why hello! here is my newest story, 20 Stupid Horror Movie Cliches. I got so sick and tired of watching the same old crap constantly being shown in horror movies that i decided to do a parody of stupid things to do. each chapter will have 2 parts, 2 stupid cliches each. and i will be in the story, directing it. we have highly paid actors to help act out the scenes
takuya: highly paid actors?! you're making us pay you!
me: not you guys, you idiot. the horror movie icons we have all learned to love. people like freddy krueger and jason voorhees for instance. i will give a brief description of the killers before the scene starts, just so you know who they are.
takuya: you hired killers?! are you nuts?!
me: yes....but they wont kill you for real, just for the scene. so you'll be around later anyway.
takuya: oh, okay
me: i now present my newest story! enjoy!
20 Stupid Horror Movie Cliches
cliche number 1- Doll heads
Doll heads strewn around a killer's home: Okay, we get it; this is one screwed-up dude. But how about we try something new, like butterfly wings or iPod Shuffles?
Me: Acting this scene out will be Takuya and the creepy doll, Chucky, from Child's Play. To let you guys know, Chucky was a serial killer who was on the verge of death. Before he died in a toy store, he transferred his soul into a doll. From that point on, he began to track down a new body to transfer his soul into. He uses a different variety of weapons, from a baseball bat, to a knife, to a rake. He is the only killer with a wife (also a doll), though they always try to kill each other. But hey, you would too if you had to have sex with a doll. Okay, now start the scene, dammit!
Takuya: Damn, woman! You don't have to shout!
Me: *into a megaphone* It's the only way to make you listen! Now go!
Takuya: *mumbles and enters a house*
Me: Good, now go up the stairs and into the room furthest away from you on the left.
Takuya: Uh....okay.... *goes up the stairs and towards the room* Who's that talking?
Me: Go into the room and find out.
Takuya: I don't want to! *tries to run, but I knock him down*
Me: Oh, no you don't! Get your ass into the room and see who's inside!
Takuya: I hate my life... *goes into the room* You already told us who's inside, psycho....
Me: Yes, now you can go see for yourself.
Takuya: *looks around to see doll heads all around the room* O_O; Okay, so why are there doll heads?
Me: I dunno. Ask the dude right there. Now if you don't mind. I'm leaving, so have fun! ^_^ *runs away*
Takuya: *sees Chucky sitting in a chair with a magazine, talking to one of the doll heads*
Chucky: *to doll* And I was like 'Don't get up in mah grill!' And she was all like 'Oh no you di'int!' And I was like 'Oh yes I did!'
Takuya: O_O; Get me outta here!
Chucky: *looks up, embarrassed* Uh...I can explain! These are my friends, and they talk to me! You just don't know because you're not a doll! So don't judge me, bitch!
Takuya: Uh...okay....What are you reading?
Chucky: Nothing! *hides his copy of Doll Heads Digest* The newspaper! The comics in fact! Uh, yeah I'm too cool to read something stupid like Doll Heads Digest!
Takuya: Like the one right behind you?
Chucky: .....Awkward......I mean, no! You're imagining it! *burns the magazine*
Takuya: Yeah, sure....But what's with the dolls anyway? Weirdo....
Chucky: I said that they're my friends! I'm having a housewarming, so there! *sticks tongue out* And you're just jealous that you don't have as many friends as I do!
Takuya: *rolls eyes* Yeah, I wish I had two hundred inanimate objects as friends.....Wait....what's inanimate mean?
Me: *calls out randomly* Not alive, you idiot!
Takuya: Oh, right. But anyway, get some real friends, Chucky. You're like a weird emo kid, just like my friend Kouji.
Chucky: Nuh-uh! I am waaaay cooler than your stupid emo friend. In fact, I think you made him up! You don't have any friends! Haha! Who's the loser now?!
Takuya: I do too have friends. I even have a girlfriend!
Chucky: Aww, too bad. I have a wife. Beat that bitch! *to his doll wife* Tiffany! Get your ass in here and bring me a sandwich already!
Tiffany: *a bleached-blond doll wearing a wedding dress and a leather jacket walks in* Stop yelling at me, you little shit! And don't tell me what to do! By the way, here's your sandwich.
Chucky: Oh, peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off! My favorite!
Tiffany: *looks at Takuya* Who's your friend? He's kinda cute ^_^
Chucky: Oh, I dunno the moron's name.... *munches on his sandwich* But as soon as I'm done with this sandwich, I'm going to transfer my soul into his body. That way I won't be a godforsaken doll anymore!
Takuya: O_O; Aw, crap!
Tiffany: Hey, what about me?! I don't wanna be a damn doll anymore either!
