Did You Have a Sob Story Too, Sasuke?
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Kisame looked at the young boy glaring menacingly at his partner, blue energy crackling in his hands. "Who is he? He looks just like you."
"My younger brother," came Itachi's stoic answer, as if this wasn't huge.
Naruto looked wounded. "You never told me you had a brother!"
Sasuke, for his part, was so shocked that he immediately depowered the Chidori. "Yes I did!"
Naruto looked doubtful. "I think that's the kind of thing I'd remember."
"That's strange, because the way I heard, the whole Uchiha clan was wiped out ... by you," Kisame attempted to draw his partner's attention to this glaring inconsistency.
Itachi ignored him.
"I wasn't home," Sasuke said absently, still staring incredulously at Naruto. "And I'm sure 'killed his entire clan' sounded much better than 'killed everyone but a small child because he apparently couldn't be bothered.' You'd think, Naruto, but clearly not, since you don't remember!"
"Sorry, Sasuke," Naruto said sheepishly. "I just can't remember. You can't realistically expect me to remember things that happened so long ago, though…"
"We talked about it yesterday! And last week! And the week before that! And…" Sasuke trailed off. "We really do spend quite a bit of time talking about it."
"Way to obsess, Sasuke," Naruto said.
Sasuke looked annoyed. "Even though we're discussing my tragic back story every time I turn around, your memory's so bad you can't possibly complain!"
"Sure I can," Naruto said cheerfully. He narrowed his eyes. "And my memory's not that bad!"
"We had the exact same conversation the last four times I told you about Itachi," Sasuke said patiently.
Naruto looked blank. "Who's Itachi?"
"That would be me," Itachi introduced.
"And…you're his older brother?" Naruto asked, uncertain.
"That is correct," Itachi confirmed.
Naruto turned to Sasuke triumphantly. "See, my memory's not that bad."
"Yes, your stunning display of the ability to remember something you heard two minutes ago has convinced me," Sasuke said dryly.
"I suspect you're being sarcastic," Naruto said seriously.
"Whatever gave you that idea?" Sasuke asked innocently.
Naruto shrugged. "I don't know. Just a feeling…"
Sasuke shook his head in blatant disbelief. "You are SUCH an idiot…"
"I am not!" Naruto protested. "And since you remembered the conversation and I didn't, why on Earth did you say the exact same thing four separate times?"
"I wanted to see if I could perfectly recreate it," Sasuke confessed.
"You wouldn't have been able to if you weren't cheating…" Naruto muttered.
"Sasuke cheated by remembering a conversation?" Itachi asked, intrigued.
"No, he cheated by using the Sharingan," Naruto corrected.
"And…that is cheating?" Itachi repeated.
Sasuke groaned. "Oh, don't get him started, please…"
But it was too late. 'People train for years to create and perfect jutsu and then all you have to do is LOOK at it and you have it down perfectly! Totally cheating," Naruto accused.
"You sound jealous," Itachi noted.
Naruto laughed bitterly. "Please. If I had red eyes, I'd have been run out of town for being possessed. And that's if I was lucky."
"They don't think I'M possessed, so why would they think you were?" Sasuke asked, puzzled.
"What's this?" Kisame sounded amused. "You mean you haven't told him? That's a bit of a double standard since your upset he never mentioned his brother, don't you think?"
"I so mentioned it," Sasuke muttered. What, did he need proof?
"Shut up, you crazy half-fish!" Naruto snapped. "I'm fine with having a double standard here."
"I am NOT a half-fish!" Kisame declared, greatly offended.
"You have gills and you're blue," Naruto pointed out.
"I'm part shark!" Kisame insisted.
"Sharks are fish," Sasuke said simply.
'He's right, you know," Itachi piped up.
"Don't agree with me!" Sasuke ordered.
"Then don't be right," Itachi sniffed.
"Look, until we admit that we're friends, I'm not telling Sasuke anything," Naruto said frankly. He paused, then grinned. "Even if he did say he wanted to fight me."
Sasuke groaned again. "Oh God…"
"What?" Itachi asked.
