I'm not dead! And this is chapter number 15! Have fun :D


Kris' neck was numb already, but he planned to keep icing it for the entire plane ride anyway. This hickey had to go away. The flight attendant, obviously looking for an excuse to talk to him, asked if he had a sore neck and Kris just mumbled, "yeah."

Deciding that he needed to just stop thinking about it, he pulled his iPhone from his pocket and opened the internet browser. After staring at his Google homepage for a few seconds, he typed his name in the search bar. Googling himself once in a while was fun, as long as he was careful not to let any of the bad stuff get to him.

The page loaded, displaying links to his different fansites. He clicked around a few of them for a while, not knowing if he was looking for anything in particular. Bored, he typed Adam's name in next, and soon came across videos from Adam's performances on YouTube. He clicked on "Ring of Fire," the one that had always stuck out in his mind. It started to load, but it was very slow. Kris drummed his fingers on his armrest; he was really starting to wish he'd brought his laptop with him.

He jumped a little when the phone suddenly vibrated in his hand.

"hows ur neck?" Adam's text said. Kris quickly replied, "dont remind me."

Wondering if there was any speculation about him and Adam, Kris switched back to the internet and closed the YouTube page. He typed "kris allen and adam lambert relationship," into Google and got a lot of results, some of them using the term "Kradam." Kris had heard the nickname before from fans, and a few times from interviewers, but he had no idea how popular it had become. He couldn't seem to find anything that questioned their friendship—other than some ridiculous news story about how he and Adam were in a fight—so he searched "kradam" instead.

Almost all of the results linked to pictures of him and Adam on the show, but with photoshopped hearts all around them or some strange, romantic caption. Not a good sign. Another ten minutes of searching the internet, and Kris was beginning to realize just how popular "Kradam" really was. Did Adam know about this?

He shifted the icepack on his neck, shivering a little, and dialed Adam's number.

"Hey," he said when Adam answered. "Have you heard of Kradam?"

Adam giggled. "Oh, man. Yeah, I have."

"I just googled it," Kris started. "Fans are crazy."

"Oh yeah? What kind of stuff did you find?" Adam asked. "Wait, I'll search it, I have my laptop."

"It's bigger than I thought it was," Kris said slowly, thinking. "I wanted to see what people thought about our relationship, but I don't really know what to make of this whole Kradam thing."

"Well I'm sure it's just one of those teenage girl… gay… fantasy things. I mean, if anyone took any of it seriously then we'd know about it."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

They talked for another few minutes, laughing as they discovered entire websites dedicated to their "bromance," before Adam clicked on a link and said "woah," a clear smile in his voice.

"What?" Kris asked.

"There's fan fiction about us. Like, dirty stories."

"…What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah," Adam laughed. "I'm reading it, oh my God."

"You're reading it?" Kris asked in disbelief. He really didn't know what to think.

"Yeah, I am. It's weird…" Adam sounded pretty distracted.

"What's it about?" Kris asked after a few seconds of silence.

"Well, I think you're about to have phone sex with your wife, and I'm listening."

Kris stuttered a little, not sure how hell he could respond to that, and then asked, "Are you making this up?"

"No, I swear I'm not," Adam said with a laugh, still sounding distracted.

"Stop it!"

"I can't! You wouldn't believe how crazy it is to read a story about yourself…" There was another long pause as Kris tried to wrap his head around it.

"I don't really wanna read about myself having phone sex," Kris said eventually. This was so weird.

"Yeah… now I'm reading about myself beating off to you having phone sex. What. The. Fuck."

"What the... Adam, stop, please," Kris said. This had all suddenly turned from weird to unbelievable. "I really wish this conversation never happened."

Adam laughed again, cheerful. "Okay, calm down. I closed it."

Kris was seriously disturbed. "That's so freaky. I can't believe people write stuff like that about us."

"Whatever," Adam laughed. "It's weird, but it happens. That's what girls do, they just get, like, overexcited."

Kris' forehead was in his palm. "You don't think people are like… suspicious or anything, do you?"

"I wouldn't worry about it. Like I said, nobody probably takes it seriously. Nobody's gonna know… you know, as long as we're careful."

"Yeah," Kris sighed, feeling worn out and a little disgusted from all this. "Let's talk about something else."

