Falling for Plan B
The warm glow of the afternoon orange sun bathed the room I haven't seen in seven years through the open windows in the far wall. I couldn't believe it myself. I am home. I never in all actuality thought I would ever say that again. I repeated the words out loud now, not really expecting anyone to reply. The words echoed into the empty room, resounding emptily in answer. I shrugged out of my wet jacket, hanging it on a chair. It seemed like a storm brewing. I felt a strange kinship to the weather, knowing my emotions and motives were just as chaotic. I still wasn't sure why I came back but I am here now, after giving in to the sudden impulse to return back home from overseas. I was not in the mood to question my intentions or probe into my subconscious now. I suddenly felt tired and drained. The bed beckoned to me and it was impossible to resist the lure of sleep. After disrobing all my clothing save for my pants and boxer shorts, I dove to the center of the massive bed, falling asleep in an instant. I vastly preferred the understated innocence of sleep to the tumultuous thoughts I would only torture myself with awake.
When I awakened, the rain continued to fall in an unrelenting downpour from the night sky. I walked to the window, pulling aside the heavy curtain to expose the view of our back gardens. The gloomy weather was not really helping my emotional state. But through the years that I have been away, I have gotten used to this plethora of feelings assuaging me. A mixture of regret, anger, bitterness, sadness and something I could not quite distinguish wreak havoc on my mind whenever I allow myself to be vulnerable. Being back here at home left my weak defenses frayed and worn out. I could only hold on to my puny shield for so long before a catalyst would finally overcome me; even my pathetic self could sense that it was coming.
The torrent of water has settled to a light drizzle though faint echoes of thunder still resonated through the heavens and the black sky was still marred with the presence of lightning. A faint movement in my periphery caught my attention and I fixated my eyes towards the lone figure, silhouetted by the single light from the lamp post. A slim form clad in black tight swimming trunks was emerging from the shadowy waters of the pool. There is no doubt as to who it was. And even from this slight distance, I could see him clearly and loathe as I was to admit, my eyes feasted greedily on this seeming apparition before me, separated merely by the cold glass against my hand and the expanse of smooth lawn bathed in rain.
He felt cold, I could tell, as he was shivering ever so slightly as he stood, his face turned towards the rain. I let my eyes roam up and down his body, bathed in the golden glow of the light, drinking in the sight of him. His nipples were hardened nubs in the cold spray and his tight fitting attire left almost nothing to the imagination. I knew I should turn away and yet I couldn't; there was no way I could resist this spell he cast by simply being there. I was mesmerized by the sight of him and my thoughts were filled of poignant thoughts that sent heat crawling up my spine. I clench a fist in blatant refusal of the images being replayed in my brain but it was of no use. Clear in my mind were the recollections that were the very reason why I went away in the first place. But it was a bodily reaction, one I had no control of. I could feel the tightening in my loins and I try to find the strength to pull myself from the window.
But wait. Had he moved? Or was it I that moved closer to the glass, pressing myself eagerly against it in the unspeakable desire to get closer to him? Maybe it was both, but my mind was unable to comprehend this any further because as I gazed at his face once again, in an unanticipated outcome, our eyes met. I prayed that it was simply my imagination as I stood there rooted to the floor unable to stir and move away for fear that he would really see me then. Because, there was no way in hell he could see me from this far, in this dark, unlit room, right? I may have only been deluding myself because it surely wasn't my imagination playing tricks on me when his hand came up in an unmistakable gesture, one that beckoned, one that displayed just how much surprised he is as I am. And it seemed, that simple gesticulation spanned the expanse between us, I could almost feel his hand reaching out and touching my chest.
It felt so hot suddenly and my head spun. I hastily pulled the curtains close and threw myself on the bed. I was at a loss of what to do and what to think. I had not let him know of my sudden arrival because I wanted to be prepared when I faced him again. I didn't want him to confront me now, that I was feeling mostly vulnerable. I had wanted time to organize my thoughts and emotions, something that I had sworn to do when I left seven years ago and yet have been unable to accomplish no matter how hard I tried, even until now. And I knew with an absolute certainty, Hikaru was very well on his way here to question me. I am sure he had seven years' worth of questions to ask me and I wanted to demand answers to some of mine as well, unworthy as I am of those in light of what I have done.
