Life As a Habit

By Anjelik

Disclaimer – Nothing is mine…nor will it ever be…unless Santa will really outdo himself this year :-)

Warning – Thoughts of suicide and some possible ooc…depends on your view of Tony, really.

Dedication – I dedicate this story to secretchild….cause she's an awesome lady and her writing skills kick ass. I am almost embarrassed to publish this after reading her story, but what's done is done and can't be undone :P

Anthony DiNozzo looks like a very happy person.

With a million watt smile on his face, he sails through life as if everything was a grand party and he ate the biggest piece of cake. He wears expensive designer clothes, excels at sports and charms women with ease. The youngest Baltimore detective seems like he has it all.

He drives his mustang each night to the nearest cliff and contemplates stepping on the gas pedal and letting go.

Anthony DiNozzo is an accomplished liar, although he likes to call himself an actor.

But no movie lasts forever.

It's already dark when Tony parks his car a couple of feet away from the cliff's edge. He rolls down the window, letting the cold winter air bite his skin. Closing his eyes, he breathes in deeply, shivering slightly from the cold that seems to freeze his bones. "This is the day," he vows to himself silently," this time I won't chicken out. DiNozzos are no cowards." His hands grip the steering wheel painfully, his foot hovering over the gas pedal and he revels in the control he finally seems to have over some part of his life.

He could end his life right now and it would be his decision alone. Nobody to take the credit , just him. How would everyone react when finding out about his suicide? He would so pay to see their faces, to see them realize that they haven't had him all figured out, like they wanted to think.

His latest girlfriend would probably make the best of it and describe their affair as a tragic tale of love found and love lost, which would lead to her being the centre of attention, just like she likes it. That's what he gets for sleeping with a soap opera actress with a drama queen complex. The chief would probably say some heartbreaking words about young life ending too soon. The story would be sugarcoated with tales of his remarkable achievements and dedication to work, which is all a load of bull. The man just likes to hear the sound of his own voice. Of course, he is going to be a little bit surprised that the always smiling detective outsmarted them all and let them believe in his false persona, but his hurt pride would recover in no time. His partner is probably going to end up in a bar, playing the 'losing my right-hand man and friend' card and drinking till' he can't stand on his own two legs anymore, just like he does everyday, except this time, he may feel better about himself, it was due to grief, after all.

And his father? He's probably going to come with fake tears in his eyes and tv reporters trailing close behind. Anthony DiNozzo Sr. was always one for keeping appearances and using every situation to his advantage. Losing his only son just might be the best thing to happen to him this year. Of course, his death will have to be declared accidental first, suicide is such an ugly word to be associated with his family. It's not like this will be the first time, either. His mother made sure of that.

"I'll be laughing my ass off in hell at your performance, dad," Tony whispers to himself, stressing the word dad, as he was never officially allowed to call the older DiNozzo that. It was always father or sir when he was in an extremely bad mood.

He tightens his hold on the steering wheel and looks ahead into the dark night. The stars are visile, shining brightly in the dark.

"Feeling poetic tonight, DiNozzo?" he laughed out loud, he really is going crazy, talking to himself.

Reaching into his pocket he withdraws his cell phone and looks at it for a moment. Making his decision, he quickly dials the one number he spent hours agonizing over, but never actually had the guts to call. He listens as the phone rings before a gruff voice answers, "Anthony DiNozzo."

Tony sucks in a breath and forces his voice to sound steady and strong .Self-assured.

"Hello dad," no reason to obey his rules now.

He is greeted with silence lasting a couple of seconds and stretching into eternity in Tony's mind, before his father seems to get his bearings and replies, "Anthony, what do I owe this surprise to?" his voice is cold and hard, sending chills up and down Tony's body, just like it did when he was still a child.

"Just calling to say hi, you never know, something could happen…" Even though he knew this wouldn't change a thing, he couldn't help but wish for his father to show even the slightest hint of concern, anything that would mean he isn't worthless and unimportant in his father's eyes. Anything that would mean his death will mean something…to someone. He doesn't want to be just the subject of a newspaper article the next day, nor just part of the suicide rate statistic. He wants to be the tragically lost son and friend.

"I am a busy man, Anthony, something you in your line of work may find hard to understand, and I don't have time for this nonsense."

"I just want-" he is met with the dial tone and it takes him a couple of seconds to understand his father hung up on him .Just like that. After not speaking in almost 10 years .

Tears well up in Tony's eyes but he refuses to let them go. DiNozzo's do not cry. Not over losing something that was never even there before.

"I just wanted to tell you, how much I hate what you've made me become," he continues the imaginary conversation, "I hate how you screwed with my mind and made me believe I was worthless and only good for mixing your drinks. I hate how you drove mother to take those damn pills." His breathing is ragged as he continues to hold onto his emotions.

"And most of all I hate you for…for making me believe that I am the reason for all of this."

He spends the next couple of minutes just breathing, in and out, in and out, all the while looking at the stars through the tears still clouding his vision. A falling star grabs his attention and he follows her descend with his green eyes until she disappears into the night. Before he even has time to think about it, he is making a wish. With both his hands squeezing the steering wheel and eyes shut tight, he wishes for something…something to give meaning to his life, he wishes to wake up in the morning with a smile on his face instead of tear marks and a scream stuck in his throat, he wishes for less acting and more living, for people who care about him, not just the idea of him. He wishes to be number one in someone's heart and for his wishes to stop being just wishes.

And as he opens his eyes he decides to give it one more day. Yesterday's determination didn't help, maybe today's star will make a difference. If not, there's always tomorrow night. He starts his car and drives home for the night.

The next day he meets Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

The falling star just may have helped.

Anthony DiNozzo looks like a very happy person.

And he just might really be one this time.

The End

Review anyone? You'll make my day!:)

Sorry if I made some grammar mistakes…I tend to get carried away when writing and some things may slip…

Till' next time!