Zim Catches Cold

Ok, so I got this idea once and thought it would be hilarious. What if Zim got a normal cold and completely overreacted? This follows the whole Half-Irken Gang universe, so it's got me as an Irken in it (Jes). You don't have to know about the Half-Irkens I invented to get the story, though.

Guess why I'm publishing this today? 'Cuz I actually have a cold and I'm bored! Lol! So... enjoy! :)

Chapter 1: a Discovery

It all started in school one day when Zim found himself asleep on his desk for the first time in the history of ever. It may seem odd to you that, at a school like this one, it had never happened to him before. But Ms. Bitters was so violently creepy, nobody actually dared to stop being alert for more than a second or two.

Anyway, back to the story, it was a December morning and ever since he got up Zim hadn't been feeling quite himself. Naturally, being the confident, detail-ignoring alien he was, he paid no attention to it. But it'd been getting worse all morning (more and more tissues filled the classroom wastebasket), and it seemed to have reached its peak.

"ZIM!!" Ms. Bitters exclaimed.

Zim instantly snapped his eyes open and fell backward out of his chair. The class laughed. "Y-yeah?!" He replied once he'd regained balance.

"You've been asleep for 10 minutes. I was going to ignore it, but it's been too long." Ms. Bitters explained. "To the nurse!" She snapped one hand up to point to the door in her ever so serpent-like way.

Zim, still wide-eyed and dazed from his fall, just obeyed silently and left the room.

Let's skip ahead to the nurse's office.

So she diagnosed a common cold and sent him home, right? No biggy.

Except, of course, Zim had no idea what that meant. And Zim's been known to... overreact.

The whole walk home, Zim was a nervous wreck. (And you'd be surprised how often an alien with an invisible nose can sneeze.) Now that he knew there was something wrong with him, what was it? It was bad enough to get him sent home, he knew that now.

He hated Earth. That's the only conclusion he could come to.

He got home, went inside, locked the door, and called GIR.

"Yessir!!" GIR saluted as he flung himself into the living room.

"I've beed diagdosed with sub kide of... Earth thig!! TO THE ITERDET!!!!"

"The wuuuuttttt???" GIR drawled.

"You dow... the ITERDET?"


"That Earth detwork with the... you dow... websites?"

"I thought that was a kind of TACO."

"Oh, just CUB OD!!" Zim retorted, grabbed GIR's hand forcefully, and they went through the toilet to the lab.

There was never more of an abundance of information on the internet. Every search engine he tried, some form of information on the common cold came up. But the internet also likes to assume that aliens don't come to Earth and lack the information that it's harmless. So everything on Google, Ask, , Yahoo! and more sounded downright scary.

The more information he gathered, the more he came to the conclusion that this was the story with his immune system at the current time:

It'd never seen a cold virus before.

It was having some trouble fighting it.

And, since he wasn't prepared with a cold-savvy

immune system... this could take a while.

But what would happen was his big question. And nothing on the internet seemed to provide him with that information.

So, more anxious than ever, he went upstairs to the first floor and got in a fetal position on the couch. Five minutes later, he would have been more than halfway to sucking his thumb if it weren't for how tired he was getting. In almost an instant he was asleep.

When the doorbell rang, he fell off his seat for the second time that day. He composed himself and checked the clock.

3:22. School had been let out.

Suspicious, he looked through the window in the door to see who was there.

Invader Jes. Entirely safe.

Except... he didn't want to infect her TOO, right? So his response was "Just a secod," and he went into a back room and rummaged through a box of random things until he found a paper mask that had come with his new power saw.

THAT would work!

He put it on and answered the door.

"Hey there," Jes greeted him casually. "What's with the...?" She pointed to the paper mask.

"I've beed diagdosed by a professiodal with sub kide of Earthly illdess called a... COLD." Zim explained.

"Oh, sick, huh?" Jes said, still in her ever so non-chalant tone. "Yeah, me too, a little. Probably something going around."

"What do you mean?" Zim asked suspiciously.

"Hooboy," Jes breathed. She closed the door and began to press the indentation on her lower back that would turn her Irken. "You've got a lot to learn about Earth, don't you?"

"Are you questioding by skills as a fake hubad?" Zim said huffily.

"Better come downstairs with me..." Jes began. "For your own sake."

Zim raised an eyebrow, but did as she told and followed.