sorry for taking so damn long...this is the longest chapter yet, as it is the finale. so try not to fall asleep halfway through....or sooner....
also, fuck buddy, i hope you enjoyed the one-sided cyber sex, seeing how that is the closest you'll ever get to having sex in real life with a real person. no, those dolls from the porn shop dont count. and i cant accept that two cents you think you owe me. i cant bring myself to take from the lonely sex-derprived. give it to a hobo and see if he'll give you a handjob in exchange. then again, i dont think anyone is that desperate, even if you offered a hundred dollars. his hand might shrivel up and fall off ^_^ so in the meantime have fun with that colorful mind of yours and hopefully some day if you do have sex, it wont just be a figment of your imagination. see ya fuck face. i mean fuck buddy :P
20 Stupid Horror Movie Cliches
cliche number 10- Lover's lane
The killer stalks lovers in a parked car: What better way to tell her you love her than to drive her into the middle of a field and dismiss any strange sounds she hears coming from outside the car?
Me: Okay, acting this out will be our favorite couple, Takumi!
Chunk: Aww, how come Takuya is the one who gets to be with Zoe?
Me: Several reasons. One is because they are the cutest couple ever. Two is because they are going out anyway. Three is because both of them will kick your ass if you try anything with Zoe. And four is because I SAID SO!
Chunk: O_O Uh..okay! I'm good with that! And can you please call me 'J.P.' again? I'll give you twenty bucks!
Me: Eh, okay.. *takes the twenty and runs* Thanks, Chunk!
Chunk: Hey, no fair! *runs after me*
Me: Next time make sure there's a contract involved. Then we'll talk.
Chunk: Come back! *huff huff* Too much...*huff huff*...running!
Tommy: Well, since she's being chased, I'll introduce the cliche. Kind of. So as you know, Takuya and Zoe will be acting this one out. And stalking them will be Jack Torrence from The Shining.
Kouji: And I'll give the explanation on who he is! Jack Torrence was an author who needed inspiration for his new novel. The solution? Drag his wife and kid to a creepy vacant hotel. Not only does he hallucinate and make out with a nasty old lady ghost, but he also tried to kill his family with an axe. His favorite phrase to randomly yell out is 'Here's Johnny!' Now, his name's not Johnny, but he decided that Johnny Carson had a good catchphrase and decided to steal it. On top of that, he lives in a hotel with those creepy twin girl ghosts. Come play with us! Come play with us! Forever....and ever.....and ever....
Tommy: *conks him on the head* Okay, they get it. Now let's cut to Takuya and Zoe.
[cuts to Takuya and Zoe making out in the backseat of a parked car in the middle of a field]
Takuya: Oh, Zoe...I love you so much.... *kisses her*
Zoe: I love you, too ^_^
Takuya: Let's have sex!
Zoe: What, here?
Takuya: Sure, why not? No one's here. *takes his clothes off except for his underwear*
Zoe: Uh, I guess... *does the same*
Takuya: I call 'shotgun'!
Zoe: Takuya, that term refers to the front passenger seat of a car....
Takuya: Oh...oops...Well then, I get top!
Zoe: You're lucky that you're cute. Or else I would've beaten some sense into you awhile ago for being so damn stupid....
Takuya: Aw, you're cute too. *gets on top of her and begins to kiss her again* Yeah, this is great....
Zoe: *hears something* Takuya? Did you hear something?
Takuya: Mmmm? *is trying to unclip her bra with his teeth*
Zoe: *pushes his head away* I thought I heard a scraping noise.
Takuya: It was probably just the wind or something.
Zoe: No, it wasn't a blowing sound, it was a scraping sound.
Takuya: It's just the paranoia kicking in. But don't worry, we won't get caught.
Zoe: ....Uh, okay... *resumes making out with him*
Takuya: Smack my ass and call me Sally!
Zoe: *smacks his ass* Sally! ......Uh, why did we just do that?
Takuya: I have no idea.....do it again! ^_^
Zoe: *shrugs and smacks his ass again* Sally!
