Ever wonder what it would've been like if Dr. Seuss wrote an adventure for Kirk and the crew? Well, here you go! This is my own Dr. Seuss/TOS parody, inspired by Dave Fuller's "If Dr. Seuss Wrote for Star Trek: The Next Generation." Check out my profile for the link! Enjoy!


Kirk: Warp factor seven, that's our speed
To get us where we need to be.
Scotty, do we have the power
To get us there in thirteen hours?

Scotty: Me bairns are up and running great!
I'll get you there in less than eight!

Kirk: Then make those engines good and hot.
And Sulu, give her all she's got!

Sulu: Aye sir! Ahead to Alpha One
Where shore leave waits for everyone!

Uhura: Sir, an incoming transmission…

Bones: Oh great, another dangerous mission.

Uhura: Starfleet says they need us now
At planet Delta Beta Tau.
The natives are in awful pain –

Spock: The Scarleks is the race's name.

Kirk: What kind of pain are they all in?
Are we the only ship AGAIN?

Bones: Why not? It's just a running joke
Like all the redshirts soon to croak.

Uhura: The race is sick with a disease…

Kirk: And here comes Starfleet's pretty-please.

Uhura: Our orders are to up and fly
Since we're the only ship close by.

Kirk: Why always us? Does no one think?

Bones: It ain't my fault if this script stinks.

Kirk: Sulu, ahead warp factor nine.
Let's hope that no one dies this time.

Bones: But Jim, it wouldn't be a show
If someone didn't die, you know.

Spock: Oh really, Doctor? Please explain
Your theory of the redshirts' pain.

Bones: Well, Spock, it's like a game of chess.
The redshirts are like pawns at best.
They're really just a quick distraction
So we can get the major action.
And I've counted at least twenty-five
Different ways that they've all died.
They've all been blown up, stabbed, and shot
And left on some strange world to rot.
They've all been frozen, vaporized,
And seen their lives flash 'fore their eyes.
They've had their bodies drained of blood
And eaten like a French-fried spud.
And some of them met certain death
By monsters with god-awful breath.
They're always killed right on a whim
And all I say is "He's dead, Jim."
So never wear a shirt of red
If you don't want to end up dead.

Spock: Well-spoken, Doctor.

Bones: Now you know
Why redshirts dying makes a show.

Sulu: We're here! We're here! We have arrived!
And it's not even half-past five.

Chekov: I vill prepare a security team
And down to the planet ve vill beam.

Bones: I'll prepare a hypospray
And maybe that'll save the day.

Kirk: Sulu, you now have the conn.

Sulu: I will protect the ship from harm.

Chekov: My team and I vill beam down first.
Ve are prepared to face the vorst.

Kirk: Spock and Bones, you're both with me,
For nothing can break our trinity.

***Commercial break, commercial break
How long will these dumb ads take?***

Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise, please come in!
Do you realize the trouble we're in?

Spock: Captain, since we are in a cave,
It is blocking communication waves.
We cannot reach them, nor they us…

Chekov: Hey you! Stop acting like a vuss!

Redshirt: Can't help it, sir! I've gotta cry!
\I just saw my two buddies die!

Kirk: I still don't understand. How could
The natives drink the redshirts' blood?

Bones: "Suffering from a disease," my ear!
There's a bunch of vampires here!

Kirk: How can we kill them and escape
Without suffering the redshirts' fate?

Spock: Doctor, do you have a plan
To exterminate this vampire clan?

Bones: I'm not a vampire specialist.
I'm just a doctor, get my gist?

Spock: I seem to recall an ancient myth
Stating you kill a vampire with
A wooden stake straight through the heart.
They will combust and fall apart.

Kirk: That would work, Spock, but look around.
There is no wood that's to be found.

Chekov: Vait a second! I know how
To get off Delta Beta Tau!

Redshirt: Where's he going?

Kirk: Don't know.

Bones: Beats me.
I hope he comes back in one piece.

Chekov: I'm back! I'm back! Ve're free to go!
The wampires are six feet below!

Kirk: How'd you do it? How'd you kick
The vampires' butts? Was it a trick?

Chekov: Wampires can't stand light and heat.
Vith my phaser gun, I had them beat.
A zip! right here and a zap! right there,
And wampire guts vere everyvhere.

Kirk: Thank you, Chekov! You've saved our lives!

Bones: And saved us from a mean blood drive.

Kirk: Now we can return to the ship at last.
Scotty, beam us up real fast!

Bones: I'm giving Starfleet holy hell!

Spock: And getting court-martialed as well.

Uhura: Will all your arguments ever end?

Kirk: No. That's how I know they're my best friends.

Sulu: Course heading, sir?

Kirk: Ahead warp four –
To go where none have gone before!


Whatcha think? I hope it made you laugh! The "commercial break" bit I actually adapted from the TNG parody, as well as Chekov's phaser fight (just a little bit). Please review and tell me what you think!