Rated: Teen for implied M-Preg (not real) and hints of EdWin (people referring to Winry as "Edward's Girlfriend)
Summary: For the record, eavesdropping is really bad. Mustang overhears a conversation between Edward, Alphonse, and Winry that lead him to believe that Edward is … 'expecting'. One-shot.
Disclaimer: FullMetal Alchemist is owned by Hiromu Arakawa, not me.
LES: Hiromu Arakawa, I love your series to death, but I can't honestly let you get away with this. LOL! Despite the fact that I never write M-Preg even as a joke because it is biologically impossible, this was too good to pass up. Mangaverse. Volume 11. Inspired by Edward's theory about why he's so short. He comes up with the idea that his body is supporting Al's body on the other side of the Gate. So he's basically eating for Al (shown more in the anime) and sleeping for him too (shown more in the manga). So I just had to do this story. One-shot.
In a small hotel room in Central, Alphonse and Winry stared at the third in their group in shock. He was in the middle of informing the others about what he had learned on his trip back to his hometown. "I have a hunch that Al's body still exists somewhere and his brain is still functioning." Edward said seriously. "It's impossible to pull someone who has died from the other side of the Gate. But since I did it to Al that day, it means that he's still alive somewhere on the other side of that Gate. Maybe you're even connected to your body through your spirit."
"But…" Alphonse began. "What if it's rotten? Wherever my body is, it's not getting any nutrients, is it?"
"And it's not getting any sleep either, right?" Winry commented.
Edward sighed, staring at the index finger of his right hand. It was Auto-Mail now, but it was once flesh and blood. He had once given blood from that very finger as an offering to bring his mother's soul back from death. And, now that he thought on it, Al had given some of his blood too, hadn't he? "This is just a hypothesis, but…" He glanced at Alphonse. "When we tried to transmute Mom, you and I mixed our blood, remember?"
Alphonse nodded. "Uh-huh."
"And then we were taken to that place, we were both deconstructed." Edward said thoughtfully. "So maybe in the process our spirits crossed."
"What are you trying to say?" Alphonse asked, not getting what his elder brother was trying to say.
"I'm just saying that I'm here and you're somewhere else, but maybe we're still connected, somehow." Edward clarified. "I mean… for my age, I'm pretty sho…" He trailed off, stuttering. And then, with a depressed sigh, he gave up and said the word that haunted him more than any other in the entire English language. "Short." Alphonse and Winry stared at him, shocked. They had never heard him actually admit that he was short, despite the fact that it was true.
Winry brushed off her shock with a disbelieving scoff. "Are you saying that your body is providing nutrition for Al's body too, and what's why you're so small? I'm sorry, Ed. But that's ridiculous."
"It's NOT ridiculous!" Edward shot back at her angrily.
"Admit it, the reason you're not growing is because you don't drink milk." Winry said with a smirk.
"Not the milk AGAIN!" Edward complained.
"Wait a moment." Alphonse cut in before Winry could begin 'beating some sense' into Edward with her handy wench. "Maybe it's not so ridiculous. Now that I think about it, ever since that day, you have been sleeping an awful lot. Not to mention you eat like ten people." Even though Alphonse technically couldn't express his emotions as people normally would any more, Edward still got the feeling that Alphonse was smiling. "I hope it's true. After all, we're brothers. We share the same blood."
"That's right." Edward agreed, grinning. "The two of us together makes one person!"
Winry grinned at the two brothers that she loved so much. Sure, they got on her nerves sometimes… scratch that… a lot! But she still loved them, and wouldn't have them any other way.
Colonel Roy Mustang yawned to himself. Sometimes, he really couldn't believe the higher-ups. He gets one little wound, and suddenly he's demoted to a simple messenger boy. Surely there were other people who could find FullMetal to deliver the message that Scar was alive and still hunting State Alchemists?
But, to be honest, just about everyone else was terrified to go to FullMetal and tell him that his leash was being tightened around his neck once again. Not only did he openly resent that leash more than any other State Alchemist, but there were rumors that he had a run-in with his estranged father on his trip home. Most knew that FullMetal hated his father deeply, and none of them wanted to get on his bad side at the moment.