"Coming from Sasuke that's like a marriage proposal," Naruto explained.
"…Did you accept?" Itachi sounded curious despite himself.
Naruto snorted. "Hell no! Sasuke can't date anyone until we all get older and more mature."
"Why not?" inquired Itachi. "I had a girlfriend when I was his age."
"And you killed her, so that's not a great example," Sasuke pointed out.
Itachi shrugged. "It was a messy break-up."
"To answer your question, Sasuke's fangirls would totally kill m-er, her."
"I've never had a problem with fangirl violence…neither did she, I think," Itachi remarked idly.
"The clan protected you two. Since you killed everyone and then cruelly abandoned me, I had to deal with it by myself!" Sasuke complained.
"Can we just fight now?" Kisame pleaded. "I want to mutilate someone! YOU got to fight earlier, why can't I?"
"Shut up, Kisame," Itachi said automatically. "The grown-ups are talking."
"I'm twelve years older than you!" Kisame cried.
"Maybe physically," Itachi allowed.
Naruto crossed his arms defiantly. "I'm not fighting anyone until Sasuke tells me why he's never mentioned having a brother."
"But I have!" Sasuke insisted. "I talk about it all the time!"
Naruto blithely ignored him. "Because it just kind of seems like you two have some issues…"
Itachi nodded. "Sasuke wants to kill me when he grows up," he said fondly.
"That's…" Naruto trailed off, searching for a tactful way to finish the sentence, "kind of messed up."
Itachi shrugged. "We're Uchiha; it's practically a sign of affection."
"It's not affection!" Sasuke spat. "I must have vengeance!"
"I know, I know…" Itachi soothed patronizingly.
"So…what happened?" Naruto asked curiously.
"You know, I mentioned what happened AGAIN just two minutes ago," Sasuke told him, astonished he even had to ask.
Naruto looked puzzled. "Really? I don't recall…"
"You have to remember. You can't really be this stupid and be allowed to walk around unassisted," Sasuke said, sounding as if he was trying to convince himself.
Naruto shrugged. "People hate me too much to willingly follow me around."
"Still though…I've told you enough times. I expect you to remember," Sasuke informed him imperiously.
"Um…okay. Were you the one who whose father was killed because your uncle killed someone who was trying to kidnap your cousin to steal her bloodline and the would-be kidnappers demanded compensation?" Naruto asked.
"No, that was Neji," Sasuke told him. "Guess again."
"Were you the one who no one knows anything about then or even their last name?" Naruto asked. "In fact, people care so little that they don't even know if you even have a last name or not?"
"No, that's Tenten," Sasuke said, a little surprised to ever be confused with her. "Try again."
"Were you the one whose chakra coils never developed fully so you can only use taijutsu?"
"Were you the one who is a genius but you're largely unacknowledged because you're too lazy to do anything unless someone forces you to and it would be even more troublesome to resist?" Naruto asked.
"Were you the one whose father was Hokage so you never got any attention and went off to go get a bounty on your head?"
Sasuke cocked his head. "I'm not sure…but I THINK you mean Asuma."
"Were you the one who was almost kidnapped when you were three and were so traumatized by that and by the fact that you're the heir to your family that you've become cripplingly shy?"
"That's just…Hinata," Sasuke said.
"Were you the one everyone avoids because bugs are kind of creepy and having hundreds of bugs inside of your body is really, really creepy?" Naruto asked.
"Are you the one who no one would talk to because of your tragically huge forehead that everyone always fixates on and who refuses to get bangs?"
"Oh please," Sasuke snapped. "Sakura does NOT have a sob story."
"I thought it was tragic," Naruto huffed.
"Yeah, well you would," Sasuke replied.
"Can't you just tell me?" Naruto whined.
"No, keep guessing," Sasuke ordered.
"Fine. Were you thrown out of your Village for attempting to overthrow the Kage?"
"…That would be Zabuza, Naruto. Do I LOOK like I got thrown out of Konoha?" Sasuke asked rhetorically.
