So after seeing 5.04, I knew I had to write some angsty past!Dean/future!Cas…so here it is. ^^ Been working on this on and off most of the day…largely inspired by this (amazing)song:
I'm just here searching for a clue
Hoping that I might find one thing that's true
In the wreckage maybe something I can save
I can still taste the first sweet kiss that you gave me
Way back when
And why do I keep holdin' on
To what I know is wrong
And everything keeps movin' on
Everything but me and you
-The Wreckage, Will Hoge
It was a mark of how crazy the future had gotten that so far, the most stable thing he'd found was Cas. Sure, he was fucked to hell but he wasn't cruel or rusting or…
There was a battle in Detroit. Heard Sam didn't make it.
He swallowed, shoved the thought violently back until he'd blocked it out. If he gave it any more thought, he'd be sick. As it was, he desperately needed to get away from himself for awhile. Literally, in this case. Future Dean was disturbing him more practically every time the man opened his mouth, and he needed to get away from him for just a little while, just enough to clear his head a bit. Or, at least to fill it with fresh concerns. Cas was a whole other mess unto himself, but he was still Cas.
He was almost at the door when he heard voices and he stopped, waiting.
"-don't need to worry about it, plenty of other people to send. I'm not even going. Now can we be done talkin'? That's not what I came here for." His heart jolted at the sound of his own voice and he just kept from jumping, couldn't resist edging slowly closer to the door.
"Of course it isn't." He moved just close enough that he could see them at an angle through the beads, mostly hidden around the corner. They weren't paying attention to him anyway. Cas was looking up at him with goddamn sex eyes, his hands curling around the collar of the other Dean's jacket. He leaned up, brought his lips to align with Dean's.
For the first time, here was something he mostly recognized. He was a little looser, his body slipping more easily into movements that just screamed seduction, but the kiss, that looked familiar. Gentle and loving, and Dean could see the familiar way the grip of his hands tightened against the fabric. Yeah, this he knew. He should've known; the way Cas kissed him wasn't something that would ever change. A hot burst of jealousy sparked in his chest, and he clenched his teeth, wanted to laugh. Ridiculous, being jealous of himself. Really, he should go. Even if it was himself, with Cas, that was personal. Not something anyone should be watching, even him. It was a relief, honestly, to see that even after everything else, they still at least had this.
Or, so he thought, for about 5 seconds. Then Dean was responding, shoving Cas too rough up against the wall. He broke the kiss, yanked the shirt up and over his head before pushing back on him even harder, mouth coming down on his again, hard and bruising. When he pulled away there was blood trickling from his lower lip. If that other version of him in there noticed, he certainly didn't show it. He trailed his lips down, biting and sucking and Cas was whimpering, but it was all wrong. His eyes were squeezed shut, and though he kept his hands on Dean's shoulders they were still, resting there without really touching.
He should've left, God he should've left but at this point he wasn't sure he could look away. Even if he already knew he didn't want to see where this was going. He eased just a little closer instead, magnetically drawn, caught the way Cas gasped in something that looked far too much like pain as Dean bit down hard against his collarbone, shoving one hand between them to grope roughly between his legs.
He had Cas' pants down quick, pulled back enough to yank his own jeans just open enough to pull himself out. Cas' eyes darted down and he licked his lips, gave Dean a grin that looked far too hollow before he fell to his knees, sucking him down in one move. Cas gave amazing blowjobs, he knew that much. He liked to talk to him while Cas had his mouth him, drag his fingers through his hair and tell him how fucking good that felt, feel Cas moan around him as he listened.
This Dean did none of that. He gripped the back of his head hard, grunted and thrust into his mouth in short, jerky moves, rough enough that he could tell it was all Cas could do not to choke. Dean gripped the doorframe, felt like it should've been splintering under his hand with everything it took him to reign in the urge to storm in there and give himself a good hard punch. Or a dozen.
It wasn't long before Dean yanked Cas to his feet, gripped his wrist hard and twisted his left arm behind his back, used it to push him up against the wall. He rubbed up against him, nuzzled his neck. It was the closest he'd come to gentle or even anything approaching decent since Dean had been watching.
He put his lips to his ear, whispered something that Dean couldn't hear from outside and Cas nodded, moaning a little as Dean caught his lips in another rough kiss. He watched himself turn his head enough to lick his own fingers, cursory. His face was cold, no sign of even lust much less any other emotion. He positioned himself, shoved Cas hard against the wall, kept a tight grip on his wrist as he thrust one finger in, barely gave him a second to adjust before he was pulling that hand away and pushing in.