The muffled footfalls in the hallway drew me from my thoughts and I moved to step away from the bed, my back leaning against the wall. I was aiming for nonchalance but I was actually using it for support. In all honesty I was very much afraid. I had no idea how this talk will turn out. And my recent arousing thoughts of my brother only hindered my comprehensive capabilities. I bit at my thumb, needing something to help relatively calm me down. Here it comes… I whispered to myself as I closed my eyes and drew a sharp intake of breath, preparing myself futilely.
"Kaoru!" The door flew open and was slammed shut before I could raise my head in answer. Hikaru stood before me, clad in his swimming trunks and a towel about his shoulder, not even bothering with a change of clothing. "Kaoru." It was a whisper this time and I was shocked how badly my ears strained to hear it. He stood before me, chest heaving from his run. He may have rushed into the room suddenly and thoughtlessly but now, he was maybe feeling discomforted, having lost the momentum he gained due to the shock of seeing me.
He stepped closer and both our eyes widened with disbelief when I involuntarily inched away from him, my back still against the wall, my knees feeling weak. He took two steps back then, upon seeing my slight retreat. My recoil away from him must have hurt him, just as my sudden disappearance in the years before had. But if he did, he refused to show it. His forehead was marred with a frown and he appeared to be weighing his actions.
"Kaoru." He called my name again, eliciting a slight shiver from me. "Hikaru." I whispered back, a little surprised at how good it felt to utter his name, to let it leave my lips without any form of worry or regret, or fear.
"Kaoru." He whispered once more as he stepped forward , and another again for every step he took towards me, all the while, holding my gaze with his own. I was nailed to the spot, unable to move any further, backed into the corner as I was. How could hearing him utter something simple as my name cause my breath to come in irregular pants and my pulse to beat loudly in my ears? I felt a little dizzy knowing what was next. Being twins, it was hard not to be able to predict his actions. And it seemed even growing apart had not cured us of that peculiar phenomenon.
I cringe away from him as he stood so close now, averting my gaze. My actions were in vain because from the infinitesimal amount of space between us, his mere presence assailed my senses. His scent, nostalgic and mixed with the essence of rain, filled my nostrils and it was getting so hard to breathe, my chest rising and falling with ragged pants and he has still yet to touch me. The feeling of such absolute weakness disgusted me and more so for the fact that I am helpless against him when it comes to this. It was something he may never have quite understood because I knew, if our roles were switched, he wouldn't feel the same doubt at surrendering completely to me. This was what irked me the most, how I couldn't be like him in this aspect, at least.
I felt a finger under my chin, lifting my head up to accept the gentle kiss he pressed against my lips. I felt him shudder as our lips met. I realize he must be controlling himself, channeling his lusts to be force himself to be more tender and considerate. I, too, tremble in response, the firm smoothness of his lips against mine were nothing in comparison to the dreams that taunted me in my sleep when I was away from him.
I bit my lip to stop the protest threatening to escape when he pulled away, having done nothing but press our closed mouths together for mere seconds. "I missed you, Kaoru." He whispered, looking straight into my eyes. His words went straight to my heart and I understand that I owed it to him to be honest, too. "I missed you, too." I replied, trying my best to meet his unfaltering gaze with one of mine. I was unable to do so and once again averted my gaze from his, hiding my eyes under the fringe of my bangs. But his next actions make me gasp because he read into my mind quite so easily. His forearms rested against the walls by my head and his knee wedged between my thighs effectively trapping me, forbidding me the escape I was desperately seeking. I looked at him, wondering if I should beg but his next words shocked me into further silence.
"May I kiss you properly now, Kaoru? I have been wanting to, since I first saw you again." While holding me a prisoner by his body, he had lowered his head to gaze at my downcast eyes, so now, he looked up at me through the thick lashes framing those hazel orbs. My mouth fell open, rendering me into speechlessness at the sight of him, looking so desperate and vulnerable. "I'll take that as a yes, Kaoru."