Adam hummed, clearly still amused. "Um, how's your neck?"

Kris sighed again. "Really, really cold."

When he saw Katy again, the hickey hadn't faded very much. Adam had given him makeup to put on it though, and Kris covered it carefully. He didn't know how long he would wait to tell her, but he really didn't feel anywhere near ready yet. Thankfully, Katy didn't notice the mark.

Adam was going to break up with Drake soon, he said, so Kris had to come clean with Katy, too.

"When you seeing Drake again?" he texted to Adam. They texted each other all the time now. Kris really missed him.

"Day after the shoot," Adam texted back.

Adam was going to be on the cover of the next Rolling Stone issue, and was going to "come out" in his interview. Kris thought it was stupid that he had to officially announce something like that, but Adam didn't seem to care very much; he just loved doing things his own way.

Adam said that he had been acting distant towards Drake lately, so the break up probably wouldn't be too big of a shock for him. Kris couldn't stand the thought of Adam and Drake together, but he hardly had the right to say anything about it. At least Adam was finally going to break it off with him the day after the shoot, Kris assumed.

To be sure Kris texted, "You gonna break up with him?"

It didn't take long for Adam to reply, "Yeah."

Days were moving faster now. Kris was still adjusting to being off of the show, where each day had been jam-packed. He and Katy went back to their old house in Arkansas, which wasn't old at all, but to Kris it felt like his past. Why couldn't he just go back home and be happy like he was before? All he could think about was the Idol tour, being with Adam again, having things the way they were before.

He spent a lot of time writing in his journal. As long as he'd been writing songs, Kris had always kept the journal to write about all the moments that struck him and all the things that inspired him. He spent a lot of his free time scribbling lines and lyrics all over the pages; it was extremely therapeutic.

Whenever he thought about Adam, he couldn't stop thinking up lyrics. There were so many deep, complicated feelings that Kris really wanted to sort through and put into words. He came up with a few good lines, and it felt nice.

He started having meetings with professional song writers, which was weird. He was grateful that he had help writing the songs, but he wasn't sure exactly what to do. He told them about a few of the song ideas he had already: some love songs, relationship songs, and a fun song that he already had a probable title for: "Can't Stay Away." From what he had written of it so far, it was 100% Adam-inspired. The writers that he worked with were great guys, and they were really encouraging when he showed them some of the words he'd already written for it.

"I'm done trying to deny that without you I'll be alright
You break me down every time you make a move
Without a sound you just make me come unglued
I don't know what you did to me, and I don't care what the doctors say
Cause no matter what you do, I can't stay away from you
"

The writers helped him write some other verses, but kept suggesting that Kris add the world 'girl' to the song. It didn't fit with the way Kris thought about the song, so at first he just shook his head a little and said, "I don't know…" The writer's really knew what they were talking about, though. They were really convincing, and Kris soon changed one of the lines to "Girl, you make me come unglued" to better go with the flow of the song. Overall, he was happy with how it was coming along. Maybe it could be his first single.

On top of working on his new songs, Kris also had to choose what songs he'd sing on tour. He was sure about doing "Ain't No Sunshine," the song that he'd sung twice on American Idol, but he still needed to think more about the other songs. Adam told him that he'd be singing "Whole Lotta Love," "Mad World," and the Muse song "Supermassive Black Hole," which Kris hadn't heard before, but he thought it sounded pretty cool. Adam was thinking about doing a David Bowie medley, too. He pretty much had everything worked out, while Kris wasn't sure of anything, really. But all of them were going to get together soon for rehearsing. Kris was really looking forward to it.

He visited with some of his friends, but it was almost like they didn't know each other anymore. They mostly wanted to talk about American Idol, and Kris wished they could just hang out and goof around like they used to. They all treated him a little differently now, and it wasn't comfortable. So much had changed in the short year that he was involved with Idol, he wasn't sure that he would be able to put his old life back together. He briefly wondered if it was the same for Adam, but figured it probably wasn't; Adam and his friends had always acted like celebrities.

"The shoot was so cool!!!" Adam texted a few days later.

"What kind of stuff did you say in the interview?" Kris replied.

"Haha. I kind of told them about the crush I had on u. Maybe a bad idea."

Oh, great. This would only fuel all those internet teenagers who were writing about them. "You dont need to be so open all the time," he texted, a little frustrated.