Takuya: Hell yeah! We have crazy sex!
Zoe: But we're just making out right now.
Takuya: Not for long. *wiggles eyebrows creepily*
Zoe: O_O Don't do that again....
Takuya: Yeah, I don't wanna be a perv like Chunk
Chunk: *sitting from inside a studio i rented out* Hey! I resent that!
Tommy: But are you one?
Chunk: *shifty-eyed* ....No.... *looks through a pair of binoculars to watch a girl undressing from inside her house* Oh, yeah....That's hot...
Tommy: Let me see!
Chunk: Eh, you're old enough to see. *hands him binoculars*
Tommy: *looks through binoculars* Wow....
Chunk: Great view, huh?
Tommy: I'll say. That guy on the third floor is playing the new Tekken 6 video game!
Chunk: *falls over anime style*
[back to Takuya and Zoe]
Takuya: Oh, god...I love you...
Zoe: Oh, I love you, too! *kisses him harder*
[a scraping noise is heard against the outside of the car]
Zoe: O_O What was that?!
Takuya: Uh...the wind?
Zoe: Um, no. It wasn't the wind. -_-
Takuya: Okay, it was a woodpecker then.
Me: *randomly from nowhere* The woodpecker plagues me! It's like Edgar Allen Poe's story The Raven. Only in my case it's a damn woodpecker!
Zoe: Ummmm.....okay....Anyway, it was a scraping noise, not a pecking noise. It was like someone dragged a blade across the outside of the car.
Takuya: Awww, you're so cute when you're scared. ^_^ Don't worry, I'll protect you from the scary monsters, even if they are just a figment of your imagination.
Zoe: Figment of my imagination?! By the way, when did you learn the word 'figment'?
Takuya: Today. It was on my Word-of-the-Day toilet paper.
Zoe: Oh, you're using that stuff again?
Takuya: Yeah, it feels good on my butt....and makes me feel smarter....
Jack Torrence: *pops up outside the car* Here's Johnny!
Zoe: *screams and clings to Takuya* Oh, my god!
Takuya: Yeah, now that's what I'm talking about!
Zoe: No, you idiot! There's someone outside the car!
Takuya: No, it's all in your head.
Zoe: He's right there, you stupid bastard!
Takuya: Yeah, I love it when you talk dirty to me....
Jack: *climbs onto the roof of the car and proceeds to jump up and down on it* All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
Zoe: Let's get outta here!
Takuya: Zoe, you're killing the mood.....
Zoe: Killing the mood?! We'll be killed if we don't leave soon! And if we're dead, then no sex!
Takuya: Eeeep! *jumps off of her and starts the car* Let's get outta here!
Jack: *begins to slam his axe down through the roof* All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
Zoe: O_O We're gonna die....
Takuya: Oh, now I see him.....I guess you weren't crazy after all....
Zoe: *hits him* Get us out of here! NOW!
Takuya: Okay, okay! *tries to start the car, only to hear a sputtering sound* What the fuck?! *tries again*
Zoe: Come on! Get us out of here!
Takuya: The stupid thing won't start! *tries again*
Me: Ahhh....the classic 'car won't start' cliche. This one is probably the one of the most over-done in my opinion. Get yourself a reliable car. -_- I swear, either cars never seem to work, or they try to kill their owner. Take a note from the movie 'Christine' for instance.
Takuya: Will you be quiet?! *tries again*
Me: Maybe.... =3
Jack: *slams axe into roof again, the blade only inches away from Zoe*
Zoe: O_O ....We're gonna die...
Takuya: No, we won't! *tries again* Come on, you stupid thing! *tries again, this time finally working* Yes! Let's go! *drives away, causing Jack to fall off the roof of the car*
Jack: Here's Johnny! *stumbles around disoriented*
[meanwhile Kouichi and Kouji are walking around in the woods]
Kouji: Dude, why are we here?
Kouichi: Um, I dunno. I was following you.