His lips ascended to meet mine, clamping firmly against my open mouth. I stood there bonelessly against the wall, too shocked to even respond to the heated thrusts of his tongue into my mouth. He pulled away briefly, frowning at me as I stupidly gaped back at him. His arms left the wall to grab my hands, winding them around his body. Upon touching his still slightly damp skin, it seemed a dam of emotions was released inside me. How long could I go on fighting this, if it was something that we both truly wanted?
Shyly, my hand settled at his nape to pull him back for a kiss. I saw his lips curve into a smile as he finally brought our mouths together once more for another kiss unlike any one we had shared that night. It was like getting to know a familiar, the way our tongues entwined knowingly, addictively. We knew which buttons to push to drive the other one insane and yet, having not done it in a long time, it was a different high rediscovering such reactions from each other.
Our tongues curled hotly and wetly against the other, rubbing furiously with desire, making the two of us gasp with need. Before I knew it, the silk top of my pajamas were already unbuttoned halfway and Hikaru was nibbling at my collarbone, making me mewl with pleasure. His fingers were getting desperate and he was not making any more progress with ridding me of my top. He moved away from me to pull the garment up above my head, throwing it across the room before he caught my hands, locking them high on the wall with a tight grip as he suckled at the hardened nubs of my nipples, rubbing his tongue against them, coating them with saliva before biting at the sensitive peaks, knowing just how much force to apply to make me keen with need.
"You taste better than what I remember, Kaoru." He muttered before he ravaged my mouth once again, pressing our bodies tightly against each other. His nipples rubbed against mine and I cried out in pleasure, seeking more of the intimate contact. "Or maybe it's because I really missed you so much." He added, peering into my eyes.
"Everything is not the same, Hikaru." I mumble in reply. "Everything feels different, better, than what I remember." I added shyly, refusing to look at him. He had a serious expression on his face when he pulled me away from the wall, leading me towards the bed. My brother rid himself of the remaining article of clothing and I turned away from him, feeling impossibly modest. I felt his stare against my back and I move to discard my pajamas as well. I remain seated on the bed, unsure of what to do. I felt the slight dipping of the mattress as Hikaru settled behind me, wrapping his arms around my form.
"Please, Kaoru, don't think too much. I promise we'll have that much needed talk later. But for now, please, let me love you first." His warm breath against my nape made me shiver and he rained kisses up and down my neck as his hands explored my body. I settled my head against his shoulder allowing him better access as his thumbs rubbed against my nipples, before pinching to tease the sensitive nubs hardened with desire. My hips moved involuntarily, fidgeting with arousal. He took notice of this and his hand finally reached down, grabbing my length. We moaned at the same time before I moved my head to the side, demanding for a kiss which he readily gave me. His thrusting tongue kept rhythm with the pumping motions of his hand. I was bucking desperately into the tight hold he held my cock in, gasping desperately.
"Shhhh." He whispered as he moved to settle me in the center of the bed against the pillows. He kneeled down between my spread legs, pumping me now with languid motions that only served to make me more frustrated. "Hikaru." I plead, but he shook his head at me. Holding the base of my hardness in his fist, he settled on the bed, licking at my thighs and the underside of my knees. He knew exactly where I was so sensitive and he took advantage of this now.
"Hika- ahhh" his name died on my lips as he finally gave an experimental lick up my shaft. His eyes met mine as he lapped up at the sides of my cock, licking what pre-cum had dribbled out in my blatant arousal. He looked like a cat that had caught its prey and was now enjoying it to the fullest. Hikaru finally broke our gazes when he started to take me in his warm, wet, mouth, sucking me off thoroughly as his head bobbed up and down between my legs. I lost any capability of thought as all my concentration was focused on the hot pressure deliciously sending waves of desire though my body. But he stopped too soon for me, moving lower to lick at my balls, massaging them, teasing them with his tongue. Somehow, knowing what he was about to do next didn't detract from the excitement; rather, the knowledge fueled it, making my nerves tingle with anticipation with what was in store for me.
