From the authors who brought you Persona 3: Fairly English Story, Naruto: Ours, and One Eye of the Demon, comes a new story.
A Final Fantasy VII Crack Fiction
Hey. How's it going? Cool. I'm great.
I'm more than great, actually. I am Cloud Strife. Yeah.
Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Oh, great. That emo with a bigass sword and even bigger mental problems.' Well, that was the old me.
No, I still have a bigass sword. Several, in fact. They join together to make an even bigger bigass sword, which kicks ass.
Nah, main difference between Old Cloud and New Cloud is that New Cloud has his head on straight. It's amazing what a couple of pills for a couple of weeks with some therapy can do. And that was still Old Cloud. New Cloud is awesome.
New Cloud got laid.
Not my biggest achievement, but since it was Tifa, it's worth mentioning. We're engaged now; proposed couple of months after I last killed Sephiroth. He's been back a couple of time since, but I don't care.
What do you mean, 'Why'?
Who the hell do you think I am?
I am Cloud Strife!
Yeah. My life rocks.
At least, it did.
You wouldn't think that driving into the pleasantly ominous energy vortex would have that much of an affect on your life.
Turns out it did, because now I'm in some freaky dimensional rift thing.
Now how do I get out?
You are healed.
I'm glad. Your wounds are healed.
You talking about my mental ones?
Yes. The wounds in your heart…
Yeah, that's kinda already been established. So, what am I doing here?
There other side needs you.
Hey, I ain't dying yet.
I never asked you to, silly.
Oh, good. What other side?
The other world. In the past.
Oh. Oh great. So I get pulled out of my sweet life in the present, just when we'd finally got the place sorted out after what happened with Holy, just to fix some Alternate Cloud's past?
You could say that.
Screw that; let Alternate Cloud deal with that. It's Alternate Cloud's problem, not mine.
You used to say that about the planet.
I used to say that about a lot of things, but then they grew on me.
This alternate plane… it will grow on you too…
Or, you can leave me on the plane that has already grown on me and let me be happy?
Now where would the fun be in that?
You are a cruel person at times.
I know. But it's almost time.
Time? For what?
For your train to arrive?
Okay, reality check. Train station, Buster Sword, dead Shin-ra grunts at my feet, Mako reactor in the distance…
Ah. First mission I did with AVALANCHE. Okay, I'm in the past.
"Da Bob ya waiting for, spikey!?"
I ran up to Barret, who was… smoking a spliff?
"Come on! We gottsa go make dis place go higher dan grassy jack!"
"Mah dealer! You gotsta problem with that!?"
"Erm… no Barrett, I… don't?"
"Hey, don't worry man!" He patted me on the back. "I'll introduce ya after da mission, but for now," He shoved me forward. "We be Jammin'!"
What. The. Hell!?
"Aww, Shiz man!" Barret shouted, "Here come da fuzz!" He bounded into an alleyway as more Shin-ra guards ran towards me.
"Intruder!" The leader shouted, getting his team into firing position. "Open fire!"
Yeah, I just held the Buster Sword in front of me and ran for them, using the fashionable holes of badassery as an eye hole.
No chance. SLICE! Four dead in one swing. Now, if I remember correctly, there should be Potions and the like in their pockets…
Jackpot. I shoved the healing stuff into my pockets and ran for the gate. Note to self, create a bag of holding.
Hey, that's convenient.
"Wow," the guy in green noted as I reached the entrance. "You used to be in SOLDIER all right." Actually, I wasn't, but I'm not supposed to know that yet. "Not everyday ya find one in a group like AVALANCHE."
"SOLDIER?" Asked the redheaded girl who was also a member of AVALANCHE, "Aren't they the enemy? What's he doing in AVALANCHE?"
"Hold it Jessie." Green told her. "He WAS in SOLDIER." I hadn't forgotten her name, honest. "He quit them and joined us." Wasn't so much as quitting as running for my life, to be honest, but what the hey. "Didn't catch your name…" He asked me.
"Didn't Barrett fill you in?" He mimed smoking something. Ah, right, Barrett's on drugs in this world. "It's Cloud."
"Cloud huh? I'm-"
"Bill." I told him. "I know."
"William then." Ah, I missed tormenting poor skinny little Biggs. I didn't do it enough first time round.
"DA BOB YOU DOIN'!?"
And here comes Barrett. "I thought I told youses to never move inna group!" Barrett punched Biggs in the gut. ("Oomph!") "Our target's the North Mako Reacta. Wes's meet on da drossy 'ting afore it!"