Kouji: What?! I was following you! Great, now we're lost.
[just then two creepy ghost girls appear. They are twins and and are wearing blood-soaked dresses]
Girls: Come play with us. Come play with us.
Kouji: Shouldn't you two be stuck in that damn hotel or something?
Girls: Come play with us forever....and ever....and ever....
Kouichi: I'm outta here!
Girls: You sure don't wanna play? You're twins and we're twins, so it'll be fun.
Kouji: What are you girls, like eight or something?
Girls: We died when we were nine, but that was sixty years ago. So we're like adults.
Kouichi: Hehe, old people stuck in little girls' bodies. Ironic.
Girls: Come play with us! COME PLAY WITH US!!!!! FOREVER!!!!!!!
Kouichi and Kouji: Ahhhhhhh! *run away*
Girls: Guess they didn't wanna play jump rope.... Oh, well. We can play with those kids from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. The ones who sing Freddy Krueger's theme song while they jump rope.
Jack: *wanders over* Get back to the hotel and get me a scotch! Just tell the bartender I sent you!
Me: Grab one for me too while you're at it!
Girls: *look at me* Come play with us!
Me: Get me my drink, dammit!
Girls: O_O Okay! *disappear*
Me: *shakes head* Hard to find little kids to do things for me nowadays....
cliche number 20- Last scare
The killer returns from what seems to be their death for revenge: See, this is what happens when people decide to run away before they make sure the monster/killer is really dead. I mean, how hard is it to blow their heads off with a shotgun? Really.
Kouji: If you really think about it, all of us portray characters from horror movies.
Tommy: What do you mean?
Kouji: Well, we have the dumb hot-headed jock, which is Takuya.
Kouji: And I'm the hot rebel.
Takuya: More like lonely emo kid that gets sandwiches thrown at him.
Kouji: *gets hit by sandwich* Who did that?! Anyway, Chunk is the fat dude that gets killed while he goes off to look for food.
Chunk: *eating cookies* Nom nom!
Zoe: What am I? And if you say I'm the stupid whore that runs around half-naked and screws everyone, I'll kick your ass!
Kouji: No, you're not a slut. You're just one of the extra girls that gets killed off. There's at least one girl in every movie who isn't a slut that gets killed.
Tommy: And what am I?
Kouji: You're the kid who gets killed because he's young and not the main character.
Tommy: Oh. What about Kouichi?
Kouji: He's the sex-starved loser.
Kouichi: What?! I am not sex-starved, you asshole!
Kouji: Could've fooled me.
Me: Pipe down, already! Anyway, we are on our final cliche! Unfortunately, I'm too lazy to introduce it.
Takuya: What?! Then who will?
Me: My good friend, Kyo. So while I'm off taking my much needed nap, he'll take my place and explain what's going on.
Kouji: Wait, that's not the crazy dude who's obsessed with bloodshed, is it?
Me: Possibly....Kyo, can you come here?
[a guy with long bluish black hair and wings walks over]
Me: Good to see ya again. ^_^ Ready to introduce the cliche?
Kyo: *looks at the others and bares his fangs* Yes, I am.
Kouichi: This guy?! Are you nuts?! He'll kill us!
Kyo: If I do, I promise not to make you suffer for too long....
Fan girl: Oh, my gaaaaaaaaaawd! I love you Kyo! WILL YOU LIKE MARRY ME?! WE ARE LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET AND DESTINY HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER! I EVEN GOT A TATTOO THAT SAYS 'Kyo and Me 4-Eva!' SO WHAT DO YA SAY?! WILL YA MARRY ME AND MAKE LITTLE KYO BABIES WITH ME?!
Kyo: *rips her throat out*
Fan girl: X_X *dies*
Everyone: O_O; Oh, shit....
Me: Okay, see ya guys later. *climbs up a tree, then proceeds to hang upside down from one of the branches*
Takuya: What are you doing?
Me: I wanted to see how it was to sleep like a bat. So shut up and leave me alone.