At the first tentative prod of his tongue at my entrance, I jumped a little, my pelvis rising off the bed jerkily. But he grabbed my hips in his hands, steadying me, his thumbs rubbing against my hipbones, adding to the superfluity of sensations. "Hikaa- ruh." I pant out as his tongue continuously thrust shallowly into me. It was enough to stimulate my senses, and more than enough to send me onto the path of no return. He raised his head, his tongue replaced by two fingers as he looked down on me. "G- good?" he asked, as if he had to inquire in the first place. But I had to focus to watch his face, concentrating as much as I can, given the assault his fingers was causing to my body. "Y- yes, Hikaru." I was able to reply, not having it in me to deny it to him, not now when he looked thoroughly aroused as he was, flushed and panting, looking at me through half-lidded eyes filled with desire.
He shifted a little, granting me access to his weeping erection. I take what I can into my mouth, my tongue bathing in his taste. I make sure to make his cock as wet as I can, pushing more into my throat, swallowing as I do so to stop myself from gagging. Hikaru's fingers left my body and I couldn't complain; I was enjoying the taste of my twin on my tongue too much. I would have done to him what he did to me earlier but we were simply too much aroused to put up with any more foreplay. If we wanted to consummate our lovemaking, we had to stop with the foreplay. Hikaru sensed this and he pulled out of my mouth, his erection glistening wetly.
I parted my thighs eagerly as Hikaru settled between them, positioning my hips as he held his cock in one hand, settling himself by my entrance. "Ready?" he rasped out. I nod jerkily as I forced myself to relax. He slid the head of his erection inside me and I gasp out loudly. "Kaoru." My gaze flew to my twin's and I immediately sense his panic. "I- I'm okay, Hikaru. Move." While there was a slight throbbing up my ass, it was bearable and unlike the first time we had ever done this. I was sure that in a short while, all traces of pain will be gone from my consciousness. I took another sharp intake of breath as Hikaru slid his erection completely in me, filling me.
There was something strangely familiar about the way Hikaru was sliding in and out of me, I was unable to stop my arms and legs from wrapping about his bucking form, opening myself further to his assault. I closed my eyes, reveling in the sensation of being filled by my twin. His rough moans against my neck made my senses tingle further, my toes curling with delight against his thighs.
"So good, Kaoru. Your ass feels so tight." Hikaru bit out before he began suckling on the lobe of my ear, his tongue tracing the sensitive cartilage. Spurred on by my brother's moans, I push against his shoulder, taking him by surprise as he fell against the bed. I followed suit, still intimately connected to him. "Let me." I whispered, a little frantic now. I settled my hands against his shoulder while his hands grabbed hold of my hips. I raised myself on quivering knees, lifting myself, almost exposing the entire length of Hikaru's penis as I sank back down, engulfing him back in me. We both groaned in unison. Controlling the pace like this ensured his cock hit that spot in me each time he slipped inside me. Hikaru must be groaning from the pressure and heat engulfing his cock.
Our motions soon took on a steady rhythm which was soon becoming jerky thrusts. Our pumping was beginning to become fraught with need. Perspiration ran down my chest from the exertion, pre-cum dripping down my erection to pool slightly on my twin's abdomen. I found myself against the covers once more, unable to do nothing but meet Hikaru's thrust for thrust. "I- I'm close, Hikaru." I manage to utter. "Reach for it, Kaoru. I'll give it to you." He stayed true to his promise. He barely touched my cock when I came, my back arching against the bed, consumed as I was from the release that began in my groin, spreading towards the rest of my body. I milked Hikaru's orgasm from him, my climax spurring his from him. Was it so awful that I took a secret delight that at that moment of complete abandon, it was my name that Hikaru breathed out?
I lay on the bed, spent and exhausted, a perverted satisfied mess. But reality came back in gradual increments and I was finally faced with the reality of the situation. I shifted on the bed, moving to the edge as Hikaru slid out of me. His hand clamped down on my wrist, stopping me as I stood. "I'll take a shower , Hikaru. I'm covered in cum, as you can see." I still refused to look at him directly. He finally let go of my hand and I flee to the small sanctuary the bathroom offered me.
I turned on the taps, allowing the warm water to wash all remains of our lovemaking. I stand motionless against the unrelenting spray, my hand clutching at the opposite elbow. It seemed to me that I was hugging myself and I wonder slightly how I could feel cold underneath the hot gush of liquid on my skin. Suddenly, it wasn't as cold anymore. Hikaru embraced me from behind, his arms around my body, enveloping me in his warmth. How long we stood there like that, I have no clear idea. But I was aware that it was a pretty long time and that when Hikaru finally pulled me away to dry the both us off and lead us to bed, I was almost half asleep.
