Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
The Male Kunoichi
Side note, it isn't some sort of gay, yaoi fic. It just occurs that well, the title will be self explanatory once you read.
Chapter 1 - "YOU DO IT!"
"So..." Tsunade growled. "What is the issue now?"
"Tsunade-sama, Naruto-baka, err,"
"I'm not stupid, Sakura-chan!" Naruto groused.
"I think we have the right to call you whatever we want, after what you put us through." Sasuke growled. "Dobe, grow a brain."
Said dobe squirmed, hoping to escape from the haphazard mess of ninja wire cocooning him. "Someone free me!"
"How about... no?" Sasuke snapped.
A perverted giggle wafted over from where Kakashi was seated, but it soon stopped when Tsunade cracked her knuckles.
"Can I just get my report?" Tsunade hissed, a tic growing on her forehead.
One Kakashi-shaped hole and a bit of paper work to authorize repairs later, Tsunade thought she had the whole story down pat.
Thought being the keyword.
According to the visibly displeased Haruno and a rather twitchy Uchiha, Naruto had, in his most infinite wisdom, thought that a bit of chaos in the middle of a mission was completely appropriate. Apparently he had launched off a stink/paint bomb hybrid at Tora the Cat WHILE his teammates were just about to grab it.
Suffice to say, Naruto was roasted and beat to an inch of his life. His cries of "The paint's water-base –ARGG!" had been most studiously ignored.
Naruto, however, painted a vastly different (and by the scandalized looks his teammates were shooting at him, most likely false) story. Apparently he had been a victim of a most tragic AND disheartening, not to mention dishonourable attack, and he thought he should retaliate. With EXTREME prejudice.
When questioned about the attack, he hemmed, he hawed, he groaned and no reply came out of his mouth. Sasuke, in a surprisingly innocuous display of camaraderie, quipped bitingly, "Dobe got attacked in the jewels by Tora."
Tsunade had to call upon her tremendous (read: none) self-discipline to stop herself from laughing.
"IT ISN'T FUNNY BAA-CHAN!" Naruto protested. "Unlike Mr. Gay here I'd like to have children one day!"
"Don't call Sasuke-kun gay!" Sakura shrieked. "He's manlier than you are!"
Sasuke was silent except for a very swift kick delivered to Naruto's posterior. "He's gunning for my ass, baa-chan! Save your cute little... err... Naruto-kun, uh, yeah!"
"There has already been a few complains of paedophilia directed at Konoha already, Naruto, so I certainly would appreciate it if you could just shut up." Tsunade's fingers twitched, ready for a sake bottle already. "Sakura? Stop beating him up. He is still your team mate, no matter what he has done. Although I might turn a blind eye to what occurs outside my office..."
The pink haired girl blushed in embarrassment, and stopped her hail of fists downwards on the immobilized blond Genin.
"Now scram!" Tsunade slammed her fist on her desk for emphasis, and Team 7 rushed out of the office, Naruto inching along like a worm before Sasuke unceremoniously delivered a helpful kick to the ribs of the blond.
Naruto wisely kept his mouth shut as he took a small flight courtesy of Uchiha Airlines, for Tsunade was looking for a chance to vent her irritation.
"So?" Kakashi prompted, each of them tucking their pay checks into their bags. "Let's make like a banana and split – see you tomorrow in the Tower at 07 00 hours. Ja ne!"
Disappearing in his customary plume of smoke, the still tied up Naruto attempted to beseech Sakura to free him, to no avail as she immediately followed behind the Uchiha.
"Man," Naruto groused. "Do I really need to do this myself? Kawarimi!"
A slightly (read: very) sleepy Naruto dragged himself from bed unwillingly, and in the process summoning Kage Bushin to help him get his morning rituals done. Elsewhere, Tsunade told a fuming Sasuke and Sakura to take a seat outside.
When the clock struck 8, Naruto was seated in front of Ichiraku's, enjoying a super large bowl of Miso Seafood Ramen.
He was in Tsunade's office promptly at 9, and unwittingly barrelled into his very apparently just-woke-from-bed Jounin instructor, who promptly turned into a wooden log.
"You're late, Naruto."
"I was here before you, ergo, I wasn't late, Kakashi-sensei!"
"Hmm..." Kakashi scratched his very crumpled face mask with a finger. "You're right. Come on, it's time for another mission."
Tsunade's head popped up behind the stacks of paperwork. In Naruto's opinion, she looked like someone fresh from sleep. However, he had already been ingrained about how dangerous such a comment was, and wisely kept his mouth shut.
"What is it now, brats?" Tsunade muttered.
"Mission, Hokage-sama." Kakashi quipped from behind his book.
"Hmm, I think I have a rather fitting one here somewhere..." Tsunade rummaged in a drawer unceremoniously, with the odd clinking of empty bottles adding to the noise. When nothing came up, the Godaime started dumping empty sake bottle by the dozens on the desk.
Sakura had the decency to look scandalized, while the (bored) collective faces of the Uchiha, Uzumaki and Hatake indicated that it was a ritual frequently partook.
"AND HERE IT (buried behind a 5 month old sake bottle) IS!" Tsunade held the scroll in triumph, and three quarters of Team 7 awarded her with scathing applause. Naruto's hands halted after spotting that rather evil grin on Tsunade's face, which always bode no well for him. Always.
"Right, this is a C-ranked mission to Tsuchi no Kuni ("Always wanted to check out the girls in Earth Country..." Kakashi drooled, before being punched by Sakura.) as an infiltration mission." Tsunade chucked the scroll towards Kakashi, hitting the Jounin who was in the foetal position on the head.