Kyo: Okay, idiots. Since it's the last cliche, all of you will be in it. Takuya will be the stupidest one of all, as usual.
Takuya: Why thank you, I-Hey!
Kyo: Consider that as a compliment, as you exceed the levels of stupidity. And don't worry, I won't eat you guys....yet...
Kouichi: So, who's gonna be the killer this time?
Kyo: You'll just have to find out. You never know, it could be me...
Kouji: Um...I think the psycho hanging from the tree said that she was going to hire the predator from the movie Predator.
Tommy: The what?
Kouji: He's an alien-type thing that kind of looks like the love child of Medusa and a lizard man and has a triangular mouth. So why don't you give him a kiss later, Kouichi?
Kouichi: And end up with a triangle-shaped hole in my face?! I don't think so! Plus he's not my type....
Kouji: *smirks* What is your type?
Kyo: Well, while you guys are off getting ripped to shreds, I have my own business to attend to. It's been awhile since I last ate, so I'll be off grabbing some human flesh-I mean food.
Chunk: Hey, grab some for me, too!
Kyo: I don't think so....You don't have the fangs to bite through whatever I'm eating...
Chunk: Uh.....never mind then...
Me: *in my sleep* Start the scene! I'm not paying you guys to stand around!
Takuya: How does she know?
Zoe: She has weird psychic abilities.
Kouji: And she's not paying us!
Kyo: Sucks to be you guys. She's paying me with ten thousand dollars and a truck-load of human blood.
Kyo: Well, it's time for my hunt to begin.*flies away*
Takuya: *sigh* Well, let's get this done and over with....
[they wander over to where the Predator is lying on the ground, unconscious]
Takuya: *pokes him with a stick*
Zoe: Don't do that! You'll wake him up.
Takuya: Then let's run away before he does! *grabs her* Let's go!
Tommy: No, we have to kill it now. If we don't, he'll catch up to us and kill us instead.
Takuya: I don't think so! We're leaving, now!
Kouji: Um, there's a sword conveniently lying on the ground right here. Next to it is a sign that says 'Kill the Predator with this sword. Just decapitate it and he'll be dead.'
Takuya: .....I don't get it.....
Everyone else: -_-;
Chunk: Come on, let's just kill him and get outta here. I'm starving!
Takuya: No, it's too dangerous! *throws a net over everyone and begins to drag them away*
Kouichi: Let us out of here, you moron! We need to kill him now!
Takuya: It's a trick! A trick I tell you!
Chunk: Knock it off, stupid! And can I please be called J.P. again?!
Me: *while sleeping* Okay....
Me: Nah, just kidding!
Chunk: Dammit.... T_T
Zoe: Stop dragging us, Takuya! We have to kill him already!
Takuya: No! I'm getting away so that I'm safe. Why don't you guys realize that what I'm doing is intelligent?
Predator: *wakes up*
Predator: *walks over to them with his big gun*
Takuya: See, I told you that he'd wake up!
Everyone: You dumbass! We could've killed him!
Takuya: *lets them out of the net* Well, sor-ry!
[an hour later]
Me: *wakes up from nap* Kyo, you around here?
Kyo: *flies over* I brought some grub. Here's an arm, two legs, a torso, and a head! Take your pick.
Me: I'll go with one of the legs...and where are the others?
Takuya: *is in the net hanging from the tree* NO! Stop hitting me! I'm not a pinata! OW!
Predator: *keeps hitting him*
Everyone else: *tied to trees, trying not to laugh at Takuya*
Zoe: Serves you right for not letting us kill him when we could've.
Takuya: *sarcastically* Like I knew that he was going to chase us and tie you guys up, then turn me into his own personal pinata!
Kouji: Well, now you're paying for it. You bring the term 'idiot' to a whole new level.
Chunk: Hey Predator! I bet he has some candy in his butt!
Takuya: You asshole! *gets hit in the ass* Ow, my ass!
Tommy: Why'd you do that?
