This is just a revised version of the original 'When Akatsuki Teaches Sex Ed'
Some new stuff. Some old. But completely revised.
Crack!fic; you have been warned.
It was a beautiful day. The sky was clear save for a few marshmallow puffed clouds that provided some shade from the heated sun every once in a while. The birds were chirping, the insects buzzing, the wind blowing, the deer prancing, the bunnies hopping, the three pre-teens held captive against their wills, the water in the nearby babbling brook washing over rocks, the-
... Wait... what?
It had been an ambush. Team Kakashi had been strolling along on a rather simple C-rank mission to escort a client from point A to point B. And then the Akatsuki had dropped in true Batman style, quickly taking out the three little ones and Kakashi who vowed right then and there to stop taking escort missions as they always ended in meetings with some sort of S-class criminal. He had been knocked out, left in the clearing to his own devices, as the other three were taken away. Naruto so they could extract the Kyuubi, Sasuke because secretly Itachi enjoyed taunting him, and Sakura because why the hell not?
Naruto was struggling to free himself while the majority of the Akatsuki took pleasure in watching his horrid and downright pitiful attempts. They had to wait for their Leader to arrive before they could perform the extraction of Kyuubi. Sasuke was busy glaring daggers at his amused brother, hoping the force of the infamous Uchiha glare would cause Itachi to simultaneously combust (and though he would never admit it, Deidara was secretly rooting for Sasuke, because he hated Itachi, and that would be beautiful and artistic if Itachi just randomly blew up.) Every once in a while, the younger Uchiha would let Itachi know how he truly felt about him. Hidan was commenting on Sakura about how she would make a good sacrifice and that Jashin-sama always enjoyed the virgins more, which brought about a question that would scar the genins for the rest of their lives (no matter how long or short it may be.)
"What's a virgin?"
The criminals in the area shared a look of horror as Deidara dropped his clay bird which fell to the ground with a 'splat'. Seven identical horror stricken faces turned to stare at the source of the question: the blonde haired Jinchuriki.
"You don't know what a virgin is," Kisame asked faintly.
"No," Naruto answered.
"Idiot," Sasuke muttered in reply.
"What was that bastard," Naruto growled, thrashing around in an attempt to hug Sasuke. With his hands. Around his neck. Tightly.
"I said 'idiot', idiot," Sasuke said.
Naruto growled, "Yeah, well I bet you don't know what a virgin is either!"
"Of course I do. It's the first press of olive oil," Sasuke smirked.
"Oh... my... Kami..."
"Jashin," Hidan corrected.
Sasuke looked up at to see his brother practically hyperventilating in horror. Kisame, alarmed by the foam that was coming out of his partners mouth, did something nobody should ever do.
He smacked his partner.
There was three solid seconds where everybody was sure Kisame was going to murdered in the most gruesome and messy way possible; but the look of sanity returned to the elder Uchiha's eyes.
"... Hn," He grunted his thanks.
Hidan's shoulders sagged, "I thought there was going to be blood," he said dejectedly. Kisame reached over and patted the man on the arm as he sulked in the corner, drawing Jashin symbols in the dirt.
"What were we talking about, uhn," Deidara asked.
"Letting us go free," Sakura suggested.
"...No," Sasori said blandly.
Sakura hung her head, "It was worth a try..."
"Virginity. And Olive Oil," Zetsu supplied. The look of realization dawned on the others faces.
Sasori turned back to the genin, "That's not the type of virgin we were talking about."
"What kind is it then," Sakura asked unable to quell the thirst for knowledge despite their current hostage predicament... thing.
The Akatsuki all turned to each other.
"Yo, Itachi, what kinda shit do they teach at you school, seriously," Hidan asked.
"They taught Sex Ed back when I went to school," He answered.
"Sex Ed," Sasuke asked at the same time Sakura asked, "What's sex?"
Zetsu and Itachi blinked slowly as if they couldn't believe what they had just heard; Hidan, Kisame, and Deidara's mouth dropped open in shock; Kakuzu froze in the middle of counting a hude wad of cash; Sasori stared; and Tobi was... Tobi.
"What the fuck," Hidan blurted out.
"For once, I agree with you on that," Kakuzu muttered.
"Well, what is it," Sasuke asked impatiently. The Akastuki turned to each other and then back at the hostages.
"Well... where should we begin, uhn," Deidara asked, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Pinky, why do you want to be with the Uchiha brat so much," Sasori asked.
Sakura opened her mouth to screech at the red haired man not to call Sasuke-kun that, but thought better of it, and blushed at the question instead, "Why do I...? Because I love him..."
Sasuke's eyes rolled so hard he could see inside of his head.
"Who says we-," Sasuke began but was cut off by Hidan, "Quiet heathen! Now answer the damn question, pinky."
"We'll get married," Sakura mumbled, turning another shade of red.
"And what happens when you get married," Itachi pressed.
"Uhm, we'll be able to kiss and hold hands and hug," she said quieter still.