My twin pulled me to his chest, leaving me no choice but to snuggle against him. I was drifting between sleep and wakefulness when I felt him whisper my name against my temple. It was an incredible thing that he could do, being able to make me feel like a work of art after making me fall apart at his touch. It was a secret smile that lingered on my lips as I finally succumbed to slumber.
I never expected Hikaru to be there when I awakened. But it hurt so much more than I was willing to admit, even if I expected him to be gone from my bed come morning. Being so close to him last night acutely hurt so much. I felt stripped raw of my defenses, leaving my emotions vulnerable to attack, which was exactly what had happened last night. But I know, being away from him hurt infinitely more so. It was lose-lose all the way for me, whether I was able to withstand my lust last night or not, I would be feeling the same now, I knew that for sure. There was no way to escape this. Haven't the time I've spent away from him proven that much to me?
Left with nothing else to do, I take a quick shower and dress casually, not knowing what the day had in store for me. I would probably be roaming through the grounds, looking at what changes have occurred in my absence.
After a small breakfast the maids have prepared for me, I found my feet leading me into the rose gardens a slight distance from the estate, I was thankful it didn't look like rain. The walk tired me out a bit but seeing the vast expanse of flower beds made it all worthwhile. The stress and tension seemed to melt away from my body. And I took deep breaths of refreshing air, the scent of the flowers somehow revitalizing instead of suffocating. I stayed there for a while, savoring the serenity that was usually so out of reach from my grasp.
A bobbing red head of hair caught my attention. Curious, I approach the form of a small boy, crouched before a clump of roses, staring mesmerizingly at them. "Hey." I said, as a form of greeting, unsure how to address him. By the way his body was built he seemed to be below five years of age. The boy glanced up to look at me and in an instant, the newfound peace I had was shattered into tiny dismal pieces. I was staring into the eyes of an earlier version of me and Hikaru.
"Mamoru-chama!" A woman's voice broke through the permeating silence. "Mamoru-chama, where are you?! Ah, there you are!" The nursemaid approached us and she looked at me in shock. "I- Hitachiin-sama, I wasn't aware you were with your son. What is it Mamoru-chama?" The child had been tugging at the woman's skirts ever since she began addressing me, shaking his head repeatedly. He must have realized I was not his father. That in itself was good. I never wanted to be mistaken for Hikaru in that awkward instance.
I was at a loss for works, not knowing how to respond to the nursemaid's inquiry. She was staring at me, obviously waiting for an answer and I stared at the little boy, feeling the aftershocks of the incident. He stared back at me, scrutinizing every inch of my body.
"Papa!" he shouted suddenly running towards my general direction. But he ran past me and I knew to whom he was rushing to. The woman's audible gasp was the only audible thing in the rose garden. I turned towards my brother, watching him as he stood up from his crouch, bringing the boy, Mamoru, with him.
"Hikaru." I bit out his name as politely as I can, struggling to keep my face emotionless.
"Kaoru." He replied, his eyes beseeching to me. He seemed to remember the woman's presence and proceeded with introductions before pulling me with him, the child carried in his other arm as he towed me back to the mansion, the nursemaid left behind.
I was gasping for breath due to the frantic pace in which Hikaru walked towards the house, refusing to let go of my hand no matter how I tried to convince him too. Maybe he was scared I would pull another disappearing act, something that seemed very favorable among my options now. In light of my these recent events, it confused me even more why I am back at this house, feeling now that I didn't belong in the picture, somehow.
The bruises and the scratch marks on both our bodies were still fresh from last night's encounter and yet I felt sick to my stomach at the memories of the previous night, feeling bile rise up my throat, suffocating me with overly consuming jealousy. There was no use denying it. I was jealous and feeling betrayed. Irrational as I know it was, I still couldn't help but feel the bitterness tainting my sight.
