Author's notes: I finally got around to fixing the typos and other mistakes...

Disclaimer : This is a non-profit fanfiction. Gintama belongs to Sorachi Hideaki.

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Chapter 1 – Only Women Know How to Make You into a Woman

"KYAAA! It's Hijikata-han!"

"Hijikata-han! And he doesn't have any of those bums with him tonight!"

Hijikata clenched his jaw as group of cabaret girls grabbed him and dragged him further in the Snack Bar Smile. The girls were making his skin crawl with their inappropriate touches.

"Hijikata-san, it's good to see you again," the portier greeted, "Who would you like to have serve you?"

Don't talk to me like I'm a regular or something, Hijikata thought, "Is the Shimura-woman working tonight?"

It was surprising how quickly the other girls lost their interest, their charming smiles disappearing and their faces twisting with jealousy.

"Tsk! Damn Otae again."

"The gorilla-woman should just mate with gorillas."

"What was that?" Everyone turned to see Otae walking towards them, a small smile on her lips proclaiming the nearing of Armageddon.

"Ah! Kawaki-han! Long time no see!"

"Sir, would you like a refill?"

And thus Hijikata was left alone with the Amazoness. Otae snorted and spat towards the retreating girls, "Shit! Because of that gorilla-idiot of yours my reputation's been plummeting," she scratched her left breast and wiped her nose on her yukata sleeve.

I don't think Kondou-san is the only one to blame here.

"Anyway, what do you want? I hope it isn't to prevent another one of the gorilla's weddings."

"No. I need some help in a personal problem."

Otae stared at him long and hard, "We're not that kind of bar."

"Not that kind of personal problem!" Hijikata glared at the idiots staring at him, "Could we talk somewhere private?"

Otae lead him to one of the more secluded stalls and ordered some drinks. Dom Perignon, Hijikata noted, but decided to keep his mouth shut, just for tonight. Once the drinks arrived Otae gulped hers down in one go and belched. Then she crossed her legs and stared at Hijikata, waiting.

So you don't even try to act lady-like near me, Hijikata thought. Not that it mattered, he preferred people to be themselves. He gulped down his own drink, making a face at the sweet taste. Then he decided to start the not so embarrassing part of his story.

"Have you heard of the latest serial-killings in Kabukichou?"

Otae stiffened, knowing that they were talking about a serious matter, "Yes, five girls have been raped and then murdered in the past three weeks."

"And you probably also know that no clues were left behind on the scenes?"

"I know that, too," Otae stared at him as if saying You bastards! What the fuck are you doing with our tax money? "Apparently, the creep's still out there somewhere, waiting for his next victim."

Hijikata lit a cigarette and took a drag, "How are the girls in this place?"

"When the second body was found, the boss arranged everyone to have bodyguards to escort them home."

"And you?"

"I'm one of the bodyguards," Otae grinned, "But we usually leave work in the morning and those girls were murdered during the night-time."

"The time scale is from twelve to three. All of them were last seen in a bar drinking and then leaving alone," Hijikata poured himself another sweet drink, he would need courage for the next part, "There's really no pattern. The bar's always different, the day varies and even the victims had nothing special in common."

Otae took a swig straight from the bottle, "But what does any of this have to do with me?" suddenly her eyes lit up, "You want me to play the victim? To drag the pervert out and beat the crap out of him?" she was already standing up, a murderous gleam in her eyes, her fingers twitching.

"NO! NO!" Hijikata pulled the woman back down and got a black eye as a reward. How does this place stay in business with someone like her here? "We can't endanger civilians. Besides, Kondou-san would never approve of that", Not to mention your Demon King-aura would scare the murdered to the next planet.

"Who gives a shit what that gorilla-idiot thinks?" Otae picked her nose, "Well, what are you doing here then? Shouldn't you be out there hunting down that bastard?"

This was it. The hard part. He should have had Yamazaki do this, he had experience with stuff like this. No, Yamazaki's too weak and gets easily distracted with his fucking badminton and Kabaddi. Okita was too much of a pea-brain (in his opinion) and no-one else in Shinsengumi really came in question.

"You're right. I did come here to ask for help in arranging a bait. As you know, there aren't any female officers in our ranks. Nor in the police-forces, at least not anyone I would assign with a job this dangerous."

"So? What can I do then?"

Hijikata took one final drag from his cig, thumped it in the ashtray and opened his mouth, "Can... Can you make me into a woman?"

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"Red! Red is definitely his colour!"

"NO! It has to be blue! His eyes are blue!"

"Idiots! Black suits everyone!"

"I still think we should go with pink."

"NO PINK!" Hijikata yelled, earning a smack from Otae.

"Don't move! We need to get you hair fixed."

Hijikata grumbled and tried to stay still as Otae and two other cabaret girls attached black hair extension on his head. He had thought that asking Otae for help would've meant borrowing a yukata and maybe getting few tips, but Otae had insisted that since this was a police-mission they had to go all out. So, here he was. Surrounded by almost half of the female staff of Smile who pulled him this way and that, announcing their own opinions about how to make him look more girly.

"Aah! Your hair's so smooth and silky. What do you use on it?" one of the girls pulling at his hair sighed.

"What do I... Just normal shampoo, I guess," he muttered.

