Mega drabble (I don't think there's any other way to describe it). I loved 5.04, even stoned Cas and I never thought I would say that! After last week with the brothel and this week with the orgies I don't think that the poor angel can take anymore.
Anyway, this one is very obviously Dean/Cas, a possible slant on Castiel's thoughts during the episode and then towards the end so it's angsty. Title is from the Meat Loaf song of the same name.
Disclaimer: I got a holiday for my birthday (yay) but nothing that states that this awesome show is mine, so I'll have to settle for borrowing it and giving it back.
It's All Coming Back To Me.
Castiel knows why he drinks, knows why he takes drugs, or at least what they can find, he knows why he holds orgies and is generally degenerate. The reason he does all these things and buries any remorse he may feel about it is currently planning something that is little more than a suicide run on the devil, and there is a reason that Castiel goes with him on all of those too.
This Dean, the man that the one he pulled from Hell became, is not the Dean that he rebelled for, is not the Dean that he... but perhaps it is best not to think on that, not to dwell on what they sacrificed so that he could lead humanity against the evil that overwhelms it and Castiel could try and deal with the loss of the host, the loss of the angels and the loss of himself.
He wishes that he had never changed, never given up hope, never given up...
This is why he gets high, these thoughts and regrets and the loss that eats at him every day. This is why he drinks, because Dean is never there and there is only the women and the orgies and he enjoys them, or pretends to enjoy them, or is too high not to enjoy them, and the alcohol and on the nights when he is not sitting and staring at the heavens there is only darkness and loneliness.
And then Dean came, the one from the past, the one who was bright and full of hope and belief and just Dean. The one who is everything that Castiel gave up, the one the other sacrificed so that he could try and save the world. This is the Dean that he sacrificed himself for and even though he has no qualms, no hesitations in doing exactly the same for his Dean, the Dean of now and not of then, it is for different reasons. Then he would have died for him, now he simply wishes to die so that, for him, all this will end.
He says that he likes past Dean, and he means it, can see in the way that the man from the past looks at him that he is from before, before everything that made his leaving Heaven bearable, and he has promised himself so many times that he would not think on that again.
He thinks on it, though, as he sips from his glass of whatever and hears the sounds of the camp getting ready to move, he is going to his death anyway, no possible way that any of them are going to walk out of this alive and he knows it as much as he knows his Dean knows it. So he lets himself dwell, lets himself think. He thinks of dark nights and soft touches, of names screamed into stillness and heavy breathing over the rumble of traffic. He thinks of the words "love" and "forever" and "mine" and all of them jumbled into one meaning.
He resigns himself to riding with his past and to seeing the face and soul, because he is not utterly without ability even if this is useless to most, and wishes that he could wipe the memories from mind so that when he dies he does not die with that man on his mind and that name on his lips.
When Dean, his Dean, comes to him before they leave, presses hard lips against his own one last time, Castiel knows that there is no way that he is coming back from this. He knows that Dean has already sacrificed him and all the others for this one last stand. This is their farewell, this is their goodbye.
When he dies, it is with the memory of kisses and pleasure and of Dean just as he was.