The minute we were in the house, Mamoru slithered down his father's body to run away from us to only God knows where. His father. The remembrance made a sharp jolt of pain run through my spine, causing me to become rigid. Stiffly, I allowed Hikaru to lead me back to my room, knowing there was no use in fighting or arguing the matter .
Once back in my room, Hikaru seemed prepared for my questions but I remained silent refusing even to look at him. He must have realized how I felt about this because he didn't force me to say anything. It was true what they say, how remaining silent doesn't mean you didn't care nor that you were using it as a defense mechanism. It was clear to both of us how my silence meant that saying nothing was like saying how bad it hurt that I simply didn't know what to say.
He sat beside me from where I was on the bed, staring blankly at the wall. He moved to kneel in front of me, almost begging me to look at him. I did, but with a glassy stare. If I gave him anymore than that, I would cry. It was a horrifying thought so I met his amber stare with one of my own.
"I'm sor-" he began. I silence him with a slight touch of my finger, shaking my head gently. "Don't, Hikaru. I wasn't celibate myself." I wasn't proud of that fact but I did realize it was a tad unfair that I would hold this recent revelation against him when I wasn't so pure myself.
"But there's nothing we could do about it, right?" He mumbled. Hikaru's voice broke on the last word. "I love you, Kaoru." I wanted to respond but my mouth remained firmly shut.
"I know." I replied, my eyes fixated on my brother's shoulder. "I- I need to be alone, Hikaru."
Hikaru moved to stand, taking an envelope from the inner pocket of his jacket and placing it in my hand. He left without a word soon after that but not before pressing a hard, rough kiss against my lips.
I haven't noticed it but the rain was falling now in harsh torrents, the weather seeming more dismal than usual. I stood by the window, taking in the sight of the fat, wet droplets of rain beating a pounding rhythm against the cold glass panes.
The rain may just possibly epitomize fearless love. How I wanted to be like it, how it falls even though it didn't know where it would land and yet it kept on falling endlessly, until it had no more left to give. I wanted to be so much like it yet was unable to. Tears slid down my cheeks at the frustration and bitterness clouding my mind.
It was an invitation to a party that Hikaru handed me when he left me in the room. I almost didn't go but I preferred the idle chatter to a lonely night with no one but my thoughts to keep me company. Another reason I was to attend was because Hikaru was hosting it, and it was no big effort to get dressed and go downstairs if only just to make a slight appearance.
I was a little late in descending from my room which made it relatively easier to mingle. But I preferred not to, instead, observing like a spectator from the shadows. It would be awkward to explain my presence to these people and I wanted to spare myself from that. It would suffice to merely watch the comings and goings of these people. I have long ago voluntarily separated myself from this world; I no longer belonged in this society. It seemed another notch against a relationship between me and my brother. I need no more reminders of that.
I take another sip from the glass I held in my hand, unsure how much I had consumed already. It was probably quite some a lot. I was feeling a little tipsy but not incredibly drunk. I wanted to go up to my room and sleep it off. But as I was about to leave the party, I heard my brother's voice from above the din of the crowd.
"Yes, I do have a twin brother, Kaoru." I glanced toward him but he was unaware of my presence. The two men he talked to commented on his sentence and a poignant smile flitted across his features. "I dearly regret he is my brother." Came his barely decipherable whisper, something I was able to interpret just by reading his lips since it was inaudible even to his companions.
I must have gasped audibly loud enough because Hikaru started and began to turn in my direction. However, I was able to make my escape gracefully away from the party, seeking sanctuary once more in my room. My brother's words reverberated in my mind. I could sense the underlying sentiments in them. Things would indeed be easier if we were not related. But never in my life had I regretted having him as a brother, only frustrated at what cruel fate caused us to fall for each other. Our closeness was born from the fact that we grew up together, an intimacy that we would never feel with anyone else. But I could see how he must be wishing we were in a different situation. If we were, maybe I wouldn't be this doubtful, this tentative and wary about the two of us.
I am grateful of the fact that he was hosting the party. This means he could not follow me upstairs until the crowd below disperses. I waited for my emotions to at least stabilize, shuddering every now and then as I controlled what tears threatened to escape past my tightly closed eyes. I fervently desired for him to leave me alone for now. I hoped the door would be enough to convey my message to him. It hurt that for the first time, there was a locked door in between us.