Cas' breath caught, and after a second's pause he moaned with a sound that rang more of obedience than pleasure. It didn't last long. Dean rutted into him with something just on the edge of violence, and though he kept his lips to his ear, whispering to him, nothing about it was intimate. It was quick and dirty and more goddamned rough than he would've ever been with a one night stand even if he was drunk off his ass. When he finished he pulled out quick, ignored the way Cas winced. He tucked himself back in, zipped up his pants and rubbed Cas' back almost gently. It was shocking in contrast, and though the rest of it had been wrong this part felt like the lie.
He dipped his head, kissed a bruise on Cas' shoulder. "Thanks, Cas."
Cas smiled, leaned back into Dean's touch. "Of course, Dean."
Without another word, without even pulling Cas' pants back up from him or even fucking caring that he clearly hadn't gotten off, he turned to leave.
Outside, Dean registered that almost too late, backing up and ducking around the corner, though he knew it wouldn't be enough. This was himself he was trying to evade after all. His future self smirked at him, his eyebrows rising slightly. "Voyeur, are we? Yeah, guess we've gotten off on that before." He let out a rough laugh, shook his head. "Gotten off on a lot of-"
Dean surged forward, heard the sound of his fist connecting with his own jaw and belatedly realized how fucked up it was to actually hit yourself. Future Dean turned back to face him, rubbed his jaw with one hand before punching back harder, following up with a shove that had him against the wall. "What gives you the right to judge me, huh? You haven't been here, you don't know what we've-"
"Oh I can judge this, cause I know for a fact I would never do that to him." His voice shook with rage and he shoved back on his own shoulders, hard enough to shake him loose and step away from the wall. "Ever. So I don't know who the fuck you are, but I'm gonna stop this. I am not gonna be you."
"Well, you go right ahead and try. Hell I agree with you, things shouldn't've turned out this way. But this? It's just sex. Nothing we haven't done be-"
This time, he pushed forward, shoved himself back against the railing. "You were just this side of raping him and you think this is alright? What the hell happened between us, huh?"
He let out a sharp laugh, looked away. "This is what it looks like. Armageddon. This is what things become. What we become. How we deal."
"You bastard, you-"
"Don't get so bent out of shape, he still likes it. Trust me." He pushed back, hard enough to break the hold and get himself free. "Go ask him for yourself. I have things to do."
He clenched his fists, swallowed back the rage and the urge to punch himself again. It wouldn't do any good. He turned, brushed quick through the beads and stepped inside, his eyes casting around before they found Cas on the edge of the bed. There was a smile on his face, slight and broken.
"How long have you been out there?"
He licked his lips, his mouth suddenly dry, and he moved just a little closer. "Long enough." He couldn't resist, stepped all the way in and crouched down in front of him, brought his hand up to brush his thumb against the slice in Cas' lip. "God, I'm sorry. He…I hurt you."
"I have pills for that." His grin widened at first, faded when he saw that wasn't something Dean took as good news. "It's alright, really. I'm used to him."
"Dammit, Cas, no one should ever be used to being treated like that!"
Cas laughed, leaned forward to take Dean's face in his hands, thumbs brushing up against his cheeks. "I'd almost forgotten." The words came out soft, just a little slurred. "You used to be so righteous. Such very clear ideas of right and wrong." He smiled, cocked his head. "He didn't do anything to me I didn't want, Dean. I promise."
Dean brought his right hand to his cheek to catch Cas' left, pulled it down gently. Just like he'd known there would be, a dark bruise ringed his wrist. He met Cas' eyes, all seriousness. "You tellin' me you wanted this?"
He was still smiling, though he looked away as he tugged his arm out of Dean's grip. "You can't be too hard on yourself, Dean. You've been through a lot. He's…"
"He's damaged. But that's the way things are, now."
He shook his head bitterly, let his eyes roam over Cas' body. This close, the bruises were clear. A couple of the bites on his neck had even drawn blood. He clenched his teeth, brushed fingers against one of the angry marks and jerked his hand back when Cas' breath stuttered. "Jesus, Cas, how the hell can you let me treat you like this, huh? Why don't you…God, stand up to me, alright? Tell me to go fuck myself, anything, just don't put up with this shit!"
