I got mah first hatemail from chapter 5! :D
Since he put a lot of effort into that hatemail, I will answer it right at the top.
But since haters don't deserve that much attention, as usual I will respond to a much more worthy person first, and it will be earthdude, the first person to leave a review that had some substance: hmm, I was actually going for exaggerations of their canon personalities... well, except for Naruto and Jiraiya I guess, but they're both already ridiculous. Then again I haven't had any Sakura or other canon char moments for a bit now, so I haven't had any opportunities to write in those exaggerations...
Now for the hater who fittingly named himself "basher."
Where to begin? I could respond in a humorous manner, or an angry manner, but too much time has passed and the passion has faded. Let me just say that I could tear your argument to pieces. But you don't deserve that much attention. So let me just say this, you grammatically challenged little troll: Fuck. You. I didn't write this fic for you, so I'm sorry what you wanted to happen didn't happen.
Have a nice day.
That was only for my first hater, a special occasion one might say. Don't bother leaving hateful comments purely to get a response, it won't happen again. But hey, I could always use a laugh!
Degrees of Virginity
"Hey, Ero-sennin-" Naruto began to speak.
"Still calling me that? Well I guess I owe you. What is it?" Jiraiya replied, looking back at Naruto. They were currently making the long trek home with Jiraiya in the lead. Naruto didn't appreciate the reminder of his murderous rampage, but decided to ignore it for now.
"We aren't taking the same route back are we?" Naruto asked.
"Not exactly, why?"
"Can we make a detour back through one of the towns we passed on the way out?"
"Oh?" Jiraiya grinned. "Now that you're older you want to 'meet up' with someone you met?" he asked with a chuckle.
"Wh-what? No! It's not like that!" Naruto's face burned red at the suggestion.
"Ah, but there is someone? Someone of the female persuasion?" Jiraiya bobbed his eyebrows up and down, clearly amused at Naruto's reaction.
"Well... yeah." Naruto couldn't meet the older man's gaze at the moment.
"You'd think after listening to me for over two years you'd be immune to embarrassment," the Kyuubi spoke up.
"Guh... don't remind me."
"Want me to list the female anatomy again?"
"I don't even want to know how you knew all that."
"Hello! Ages old demon here! How many times do I have to remind you. I can read too. Well, maybe I shouldn't say 'too,' that suggests you ca-"
"I know how to read dammit! You've seen me do it! And you honestly expect me to believe you read an anatomy text book?"
"I could have, you never know!"
"I doubt it."
"All right Naruto, we can make your detour. What town was it?" Jiraiya, thankfully, interrupted the telepathic transgression against Naruto's sanity.
. . .
"So, let's review shall we?" the Kyuubi spoke up as they neared the town Naruto had asked to detour into.
"I don't think I want to," Naruto replied.
"You don't even know what I want to review!"
"You want to convince me to do it with Tomiko."
"OK, they way I see it that girl was 14 or 15 and well on her way to being a C-cup. Over a year later now she can only have matured. You don't get titties like that at that age if you aren't destined for even greater things! Things like a D-cup or the coveted double Ds!" the Kyuubi's perverted chuckle made Naruto shiver a little.
"N-no way! She'd still be too young to be that big!"
"Yeah, but she could be in the upper echelon of Cs!"
"She rivals Hinata, but she has some semblance of a spine! FUCK HER BRAINS OUT!"
"No!" Naruto winced at the mental pressure of the Kyuubi's shout.
"Oh come on!"
"Yeah. Oh come on, you can't tell me you didn't notice her rack. She was up there even when she was twelve. That's fucking impressive."
"I'm a demon, I'm exempt from those rules."
"Wh-what? Ugh, I don't want you in my head anymore."
"Oh calm down. I can't fuck any children from in your head, and even if I wasn't in here I'm bigger than most buildings; it's physically impossible for me to have se-"
". . . are you gonna finish that sentence?"
"SON OF A FUCKING WHORE I CAN'T HAVE SEX!" This time Naruto physically winced at the Kyuubi's shocked and enraged roar.
"Just figuring that out?"
"Go to hell you cumguzzling cocksmith."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means you like penis. Lots of penis. In your mouth," the Kyuubi's explanation came in the form of a deep, throaty growl as it was still brooding over its realization of its sexual capabilities... or lack-thereof.