"The bridge?" I suggested.
"I dun like yo attitude, Ex-SOLDIER." Barrett told me as Biggs, Wedge and Jessie ran for it through the now open gate. "In fact, I no trust ya, ya?"
"Nay." I replied.
"'dat's it, yo jammin' wit me for dis mission." Barrett ran ahead, motioning for me to keep up. "If ya move yo legs fasta, ya run."
Alright, alternate Barrett is WEIRD, man. Still, I ran after him and met up with Biggs, Jessie and Wedge at the bridge.
"We'll secure the escape passage." Wedge informed me professionally, which was surprising, seeing as I remembered him as a bumbling fatass. "Concentrate on the mission, Cloud."
"Geez, we're really gonna blow this huge furnace up?" Biggs asked. "Man, this'll be something to see."
"Concentrate on the mission, Biggs." Wedge told him sternly. Man, He's also got a lot more spine than I remembered, I mean come on, He's leading the way across the bridge now!
"Yo man," Barrett asked me, "Dis ya first time inna reacta?"
"Actually," I told him, "I spent four years locked in one of these things."
"Krishna! Yo serious!?"
"Why I left."
"Dagnagit…" Barrett sighed. "Ya know, da planet's fulla Mako energy."
"I know." I replied.
"People here use it everyday."
"I know." I repeated.
"It's da life juice of da planet."
"I know." I repeated.
"But Shin-Ra keeps smokin' the happy out wit dese machines…"
"You do realise I know all of this."
"Just fo da benefit of udders." Barrett shrugged.
"Who else is here?"
"Dat's it! Yo comin' wit me from nah on!" I thought I already was? Alternate Barrett has a crap memory.
Everyone else was working on hacking through the first door by this point. "Biggs and I got the code for this door." Jessie announced proudly.
"Code Deciphered." Biggs announced as the door opened.
Everyone rushed through it, and Jessie got to work hacking the next door. "Think how many people risked their lives…" Biggs told me as we waited, "Just for this code…"
"Won't be more than four." I replied.
"Code Deciphered." Jessie announced as the second door opened. "Come on, into the lift!"
"Don't you mean elevator?"
"I mean lift. Come on!"
Once four of us were in, I poked my head out. "Not coming Biggs?"
"Can't. Wedge has a fat ass."
"I ain't losing weight for you, Biggs." Wedge taunted. "Tough luck!"
"Quit yer yappin!" Barrett barked. "Spikey, hit the button."
I pushed the down button, and the doors closed. "Code Deciphered."
"Watch It." Wedge and Jessie warned me simultaneously. Decent timing there.
"Dude," Barrett blew some grass smoke into the back of my head. "Liddle bah liddle, da reactas'll drain out all of da life." HUUUFFF "And dat'll be dat."
Maybe I should act like Old Cloud? "Not my problem."
"Da planet's dyin' Cloud."
"No, it isn't." I sighed. "Look, the only thing I care about right now is finishing this job so I can get the hell out of here." And figure out what the hell's going on.
"Grr…" Barrett threw his half smoked spliff to the floor, then lit up a new one. Is he never not high?
DING! The doors opened. We squeezed out of the sardine box and onto the balcony.
"The reactor's down the ladder." Jessie told us. "Use it to get down."
"You not coming?" I asked.
Jessie shook her head. "I'm… afraid of ladders."
The Hell? "Her father was killed by a ladder when she was younger." Wedge hissed into my ear.
"Seriously?" I whispered back.
Wedge nodded. "He walked under one, and then Shin-Ra grunts shot 'im. That's why she fights against Shin-Ra."
I gave the large guy a look that translated to ~ Seriously? What the hell!? ~
He then gave a look that said ~ I know. I think we're the only two sane people here. ~
~ What about Biggs? ~
~ Bulimia Nervosa. ~
~ No way! ~
~ Are you messing with me? ~
~ I mess with thee not. ~
"If you two lovebirds can stop looking into each other eyes," Jessie pointed out, "You'd see that Barrett's already at the bottom."
Good thing I'm mature enough to shrug of the gay jokes. "Sorry. Wedge, you first."
Once Wedge had started down the ladder, I jumped over him, impacting against the ground. Remember kids, never jump a thirty foot drop unless you have super powers like me, and even then, only do it if you have the right superpowers. Ever wonder why Professor X is in wheelchair?
Well now you know.
"Damn, yo sure was in SOLDIER alright." Barrett remarked. "Or yo's Spiderman." His eyes suddenly lit up. "Are yo's Spiderman?"
