A/N: It's been a while.
It was a nice, quiet, rainy day in Temple Terrace, Florida. Jay was at one of his Cataholics Anonymous meetings and Jericho was busy selling weed downtown, so Adam had nothing to do but sit back and relax.
But the second his eyes closed, the front door slammed open.
Adam just sighed and, pulling one of his fifteen pillows from behind his head, slowly tried to smother himself.
"ADAM, WHERE ARE YOU!?"
He could hear him breaking things, a destructive path on the way to his room. He just hoped that he was unconscious by the time Chris found him.
"ADAM—Oh, here you are!"
The pillow flew off, Chris climbing on top of him.
"EW, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING—"
"Okay, so Jay and I were dancing in the rain—"
"STOP STRADDLING ME!"
"And Jay scrubbed his hands into his hair like a fucking model or something and then I caught this bad boy in the reflection of the pool and realized that we weren't destined to be wrestlers."
"GET. OFF. OF. ME."
"We, my friend," Chris bounced up and down. "Were destined to be pornstars."
Adam finally stopped struggling, only to stare up at Chris incredulously. "Are you insane?"
"We're the perfect candidates! Sculpted bodies, killer voices, awesome hair..."
"Chris, the only person who isn't fat is Jay."
"You've got your shapely little hip dents," Chris cooed, running his fingers along the dent peeking above Adam's jeans.
"AH GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"
"Think about it! We'll make millions of dollars, we get to free our natural bodies of our constrictive clothing and we get to groan and scream as much as we want!"
"I'm not making a porno."
"Come on! You did a live sex show with Lita!"
"I was dating Lita, and she was a woman. I will not make a porno with you two."
"Cody's gonna be in it, too, ya know. And Ted's gonna be the sexy butler that has a huge—"
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
"What? You know he has a huge ass."
Adam covered his face. "Why are you still on me?"
Chris slapped his hands against Adam's chest, leaning down. "Okay, so I was thinking we could start off with one of those scenes where we just stand under a shower and rub soap and oil all over our naked bodies, and—"
"STOP RUBBING MY CHEST!"
"Oh, dear, got a little carried away." Chris fanned himself. "I'm flying Randy in. He said he'd do it in a heartbeat."
Chris grinned sheepishly. "Cuz I kinda promised him a scene with... MacKenzie."
"Jesus Christ, Chris—"
"So he's gonna be in it so you have to be!"
"You and Randy should do a scene with Mack, and we can call it Rated RKOrgasm!"
"KILL ME! KILL ME NOW!"
Chris pouted. "What's the matter?"
"WHAT'S THE MATTER?" He pushed Chris, sending him careening onto the floor. "You just put the nastiest image of me and Randy double teaming my fucking girlfriend!"
Chris blinked up at him, then slowly drifted off into another place, eyes glazing.
Adam kicked his shoulder. "DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!"
Chris shook his head clear. "Sorry. Where am I?"
"Get out of my house."
"Oh, yes! Shooting starts at six o'clock." Chris stood up, dusting off his pants. "I would say wear something nice, but it doesn't really matter, does it? It'll end up on the floor anyway—"
Adam promised himself he wouldn't go over to Chris's. But his rage got the best of him, and before he knew it, he was going into the backyard, where Chris was already standing loud and proud with a pencil thin mustache draw on his top lip.
Adam grimaced and knew he'd have to scratch his eyes out if he looked any lower. "Where's my girlfriend?"
Chris whipped around.
Adam shut his eyes tightly.
"OH! You made it!" Chris came over and hugged him. "Welcome. We're just starting the scene where Ted is serving tea to Sunny but when he uncovers the platter it's actually his—"
Adam covered his ears.
"—sticking through it." Chris nodded, whipping around again. "Where's Jay?"
A loud airhorn went off, and Jay somersaulted onto set, wearing his best birthday suit along with Jericho. He blinked at Adam. "I bought an airhorn."
Jericho nodded. "Good thinking."