"You should wash you hair with chamomile. It'll give it a nice shine," another girl commented.

"Is that so?"

"Stupid! Chamomile is for blond hair."

"Ooh! I heard about this new Amanto product. It's only 10 000 yen through mail order."

"I know that! They say that it's good for split ends."

"Not that Hijikata-san has any," Otae smiled, "I wish my hair was like this."

"Oh, me too!"

"You got to tell us your secret, Hijikata-han."

Maybe I should call Yamazaki, after all...

"Hijikata-san," one of the other girls, Ane (if he remembered correctly), interrupted, "How about a shrine maiden outfit? It'll look good on you."

"Stupid! What kind of shrine maiden goes to a bar!"

"It's a known fact that a man's fantasy is to corrupt the pure heart of a shrine maiden! Study your profession more, you tweet!"

"What was that, bitch!"

"Enough!" Hijikata interrupted, "Just... Pick whatever, as long as it isn't too flamboyant."

"Done!" Otae announced as she and the two other girls stepped back.

"KYAA! That looks so good!"

"OMG! It, like, totally suits you!"

Hijikata looked at his reflection from the mirror. His hair was now about as long as it had been five years ago, when he had been a no-good punk causing trouble in the countryside. The black strands cascaded over his shoulders and in an old habit he swiped some of the hair behind his ear. Was I really this girly looking back then? Thank gods I decided to cut it.

"I think we should just tie your hair up in a ponytail," Otae commented, "It's too pretty to put into a bun but if we leave it open like this, it may hinder your fighting."

Just like the old days, Hijikata thought, I have to make sure not to run into any of the Shinsengumi guys. They might recognise me like this.

"What about the make-up?" a girl named Oryou asked, "His face's kinda pretty so I don't think we need to do a lot."

"I agree, maybe some mascara. Your eyes are always dilated," Otae thought, "Oh! And some lip gloss! It'll make your lips look full and kissable."

"Um... I can really do without all these comments..."

"Let's give him a yukata with butterflies on it!"

"No! It has to be king fishers!"

"Dragonflies! Dragonflies are the in-thing now!"

"What about a bunny-girl outfit?"

"Oh, god..."

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Hijikata had mixed feelings as he stared at his reflection. The girls had finally decided to go with a dark-blue (almost black) yukata with rowan tree flowers on it, tied with a white obi-sash. His hair was on a high ponytail (the same way he used to keep it when he was younger) and tied with a long white ribbon. The only make-up he had was strawberry-flavoured (!) lip gloss and some black mascara to make his eyelashes look longer. The illusion was perfect, if he dared to say so himself, but it kinda hurt his male-ego to see how little had to be done to make him look like this.

That's it! Next week I'm starting bodybuilding.

"HII! So beautiful!"

"It's almost like a princess from the moon!"

"Those eyes! They have a bedroom-look in them!"

The girls kept squealing and Otae nodded her head in approval. Then she remembered something and grabbed some black geta-sandals from a box, "No thick bottoms for you. You don't have time to practice walking with them and you're already tall enough."

Hijikata was grateful of that. He had feared of walking around the town in high-heels or 4-inch bottoms. He already felt kinda vulnerable without his sword, weird footwear would have just been too difficult.

"Yes, a perfect bait for perverts," Otae smiled, "You think you're ready now?"

"I... I guess..."

"Wait! Don't talk too loudly. Your voice is so low it'll give you away," Oryou advised, "Try talking quietly and breathlessly, it'll give you more of a sex appeal. Like you're just out a gang bang session, or something."

"Umm... Okay..." Hijikata muttered.

"Uu! It's almost like the voice caresses me!"

"I even felt a tingling in my spine!"

"Girls, girls! This is serious business! Vice-commander is doing this for all the women in Edo," Otae scolded, "Just remember that you promised me some alone time with the culprit once you've caught him," Otae's eyes gleamed with bloodlust as she was most definitely planning out the future 'meeting'.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," for one millisecond Hijikata actually felt sorry for the culprit. But it passed.

"Okay! Time for some testing. Walk through the bar to the front door and lets see if you get any catcalls."

"Can't I just sneak out from the back?"

"What's the point in all this if you're afraid to show yourself?"

"We need to see if you pass as a woman."

"What if that guy is here?"

"It's your job, vice-commander!"

Hijikata gulped nervously. He hadn't thought that he would have to appear before others just yet. But it was a mission, and hopefully he'd get to beat someone into a bloody pulp this night. He just hoped Kondou-san wasn't around here somewhere.

Otae and the other girls pushed him to the bar area, hiding themselves to see how it would go. Immediately there were eyes on him and Hijikata could feel his face getting hotter. He bowed his head slightly, unknowingly giving an impression of a shy country pumpkin. He started walking slowly towards the exit, trying to make himself move more femininely instead of his usual long strides. Luckily there weren't any catcalls (it was too early for the men to be that drunk) but there were lots of winking, smiling and whispering. Some guy even offered to buy him a drink, which he politely refused.

Finally at the exit Hijikata turned around one last time to see Otae and the other girls waving at him, mouthing 'good luck' and some men in the bar looking disappointed at his early leave. Hijikata gave the girls a nervous wave and stepped outside in the Kabukichou night.