Kris spent the next day anxiously waiting. Adam would probably text or call him once he broke up with Drake. Kris wanted so badly for Drake to just be out of the picture, he wanted Adam all for himself.

He was at a restaurant with Katy when he got the text. "I broke up with Drake, but he knows about u. But dont worry :)"

Kris expected Adam's text would give him relief, but it didn't at all. What did that mean? "Is he upset? What do you mean"

Katy leaned over to look at his phone. "Who you texting?"

"I think Adam just broke up with his boyfriend. He's kind of telling me about it," Kris said, fidgety.

"You guys are so close," Katy said. "Is it bad? His boyfriend upset?"

"Not sure," Kris said, looking up at her and smiling. "Adam's on the market, maybe I can hook you up with a date now," he laughed. Katy giggled and said, "Something tells me he wouldn't be too interested."

Kris slid his iPhone into his pocket, and ignored it when it vibrated again. He didn't want Katy asking him what the text from Adam said. But it was hard; he was really, really curious.

He finally got a chance to look at it when Katy got up to use the bathroom, and all it said was, "Call me when u can."

Kris waited a couple minutes after Katy got back to the table before getting up, apologizing, and saying, "I've gotta use the bathroom now, be right back." He called Adam from the bathroom.

"Hey," Adam answered, sounding glad.

"Hi," Kris said. "So what happened with Drake?"

Adam sighed. "Okay. I sort of brought it up to him calmly, I told him that I don't think we're exactly right for each other, and he just nodded and seemed okay with it. So I was glad, but then he was like, 'So it's Kris, right?'" Kris took an unsteady breath, and Adam kept going. "I acted like I had no clue what he was talking about, but he wasn't buying it at all. He just kept saying, 'it's okay, I don't care, just be honest with me,' so of course that made me feel like a lying douchebag. Eventually, when I knew he wouldn't give up, I just told him. I'm sorry."

"…He's not upset though?"

"No, not at all. It's weird, he's just like, really happy for us. He thinks we're a good couple... Well, he thinks I'm a piece of shit for cheating, and he let me know it, but other than that he seemed just fine with it."

"For real? No way, that's just… it really happened like that?"

"Yeah," Adam said, "that was it."

"Do you think he'll tell anybody?"

"Oh yeah, I made him promise me that he wouldn't tell anyone. I made a big thing about it, and he agreed, so he knows what a big deal this is. He was actually worried about us, like about people finding out and how it would totally explode if anyone knew. He said if we want him to help us then he will."

"Wow," Kris said, completely amazed. "He really is a nice guy."

"He's incredible. He's always been like this, I love him. He's just a really great person."

"Can you tell him I say thanks? And that I'm sorry."

"Okay," Adam said. "Oh, and he's really concerned about your wife too. I told him you planned on leaving her and everything, and he understood. He's really with us on this."

"Wow," Kris said again, trying not to think about a divorce right now. He and Katy were at dinner. "That's so great. Really, tell him thanks. I can't believe he's not mad at me."

"I will," Adam said, sounding pleased.

"I'm sort of in a bathroom right now," Kris laughed. "Katy's waiting for me, so I've gotta go."

"Oh," Adam laughed. "What a great husband you are."

Kris sighed. "I'm so glad that this worked out with Drake. I'll talk to you later."

"Yep, bye."

Kris hung up and walked out of the bathroom, smiling apologetically when he got back to the table. "There were a lot of people in there. I didn't want to, like, take the spot between two of 'em."

"Ew," Katy said, laughing a little. "Yeah, Kris, we're at the table. It's fine."

The day that the Rolling Stone issue came out, before Kris even had a chance to buy one, Adam texted him : "Im so embarassed."

When Kris first saw the magazine for himself he forgot to breathe for a few seconds. Adam was laying on his back, one hand in his hair and the other above his head, and looking straight up towards the camera with the expression that Kris' hadn't really seen him use outside of their old bedroom on American Idol. And there was a snake just kind of slithering up to his crotch. Only Adam.

Kris carefully took the magazine off the rack and flipped through until he found Adam's article. He chuckled out loud at the huge, bolded title: WILD IDOL. He skimmed through, noticing that Adam talked about struggling with his self-image, drugs and losing his virginity. When he got to the part of the article where Adam talked about him, he read slowly.