"I'm going to faint," Adam said weakly.
Cody came up to them, fully clothed.
Well, in leopard shorts.
Adam just stared at him.
"Chris's idea," Cody said monotonously, turning to Chris. "Where's the baby oil?"
Chris said nothing, just shifted his lower body toward the house.
Adam felt puke hit the back of his throat.
"These tight pants make my ass look huge," Ted complained.
"You have a nice, supple rear end, Marvodore." Chris slapped it. "Perfect for spanking!"
"Marvodore?" Adam's hands were shaking. "I don't think I can be friends with you anymore—"
"Oh, that's his porn name. Theodore reminds me too much of the Cosby Show, and lord knows if anyone can get it up while thinking about Bill Cosby. ...Although his wife was pretty hot..."
Adam beat his fists against his forehead.
Chris nodded. "But Marvin was too gay, so I just merged the two."
"Marvin. Was too gay."
"Yes. We can't have any gay names in this porno!"
"You just spanked Ted. On the ass. But Marvin is a gay name."
Chris put his hands on his hips. "I don't like your tone."
"Good, maybe I should leave, then."
Randy walked by with an ax over his shoulder, firefighter helmet on his head. He smiled at Adam. "Your chick's looking pretty hot, Copeland."
"What'd you just say?"
"Hope you don't mind me..." Randy raised his eyebrows. "Spraying her with my fire hose later."
Chris whipped around again, practically slapping him. "What's wrong?"
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Adam gripped his hair tight enough to rip it out. "It's inevitable. Just give me my costume."
Chris clapped his hands. "Wonderful! Jay, go grab the sexy Lumberjack costume."
"Sexy lumberjack?" Adam fell back onto the ground, head between his knees. "What's Mack? My pancake cooking slave girl or something?"
"Oh, you're not with Mack."
Adam lifted his gaze. "What?"
"I decided that Randy should just be with Mack because he really... um... lights her fire."
Jay started humming behind him, swinging his hips in an Irish Jig.
Adam got on his knees, then paused. "What?"
"She and Randy have good chemistry, and good chemistry makes for a happy porno! So what you're going to do is—OW! WHAT THE FUCK!"
"I will rip your dick off if you don't put me in a scene with my own girlfriend."
"OW, ADAM! GENTLE! GENTLE!"
"I'm not joking. I will tear it off and shove it down your fucking throat."
Randy backed away. "This is getting a little too freaky for my taste. I'm out."
"Randy, wait—OW, STOP TUGGING!"
"PUT ME IN A SCENE WITH MACK OR I SWEAR TO GOD—"
"No, no, Adam!"
Adam and Chris turned to Kait, who was standing beside them with her arms crossed.
She motioned with her hands. "Bat it around. Like a ping pong ball."
"LIKE A CAT!" Jay screamed.
Kait let out a sigh. "Yes, Jay. Like a cat."
"Guys, do you know where Randy—" Mack stopped dead in her tracks, mouth agape, just blinking.
Adam looked up at her. "What?"
Mack pursed her lips. "You're doing it wrong."
Adam finally let his eyes settle on the scenario before him. It wasn't long before he fell back with a yelp, scrubbing his hands against the grass. "I didn't mean—It wasn't what it looked like!"
"Isn't that what Cody said about him and Ted in that bar?"
"Yeah, but that really wasn't what it looked like." Kait nodded at Chris. "Those two? They were always a little too close for comfort."
"I'M NOT GAY!"
Cody came up beside them, massaging oil on his chest. "Who's not gay?"
"Adam was giving Jericho a very painful—"
"NO, I WASN'T!"
Cody blinked. "Does that mean... you guys won't joke about me and Ted anymore?"
"YES!" Cody went over to Ted, smashing his face between his hands. "I'm so happy I could kiss you!"
Everyone blinked at him.
Cody put his hands down quickly. "But I won't. Because I'm not gay."
A/N: This seriously could've gone on forever. Review.