"If you're not meant to have sex then why would you care that you can't? You shouldn't even have the desire!" Naruto argued.
"It's from being sealed in humans all these years! You fuckers are like rabbits, always humping! It's rubbed off on me. Ugh, my last host was a woman. I'm surprised I'm not badgering you to take it up the ass."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whooooaaa!"
"Oh woe is you?"
"WHOA! What the hell? Previous host?"
"What? Feeling less special all of a sudden?"
"Why wasn't I told any of this?" Naruto shouted.
"I'm a murderous demon who kills indiscriminately. If I'd been running loose all those hundreds of years there wouldn't be much left."
"Your mom," the Kyuubi responded bluntly.
"WHAT? Bullshit, nice try."
"Just fucking tell me! This is important!"
"No, it's not! The last host is dead, the host before that is dead, and so on! You don't live through having a demon in you! Either you get old and they take it out right before you die, and then you die, or they take it out and you... well... die," the Kyuubi explained. "Knowing who it was won't matter."
"Ugh, fine, but this isn't over!" Naruto knew the Kyuubi wasn't going to give him a straight answer. Maybe he'd ask Jiraiya.
"Now, I've decided that I'm going to take over your body and plow Tomiko for you. That way I can have sex. I've never been in control during the act, it should be interesting."
"What the hell? No way! No! I won't let you!"
"Then do it yourself. I've never been this level of conscious before, so either way I'll still get more out of it. I want to know if this sex stuff is as good as everyone says."
"Wait a minute."
"You're totally a virgin."
"Oh... fuck... you."
"Ha! You just said you've never done it!"
"My hosts have! I'm less of a virgin than you are!"
"Virgin, virgin, virgin!" Naruto cackled mentally, feeling superior.
"I know what a vagina feels like, and you don't."
"Grrr..." Naruto suddenly smirked though. "So wait. Your last host was female right?"
"You were on the receiving end."
". . ."
"I believe that is accurate, right?"
" . . ."
"I will seven you so fucking hard." The Kyuubi was of course referring to the genjutsu ability of its seventh tail.
"H-hey... that's too far! I-I'm sorry!" Naruto remembered the last time the Kyuubi had released all of its killing intent at once. He had no desire to relive it when the Kyuubi was even more pissed off.
. . .
"So, do you remember where she lived?" Naruto asked the Kyuubi.
"Meh. Yeah. What, you don't?" it replied.
"It's been a while, the place looks a little different."
"Real romantic, forgetting where the girl lives. I am disappoint."
"What? Disappoint? That's not how you talk!"
"I'm bored, trying new things. Your head is about as fun as a blank chalkboard with no chalk."
"Again with this?"
"Oh hey, you know what you can do with a chalkboard?"
"GAH! WHAT THE FUCK?" Even in the real world, Naruto flinched and covered his ears. Fortunately he'd left Jiraiya in a hotel so there was no-one to witness his antics.
"Nails on a chalkboard! Ha! Sweet, I didn't know I could do that!"
"Well don't do it aga-"
"FUCKING QUIT IT!"
". . ."
". . ."
"You are such an a-"
. . .
"Well kit, here we are!"
". . ."
"Still angry are we?"
". . ."
"Just go knock on the damn door."
The Kyuubi had finally directed him to Tomiko's house. As the Kyuubi suggested he went to the door and knocked. After a moment a woman of about 20 opened the door. To be specific, a very attractive, curvacious, woman with long dark hair and tightly fitted outfit.
"Family? Oh do I see good things for the future."
"Who are you?" The young woman asked.
"Err, my names Naruto. Uh, is Tomiko here?" It took everything Naruto had to keep from outright stuttering in the face of this voluptuous beauty.
"What do you want with my sister?"
"This bitch better not have soaked up all the big breast genes! Though, worst case scenario we can always just bang this one instead."
"I thought you said her breasts were already good?"
"For a 14 year old. If the rest of her grows and the tits stay the same, that's boring!"
"Wait, are you a ninja?" Tomiko's sister stared at his headband.
"Oh, yeah." Naruto nodded.
"You're not here to assassinate my sister are you?"