"Well yo suck." Barrett puffed at his softcore drugs as he looked around. "Wedge, unlock da last door!"
"On it." Wedge ran to the lock. "I'll jam it open, and then I'll wait in the lift for you both, alright?"
"It's fine mon." Barrett told him as the door opened. "Let's go!"
Barrett and I walked into the reactor room as Wedge scrambled up the ladder. "When we blow dis place," Barrett told me, "This ain't gonna be nothin' more than, like, a hunka junk, ya?"
"Suppose." I answered him as he tossed a box towards me.
"Cloud, you sets da kaboom."
"Shouldn't you do it?" I threw the bomb back at him.
"Jus' do it man!" Barrett threw it back at me. "I gotta watch!" I eyed him suspiciously. "Ya know, ta make sure ya don't pull nuthin', ya?" He lit up again.
Come to think about it, I don't want anybody that high touching any kind of explosive. "Fine, I'll do it."
This isn't just a reactor
Ah, great, I've got the 'helpful' hints again. "What's wrong man?" Barrett asked me, "Childie Childie!"
Gritting my teeth, I set the bomb and grabbed the Buster Sword as the alarms began flashing.
"Awww shiz!" Barrett shouted as the reactor transformed into the Guard Scorpion. "I'm comin' down real hard man!"
Lovely. I rushed forward and lopped off one of the reactor's legs. Chop. Clang. Skree. Now for an Omnislash. I jumped up and, sword over my head, brought it down on the scorpion's head, chopping it in half. Ah man, I only have Braver? Well that sucks fish.
I checked the bomb. 572 seconds until detonation. So almost ten minutes then…
"Ah, shiz the spidah's!" Barrett was rolling on the ground uncontrollably. Sigh. I picked him up and flung him over my shoulder, then climbed up the ladder one handed. Barrett kept hitting me on the way up, screaming "Gerrem off! Gerrem OFF!", which was slightly less annoying than the screaming sirens.
Once up, I threw him into the lift. Jessie, however, was stuck in the grill. "Come on! Let's go!"
"I can't!" She shouted. "I have a phobia of getting stuck!" Seriously woman? I grabbed her leg and pulled her out, then threw her into the lift with Barrett. "What you waiting for Wedge?"
"Unjamming the jamming signal." He replied. "Code Deciphered."
We both rushed into the lift and I hit the up switch. I had to admit it, listening to the lift music felt pretty awkward when all hell was breaking loose around us.
"So, um…" I asked Wedge, trying to break the silence. "You… going anywhere this weekend?"
"I'm hoping to get out of the city now that you mention it."
"Yeah, I know a nice Bed and Breakfast out in Kalm, do a little fishing," Wedge explained, "It'll be nice."
"Bet it will." I nodded. Man, small talk is hard at times.
DING! The doors opened, and not a moment too soon. I grabbed Barrett and ran for it, Wedge and Jessie coming up behind. Jessie overtook me and began working on the lock.
"Code deciphered." She announced as the doors opened. We ran like hell through it to find Biggs hacking as fast as he could.
The doors opened. "Code Deciphered!"
FREEDOM! Carrying Barrett, I led the way, running out of there. Jessie tripped up, so I stopped to tuck her under my other arm before running after Biggs and Wedge.
"Code Deciphered." I announced awesomely. The situation called for it.
Yeah, Non-Emo future Cloud and Offensive Rasta Stereotype Barret. This will probably be the sanest chapter of them all.
So, Yeah, Ravenwingcorps and I have had this idea for about four years now.
Then we forgot all about it.
Then we remembered it at New Years Eve 2008, then decided to make a comic about it.
Then we forgot all about it again.
Then we remembered it again a couple of days ago, and decided to make a crack fiction about it. Makes a change from our normal story driven humour/drama stories.
And if you want to know how this will go down, then imagine Persona 3: Fairly English Story, only insane, everybody is out of character, and not unlike OEotD. Also, it's based on Final Fantasy Seven. Yeah.
Oh, while I remember. I'm SamJaz.
Yeah, he speaks in underlines because he's important. Probably.
Damn right I am. My input into this story is mainly the plot and making sure SamJaz doesn't hit a too big of a tangent, I was also the creator for Yuffie's personality, SJ ironed it out, I think it's funny, as well as the plot in general
Yeah, whatever. You love Fairly English Story.
I do. However, you are you
Fair point. Anyhoo, review. This story will move slowly, like Naruto: Ours and Kingdom Hearts: Oblivion, while I focus on Fairly English Story.
When's the next one coming by the way?
You see? Addict.