Fandangled Pureblood Theories

"And I've recently discovered that there's a potion that will let you bear Draco's child! Isn't this fantastic, Harry?" Narcissa squealed.

Harry blinked. "Well, fuck. Why do I have to pop out the kiddo? Why can't Draco do it? He's the one that wants to carry on the damned bloodline so badly. Let him have the unattractive baby bump."

Narcissa's laughter chimed around the room delicately. She patted Harry's hand, and replied, "Don't be silly, dear. Malfoys don't lower themselves to becoming bottoms, so naturally Draco can't have the child. It's not suited to his temperament, anyway. You'll make a wonderful mother."

Harry scowled, and tore his hand away. "Malfoys don't bottom, eh?" he snarled angrily. "So why was your son keening underneath me last night as I pounded him into the mattress, and then a chair, and then a wall? Try to explain that with your fandangled Pureblood theories."

"Don't bottom, my arseā€¦" he muttered.


Draco's eyes widened and he grabbed Harry frantically.

"Don't make me pregnant! I don't want to have a baby! As a matter of fact, I don't want you to have one, either. I've heard pregnant people are ugly and moody all the time. And they never want sex. So clearly, you can't be pregnant," Draco finished haughtily.

Harry grinned. "You horny ferret. I knew I could count on your need to have sex at least once a day to keep us from this ridiculous M-Preg scheme."

Draco sniffed daintily. "Of course I have to have sex constantly. Too much inbreeding leads to randy descendants. Anyway, we'll simply adopt. Or you'll use your infinite powers of persuasion to get one of your stupid friends to cough up a uterus. Do make sure the surrogate's a Pureblood though, won't you? I won't have any child of mine with atrocious Mudblood hair."

Harry was quite certain Luna would be only too happy to have their child. She had been anxious to get into both of their pants ever since a Nargle had apparently told her they were destined to have hot and steamy threesomes for the rest of their lives.

Apparently Nargles were good for something after all.

Besides smashing the dreams of every straight girl who wanted to date Harry Potter, that is.


A/N: The last line is, of course, a reference to Harry and Cho's infamous 360-degree kiss from OofP. Which I am convinced ruined Harry's chances as a heterosexual.

I wonder if you all are kind of getting the idea I dislike M-Preg? :]