"What kind of ninja uses the front door for that?"
"What kind of ninja uses the front door for that?" Naruto repeated out loud. "HEY! Did you just make me say that?"
"Huh, good point. Now answer my other question," Tomiko's sister ordered.
"Shit, I forgot what it was!" Naruto panicked on the inside.
"Why are you here for Tomiko," the Kyuubi grumbled. He was probably "disappoint" again.
"Oh right, I met her about a year ago when I passed through, and I promised I'd stop by again on my way back home."
"Huh, works for me. I guess someone as cute as you can't be all that bad," Tomiko's sister winked at him. That earned a blush from Naruto.
"Boom! Finally got to use that one!"
". . . tail five?"
"Yep! Guess what we're doing later tonight!"
"You are so boring."
"TOMIKO! COMPANY!" said girl's sister called at the top of her lungs. A moment later it sounded like a herd of animals charging down the stairs and Tomiko flew into the room.
"I KNEW IT!" The girl charged past her taller sister and tackled Naruto.
"It's just a hug."
"You're about to poke her. You know... with that down there."
"H-HEY!" Naruto realized the Kyuubi was speaking of his slowly growing erection. He was a 15 year old boy who rarely came into contact with women. He couldn't help it.
"Not my fault."
"You can make me talk, can't you... you know... stop it?"
"DAMMIT!" Naruto returned his attention to the outside world. "I uhh, guess you missed me?"
"Just figuring that out? Well I'll leave you two here. Try not to do it on our doorstep, OK sis?" Tomiko's older sister chuckled and went back inside. On the bright side, this embarrassed Tomiko into letting go, avoiding an awkward situation. Well, so long as she didn't pay too much attention to his crotch.
"I'll never understand you humans. That sounds like a good thing to do if you ask me. Take her pants off right now!"
"No..." Naruto hated how he had to hide the emotions that the Kyuubi gave him. Sometimes he just wanted to face-palm, but he couldn't without confusing people like Tomiko.
"Err, sorry about my sister. I wish I'd been the one to open the door," Tomiko said, her face a deep shade of red.
"It's fine, I've dealt with way more embarrassing things," Naruto laughed. "I'll probably forget about it before the day is over."
"Is it me? You're talking about me aren't you? Awkward..."
". . . hilarious. . ."
"And that's all that matters!"
"Really? I guess that's a relief," Tomiko spoke uncertainly, but laughed. She'd changed a bit since they last met. Her dark chestnut hair, matching her dark brown eyes, was shorter and tied up and she was a bit taller, though Naruto had gotten much taller himself and was still taller than her.
"While you're looking her over, don't forget the chest. Definitely Cs at this point! Score!" The Kyuubi of course couldn't pass up mentioning that. And now Naruto had to focus on keeping himself from looking. He did, however, still end up noticing her outfit. Her shirt was a simple, black t-shirt that didn't reveal anything it shouldn't, something he was surprised the Kyuubi wasn't bitching about, though it did hug her form tightly. Her bottom was a long skirt that went past her knees, and her feet were bare. Something about the way she looked made Naruto's heart rate pick up. She was a girl, nothing new there, but something about her just screamed out at him "I. Am. A. Girl." He felt his heart start beating a bit faster.
"So, I'm here like I promised. Uhh... not sure what to do now, to be honest." He chuckled nervously and scratched the back of his head.
"No." Naruto had seen that one coming.
"Umm, I'm not really busy right now. Let me put something on my feet... are you hungry?" Tomiko asked.
"Always!" Naruto grinned. Good, food, that would take his mind off of whatever he was suddenly feeling.
"For her I hope."
"What? I'm not going to eat her!"
"Ahhh, you still have much to learn. You can indeed eat a woman... if you know what I mean."
"I'll educate you later."
"Awesome..." He wasn't looking forward to that talk.
. . .
They ended up at a small restaurant and before long had food in front of them. Tomiko was being strangely silent, and Naruto wondered if he was doing something wrong. The silence ended quite suddenly before he could decide on what to do.
"I'm sorry!" Tomiko blurted out.
"H-huh?" Naruto was confused. What was she apologizing for?