Sakura smiled triumphantly at the dumbfounded members.
"How do you think babies are made," Zetsu supplied.
"Did... did he just talk in two different voices," Naruto asked.
"He does that sometimes,"Kakuzu waved away the question, "Now back to the question."
The three genin frowned. How were babies made?
It was silent.
"Friggin' A, uhn," Deidara muttered after a minute.
At this, Hidan stood and declared, "Before you die, we will teach you what sex is."
"I'll go first, since my foolish little brother is among the group, and it is my duty as older brother, and his last living relative to teach him about sex," Itachi said.
Silence greeted him as everybody in the room turned to look at the older Uchiha and stare at him with something close to wonderment.
Itachi's eye twitched, "What?"
"I think that's the most he's ever spoken before," Sasuke breathed.
Kisame sniffed, wiping away an imaginary tear, "You're expanding your vocabulary. I'm so -sniffle- proud."
Itachi gave a deadpanned look and turned back to the three pre-teens, "Sex is an an act of passion between a man and a woman. Well... it's most commonly between a man and a woman, although there are people out there that prefer man with man or woman with woman. It's done for the self-preservation of a species," he paused, "And because of love and pleasure."
"Like eating ramen?"
"Yes, like eating ra- No! Not like eating ramen," Itachi said, nodding his head at first before the words of what the blonde had been saying sunk it.
"But I love ramen and eating it gives me pleasure," Naruto said, "So how is it not like eating ramen?"
"Because you don't eat sex," Itachi hissed.
"I beg to differ," Hidan snickered. Deidara and Kisame high-fived him for that.
"Some kinky woman do," Kakuzu supplied. Itachi waved him off.
"So, you don't eat sex unless you're kinky," Sakura asked, confusion clouding her even more.
"Right. Sort of. We'll get into what kinky is later," Itachi said, crossing his arms over his torso. He opened his mouth to continue, when Kakuzu interrupted him.
"Hidan doesn't screw a girl out of love, he does it out of anger. Trust me. I have to pay for him to get a different room so I don't have to listen to that all night," He said, shooting the Jashinist a loathing look.
Said Jashinist grinned, "Fuck yeah! Angry and hate sex is the best kind!"
"Wait... what," Sasuke asked, his eyebrows knitting together in more confusion.
"So you have sex because you're in love; but you can have sex even if you hate the person. How can you be in love and hateful at the same time," Naruto asked
"Obviously you've never been married before," Kakuzu scoffed.
Hidan paused, "You're married?"
"I was. She died. It was only a couple of days too," he paused as if remembering something, "Still, I got all her money in the end, so I guess that's okay."
"Kakuzu-san... you didn't kill your wife, did you," Tobi asked slowly.
"I said she died."
"I said she died! Drop the topic and stop being a nosy bitch! Most people don't like talking about their dead spouses."
"You're a very greedy bastard," Hidan pointed out.
"Angry and hate sex isn't done out of love, it's done out of pleasure," Zetsu steered the conversation back to the original topic.
"And it relieves stress, uhn," Deidara mused.
Sasuke frowned as Naruto smiled, "Why don't they make ninja have sex when they come home from stressful missions? It sounds like it would help a lot."
"First Itachi said more words than normal, now the blonde said something smart. It truly is a miraculous day," Kisame turned away so the others wouldn't see the emotional state he was in.
"Most people are embarrassed by it," Sasori said. The three innocent ones frowned at this.
"... How do you have sex," Sakura asked slowly. The Akatsuki glanced at Hidan, the most perverted of the group, and shoved him forward. He grinned maliciously, and Sakura shrunk back on herself suddenly wondering why she was there was lightning flashing in the background and a deep laughter that seemed to come from the pits of hell, chuckling all around them.
"Well a man has a -beep- and a woman has a -beep-. Now what the fuck happens is a man takes his fucking -beep- and shoves all up inside the woman's -beep- and slips it in and out. Rough is the best damn way, but some bitches like it slow," Hidan said.
"What in Kami-"
"- name is a -beep-," Naruto cried out, "I've never seen one before."
"... Neither have I," Sasuke admitted, gagging from agreeing with the blonde.
"You have one fucktard," Hidan said and grabbed his pants, ripping it down. The rest of the Akatsuki sighed and introduced their palm to their forehead. Sasuke and Naruto formed an 'o' with their mouths. Sakura blinked.
And she blinked again.
A third time.
"Are you mutated? You have an extra limb there, where there shouldn't be one," She said slowly as if unsure of what to make of that... thing. Kisame, Kakuza, and Deidara snickered.
"Every guy has one of these bitches," he said, "Now take a good long look. Mine's the best one you'll ever fucking see."
Somebody mumbled "pedophile" in the background, causing Hidan's face to redden. He hastily pulled up his pants.
"I don't have one though," Sakura said even slower still.
"No girl has them, because they have a -beep-," Sasori said. She looked at him confused, "It's the thing you cover up with your panties."