--"I was like, 'Oh, shit, they put me with the cute guy!'" he says. "Distracting! He's the one guy that I found attractive in the whole group on the show: nice, nonchalant, pretty and totally my type—except that he has a wife. I mean, he's open-minded and liberal, but he's definitely 100 percent straight."--

Kris' first reaction was to be flattered by Adam's words, but his slightly stronger reaction was to be horrified. Why would Adam say that stuff in an interview? At least he managed to add at the end that Kris was married—and straight.

Adam almost never lied, Kris knew, unless it was to protect someone. The lie about Kris being "100 percent straight" sort of made up for how much Adam spilled, and Kris was glad for it. Adam probably got a little carried away in the interview after being so open about everything else.

After a minute of calming himself down, Kris decided to send Adam a reassuring text: "Whatever man your just bein honest. Dont be embarrassed."

When Kris brought the magazine home, Katy read Adam's article with him and giggled the entire time. "Adam is hilarious," she said between laughs. Kris' phone buzzed in his pocket and Katy said, "Is that him again?"

Kris smiled sheepishly and opened the text. "Drake thinks he should be my fake bf now so theres no suspicion. Crazy?"

"Yeah," Kris answered her, distracted.

"Jeez, you guys text nonstop! You must be, like, really close. What do you talk about?"

Kris looked up, already having prepared an excuse. "We just miss being roommates. We used to talk all the time, just about everything. Now we still kind of do. He's telling me that him and his boyfriend might stay together."

"Oh," Katy said, looking back down at the article but still sounding interested. "What's happening with them?"

"They had a stupid fight, I guess." Kris shrugged. "Kind of crazy," he texted back. "But it would work if he really wants to do that. What do you think?"

Adam later texted, "Just crazy enough to work!!!"

Kris sat alone one night, after Katy had gone to bed, just thinking. He had his journal with him, hoping that maybe if he just sat and thought about everything then maybe some more lyrics would come to him. He started thinking about Katy. It almost hurt to be with her; their marriage—their entire relationship—had become a lie.

He hadn't even begun to plan out how he would break up with her. He didn't know how to begin. Should he tell her about Adam? Could he? She would be devastated for sure, and no part of Kris wanted to put her through that. He needed to at some point, he knew, because he made a promise to Adam.

It would probably be best if he waited until after the Idol tour was over. If he did it before, and the news about him and Adam somehow got out because of it, the tour happening at the same time would be a nightmare. He couldn't begin to think about it. So, after the tour, he decided, breathing easier. Adam may not be happy about it, but he would definitely understand.

Would he and Adam ever be able to stop hiding? Now that Drake knew and was so accepting of it, Kris felt so much better. The secret didn't belong to only him and Adam now. Maybe if they found a few other people to trust, people that would help them like Drake was, life would be easier for them. But Katy would never be willing to do that, she would never be able to accept Kris and Adam if she found out what had been going on.

Kris hated that he had to think about all of this so much. He wished it could all be over with already, the sneaking around, the guilt, the… divorce. Kris hated that word. He never wanted it to be a part of his life, but now it was right here, staring him in the face, threatening him. And Kris had no choice, he had to face it. It was terrifying.

But if Kris wanted a full and happy life, he would need to actually work to achieve it. Everything he wanted wouldn't fall into his lap, and that was something he'd known well his entire life. He wanted Adam, and that meant that he needed to this. Time is precious, life is short, and he should be making the most of every minute he's got. Struck with a sudden inspiration, Kris opened his notebook and scribbled some thoughts about living to the fullest with the constraints of time; living like he was dying. He came up with some good lyrics, and knew this would be another song on his album.

It wasn't long before all of the top ten American Idol contestants met up again to rehearse for the tour. Kris was ecstatic, he'd missed everyone so much; they were his family. He saw Adam for the first time in weeks, and even though they didn't have a minute alone, Kris hadn't had such a good time in a while.

If he could dream up the perfect life, it would be something like this. Hanging out with everyone and just singing and having a good time. Their rehearsal days were pretty frequent because the tour began in only a month. The only time they all rehearsed together was for "Don't Stop Believing," the song they would be singing together at the end of each concert. Everyone practiced their own songs alone much of the time, all working hard to find good arrangements and plan their sets.