Hikaru was gone the next day; and the next ones after that.
I struggled out of bed, ready to talk things through with my brother. But somehow, things hadn't turned out as I had planned. I didn't expect that Hikaru would actually leave today. I heard him knock a few times the night of the party but I feigned sleep and after a while he had walked away.
The dull constriction in my throat tightened further as the memory lingered in the back of my mind. I tried to push it away but I know I'll only fail dismally unless I find an adequate distraction to occupy me. I bury my face in my palm, wishing I could somehow turn back the wheels of time, impossible as I know it is now. My mind is taken backwards to a few years ago to that fateful summer day when I finally decided to run away from it all. We were on the verge of being discovered and rumors and suspicions were being whispered behind our backs. I am ashamed to admit it but I took tail and ran away. Hikaru had wanted to stay and face it all when we were discussing our options but I knew that if anyone were to figure out the real truth of things, Hikaru and I were going to lose it all. I could never do that to my brother. I would never want him to risk it all for me, at the chance that he jeopardizes his own future in return.
So now, here we are, facing the results of my impetuous decision years ago the day we graduated from high school. Our parents had not questioned my sudden request to study and stay abroad and I had left without even saying goodbye to my brother. It was the most difficult thing I had to do but I was acting on my noble impulsions then and I was somehow able to face the succeeding seven years without him. Mom and dad never questioned my refusal to go home for the holidays and on family occasions. I didn't even come home to attend our parents' funeral, grieving instead from overseas at the unfortunate accident that took their lives away. Hikaru's letters returned to him unanswered and unopened. I knew if I read them, I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore from rushing back to him. It wasn't that I stopped loving him. I never did. I just stopped showing it, in the hope that he would somehow forget about me and build a life separate from me.
I could see he had, at least, tried that course of action. He had a son now. And in the next days after Hikaru's leave and after a few inquiries to the household help I finally learned that the wife our parents had arranged for him had died soon after giving birth to Mamoru. I heard it was a difficult birth and I could find it in myself now to pity her, if not grieve for her like I was still doing for our mother and father.
But now, I could clearly see that Hikaru still harbored the same feelings for me. Hadn't our first meeting proved that much? Just because I decided to tread a path separate from him didn't do one bit of damage to the love we had for each other. In order to move on, in order to break away from an emotion, one has to understand what one feels, why one felt it and accept why one should no longer feel it. I do understand the intricacies of why this mutual feeling between me and my brother is forbidden but I cannot bring myself to completely embrace that reasoning. Always, there is some lingering emotion that I simply delude myself into having forgotten it. But no matter how much I try to convince myself, it is always there, always with me. Already, it feels like an indelible truth, one that simply insisted we were truly meant for each other. But I was still fighting it. I, too, could be as stubborn as Hikaru. As I descend the stairs in a courageous attempt to face another empty day, I find myself wishing faintly that Hikaru's obstinate streak was stronger than mine. I hope that his determination would be able to convince myself that I am unable to let go of him, as well. Because in the long run, we end up with someone we cannot resist not falling for. And in my case, it was for my twin brother, Hikaru.
In the hallway, I saw the boy, Mamoru, sitting in a corner. I tried not to think that he was actually waiting for me but there could be no other reason because he stood the moment he saw me and began trailing behind me soon after that. I had to give it to the boy; he certainly knew how to keep quiet. He simply stayed in the shadows, trying as hard as he can to be non-intrusive. But it still irked me a little. I did try to ignore him but he had my curiosity piqued. The only time he didn't come after me was whenever I went into my room. And most of the time, when I emerged from the door, he would still be there, waiting patiently for me.
This went on for a couple of days, the only true privacy I have was during the night. Even then, I could still feel wide amber eyes staring at me. This night was not an exception. There was another thunderstorm and even with the tightly closed windows and heavy curtains, I could still hear the wind's howling dotted by the bellows of thunder. I heard a faint yelp and I rolled over in bed, finding the door slightly ajar, a small head peering into it. The amber eyes that haunted my dreams were staring at me. Mamoru made a move to turn away but instinct dictated to me that I talk to him.