After all, he wasn't the youngest ever State Alchemist for any old reason. He was a true genius at Alchemy, being one of the very few Alchemists able to transmute without a transmutation circle, and there were few who could beat him at hand-to-hand, especially when he transmuted his Auto-Mail into a sword.
The Flame Alchemist snorted. As if he'd be scared of a teenage boy who was so insecure about his height that he'd lie about it on his State Alchemist profile. Five feet and four inches?!? Yeah right! Maybe if he included his elevator boots and hair.
Roy Mustang allowed himself a small chuckle. Nothing could brighten up his day as much as calling FullMetal a runt or pipsqueak and enjoying the ensuing show. Maybe he could slip in a little height comment to cheer him up today.
He was about to knock on FullMetal's hotel door when he heard voices inside. He didn't know what caused him to stop and listen, but he did.
He wished he hadn't.
"You do know what this means, do you, Brother?" He heard Alphonse ask.
"Hmm?" The FullMetal Alchemist replied, barely audible through the door.
"It means you have to start taking better care of yourself." Alphonse said.
"Al's right." He recognized the voice of Edward's girlfriend instantly. "You do have a lot of bad habits, Ed. I mean, it was okay when you were the only one who suffered because of your choices, but it's not just about you anymore."
"You could start off by drinking milk." Alphonse said.
"I told you, I am not drinking anything that was secreted by a cow!" Edward shouted. "Whoever came up with that idea was out of his mind!"
"But milk is very good for you." Alphonse said. "Stop being such a baby. After all, you are eating for two now."
Outside, Mustang nearly passed out on the floor. I couldn't have heard that! That was just a misunderstanding! Right? He pressed his ear closer to the door.
"You are being incredibly selfish." Winry said. "I mean, you have a helpless life in your hands, and you won't even take care of your own flesh and blood?!?"
"Geez, Winry." Edward muttered. "When you say it like that, you make me sound like a complete bastard."
"You are a complete bastard, Edward Elric." Winry said. "So… you'll take better care of yourself, right? I won't be forced to shove the right foods down your throat, right?"
"And no more alcohol?"
"Damnit, Winry! I'm sixteen years old!"
"No! It's bad for you!"
Edward growled. "Fine. It will probably be for only a few months anyway."
Roy Mustang slowly backed away from the door. Screw that. I'll get someone else to tell FullMetal later. Gotta go burn my ears off… now.
Riza Hawkeye was a little surprised when she saw the expression on Mustang's face as he returned to Headquarters. He looked like he had seen a ghost. The last time she saw him with that look on his face was when one of his many girlfriends broke up with him, rather than the other way around. This, he claimed, was literally an once-in-a-lifetime occurrence.
Hawkeye sighed heavily. "All right, sir. What happened?"
"Lt. Hawkeye… last time I checked, it was impossible for a male to get pregnant, right?"
Hawkeye stared at him, a little dumbfounded by his strange question. "Of course, sir. Well, sometimes a woman who had a sex change into a man, but kept all the female organs required to have a child will get pregnant, but no biological male can have a baby. What brought this on, sir? Surely you know that."
"I'm not so sure anymore." Mustang said. "I just overheard a conversation between FullMetal, Alphonse, and Edward's girlfriend… what's her name…?"
"Winry Rockbell." Hawkeye supplied.
"That's it." But, now that Mustang thought about it, maybe he shouldn't call her 'FullMetal's girlfriend' anymore, given the circumstances. "Anyway… from the way they were talking… they made it sound like FullMetal's… um…"
Hawkeye suddenly burst out laughing. Once again, an once-in-a-lifetime event. "That he's what? Pregnant?!? You just misunderstood them. Or are you doing drugs? You know you'll get kicked out of the military for drug use."
"I did NOT misunderstand them!" Mustang argued hotly. "And I'm not using drugs! They kept talking about how he's eating for two, that he has to take care of himself, and what foods he should and shouldn't eat!"
"Colonel Mustang, that's impossible…"
"What if it's not? I'm mean… when they attempted that human transmutation, they really messed up their own bodies. As far as we know, FullMetal only lost an arm and a leg. But, doesn't that seem a bit unbalanced compared to what his brother lost?" Mustang began wildly. "What if he lost something else, but hasn't told anyone? What if he gave up… you know… being male?"