Chucky: Calm down, ya crazy bitch! He has a girlfriend, so you can have her body!
Takuya: O_O; Screw this! *jumps out of the closest window and lands in a bush*
Chucky: Dammit..... *finishes his sandwich* Oh, well. Bring me another sandwich, woman! And make sure you make two hundred more for our guests.
Tiffany: Screw you! *runs off to make the sandwiches*
Chucky: *looks at his dolls* You know I love you guys more than my wife. Just don't tell her that.
And so concludes cliche number 1. So onto the next one!
cliche number 2- Vanising bodies
When the hero brings the authorities to the scene of the crime, the dead body is gone: And always so thorough! What, do killers carry around cleaning supplies? Tip: Always take a photo of the body with your camera phone before getting the cops.
Me: Takuya plays the main character, J.P. will be the cop, and there will be a special appearance by Michael Myers from those famous Halloween movies. As a child, Michael was deeply disturbed and killed his entire family, except for his younger sister. After breaking out of a mental institution fifteen years later, he began tracking her down and killing anyone who stood in his way. He doesn't speak so he's either a quiet emo like Kouji or just too stupid to understand how. He has super-strength, and is armed with a big-ass butcher's knife 99% of the time. Michael is also known as the guy wearing white mask that looks like William Shatner. Now onto the scene! Take it away, Takuya!
Takuya: *sarcastically* Gee, thanks. Once again, I'm the one stuck meeting the psycho....
Me: Look at it this way. You're the star ^_^
Takuay: Hey, you're right! Look out Hollywood! A new star has shown his gorgeous face and that face is none other than Takuya Kan-
Me: *hits him on the head with a shovel* Let's not get carried away! Now go into the room and discover the body, dammit!
Takuya: OW! Crazy bitch....*walks into the next room, feeling a rock hit his head* Ow! What the fuck?!
Me: That's for calling me a bitch! The crazy I can deal with! *runs off*
Takuya: Damn....*rubs his head and sees a dead man lying on the floor in a pool of blood* Oh, shit! That's sick! I've gotta find a pig, uh, I mean cop! *runs outside*
J.P.: *is conveniently parked outside eating a donut and watching his favorite soap opera on his mini television* No, Clara! He's not the man you love! It's his evil twin, Jafar!
Takuya: Help! *bangs on the window*
J.P.: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *throws his donut out the window in surprise* Dammit! My donut!
Takuya: Forget the stupid donut! There's a dead dude inside!
J.P.: Come again?
Takuya: There. Is. A. Dead. Dude. Inside!
J.P.: Oh....I'm not following what you're trying to say.
Takuya: Oh, come on! *yanks him out of the police cruiser*
J.P.: No, my soap!
Takuya: Screw your soap! Let's go! *drags him inside*
J.P.: *looks around as Takuya drags him upstairs by his ankle* Nice place you got here.
Takuya: It's not my house! Come on! *pulls him into the room* See the body?!
J.P.: *stands up and looks around* Uh, no.
Takuya: *surprised* What?! Wait, where's the body?! It was here a second ago! I know it was!
J.P.: Kid, I think you're hallucinating.
Takuya: I'm not! And look, there's the puddle of blood to prove it!
Michael Myers: *comes out and begins to mop the puddle up*
J.P.: I don't know what you're talking about. All I see is that nice man mopping the floor.
Takuya: He's mopping up the evidence! He's the killer!
Michael: *looks up for a moment, then resumes mopping*
J.P.: Nah, I don't think so.
Takuya: He's covered in blood, and there's a bloody knife sticking out of his pocket! What's not to believe?!
J.P.: I dunno. I just don't. He seems like a nice guy.
Takuya: *eye twitches* You're kidding, right? It's Michael Myers, for christ's sake! Can't you tell by his white mask?!
J.P.: Oh, William Shatner! I love Star Trek!
Takuya: You stupid bastard! Focus! He is the killer and moved the body! See, it's sticking out of the freezer over there!
J.P.: *looks over to see an arm hanging out of a freezer* Stop being nosy, kid! He can store as much frozen meat as he likes. Maybe he's having family over.
Takuya: Aw, forget it! *runs out*
J.P.: What's his problem?
Michael: *shrugs and finishes mopping the floor*
J.P.: *notices a t.v.* Oh, I can watch my soap opera! *turns it on* No, Clara! Don't kiss him! Aw, you just kissed Jafar! Now the wedding is off and you have to listen to Jafar's annoying parrot for the next twenty minutes!
well, i hope this didnt come out too bad. stay tuned for the next chapter and two more stupid cliches. let me know what you think and if you no likey, well sorry... -_- but i tried. anyway, see ya later!