Kakashi opened the scroll, and was immediately sent flying with blood flowing freely down his nose. Naruto, his vast and boundless curiosity piqued, read the scroll, and stared, puzzled, at Sasuke. "What's so ecchi about this that even Kakashi-sensei, the man who reads Icha Icha without nosebleeds, is defeated?"
"Hn," Sasuke scanned the paper quickly. Behind him, Naruto was quickly forming some seals, causing Tsunade slight alarm. "Suiton : Suiryuudan!"
Kakashi was awoken by a fierce stream of water travelling at terminal velocity up his legs. Clutching his crotch in pain, he rolled into foetal position again.
Tsunade finally took pity on the long suffering Jounin, who was currently whimpering about "never again" and "god damn brats", and flicked a painkiller accurately into the Jounin's mouth.
Of course, it ended up hitting his mask, and said Jounin gagged when he found his mask being forced into his mouth partially by the pill.
One pill, a cup of water, a spool of wire later, Team 7 was waiting for the Hokage's briefing.
Well, for Naruto, waiting as good as a person being strung out of the window can.
"This mission is not a simple C-rank, mind you." Tsunade spoke. "I will admit to be astounded by how Kakashi has been impressed with this mission, given what this is, and what sort of material he likes to read... But I digress. To put it succinctly, the village has received intelligence from Daimyo-sama, who has especially requested for your team to handle this issue."
"Daimyo-sama? That explains it then, given how he is probably still smarting from his orange throne." Kakashi mused out loud. ("Don't diss the orange!" Naruto yelled from his position.)
"Orange throne...?" Tsunade's eyebrows rose. "I have no record of your team even being inside the Capital before."
"We passed by the capital on the way back from the Land of Snow before, Hokage-sama." Sakura reported. "Naruto took leave for two hours briefly, and came back with a very happy expression."
"I must say it's an impressive job for two hours worth of work. Daimyo-sama's defences are very thorough – even a Jounin would have difficulty infiltrating it in a day, much less two hours. But being that we're talking about the guy who repainted the interior of the AnBu's numerous interrogation rooms bright pink with green polka dot spots without being caught, I'm not surprised." Tsunade quirked an eyebrow. "I'm not sure if even I can pull the same thing off in two hours."
("AND that's why I'm the best – OUCH!" Naruto swung wildly, having been set off by a flying paperweight that whizzed past into the distance.)
"Back on track, apparently there will be a function of sorts in Tsuchi no Kuni's capital city Tsuchishi ("Amazing intellectuals they have there – OWW!") and the Daimyo has gained some reputable intelligence that the wife of the Tsuchikage and Raikage will be meeting there to discuss some sort of treaty. As you all know Iwa and Konoha aren't so chummy, what with the decimation of their forces in the Third War, and there's always the Hyuuga-Kumo incident, so in view of national interests your Team is to infiltrate said function and find out more." Tsunade groaned. "And apparently it's a female only function (Kakashi held a tissue to his nose to staunch the flow.) and well, one of you have to go."
"What about the other three, are we chopped liver?" Kakashi grasped his heart in mock hurt.
"The other three will standby and gather intelligence in the village." Tsunade spoke. "Preferably, as I will emphasis, GATHER intelligence, and not provoke them."
Sasuke stood with a scowl visible on his face, disbelieving at how absolutely retarded the mission was. Their team wasn't even specialised for anything the mission called for, for one. And that since it was a female event Sakura would be the principal in this case and it was apparent how capable she was. Kakashi whistled – Team 7 immediately understood that he wouldn't be doing any work, just reading. Sakura sighed – She was the only female. Ergo, she had to do everything. They were about to take the scroll and leave when Tsunade halted them.
"I haven't finished." Tsunade grinned, and even without being able to see her face, Naruto's hackles rose. "It appears that the meeting is a civilian one, and the few kunoichi that will be there are of Jounin calibre, so the presence of a Genin is a big no no. While not an accurate indicator, the most common measure of a shinobi's skill is by gauging chakra levels. Appearances, motions, etc, all can be faked. It is not particularly easy, but nor is it very hard. For a Jounin, that is." Kakashi nodded at the last bit, looking slightly sagely.
"So I'm out?" Sakura uttered hopefully, though somehow what dejected at being insulted, in a way.
"Why, happy, Sakura?" Kakashi chirped. "Perhaps you should fix this instead of throwing it around as though it is some astounding quantity."
Sakura immediately turned red, and Kakashi went to draw Naruto back into the room, carelessly jerking the wire up, as though he was an angler.
"So either Sasuke or Naruto, then? I'm far too well known to go incognito." Kakashi mused. "Sucks to be me, you know, what with me being famous and all."
"Hey, you could just Henge, you lazy bastard!" Naruto scowled, wriggling in his cocoon. "Kawarimi!"
An indignant and surprised Uchiha Sasuke found himself whisked into the technique, and replaced the dobe's place in the cocoon, and in his fluster his mental grasp of his emotions slackened, and he...
"Why is Sasuke-baka flopping around like a fish?"
Sasuke's astute mind immediately went back in high gear, and a plume of smoke and a couple of hand seals later, said Uzumaki was busy trying to "MY ASS IS ON FIRE! SOMEONE PUT OUT THE GODDAMN FIRE!"
A vengeful Hatake and another couple of hand seals later, Tsunade was pondering what'd happen if she just grabbed the whole lot and chucked them out of the window, absent mindedly summoning a cleaner.
"Now if the lot of you will just shut the hell up, I'd like to finish this briefing as fast as possible so I can do some of that continuously growing paperwork." Tsunade groaned. "They don't pay me enough for this shit..."
"YOU DO IT!" Naruto and Sasuke snarled.
Edit (28 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.