"Wait!" I shouted out, a little louder than usual to make myself heard above the uproar in the heavens. 'Come here." I beckoned to him with a hand, urging him to move forward. He did as was told, closing the door to move to stand at the foot of the bed. He was clad in green pajamas, clutching a similarly colored blanket around him.
"You were scared?" I asked. But the boy shook his head vigorously. "What do you want then?" I sighed, a little irritated. I had no experience baby-sitting. I certainly didn't want to start on it now, of all times. It was cold and I wanted to get on with sleep.
To my surprise, fat tears were sliding down the boy's cheeks. "I miss my daddy." He whispered, followed by a sob. I was speechless and just stared at him. He looked down on the floor and my mind raced to think of something to say. I was unable to string comprehensive words together when he whispered again. "You miss him too, right?" I was horrified to feel the stinging in my eyes, signaling that I might start bawling very soon, just like the kid in front of me was doing. Was it actually the reason I felt like the walking dead the past week? Could this kid have seen right through my pretenses that even I was fooled? There was no use denying it now.
"Yes, I miss Hikaru." I muttered, wishing that there was some way he would not hear. It was awful having to admit to his son how much I need Hikaru. And to my great mortification, Mamoru climbed up to the bed and sat beside me, staring at me. I swallowed convulsively while looking back at him.
He leaned in, as if wanting to share a secret. "Before daddy left, he told me he was going to miss me, and Kaoru-oto-san too. He said that he would miss the two of us very much because he loves us both.*" My mind was in shambles. I was unable to do anything but lay my hand on Mamoru's head, which, I gather, he took as a sign of acceptance. A couple of tears slid past my eyes and I smile a little, moving to wipe at Mamoru's tears while my own slipped unashamedly down my face. I felt the boy's chubby hands wipe the moisture away before he spoke once more.
"Can I sleep here, Kaoru-oto-san?" I give a secret smile to the boy at the endearment he called me.
"Of course, Mamoru-kun. Maybe it would be less lonely, if we were to miss Hikaru together…"
With that, I settled on to the bed beside him, pulling the covers around the two of us. It was weird sleeping next to him. But he smelled faintly and irresistibly of Hikaru. In the end, I could never hate anything that is a part of my twin. I pulled him closer, sharing more of my warmth. For so long, I had felt so cold and alone but for once there was a blissful tenderness radiating me and I wanted to cherish this small boy filled with love that slept contentedly beside me, just as much as I adored his father with my whole being.
When Hikaru arrived in the morning, worn from a business trip, it was the sight of me and Mamoru wrapped snuggly together in the center of my bed that greeted him. I felt him press a kiss to Mamoru's forehead and another longer, lingering kiss to my cheek. I smiled a little, snuggling further into the bundle of warmth I held in my hands as longer arms reached out to envelope the two of us. Maybe, it wasn't such a bad idea to stay, this time around.
* Kaoru-oto-san = Papa Kaoru
I'm sorry. It gave off a more authentic feeling rather than typing "Papa Kaoru" in there. D=
I am a stressed out, depressed little authoress. D= I have no idea how I came up with this fic. And so, I beg your pardon for my measly, futile attempt at making what was meant to be a PWP into a fanfic that had something barely resembling a plot, at least.
Originally, this was meant as an AU fic set in ancient China or Japan, at least. Hikaru was to be the successor to the Emperor and Kaoru was his twin brother who was sent away because there were rumors of their incestuous relationship. After a few years had passed, the reigning Emperor died and Hikaru ascended to the throne and he sent for his brother to come back home. The fic was supposed to dwell on the results of their actions, much the same as I have here. Hikaru also had a son and Kaoru had the same feelings. As in this fic, he readily accepted the imperial order for him to leave in the other fic I originally intended. It was supposed to be more complicated than what I have here, given that if I were to write about imperial China, I would have to research about stuff (that I know so little of even though I'm part Chinese). D= And so, I turned coward and made it into a modern day setting instead. I fail. But I hope that explains why this plot is like so. *dies*
Constructive criticisms are greatly appreciated.
On another aside…
Please pray for the people here in Southeast Asia, experiencing calamity after calamity. Super typhoons, earthquakes and tsunamis, one could only wonder what would come next.