Hawkeye sighed. "Colonel, I can tell you without a doubt that FullMetal is fully male."
"Huh? And how would you know that?" Mustang asked suspiciously.
Hawkeye rolled her eyes. "Please, sir. I'm not a pedophile. It was when they first started, and some of the other, more immature, officers took it upon themselves to handle Edward's initiation into the military. They dared him to strip down to nothing and run around the courtyard a few times. Needless to say, I was there."
"Oh." Mustang said, having a rather unpleasant flashback to his own 'Initiation'. He had been dared to steal the President's eye patch. He still had nightmares about it. Given what he had gone through, he would take 'running naked in the courtyard' any day. "So… he's definitely…"
"Yes, FullMetal is completely male." Hawkeye said. "Admit it, you just misunderstood."
"I know it sounds crazy, but I didn't misunderstand! What else could they have been talking about?!?"
"Ah. Speak of the devil…" Hawkeye said, gazing out the window. "Well, Colonel, here comes your chance to ask FullMetal yourself. He's just outside. I suppose someone else informed him off Scar's presence."
"What?!? I can't just… ask him that!" Mustang protested.
Hawkeye sighed. "Fine. I'll do it." Predictably, they only had to wait a few moments for Edward to make his way up to the Colonel's office to complain about his leash-tightening. And, boy, he looked pissed!
"Listen, Colonel…" Edward began, poking a finger in Mustang's chest angrily as Alphonse slowly edged into the room. "I don't know what I've done to make you all think I'm so weak that I need to stay in my room with bodyguards just because this Scar guy is loose. I've fought him before, and I'm still alive!"
"Barely." Alphonse commented.
"Shut up, Al." Edward growled.
"Hey, Edward. The Colonel's been wondering if your 'expecting' at all." Hawkeye butted in.
Edward looked at her, confused. "Expecting? Expecting what?"
"You know, a little bundle of joy." Hawkeye continued.
It took Ed a second to realize what she meant by a 'little bundle of joy'. "Me? But I haven't even kissed a girl yet!"
"Wrong again." Hawkeye said. "The Colonel's under the impression that you've somehow gotten pregnant."
The silence in the room was so think it could have been cut with a knife. Finally, Alphonse broke the silence with a laugh. "What?!?"
"I agree. What the Hell, Colonel?!?" Edward demanded. "I've been at a birth, and yet I'm pretty sure that it was a woman having the baby. I've put up with you calling me a runt, a shrimp, a midget, and a pipsqueak; but I'm not going to let you call me a girl too!"
"Maybe the Colonel needs a few lessons…" Alphonse laughed, his armor shaking.
"Yeah, imagine, a sixteen year old teaching a grown man about the Birds and the Bees. Priceless." Edward said with a smirk.
"Where did you get this idea anyway?" Alphonse asked.
"But… I heard you talking about how he's eating for two… earlier in the hotel room. What else could that mean?"
Edward and Alphonse shared their first good laugh in a long time. Needless to say, they were never going to let Roy Mustang live this on down!
LES: Okay, I've decided to make the drinking age in Ed's world the same as Germany's since their world seems based on Germany much more than Japan. And I'm not just talking about the end of the anime and the movie. I mean, they call the Leader of the Nation the "Fuhrer", which is the German word for "Leader" and also happens to be what the German people called Hitler. Anyway, in Germany, there is no possession/drinking age. Minors can drink, but they can't buy beer/liquor, and they can't drink in public. At age sixteen, they can buy beer and drink it in public. And at eighteen, they can start buying the stronger alcohols. So, since Edward is sixteen, he would be able to access beer easily. And Edward's height is based on one of Hiromu Arakawa's extras in the manga where Edward admits that his "Total height" is 165 centimeters. (It includes his boots and hair). An online unit converter said that 165 cm is equal to about 5'4". Which is still shorter than me.
Edward: (cloud of shame) I can't believe I'm even shorter than a short girl…
LES: Don't worry about it. I am an adult. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this random one-shot!