He laughed once, defeated. "You really don't get it do you? I love you." His forehead furrowed in confusion, his head tilting again. "Must not have told you that yet….we are…oh are we not even-"
"We are. And you've told me. But to me…" He swallowed, tried to pour as much truth as he could into his eyes when he looked up. "To me, it means something. To him, it doesn't. And that's…I don't know, I don't know how I let it happen, Cas, but it's wrong, and you shouldn't be lettin' me do this to you, man. You shouldn't."
He blinked, leaned in a little closer and took Dean's face in his hands again. "I always liked your eyes like this. I could read them." He smiled, rested his forehead against Dean's. "It's been awhile since I could do that."
"Cas…" He choked up, lost his train of thought. It didn't much matter, anyway. Cas closed the distance between them, brushed his lips against Dean's and he responded, opened his mouth for Cas' exploration. He let him take control, brushing his tongue against his reassuringly only when Cas started to hesitate. He let him set the pace, moaned softly when Cas sucked lightly on his tongue. He'd been good before, but damn he'd learned a few things between now and then. The thought of how he'd learned hurt almost too much to let him enjoy it. They were both breathless when they broke apart, and Cas nuzzled warmly against his cheek, stubble scraping against his skin.
"Mm, Dean. Thank you."
His heart ached with something that was almost anger, and he pulled away enough to put some space between them. "Jesus, Cas, don't act like that was doin' you a favor. That's normal, ok? That…that's just us, that's not anything out of the ordinary. That's what you should be used to."
Cas held on, wouldn't let him stand up. " 'That' is the part of you that left when the angels did. Or maybe before, it all gets fuzzy now. But…" He pulled him in, drew him forward to kneel between his legs. "I have missed it. And I'm not perfect. And technically you're still you, and I…" He laughed almost hysterically, held Dean just a little tighter. He trailed his lips across Dean's jaw, suckled carefully just below his ear. "Please, Dean. Once. Just once. This war, it's almost over. Let me have this."
He hadn't come here for this, really he hadn't. Especially not after seeing what they had become. He was sick and horrified and he just wanted to go home, back to his Cas that still had faith and his Sam that hadn't yet died alone. But this…this was his Cas too, in a way. It was his mistake, a soul it seemed he'd personally helped to break. If he could comfort him like this…well, it wasn't exactly possible to cheat on a person with themself, was it?
He nodded, surged forward and pulled Cas against his chest, lowering them back onto the bed even as he whispered 'yes' against his lips. He evened his weight on top of him carefully, slid an arm beneath his still bare back as he kissed him. He was thorough, thrusting his tongue into Cas' mouth, tilting his head back to deepen the kiss. He held him tight, rubbed their hips gently together and listened to Cas moan low in his throat. Cas tugged at his jacket, insistent, and when Dean didn't respond immediately he turned his head, breaking this kiss.
"Off. Please. You usually-"
"Shh. Forget that, ok? Just forget it." He slid back, stood up and shrugged his jacket to the floor first. He kept going, undressing fully, and he could feel his heart shatter even more at the way Cas' eyes dragged over him like he was something foreign, unattainable. He stood quickly, shoved his own pants down and off as smoothly as he could before pressing up against Dean. He was desperate, all scrabbling hands and soft needy whimpers, and it was a moment before Dean could catch up enough to slow him down. He rubbed his sides gently and whispered soothingly into his ear before his hands finally stilled, gripping hard at Dean's hips.
Dean walked him back, eased him back onto the mattress and focused on kissing his way down his chest. He stopped at every new scar, laved them with his tongue until Cas made a sound for him. He was coming apart in his hands already, melting into every touch. When he slipped one hand behind his head to nestle into his hair, Dean could feel his fingers shaking. He was rock hard, and his cock leaked when Dean barely brushed his lips against him. Clearly, he hadn't done this for Cas in awhile. He swallowed the fresh self hatred, rubbed his thumb across Cas' hipbone as he wrapped his lips around the tip, sucking lightly. Cas cried out, his body arching, and Dean widened his mouth to take him in further, his tongue stroking diligently against the underside.
He moaned Dean's name, strangled, and his hand closed convulsively against Dean's skin for a moment before he actually tightened his grip, tugged hard enough that Dean got the point and slid his mouth away, his breath ghostly across wet skin. "It's ok. It's ok, Cas, I know you're close."
