Author: Sparta

Title: Where I went Wrong

Pairings: Dean/Lisa (past)

Rating: R

Categories: Family/Hurt/Confort/Tradady

Genres: Action/Adventure, Mystery, Crime, Romance, Tragedy, Hurt/Comfort

Disclaimer: I don't anything, this is just my sick and twisted mind at work so enjoy

Warnings: Slash, Death, Mayhem, Past Abuse, Stalking, Femslash, Male rape, torture, Het and Attentive universe, Rape, Self-Harming, Family disowning

Chapters: 1/?

Completed: No

Summery: Eight weeks ago Dean could never have imaging his life would change so much, now he's a father and soon finds himself looking abck over his life and wondering how his father ever manged to raise them as well as he did?

Chapter Summery: Dean gets some news he didn't expect.

Authors Notes:

This is Marjory dedicated to sammygirl1963 who though her own fan fictions gave me back my love for Supernatural.

In addition, Thunderincrimson who has become the evil voice in the back of my mind that drives me on.

Where I Went Wrong?

Ghost of the Past

Dean sighed to himself as he looked in the mirror, he still couldn't believe it eight weeks ago she'd still been alive and now she wasn't. Lisa Braeden hadn't really been a big part of Dean's life, but to Dean she'd always been the one that got away. After meeting, her again after eight years and their parting of ways hadn't been the best, but it had been good enough for her to take Bobby's number and address when Dean offered it as a way to find him again.

So eight weeks later Dean was more then a little surprised and shocked to receive a phone call from her asking him to return to Cicero, Indiana to see her.

Dean was nervous as he stood outside Lisa's home for the second time in eight weeks, scuffing his feet on the path outside he suddenly felt like he was eight years old playing decoy for his father on a hunt. Look round briefly he felt so out of place stood in the centre of sleepy suburbia.

"Dean?" said Lisa as the door opened, Dean turned round the greet the woman and was surprised.

Lisa wasn't the full of life, ever loving firecracker of a mother Dean had met and fallen in love with eight years ago and met back up with eight weeks ago anymore. Her features where sunken, her skin pale and the life in her eyes was fading.

"Lisa?" asked Dean confusedly as he got the sudden urge to reach for the holy water in his pocket.

"Come in Dean" said Lisa as she showed Dean into the kitchen and watched as he sat down before putting the coffee on.

"Coffee?" asked Lisa as Dean just nodded

"Truthfully I didn't think you would show up after last time we met, Ben hasn't stopped going on about you your cooler then Superman in his eyes" said Lisa with a laugh Dean knew was forced.

"Where…."

"School he doesn't know I called you and for now I'd like for it to stay that way" said Lisa as the coffee pot interrupted them, turning to pour the drinks when suddenly she felt dizzy and collapsed but Dean reflexes meant he caught her before she hit the ground.

Helping her to the couch in the living room Dean was about to call for an ambulance when Lisa stopped him.

"Don't," said Lisa as Dean put down his cell and came over to sit next to the couch.

"It's a tumour, I found out before you came back I was given a year but it seems it's more advanced. The doctors say I have week maybe two max," said Lisa as she groaned as the room started spinning.

Dean just watched the woman in front of him in a numb shock, his first thoughts where of Ben and what he must be feeling or if he even knew?

"Ben knows that's why I called you Dean, when you turned up you caught me by surprise and my first instincts where to protect my son from you because with my past you'd be dangerous and I was right. Nevertheless, you where dangerous for the right reasons, then after that the more I though about it the more I felt guilty.

This might not have been your life and your life might not have been mine but he has the right to chose which is his and it's not my place to stop him" said Lisa weakly as Dean looked confused.

"Lisa…"

"Ben is your son, I knew the moment I found out I was pregnant. Seeing the two of you together only proved that, I'm sorry Dean but I wanted to protect my son that's why I lied," said Lisa as Dean felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

"I understand that, does Ben know?" asked Dean as Lisa shook her head and coughed.

"No I haven't told him yet, I needed to know how you'd react before I told him. I need to know something Dean and I need you to be honest with me, an I trust you with him? I understand your life isn't all butteries and lollypops, is dangerous and dark and evil but I need to know you'd do everything to keep him safe" said Lisa as tear filled her eyes as she took Dean's hand.

"He need his father Dean, I trust you to do the best with him but I need you to promise me Dean no matter what life he chooses you will watch over him like the father he needs?" said Lisa as Dean felt the tear roll down his cheek as he nodded.

"I promise that as long as I'm breathing I will watch over Ben and if I don't come home someone will always be there for him" said Dean as Lisa nodded and pulled Dean down to kiss him.

Dean's attention returned to the image in the mirror and sighed, looking up at the corner of the mirror Dean took down the faded picture that was there. It was of him, Sam and John sat on the hood of the Impala, it was the same picture John Winchester had carried with him for over twenty years.

The memory that picture carried were more powerful then any talisman or spell that the Winchester's carried with them. Dean felt the burn of the tears that threatened to fall as he was forced once again to face the ghost of his past to find the strength to face the future.

Dean was still numb as he pulled into the motel he'd been staying at, it was the same motel he and Sam had stayed in eight weeks ago. Collapsing on the bed Dean let the true weight of the situation he found himself in hit him, he knew better then anyone what this life would mean for him and for Ben.

Sighing Dean knew that his questions wouldn't be answered anytime soon nor would they be answered here in the motel, reaching for his cell phone Dean hit speed dial.