Usually, though, everyone was visiting each other, giving advice and feedback about their performances. Adam was always dropping in on Kris. He would stand in the doorway and just watch as Kris sang, sometimes dancing around to the songs and being goofy. Kris had had to stop a few times because he was laughing so hard.

But sometimes Adam would sway his hips or chew on his lip as he watched Kris sing, just teasing him on purpose. That was the worst. He moved and rocked his body slowly, subtle enough that Kris probably wouldn't notice if he wasn't always watching so intently. They hadn't been alone together since the hotel, so it was really driving Kris crazy

When Kris was in the studio a few rehearsal days later with just Scott, Adam and the musicians, he and Adam kept exchanging brief looks. Eventually, Adam walked towards him, and the intensity of his stare made Kris still. Adam's eyes held him for a long moment, until he was close enough that he reached out and gently took hold of Kris' arm. Kris stood there stupidly, just looking up at him until Adam mouthed, "let's go."

Kris couldn't help his face lighting up as he nodded. He took a few steps away from Adam, holding up his arm to wave to everyone. "Well, I'm gonna get going now. See you later, you guys." The musicians waved goodbye as Scott cheerfully said, "Okay, see ya!"

"Me, too," Adam said after a second. "I'm really getting tired. Bye, everyone!"

They walked out of the studio together, and Kris let Adam lead him through the building. He wanted to ask where they were going, but he also kind of enjoyed the suspense, so he kept quiet. Adam didn't say anything either. The only noise for a while was their soft footsteps, until Adam stopped at a door, turning the knob, and it creaked open.

Kris looked around, making sure nobody would see them go in. What was this room anyway? They slipped inside, and Adam shut and locked the door behind them.

"A dressing room?" Kris laughed as Adam turned around, and suddenly Adam had him pinned against the wall. When Adam leaned over him, licking Kris' lips before kissing them, Kris got a head rush. He kissed back, feeling a little dizzy, but loving the taste of Adam's mouth.

"You," Adam said between kisses, "are such a little fucking tease." He leaned his body down lower, trailing his mouth over the side of Kris' neck.

"What?" Kris asked, out of breath.

"If you don't stop that, I'm gonna drag you away from your fucking piano next time," Adam growled, lightly biting. "Carry you to some broom closet."

As much as this was really starting to turn Kris on, he had no idea what Adam was talking about. "What did I do?"

Adam pressed his body hard against Kris' once, and pulled back. "You need to stop giving me those looks while you're singing," he said, letting his fingers lightly travel up Kris' side. "Seriously."

"I give you looks?" Kris asked, laughing. "Sorry, I don't… mean to?"

"Yeah, of course, you don't mean to," Adam said, sounding frustrated. "You have no idea—"

"You're the one giving looks," Kris said, pulling Adam against him with force. "You come around to watch me sing and tease me on purpose!"

"Maybe so," Adam said amusedly, not bothering to deny it, "but the way you sing when you're looking at me like that… I really can't fucking take that."

"Oh, boo-hoo," Kris laughed, leaning up to kiss him. "It's not my fault you're horny all the time." He jumped as Adam's hand suddenly rubbed at the front of his jeans, applying warm pressure.

"Whatever, tease," Adam mumbled.

Kris let Adam fuck him in the dressing room, and even though his back was against the cold floor, it was still spectacular. Adam had to cover Kris' mouth with his own to keep him quiet.

Kris wanted to feel relieved afterwards, like he'd gotten it out of his system, but at this point he really wasn't sure that he ever would.

"Come watch me sing next time," Adam told him later. "You might see what I'm talking about."

When Kris did come to watch Adam rehearse, he showed up in the middle of "Whole Lotta Love." Adam smiled when he noticed him.

"Way down inside, honey, you need it," he sang, rocking his hips against the microphone stand a little. Only five seconds of watching him sing, and Kris so knew what Adam was talking about. For the rest of the song he didn't think of anything except the way Adam was moving, like he was putting on a show and Kris was the only one in the audience.

After watching Adam sing another song from his set, Kris knew he was hopelessly addicted to this. They couldn't openly stare at each other or anything, there were other people and musicians around, but it was still so intense.