"Well…no," Naruto admitted. "But you could have been exiled and then come back, like your brother apparently did."
"Point," Sasuke said. "But I haven't been."
"Did you suddenly find yourself alone in the world after your father killed your mother because it turns out the two of you had a bloodline and so you killed your father?" Naruto queried.
"No," Sasuke said, shaking his head. "That would be Haku. It does sound an awful lot like my story, though. I can't believe Haku managed to get revenge before me…The shame…"
"Were you the one who had a demon sealed inside you with a crappy seal, were isolated from everyone, and the only person who ever pretended to care about you tried to kill you?" Naruto asked.
"Gaara, Naruto, that was Gaara," Sasuke said. "Although part of that…"
"Okay," Naruto said, working with that. "Did you have the Kyuubi sealed inside of you and the Hokage announced it to everyone but forbid them from ever talking about it so everyone hated you and all the stupid people your own age assumed you deserved it because you played pranks?"
"No that's…" Sasuke trailed off. "Actually, I'm not quite sure who that is or if it's even true. I don't have a demon sealed inside of me, though. At least, not that I'm aware of. And no one really hates me, I don't think."
"Are you terrified that your already unstable brother is going to completely snap and kill you one day?" Naruto asked.
Sasuke considered that. "Yes, actually, but that's not exactly my sob story and I think you're thinking of Temari and Kankuro."
"You're probably right," Naruto agreed. "Did your previous mentor give you a curse hickey and cruelly abandon you?"
"I do have a curse hickey, but Orochimaru was never my mentor and I was cruelly abandoned, but that was by my brother," Sasuke explained. "I think that happened to Anko, though."
"The snake did what?" Itachi hissed, looking genuinely murderous for a change. "That's it, he is so dead. You feel up to removing a few unnecessary appendages when we're done here, Kisame?"
"I thought you'd never ask," Kisame grinned. He didn't really have anything against Orochimaru, per se, but Itachi almost never let him mutilate anything.
"Did everyone you ever cared about die so you practically live at the memorial?" Naruto asked.
"Yes to the first, Kakashi to the second," Sasuke responded.
"Were you forced to join a criminal organization because you lost a fight because someone cheated and trapped you in a genjutsu?" Naruto asked.
"Uh, no. I'm not sure who that could have happened to," Sasuke told him.
"That was Deidara," Itachi added helpfully.
"Okay, well then, I give up," Naruto said. "I can't think of any more sob stories."
"My brother drowned my favorite cousin and then massacred 318 of my relatives!" Sasuke exploded. "Is that really so hard to remember?"
Naruto shrugged. "I hear a lot of sob stories; they all tend to run together at some point. I think I remember yours, though…Your brother killed them because he was ordered to as they were planning a coup and he wanted to prevent a war, right? But he couldn't kill you because he loved you and you didn't know about the coup?"
No one noticed Itachi stiffen slightly.
Kisame laughed. "He couldn't kill his brother because he 'loved him'? I think if he could decide to kill his mother, father, best friend, girlfriend, and all of his other relatives, than his brother would be going down."
"No," Sasuke said frustrated. "You're getting me confused with someone else again! I can't think of who, though."
"I can't remember either, sorry," Naruto apologized.
"Kisame, we've wasted enough time here, let's go," Itachi ordered abruptly, eyeing Naruto warily.
"Alright, we'll just take the brat and-" Kisame began but was cut off.
"No, I can sense Jiraiya is returning. We're no match for him," Itachi insisted.
"Huh? But I thought you had created some new moves for the express purpose of taking him down," Kisame was, understandably, confused.
"They're not ready yet," Itachi lied. "Now come on. Orochimaru won't mutilate himself, you know. Well...not permanently, at any rate."
"Fine…" Kisame grumbled.
With that, the two Akatsuki members took their leave.
"…If anyone asks, that was a confrontation of epic proportions," Sasuke said finally.
"Agreed," Naruto said solemnly. "But seriously, who was that guy? He kind of looked like you…"
Note: Poor Orochimaru. :p Let Itachi catch you messing with Sasuke and you are going DOWN.