Well, here's a little something that's been rattling around in my head for a while. Finished it finally, after a flash of inspiration. Enjoy?


A Day in the life of Diggums.

8:00 p.m.

Sound of an alarm clock ringing to the tune of The Beetles' classic hit "A Hard Night's Day". Groaning. A hand descends on the alarm clock.

Silence.

8:15 p.m.

Sound of an alarm clock ringing to the tune of The Beetles' classic hit "A Hard Night's Day". Grumbling. Pillows are rearranged. Into the alarm clock.

Silence.

8:30 p.m.

Sound of an alarm clock ringing to the tune of The Beetles' classic hit "A Hard Night's Day". Swearing. A hand knocks the clock off the bedside table.

Silence.

8:45 p.m.

Very faintly, the sound of an alarm clock ringing to the tune of The Beetles' classic hit "A Hard Night's Day".

'Fine!'

More grumbling. Some shuffling.

9:00 p.m.

Sounds of a shower running.

'Fronddamnit, I always get shampoo in my coffee!'

9:37 p.m.

'You finally made it in, huh?'

'Shut it, Doodah.'

'You drank your coffee in the shower again, didn't you?'

'How could you tell?'

'You're always more charming when you were in a rush to get out the door.'

'Screw you.'

A pregnant pause.

10:52 p.m.

Sound of a phone ringing: briiiing briiiing!

'Would you get that, Day?'

'Do I look like a secretary to you, Diggums?'

Briiing! Briiing!

'I'm making the tea? Get it!'

'I'm otherwise occupied.'

'Doing what? Your nails?'

Briiing! Briiing!

'Oh for – Diggums and Day PI agency. What? Is my electro-cooler running – you have got be kidding me. What are you? Sixty?'

Sound of the phone being slammed down.

'Fronddamn punks. When I was their age I was already robbing Mud Man museums. Kids these days, absolutely no taste.'

'You know, technically, Mulch, alphabetically it's "Day and Diggums", not "Diggums and Day".'

'You know what else, Doodah? Soon it's just going to be Diggums, and he'll be under arrest for murder.'

'Subtle as a fencepost, as usual.'

'Well, maybe if I had a more receptive audience.'

'Oooh, I'm hurt I really am.'

Indistinct grumbling. Possibly: "Well, you sure as d'Arvit will be."

1:00 a.m.

'I'm going for lunch, do you want anything, Mulch?'

'Not if the price is your company.'

'I wonder if I could file that under employee abuse?'

'You're a partner, not an employee. Your name's above the door, innit?'

'Maybe domestic abuse then?'

'Domestic implies a relationship between the parties.'

'Well, we're not strangers, are we?'

'No, unfortunately not.'

A pause.

'So, I'm going for lunch. Do you wanna come?'

'Yeah, okay.'

2:03 a.m.

'So, you won't answer the phone for me but you'll buy me lunch?'

'I said I'm not your secretary. Don't have any problem being your sugar daddy.'

'Sprites are so bizarre.'

'Hardly. It's you dwarves that need to lighten up.'

A pause. A snort.

'Ha, "lighten up". Nice.'

'I thought so.'

5:27 p.m.

'So, I was thinking, Mulch.'

'Uh oh.'

'Yeah, yeah, funny. Seriously, though, when are we going to have our staff party?'

'Staff party? What staff party?'

'You know, our annual staff party.'

'Well, a) we don't have any staff and b) we haven't even been partners for one year yet.'

'Then we should really get a move on and make the party annual now, before we forget.'

'Doodah, what are you talking about?'

'A staff party. You know, the administration rents a killer sound system, buys some finger food and way too much booze and everyone parties until the sun sets, drinks way too much and then goes home with their secret office crush for a night of drunken debauchery.'

Silence.

'Then what happens?'

'What do you mean "then what happens"?'

'I mean, after the night of drunken debauchery and the staff wakes up next to their secret office crush, then what happens?'

'Well, they'll nurse their hangovers with coffee that isn't two parts shower water and then probably go out for a really big breakfast.'

Silence.

'And after the really big breakfast?'

'Well, they'll decide to skive off work and hang around the house, I should think.'

'Together?'

'I would hope so.'

'Uh huh. And you think we should have this staff party soon, do you, Day?'

'Yes.'

The sound of a breath being held.

'Okay, what do you think about tonight, then?'

'Tonight?'

'Yeah.'

'I don't think I've got anything planned. Yeah, that should be fine. Whatever. I mean, no biggie.'

Sound of a breath being released.

The End