"You stopped talking. It's because I hugged you like that isn't it? I'm so stupid, I'm lucky you even came back after I kissed you. I'm such an idiot!" Tomiko buried her face in her hands. She looked ready to cry.
"Great job, Romeo."
"I didn't do anything!"
"You're the idiot." Naruto decided to ignore the Kyuubi until he could calm Tomiko down.
"No, no, no! You weren't talking either, I... umm..." Great, now he felt like he was blaming her. "I mean, no. Uhhh. It's fine, I'm just really, really bad at this." He laughed nervously. Well, this wasn't awkward at all.
"Wh-what?" Tomiko looked up, her face red from a tumultuous storm of emotions.
"The hug didn't bother me at all, don't worry about it," Naruto told her with a grin. "I'm not talking because I didn't really think ahead to what I should do when I actually got here."
"Oh." Tomiko seemed to calm down.
"So why did you want me to come back anyway? We didn't really get to know each other very well last time."
"That's exactly why! I-I-I liked you, b-but I didn't even get a chance to really talk to you. I wanted another chance," her voice shrunk the more she spoke until she looked ready to crawl under a rock and hide.
"Is she OK?"
"She admitted she liked you that way you fucking dolt. She's embarrassed. For fucks sake I'm a murderous demon and I'm better at understanding your own species than you!"
"Oh," he responded, deciding to discount the insults. "Oh... OH!"
"Fucking idiot! She kissed you, this isn't big news!"
"I'm going to kill myself, I swear."
"Whatever floats your boat."
"So uhh, do you still like me? It's been a while." If there was an easy way out of thi-
"Y-yeah... I know it must sound stupid. I mean half the things I like about you are probably just stupid things from fantasizing-" Naruto saw her face turn so red he thought she was going to pop from a blood pressure spike.
"Fantasizing? You don't say. I wonder how far she got."
"First base is kissing, second base is touching, third base is sucking, fourth base is fucking."
". . ." It took everything in Naruto's power not to freak out on the spot. Between Tomiko and the Kyuubi he was having trouble keeping himself calm at this point.
"F-fantasizing?" Naruto asked out loud.
"I can't believe I said that!" Tomiko slammed her head down on the table, narrowly avoiding her food and earning stares from other customers.
"I take back killing myself, this is fucking amazing."
"You're a dick."
"I think I'm also the only one having fun here. Being a dick has its perks. Heh. Dick. Perks..."
And that was basically set the mood for the rest of their time in the restaurant. Horribly, horribly awkward.
. . .
"Are you OK?" Naruto asked Tomiko as they walked aimlessly down the streets of the small town. Tomiko was currently staring fixedly at her feet.
"No. I'm making a mess of everything. I waited over a year and I've ruined everything. You must hate me for wasting your time." Tomiko sniffled and wiped her eyes. Naruto realized that with the way she'd been holding her head he hadn't been able to see, but she was crying.
"H-hey, don't cry! You wanted me to come back and visit and I'm here! I don't hate you, you haven't done anything wrong!" Naruto tried to reassure her.
"R-really?" She stopped walking and looked up at him, eyes red and swollen and lip quivering.
"Yeah, no way I could hate you just because you said a few things on accident. Hell, I've said way stupider things!" He chuckled. He was then tackled in a massive hug and Tomiko buried her face in his chest and started crying again. "Uhh..."
"Hug her back."
"HUG HER BACK YOU RIDICULOUS, FUCKING TWAT!"
If only out of fear of the Kyuubi, Naruto awkwardly put his arms around Tomiko. He wondered if it was a bad idea, because she seemed to start shuddering from crying more. He patted her on the head with one hand to try and calm her down, instinct suggesting how he might handle the situation.
Finally she stopped and pulled away, smiling a little, though her face was red and tear streaked. Without warning she started giggling uncontrollably. It was almost unbearably cute to watch and Naruto felt himself blushing.
"I can't believe it but I think that's all I wanted to have happen," Toimko said after she regained control of herself.
"But... you already hugged me." Naruto didn't get it.
"Yeah, but this time you hugged back."
"Oh." He supposed that made sense. He didn't expect Tomiko to then move closer to him again, this time she was moving to kiss him, but didn't go all the way.
"OK, now kiss her."
"KISS HER YO-"
"NO! SHUT UP!"
