Les Femmes Noires One-Shot Contest

Title: Undeserving.

Pen Name: Kirmit

Characters: Alice (brief mentions of all others; mostly Jasper.)

To see other entries in Les Femmes Noires Contest, please visit the C2 page:

http://www[dot]fanfiction[dot]net/community/Les_Femmes_Noires/73127


A/N: Alright, this is the first poem I have written in about seven years. It's about a girl who is lost, and unfortunately there are a lot of young women like this in the world.

It's not fluffy, no HEA.

Dedicated to the ladies at the UU for setting up this contest and always being supportive, ect. Special thanks to Packerbelle for doing a read through and telling me to enter... multiple times.


I never gave much thought to how I would die;

Then again I never gave much thought to how I would live.

I tighten the tourniquet;

Take the cap off the needle;

Insert near my wrist since my veins are so little.

First there is pain;

Then there is bliss;

Now I have to make a payment;

So on my back it is.

I stare at the ceiling;

Listening to grunts and moans that are not my own;

Waiting for hope;

Hoping to die.

I lay back and wait;

Make appropriate noises;

I feel nothing;

But my heart is still beating.

After he's finished I score another rock;

Apparently I'm good;

Even if I think I'm not.

That night I lay awake;

Tripping once again;

Lying in the cool grass;

Staring at the moon.

The stars are like glitter;

Sprinkled in the sky.

The moon shines bright;

The sun for the night.

The sprinklers come on and break me from my trance;

I get up and leave;

Families are around and I'm not given a second glance.

I walk down the road;

Hands in pockets and cold.

I watch a group of kids come out of a Volvo.

They look happy and pretty and ten kinds of perfect.

While I stand over here sad and lonely and flawed.

One of them notices me;

A brunette girl;

And hands me a twenty.

She smiles at me;

I smile back;

She nods her head slightly, then runs back.

Weighing my decisions;

Another rock or some food;

My stomach rumbled loudly.

I walk a little further;

See a Missing Person poster taped to the glass.

Once I realize who it is I rip it down and toss it in the trash.

I walk in the diner;

Get sat at the counter;

Next to a man in a uniform;

Who looks rather pale chugging his coffee.

I take in his appearance;

Blond hair obviously,

The re-growth looks like it could be curly.

Pale blue eyes.

He looks at me;

Our eyes lock and I feel like I should blush.

Blushing is reserved for the innocent and naive.

I am neither;

So instead I smile and make a joke;

He laughs and says his name.

I tell him mine,

Then he tells me this is his last night.

He's leaving for Iraq,

And he may never come back.

We finish eating.

Then he takes me home.

We kiss and grope and pull clothing off.

We end up in his bed;

Penetrating, gasping, moving.

He holds me closer,

I feel so whole and undeserving.

He keeps moving, kissing and moaning.

I try to zone,

But he won't leave me alone.

"Look at me," he says;

Turning my face.

He stops and gasps and wipes tears from my eyes.

"Don't be sad, just be with me." he whispers.

Then continues on,

It feels like too much,

My heart might explode.

I hold him tight and let him go.

I close my eyes and just let the feelings in;

I want him;

I need him;

But I can't, not just yet.

He finishes and we lie there;

Unsure of what to do.

After nothing but air seems to transpire between us.

The craving increases.

I get up; I get dressed.

I can feel his eyes on me.

"Where will you go?" he asks.

I ponder and shrug.

"You should stay," he offers.

I shake my head and leave.

I am a whore.

Worthless and undeserving.


End note: It's a short oneshot. Let me know what you think.