Then the they started playing a song that Kris didn't recognize. Adam tapped his foot to it and began singing, his beautiful voice toned with something a little deeper. It almost sounded sad.

"Far away… this ship has taken me far away," Adam sang. "Far away from the memories of the people who care if I live or die. Starlight… I will be chasing your starlight, until the end of my life. I don't know if it's worth it anymore."

Adam stole looks at Kris as he sang, like he always did, but his body language was so different than before. He still swayed with the music, but he was more controlled now. Adam mostly kept his head down as he sang, but when he did look up Kris could see how sad his eyes looked. Why hadn't he heard that Adam was doing this new song?

"Hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold you in my arms," Adam cried, reaching an arm out. Kris really admired what a great performer Adam was, even when it was only a rehearsal. "My life… you electrify my life. Let's conspire to reignite, all the souls that would die just to feel alive. I'll never let you go, if you promise not to fade away… never fade away."

"'Starlight,'" Adam told Kris after the song was over. "It's by Muse."

"What happened to that black hole song that you were gonna do?" Kris asked. He was pretty sure that was the Muse song that Adam had set his heart on earlier.

"Changed my mind about it," Adam said simply. He paused before adding, "I just feel like I connect so much better with this one." Kris nodded, wondering why. He'd listen to the lyrics more closely next time, he decided.

Less than two weeks before the tour began, news of Michael Jackson's death spread through the rehearsal studio. Only a day later, interviewers were asking Kris about it. "He was such a huge influence on… I mean, everyone, probably, and now he's just gone. It doesn't feel real," Kris told them. Nothing felt real anymore, really. His whole life had turned upside down; nothing was the way it used to be, and there were few familiar things he could hold onto to keep himself grounded through it all.

But he had Adam. They were going through exactly the same thing, and it gave Kris so much comfort to know that Adam would be right there with him for the entire tour, along with all the other guys on the bus. He was pretty sure he'd lose his mind without them there.

The night before their first concert, they all climbed into a bus and headed to Oregon. Kris couldn't seem to calm himself down, but everyone seemed to be feeling the same way. They settled on the L-shaped sofa in the back of the bus, and Kris and Adam sat next to each other.

"Are you guys ready to be on this bus for two whole months?" Matt asked, laughing. Kris laughed along, and Anoop said, "This is gonna be one hell of a good time, I can tell."

Everyone was joking and laughing for the first hour or so of the trip. Kris leaned back against the couch and Adam moved a little closer to him, nudging his shoulder against Kris' neck. Kris let his head fall on it, and exhaled. When he opened his eyes, everyone—with the exception of Scott, of course—was looking at them. Not in a strange, 'what the hell are those two doing' kind of way, but just normally. Kris smiled tiredly at them; he should probably care more, but he didn't.

Anoop and Matt went back to their conversation, chuckling at one another. Danny was sitting on the other side of the L-shaped sofa, and he leaned forward, smiling at Kris and Adam. "You two have really gotten close."

"Yeah," Adam said happily, moving his shoulder and making Kris' head bounce. Kris was trying not to grin, but he couldn't help it.

"Aw, don't mind Danny, he's just jealous," Matt joked. Everyone laughed.

All of the guys went to bed eventually, hoping to get some sleep for the big day tomorrow. Like they'd joked in the interview a month earlier, Adam took the top bunk and Kris climbed into bed beneath him.


Squeezed a month into one chapter. :) But now that this is out of the way, time to write about the TOUR!!

So this update took like... 4 months. wow. Well, like I said, updates will be very slow.

There's all sorts of foreshadowing-type stuff all in this chapter, which I'm glad that I did. Because I had a flash drive with all my precious EG ideas that had accumulated over A YEAR, and IT BROKE. YEAH. Totally sucked. Thankfully I still had the draft to this chapter (Don't even want to think about what would've happened if I'd lost that too.) So yeah, foreshadowing = good so I won't forget where I'm going :P

Oh, and I'm not sure, but I estimate there will only be a few chapters after this one until the end of the story. Wow this thing's huge.

you all rock, thanks so much for the wonderfully nice reviews I've gotten. Always make my day, for real.

As always, please tell me what you liked and/or didn't like :)

(and add me on livejournal in case this story gets deleted on here again, which is very possible. On LJ it's almost like a picture book! lolol)