//Dean//

"Hey Bobby"

//Ya ok?//

"No I'm not, Lisa sick it's cancer"

//Damit and the kid?//

"He's mine, I don't blame her for keeping it from me but now she needs me to step up and be the father Ben needs and I'm scared to be that. I'm scared I'd turn into my dad"

//John Winchester was many things Dean, but ya daddy was always there for ya two when ya needed him. Ya daddy raised two strong willed, hot headed, shotgun toting, class A Hunters but he also raised two strong young men.

Whatever the future holds remember ya not alone in this kid, you've got a family behind ya no matter what//

"Thanks Bobby I owe you"

//Of course ya do boy, now don't do anything stupid. Sam and I will be with ya in a day…//

"Bobby…"

//Don't ya argue with Ma boy ya family and family stays together//

"Yes Sir" said Dean with a small smile as he hung up and laid back against the bed before settling into a broken sleep.

Dean was brought out of his thoughts as another joined him in the room, Dean didn't turn round he just focused on the refection in the mirror. Bobby stood in the doorway dressed smartly in his black suit, looking every bit the father he'd become to the boy before him. Dean was dressed in his suit too, a look of stone on his face but the pain of lost child in his eyes.

"It's time," said Bobby quietly as Dean just nodded.

"Sam's got Ben down stairs, we'll see you down there," said Bobby as he went to leave.

"That's Bobby…..for everything," sighed Dean sadly

"Anytime Idjit anytime" with that Bobby left Dean once again to his thoughts.

Dean sat alone on the park bench watching as the sun began to set, his mind racing with any and every thought he'd ever have and none of them made any sense. Bobby and Sam where a day away but even that didn't comfort Dean and he watched nothing as the world passed him by.

Reality set in as the gentle tap of a cookie landing in his lap made Dean turn to face his companion on the bench, looking in a mirror of twenty years past Dean could see his own emotions in the face of the young man that he now called his son. They both sat in silence for no words need to be said, Dean could read Ben as easily as he could his father Journal.

An hour passed and the sun was now gone from the sky replaced by the evening moonlight, as the rain set in Ben spoke up for the first time.

"She told me you know, it took her getting sick but she told me," said Ben to no one really.

"It's like…." Ben was as lost for words as Dean was but Dean understood.

"I know" said Dean as they lapsed back into silence until Ben started to shiver as the rain soaked him to the core, taking off his jacket Dean placed it round his son before guiding him back to the Impala.

The drive back to the motel was a short silent one, throwing Ben a set of his spare clothes to replace the wet ones he wore Dean suddenly found the dampness of his own clothing set in. Shivering slightly Dean stripped and changed while Ben was in the bathroom, once that was done Dean reached for his cell once again and called Lisa to put her worries at ease.

She was worried but grateful for Dean's help and promised not to interfere, to let Ben deal with this in his own way. By the time the call was over Dean now emotionally exhausted just wanted to sleep, heading to check on Ben he was met by a sight that washed away all his fears, doubts and insecurities.

Ben was curled up in the foetal position asleep on Dean's bed, Dean's clothing hung from him too big for his small frame. His jacket draped over him protectively over him as if keeping the Nightmares at bay. Walking over Dean check his wards for the night before settling down behind his son protectively praying that the new light of day would bring new hope.

Dean took one last look at that picture before placing it into the picture in the lining of his jacket, closing the door behind him as he left the room he headed to the others. The air was full of regrets and things not done or said as Dean entered the living room, he could feel the eyes of the neighbourhood on him as he approached Sam and Bobby but he couldn't bring himself to care.

They could think what they liked and the kiss his ass, the only one he cared about today was his son and seeing that he had a change to say all he had too before saying goodbye to his mother. Ben looked younger and so much more fragile then the boy Dean first met who mirrored his image in everyway. Looking up he gave his father a weak smile, though his eyes screamed out in pain as he stood beside his father and his uncles as they began the journey to guide his mother to rest.

Dawn had barely even broke over sleepy Cicero, Indiana, when Dean's cell woke him from his broken sleep. Reaching for it Dean checked that Ben was still sleeping, barely taking notice of the voice on the other end until reality broke though the fog of sleep.

//I'm sorry to break this Mr Winchester, but Miss Braeden passed away at 12.01 this morning. It's take all night to locate someone since she had no living relatives other then her son, I take it being the boys father he's with you?// asked the voice on the other end

"Yeah he's here," said Dean barely comprehending what he was being told

"We will need to speak to you over Miss Braeden arrangements for the funeral and her son, mostly formalities but they still need to done once again I'm sorry for your loss//

And with that Dean found his world coming crashing down as he found himself holding the boy beside him to his chest as he let the tears he'd been holding in finally fall.

Bobby and Sam found them both like that when they arrived a few hour later, the older Hunter brought a comfort they both sort as Sam hurried around dealing with the formalities on Ben and Dean's behalf. Within hours things where set and now all they had to deal with was seeing Lisa to her final rest.

Dean never truly understood why it rained when a funeral started by the sun shone proudly at is end? Sam had once said it was as if the rain guided the mourners but the sun guided the souls, Dean didn't know what he believed but he knew whatever the reason it was keeping him strong for Ben's sake.

A week passed without word or incident for the most part, only on neighbour namely the local do gooder tried to contest Dean's formal right to take care of Ben. They where shot down as most of those whose children had been save by Sam and Dean stood behind the men, believing Ben should be with the man Lisa chose him to be with.

Therefore, as the brothers packed up the Impala the air of pain and loss shared by them both hung around, nether would break the silence as Bobby watched between them and the broken young man in the backseat. Bobby was a great believer that time was a great healer, but to much sorry and loss hung around the Winchester name for one man to deal with.

If they where to pull though this Ben would need Sam and Dean as much as they need him, Bobby prayed that whoever was watching over the boy grant them some kind peace for now before the darkness claimed three more soul for the Pit.