Chunk: He stole my candy bar the other day. Besides, it should hurt him less to get hit in the butt anyway, seeing how a human has more fat there to cushion it.
Kouichi: I'll say, Fatass!
Predator: *is wondering why there is no candy and keeps hitting him*
Takuya: Ow! You'll pay for this, Chunk!
Chunk: Yeah, whatever.
Zoe: Well Chunk, it looks like you might not get to have lunch for a little while....
Chunk: What?! No food?! Nooooooo! *breaks free of the rope and collides with the predator, knocking him out*
Everyone: Wow, thanks for breaking the rope.
Takuya: Good, now let me down!
Kouichi: *cuts rope, causing Takuya to crash to the ground*
Takuya: Thanks man...Tweet, tweet....I see little yellow birds flying around my head. Hello little birdies! Would you care for a hamburger?!
Chunk: Hamburger?! Where?!
Kouji: In Takuya's head. -_-
Chunk: In his head?! *shakes Takuya around, hoping that a burger will fall out* Where is it?!
Tommy: Stop, before you give him more brain damage!
Me: Can't damage what he never had! By the way, I'm eating food, Chunk! Nom nom, it's sooooo goooood!
Chunk: Nooooo! I need fooooooooooood! Now I'm going to starve!
Me: Yeah, that might take you a year or two....But that wraps up 20 Stupid Horror Movie Cliches. I'd like to thank myself for the hell of it, the highly paid actors-
Kouichi: We weren't paid!
Me: Not you, the killers! And this video camera that I found on the side of the road. And last but not least my highly-paid friend Kyo, who brought me lunch and took over when I was lazy.
Kyo: *is eating the head* When I'm done with you guys, there won't by a single drop of blood left in your systems!
Everyone: O_O; Uh.....
Me: See ya later awesome readers! And keep a lookout for my future stories!
Takuya: Don't! They'll cause permanant brain damage!
Me: Who asked you?! Even though he might be right....for once in his life.....Here you go, Takuya. A shiny gold star!
Takuya: Oh, a star! *puts it on his shirt* I'm so smart!
Everyone: No, you're not!
Kouji: I feel like we're missing a cliche, though.
Random black guy: *comes out of nowhere* Hey, what's up? I'm here for the party!
Predator: *wakes up and shoots him dead, then passes out again*
Me: Okay, the overdone killing of the black guy has been done. I don't want people to think that I'm racist, cuz I'm not. But you know that the black guy or pretty much anyone who isn't white, usually dies at some point. I never understood that....But if anyone was offended, I apologize and didn't mean to come off as offensive. So on that note, bye!
Takuya: Yeah, eveyone say bye to Ashley!
Me: You're not supposed to tell them my real name, you stupid bastard! *smacks him upside the head* What's the matter with you?!
Takuya: Haha, I revealed your name cuz you were so mean to me in this parody. Now we're even cuz now you're gonna get a bunch of weirdos knocking at your door!
Me: Yeah, good luck finding me based on my name...*hits him again* I hate you...
Eveyone else: We do too!
okay im finally done with this story. if there are any cliches that anyone can think of, i will write another chapter and do them. just let me know ^_^
one-shot lemon (untitled as of right this second): coming out really soon (i promise). extremely detailed an not recommended for people who hate lemons. three times more graphic than my previous one.
Lost Paradise: my next story, also coming out soon (within a week or when i finish falling from grace). its your standard horror movie where people get hacked into bits. rated M for sexual situations (not a lemon though), language, character death, and tons of torture and violence. (my first character death story) yay!
Untitled (so far)- sequel to Bloodbath. hoping to get this out by the end of November or beginning of December. Rated M for language, violence, and brief sexual situations
The Thirteen Ghosts (may change title)-not completely sure if ill do this one...but we'll see. based on the movie 13 Ghosts. not a true crossover, but it wil have some characters from the movie (mainly the ghosts) Rated M for language, violence, and possible character death. probably be out by the end of December or beginning of January if i do it.