Naruto had to calm himself down so that he could handle this gently. He placed his hands on Tomiko's shoulders, causing her to blush in anticipation. Unfortunately for her he then pushed her away. Her eyes opened and it almost physically hurt to see the disappointment in her eyes.
"I'm sorry, but I already have a girl I like," Naruto decided to just go ahead and say it.
"B-but what about when I kissed you? A-and then you said you'd come back! Y-"
"You caught me off guard that time. The situation was the same back th-"
"YOU LED ME ON! I can't believe this!" Tomiko looked ready to start crying again.
"Ugh, you suck at this. Seriously."
"I-I'm sorry, like I said I'm bad at this. I was trying to be nice!" Naruto tried to talk his way out of it.
"Nice? You call this nice? Wasting a year of my life is nice?" She raised a hand to slap him but then just slumped over in defeat. "J-just leave me alone. Go away forever!"
"Go!" Tomiko sobbed, but then made it easy for him and ran away herself.
"Well, you made a royal fuckin' mess of that."
"Mock me, insult me, I deserve it. Free shot."
"Pfft, it's boring if you say that. No, kit, if you want punishment I'll just be quiet and let you mull this one over. You'll tear yourself to pieces just fine on your own."
The Kyuubi was right. He was quite capable of making himself feel like shit.
. . .
"Whoa! Damn kid, I'm surprised your raincloud can fit in this room. What the hell happened?" Jiraiya asked. Apparently Naruto's depression was fairly obvious.
"Hmph. Are you just a pervert or do you actually know anything about girls?" Naruto gave Jiraiya a neutral look.
"And now it's gotten cold." Jiraiyia gave a mock shiver. "Well, I'm over fifty years old, I reckon I know a thing or two. Shoot."
"I think I led a girl on accidentally. How do I fix it?"
"You can't. If you're depressed, then obviously things have already blown up and her feelings have been hurt. You can try to go after her and apologize, but being around her will just be painful. It's best to stay away and let her forget."
"What? Just like that? Run away and leave it?"
"Sometimes that's all you can do." Jiraiya gave him a pitying look.
"You feel guilty? It hurts for you too? Look, you can't focus on how you feel. That's just selfish. If you really messed up, then this is what goes with it. Learn and do better next time for your sake and whatever girl you go after next's sake."
"Even then, it still feels wrong to leave it like this. I did something wrong!" Naruto let his face fall into his hands. "I don't suppose you know anything?"
"Why would I want to help you?"
"Right. Sorry I asked."
"Not like I can be interested anymore. You're not getting in bed with her, and if her sister's found out, she won't touch you most likely. Oh, also if her teacher at the dojo finds out, your testicles might soon be on the chopping block. Almost forgot about that one."
"Ugh." Naruto had forgotten about that threat too.
"Yeah, you pretty much fucked everything up."
. . .
In the end he decided to go with what Jiraiya had said and leave things be. There was still daylight left, so Jiraiya took pity on Naruto and decided to check out early, taking the early checkout fee and getting out.
"Go on ahead, I'll catch up," Jiraiya said and waved Naruto off. Naruto shrugged and headed for the road. He found someone in his way before he could get out of the town.
"I... didn't see this coming."
". . .why?"
"Tomiko, what are yo-"
"Would you believe a frog told me to come here?" It was indeed Tomiko. It had only been a few hours, and her eyes were still red and puffy.
"Clever old bastard..."
"Actually, they're toads," Naruto corrected awkwardly.
"So? Do you actually have anything to say, or was the 'toad' lying?" She crossed her arms.
"I'm sorry! Really, I didn't want to hurt you!" Naruto thought he might cry this time so filled with guilt he was. He'd never hurt someone like this before, it was new and extremely painful for him. He also had no idea how to deal with it.
"I know," Tomiko mumbled so quietly he barely heard it.
"You're too nice to have done it on purpose. I-I just hate it! I really did waste a year on you! I want to blame someone, I don't want to blame myself!" Tomiko shouted at him.
"Then blame me. On purpose or not it's still my fault!" Naruto told her. "Blame me, hate me all you want. I can take it, I just want you to be able to move on."
"I'd totally respect you right now if I didn't hate this sappy bullshit."
