
"The sooner you answer, the sooner you can go home to Bella."
"Ugh. Alright!" He buries his hands in his hair and looks like he's about to start ripping it out. "I didn't believe in either but now I'm not so sure." He's looking down instead of at me.
"Because of Bella."
"Yes! Fuck! I don't know. I mean, there's something more there than I've ever felt before but who the fuck knows if it's soul mates? Maybe she's just the coolest chick I've ever met and that's that. Why do we have to put a fucking label on it?"
"We don't. What about marriage?"
"Marriage is for humans."
"So you don't want to marry Bella?"
"Yes! NO! Fuck, I don't know. Marriage is for humans."
"That's your story…"
"And I'm sticking to it. Next question!"
"Do you believe vampires mate for life?"
"Fuck, that's as bad as the last question! What the hell?" He's positively glowering now, his handsome face pretty terrifying. The things I do for you people.
"Hey you're the one who keeps thinking of eternity with her. That sounds like mating for life to me."
"Labels! I refuse to be fucking labeled. We are what we are and we'll figure it out as we go. We don't need rings and labels to define us."
"That was a pretty astute response."
"I'm brilliant. You should know this about me by now."
"You do a lot of stupid things."
"I'm learning as I go. Besides, my stupid moves have brought Bella to me and she is mine and I'm hers. So I would say that I'm doing alright."
"Yes, you are." I attempt to placate him. "Have you met the Volturi?"
"No. Victoria told me about them and I've heard mumblings here and there but I haven't caught their attention and I intend to keep it that way. I stay the fuck off the radar."
"Would you consider doing a scene with Bella with you as her submissive?"
"Starla…you freaky chick. Can you kick Amy out and start writing this story?"
"That's not very nice, Edward. I made you and I can destroy you."
"You wouldn't, though. You like me too much."
"Most of the time I do. But if you're going to enlist other writers…"
"Yeah, yeah, play the sensitive card after you cockblock me for days on end. Let me cry you a river. Oops, I can't."
"Don't be a dick, Edward."
"I may as well be one since I can't use it."
"Fuck! Fine…the question, would I be a submissive in a scene with Bella? Hell to the yes, I'd be anything that made Bella get naked and hopefully fuck me. At the very least, she'd be touching and ordering me to touch her and that would be hot as fuck. Sign me up. I'll give you Amy's address and you can take her out and take me over."
"Starla won't make me wait 50 chapters. I'm on her side now."
"Well I wish you luck with that. What makes you think she could take me? Or that she'd want to."
"She wants me to get laid, she's told you that. She'll snap just like I'm going to with too many cockblocks."
"Hilariously, she wants you to ask me how many chapters until I take the cockblock off."
He rolls his eyes. "Like I should bother asking that, you keep raising it."
"Well I was mostly joking, though your attitude is making me consider making it so."
"You'll lose all your readers if you do that."
"You never know, some of them might enjoy me torturing you. Starla did bring up some S&M there."
"Why should I?"
"So we can get this interview done? We're actually near the end and this is about to be a chapter size. I could publish it as chapter 12."
"People would hate that. Keep it here."
"No, they actually asked for it."
"Fine…how many more chapters until you let me have my way with Bella?"
"Less than any that I've threatened above."
He perks up considerably. "Less than 10?"
"Very likely, unless you become wordy."
"I'll shut the fuck up then."
"Not yet, we have a few more questions."
"You're suddenly very agreeable."
"My cock is doing a dance of joy right now. I'm a happy man. Shoot."
"Besides playing a vigilante and having sex, what the hell have you been doing the past 90 years?
He shrugs. "Listening to and composing music. Learning languages. Running my business. I like baseball. Acquiring classic cars, fixing them up. Reading. Shit normal people do I guess. I'm a loner, naturally, but I find ways to occupy my time. I take the time to master all new technologies that come my way. I'm a whiz on the computer."
"I just bet you are." He grins playfully.
"Why do you enjoy pissing Bella off so much? I get that seeing her pissed off is a turn on, but it hasn't really worked to get into her pants. Will you ever change tactics?"
He steeples his fingers in thought. "First, never discount just how fucking hot Bella is when she's pissed off. And though I haven't gotten all the way into her pants, I have gotten her shirt and bra off and had one hell of a hot make out session. She's volatile and when I push her that passion comes to life and she expends it on me. Just like I want it. I suppose if it doesn't work, eventually I'll try something else. I did just spend two days talking to the girl, so it's not like I only piss her off."
"Have you always been so cocky? Even when you were human?"
He raises an eyebrow. "What you call cocky, I call confident. And yes, I have always been this way. I suppose I'm probably a bit worse now. When you combine invulnerability and mind reading with confidence it does tend to make one feel surer of himself."
"That's an understatement."
"Hey you wrote me this way."
"Why were you so nice to Angela? Was it really all for Bella or is there a softer side of you that you're not even aware of?
He shifts uncomfortably. "Angela is a nice girl and she deserves someone to treat her well. That fell to me, through Bella. Was it all for her? No…primarily it was but I did actually like Angela. She has one of those rare, kind minds. But if I'm being honest, I wouldn't have looked twice at her if it wasn't for needing to get blood for Bella. I don't know if that's having a softer side or not."
"You seem to be growing and changing some."
He scowls at me. "I don't need to grow or change. I just need to get Bella."
"It's going to take changing to make that happen."
"That's right, says me, the writer."
"I really fucking hate you."
"I know, but you'll love me someday."
"In less than ten chapters."
"Don't you fucking start that bullshit again."
"One last question."
"Thank fucking God."
"Does vampire jizz sparkle?"
"Starla! You have no boundaries do you? Fortunately for you, I like that. Yes, it does, only in the sun though. I haven't fucked out in the sun often, for obvious reasons, but I have done it a time or two with Victoria and another vampire. Are you anxious to see it? Pervert!"
"So that was the last question, at least for now. I may haul you back for another session."
"I'm sure you fucking will. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go do something and then get back to my girl." He stands and heads to the door.
"Thanks for stopping by, Edward."
"You're welcome. Tell Starla to think up some good sex questions for next time. That's clearly all that's on her mind. I like your readers, way better than you."
"Until less than ten chapters from now."