He shook his head, panting incoherently for a few breaths before he found his words. "No. Not…you. Come here."
He understood, and he slid back up his body to claim Cas' lips in slow, wet kiss. He rolled their hips together slow, felt Cas whimper and shake. He spread his legs, wrapped them around Dean's waist. The soft keening cry that left his lips was nothing short of sex personified and he shuddered, thrust against him just a little harder. Still, he wasn't tempted, even though Cas was clearly offering. He shook his head, buried his face in Cas' neck. "No. Not after what I just…no" He slid a hand down Cas' thigh to grip his hip, massaged it with one strong hand as he lined them up even closer, moaning at the perfect slide of their cocks trapped between them.
Cas' head fell back, his eyes fluttering closed and Dean knew the signs, slipped a hand between them to wrap around them both, stroking firmly and breathing Cas' name against his skin when he felt Cas' pulse in his hand, warm liquid spilling over his fingers. He joined him almost immediately after, kept stroking them both through the aftershocks. He slumped to the side then, his arm still draped limply across Cas' belly.
He caught his breath, pulled himself up for a kiss. Cas brought a hand up to hold him there, kissing him with a sleepy kind of hunger before he pulled away and rolled over and yanked open his nightstand drawer. The drawer rattled when he pulled it out, and the pit suddenly settling in Dean's stomach told him exactly what it was before Cas rolled back over, knocking two pills back as he did.
"And what are those, Cas, hm?"
"One of them was a Vicodin. The other…" He shrugged, smiled. "They're new this week. You found them on a raid, thought I'd like them. I do. They feel…nice, you know?"
"I'm supplying you with this shit?" And God, didn't that beat all. He'd thought he was only responsible for the parts of emotional breakage that didn't rest on God's shoulders. Apparently, he was also to blame for the drugs too.
Cas shook his head, once. "Not the first time. But once I started, you said you didn't mind as long as it didn't get in the way of my work."
Dean pulled himself up just a little higher on the bed, stroked a hand against his cheek. The fierce protectiveness clawing in his chest just wouldn't be silenced and he leaned in for another kiss, gentle and lingering. "Cas, you listen to me, alright? This isn't gonna happen, ok? It's not. I'm gonna go back, and I'm gonna fix it. I swear to God I am. Look I…I don't say it much but you mean-"
"He loved me too, Dean. He did." There were genuine fucking tears in his eyes now, and Dean almost missed the broken smile. Almost. At least this, though, was a little more real. "He just…things happen to people here, Dean. Just like they've happened to me. It's ok, it's not wrong. It's just how things go."
"No. It isn't. It's how things went. Not how things have to go." He nuzzled close, tried to ignore the smell of weed and incense and find Cas somewhere in it. Cas' arms came up around him, holding him there, tight and close. "I told you I'd take care of you, didn't I? After you came back, I promised you I'd take care of you. I'll make it alright, babe. You'll see."
Dean felt his chest shake with a soft laugh, felt warm breath against his skin. "I can't remember the last time you said that to me. The women around here though, I hear they always think it's new. Think it's theirs." He laughed, and it sounded warm, would've sounded real to anyone else. "I think it's funny, don't you?"
"No. I don't. And neither do you."
Cas pulled back just a little, traced his face with his fingertips. "Like a time capsule. I really had almost forgotten, it's been so long now. I remember though. It's nice to see you smiling again. I'd say don't change, but I know you will."
"Mmhm." He stretched, cat like, rolled over onto his side and turned Dean with him, facing each other. "I shouldn't have….you shouldn't be here."
It shouldn't have hurt, but still it did. "Hey, if you want me to go, I'll-"
"It's more the fact that you're already gone, aren't you? Back off to wherever you came from tomorrow and now I know, now I remember, and it's not…" His eyes glistened for just a moment before he seemed to get control, the smile breaking out on his face again. "But what the hell, right? It really is comin' down to the wire. Whatever I get between now and then, this is gonna top it. Good one for the end, I think."
"That's not funny, Cas."
"You just haven't developed the right sense of humor." He snuggled into Dean's side suddenly, his body wrapping vine-like around him to hold him in place. "Give it time. It'll be funny in 5 years."
Dean bit his tongue until he tasted blood, wrapped Cas up tight in his arms and pulled the blanket over them both. No. No it won't. Not if I can help it.
Gah, that whole episode just made me hurt for Cas so much, but I LOVE all the angsty inspiring-ness of it…