"It's not that easy!" Tomiko shook her head. "I can't just snap my fingers and move on."
"Well, there must be someone else you're interested in." He could hope, couldn't he?
"Not really." Dammit. "Well..." Oh? "There is this guy, but he's the one interested in me. He's a huge jerk, and a coward, and his father is a borderline rapist, but he was too drunk to actually pull it off."
"Err, is the guy as bad as his dad?" Naruto certainly didn't want her near anyone like that.
"No. He's just rude and pushy. But at the same time he knows better than to mess with me. Hell, half the girls at the dojo are single because they're so intimidating."
"Whoa, hold it. The whole 'let's fix the guy' thing doesn't work. The girl just ends up worse off and beaten up. Don't suggest it! Or do, I don't really care actually."
"- maybe he just needs someone to talk to? I'm not saying date him and try to fix him, but maybe he's not as bad as he seems? I mean, I kinda know what it's like to have a crappy life."
"I guess I can at least talk to him." Tomiko sighed. "He's not like you though. He's not as good. It's a total downgrade!"
"Well if he really is that big of a jerk then ignore him! Just give him a chance to prove himself one way or another. Be careful though, I don't want you to get hurt because I don't know what I'm talking about." Naruto laughed awkwardly. Awkward seemed to be the norm when talking to Tomiko though.
"Yeah, all right. Thanks for talking to me again." Tomiko sighed and took a step towards him, staring at the ground now.
"She wants a hug."
"How do you know?"
"Because it's obvious?"
"Not to me! Are you sure?"
"I'm sure, you're just an oblivious moron. It's like how you didn't notice Hinata's breasts, or how she practically had a seizure every time she talked to you because she has a massive hard-on for you. Well, girls don't get hard-ons, but whatever. Point is you didn't notice."
"Wh... wait, Hinata?"
"Yes. Hinata. Now hug the bitch in front of you and let's get the fuck out of this shit-hole town."
Naruto decided to take his advice, and awkwardly moved towards Tomiko. The Kyuubi turned out to be right because as he got closer he could tell by her body language that she did indeed want another hug. He gently put his arms around her and gave her a squeeze.
"Hey, I could always visit again and make sure this guy you're talking about isn't giving you any trouble. I don't have many friends, so if you can still stand the sight of me..." Naruto let the sentence trail off hopefully.
"Um, sure, I guess," Tomiko replied as they pulled apart. "I guess you're probably leaving now though, so you should get going, I don't want to hold you up. I need time to think anyway."
"OK now she wants a kiss."
"OK. Bye." Tomiko didn't respond, but smiled and walked away. One might say her steps seemed a little lighter.
. . .
"So, you ready to leave?" Jiraiya asked with a curious look on his face.
"Yeah." Naruto gave a weak smile. He wasn't in a good mood necessarily, but he was happy he'd at least resolved things as best he could. He could leave with a clean conscience.
"Yeah, I'm real happy for you. Virgin."
"Right back at you."
"Fuck my life..."
And so the Tomiko sub-plot is resolved. I'm sure that's not what some of you were hoping for, but there was some interesting Kyuubi banter in this chapter so that should keep you content. Also, I don't think it's any secret, soon he'll be getting reunited with Sakura! I can see the chaos now, the Kyuubi won't be able to keep its filthy mouth shut!
kwak73: True enough about Sasuke, though Kishimoto didn't originally intend for Sasuke to be a character. I personally find it annoying that Sasuke ended up being so prevalent despite that. And I'm not hating on Sasuke. The Kyuubi is a raging asshole, he's going to hate on EVERYONE. I notice the "Sakura hate" doesn't seem to bother you. Aside from the Kyuubi, I don't really know that I've bashed on Sasuke, and the Kyuubi doesn't count.
I'm glad that you enjoy it otherwise.
Ergolamia: Stop kissing my ass. Haha. Glad someone else appreciates Sakura.
And maybe I should cut back, if you lose too many limbs you won't be able to operate your computer enough to read my fic. Glad you're having fun.
Everyone else: Thanks! Glad you're enjoying it!
AND MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS BITCHES!
Or happy Hanukkah... or Kwanza...
Being socially conscious is hard...
Til' next time!