Author's Note: Thanks so much to mummacass for this brilliant push. And, as always, thanks to tonnie2001969 for being such a wonderful friend, co-author and beta (She co-wrote this one!!). As ever, we don't own Criminal Minds.
The Donut of Shame
His cry of indignation could be heard all over the bustling emergency room.
"You shot me in the ass!" David Rossi yelled, then moaned in pain as he shifted against the thinly-covered gurney.
"But Agent Rossi, I didn't mean to," Spencer Reid gulped out, his hands waving in an erratic pattern as he shifted his eyes from team member to team member. Finally landing on the tiny blonde standing directly beside the man on the bed, Reid said, emphatically, "Tell him, JJ. Tell him that I'm innocent!"
"Innocent, my ass," Rossi ground out, pressing his face into the flimsy excuse for a pillow.
"But it's such a cute tushy!" Garcia said with a barely hidden smirk, staring at the propped up rear end of the great profiler.
"Quit looking at my ass, people!" Rossi snapped, trying to shift around to glare appropriately, only to find that any movement aggravated the injury that much more. He was screwed. Royally screwed.
"Now, Dave," JJ began, smoothing her hand against his shoulder, "I'm sure that Spence didn't discharge his gun on purpose."
"Of course I didn't," Reid quickly agreed. "It was a simple accident! It could have happened to anyone here."
"But it didn't happen to anyone here, it happened to me!" Rossi shouted. "I swear to God, Reid, if I ever get off this gurney-"
"Dave, it was an accident," JJ soothed.
Resisting the urge to chuckle, Hotch asked, "Could somebody please tell me how I should write up the report on this?"
"Report?" Rossi roared, jerking his head around to glare at their Unit Chief. "There's not going to be a REPORT on this, Aaron."
"Dave, a gun was discharged inside of the Federal Building. Inside our bullpen. Trust me, there's gonna be a report."
Choking on his laughter, Morgan bent over as he chortled, "Then Strauss is gonna have it framed and hung in the lobby."
"Can't you just see the headlines of the next BAU newsletter? David Rossi Takes One Up the Ass!" Emily said, gasping in laughter.
"Not even remotely funny, Prentiss," Rossi snapped out as he pulled the thin sheet tighter around his body. "You people got better things to do, right? Or is watching a co-worker in pain the highlight of your day?"
"Well, now that you asked," Prentiss shot back conversationally, "I can always find time in my schedule to enjoy the view."
"Yeah, and I'd say we've got the best seat in the house right now," Morgan snickered, not holding back as he guffawed.
Reid looked around the room, his eyes widening as he asked, obviously worried, "You all don't really think Chief Strauss will really launch an investigation, do you? It was an accident, I swear!"
"Get with the program, kid," Morgan grinned widely, "We're already beyond Strauss and back to Rossi's ass."
Leaning over to pat his arm, Penelope said sympathetically, "Don't worry, Reid. We'll all be there for you. Nobody believes you did it on purpose."
"I do!" Rossi yelped furiously as he shifted uncomfortably.
"No, you don't," JJ shot back quickly, leaning down to stare into his furrowed face.
"Yes, I do, Jen," he whined out. "Who in their right mind would choose the middle of the BAU in the Federal –freaking – Bureau of Investigation to practice his Wyatt Earp quick draw impression?"
"Honestly, Agent Rossi, it was a simple maneuver. I don't know how it went so horribly wrong," Reid said, shaking his head in consternation.
"You don't play with a loaded gun, Genius! You especially don't play with one anywhere near my goddamn ass!" Dave yelped indignantly, as the nurse began dabbing the wound with alcohol.
"It was unloaded…well, except for that one in the chamber," Reid mumbled.
"You MEAN the one currently residing in my ASS, Reid?" Dave barked.
Ignoring the occupants of the room, the nurse said professionally, "This may sting a bit, Agent Rossi. I need to probe the wound."
"Holy Mary, Mother of God," Dave shouted, as the nurse poured alcohol into the wound. "What the hell are you doing back there lady? Trying to get the alcohol directly into my bloodstream."
"It's important we thoroughly cleanse the wound before the doctor extracts the bullet," the nurse said calmly.
"It's clean, damn it!" Rossi barked.
"Your definition of clean and the medical version of clean may differ drastically," the purple-scrubbed woman replied without raising her eyes from her task. "And I'm sure you'd agree that an infection is this area of your body is not something that you wish to happen."
"Did you hear that, Reid?" Rossi called out, gritting his teeth. "Now the woman's talking about an infection in my ass! Wasn't it enough that you filled it with lead? "
Reid cleared his throat and said, somewhat defiantly, "I really don't think that I can be blamed if immune system chooses to react unfavorably to the intrusion, Agent Rossi. As a matter of fact, if you take into account the sheer number of nosocomial infections that are acquired in medical facilities on a yearly basis…."
"I don't give a rat's ass, Reid!" Rossi roared, then jerked in pain as he yelped, "Holy hell!"
Turning as much as possible, he glared at the nurse, "You did that on purpose!"
Sighing patiently, the nurse smiled tightly as she said, "Sir, that was a small injection of a local anesthetic to numb the area before the doctor arrives to remove the bullet."
"Couldn't you just knock him out?" JJ asked, her voice pleading.
"I wish I could oblige you, ma'am," the nurse said, exchanging a sympathetic look with JJ.
Looking from JJ to the nurse, Dave growled, "I'm overwhelmed by the show of support here."
"Speaking of support," the nurse murmured, turning toward the metal medical cabinet in the corner, "I've got a present for you Agent Rossi."
"What?" Dave asked grumpily, "Another heaping helping of you sterling bedside manner?"
"No," the nurse said sweetly. "I'll provide that, regardless," she replied, reaching into the cabinet and pulling out a plastic circular pillow with a hole in the middle. Handing it to JJ, she smiled, "His donut, ma'am. Make sure he sits on it after the doctor patches him up. He won't be sitting on solid surfaces for a few days."
"Oh, hell, no!" Rossi barked out, narrowing his eyes at the woman. "I will not lug around some embarrassing piece of plastic for the whole world to see!"
"That's your choice," the nurse replied calmly, walking toward the door. "But I have a feeling that you and your posterior will be most grateful for the relief in the coming days."
"David Rossi, you could have been nicer to the woman," JJ chided him, waving the donut at him.
"Jen, get that thing away from my face!" Rossi groaned, turning to look in the other direction.
"Yeah, it's not his face that's gonna need it," Morgan snickered to Prentiss.
"The donut of shame," Prentiss agreed, not even bothering to choke back the laughter that rolled out with her words. Pointing at the round item, she said, wiping away the tears, "We all know that cops love donuts!"
"David Rossi, Donut Man," Hotch added dryly.
"Oh, God!" Dave groaned. "That's what they'll call me! Fifty-two years old, and I'm gonna go out as The Donut Man!"