"So why do people have sex? You just keep giving all these weird answers...," Sasuke said.
"Foolish little brother," Itachi said, earning a glare, "Sex is used for different reasons. Re-population, love, passion, hate, anger, pleasure. It's also somewhat addicting."
Naruto opened his mouth, but Itachi cut him off, "NOT like ramen." Naruto's mouth closed sadly.
"So any guy can have sex with any girl," Sakura asked cocking her head to the side.
"There are girl's that sell their bodies for sex, uhn," Deidara answered.
"Now those girls are fun."
"Those girls have diseases, Hidan," Kakuza said stubbornly, turning back to his money muttering about not paying his hospital bills.
"What do I fucking care? I'm immortal," Hidan blinked.
White Zetsu opened his mouth to give a very good reason why, he shouldn't , when Sasuke's alarmed voice cut him off, "Sex can give you a disease? Why in the seven hells do you have sex if it gives you a disease?"
"Not all people get diseased from sex," White Zetsu answered.
"But you never know who does have one these days, uhn," Deidara said thoughtfully.
"It's like gambling. Except instead of money, you'll either get good sex, or bad sex," Kisame said.
"I'd rather gamble with money... even if I don't win anything in the end," Sasuke grumbled.
"You need to pick up your game," Kakuzu grunted, "I win every time."
"That's because you slaughter everybody and steal the money in the end," Sasori pointed out.
"Yeah? So? I still win in the end," The miser grinned, nuzzling his precious money.
Everybody stared at him, before turning away, "That was kinda weird," Naruto mumbled as Sakura nodded her head.
"Oh! You never explained what kinky was," she said suddenly.
"Kinky means sexually seductive," Sasori answered.
"Seductive," Sakura asked, rolling the unfamiliar word around on her tongue.
Kisame's jaw dropped, "Oh for the love of Kami."
"Nobody cares about your shitty God, Hidan!"
"I- I never had a family teach me about it," Naruto said softly, looking down at the ground. The Akatsuki almost felt sorry for him.
"Neither did I," Sasuke said, turning a glare onto his smirking brother.
They all turned to Sakura, whose face turned red, "My parents always changed the subject to something stupid like birds and bees whenever I asked."
"Sex also proves that men are weaker than woman," A soft voice said emerging from the shadows. Everybody turned to look at the pretty girl with amber colored eyes, soft blue hair, and a figure Sakura was immediately jealous of.
"Konan," Itachi dipped his head diplomatically in acknowledgment.
"Pein-sama will be joining us soon. However, I decided to come down here and found myself listening in on a very interesting conversation," She said smoothly.
"How much have you heard?"
"Ever since Deidara said girls sell their bodies for sex."
"Sex makes guys weaker than girls," Sakura asked thoughtfully, glancing at Sasuke out of the corner of her eyes. Said Uchiha saw, and tried, unsuccessfully to scoot away from her.
"She's lying," Kakuzu said.
Konan snorted, "Oh please. Don't even try and pretend that when you see a sexy girl in a tight shirt and shorts that accentuate all her assets, you don't lose yourself and become dogs."
(There was a pause as all the male Akatsuki's took time to imagine such a woman.)
"You... become dogs," Sakura cocked her head to the side.
"Does that mean Kiba's had sex before," Naruto asked.
"No, no. Well, I don't know. But that's not what I meant," She said frowning. She couldn't figure out how such naive people became ninja in the first place. Sakura should have at least been told. She was a kunoichi! Some of their missions involved getting into the beds of their targets!
"What the hell do they teach you at your Academy," she asked.
"That's what we asked, uhn."
"Listen up," Konan said, pushing Hidan away from the genin, "Sex is a way to make men submit to you. If you deny them sex, they will do anything you ask."
"That's a fuckin-mmf," Hidan grasp at the paper Konan attacked to his mouth. She glared at him.
"It will...," Sakura said slowly, a crazed look coming over her face, "So if I have sex with Kakashi-sensei, can I see what's under his mask?"
(There was a another pause as everybody present took time to imagine what Kakashi's face looked like under his mask.)
"That's not a half bad idea," Naruto said.
"No, I don't think...," Konan sighed, "Sex is a way for men to submit to you, but you shouldn't do it shamelessly. It always had consequences. Like pregnancy and diseases."
"How do women gat us to submit to them," Sasuke asked, determined to not let anything happen to him. Konan smirked; Itachi, Deidara, Hidan, and Kisame scowled; and Sasori, Zetsu, and Kakuzu stared.
"Sex is powerfully addicting," She purred.
"Like me and ramen," Naruto grinned.
"Yes, I guess that would be a good analogy," Konan said thoughtfully, as Naruto "Ha!"ed the elder Uchiha, who sent a glare at the idiotic blonde.
"Now, what do we know about sex, uhn," Deidara asked.
"It's used to make babies," Sasuke began.
"It makes men submit to us," Sakura continued.
"It's addicting like ramen-
"It gives diseases-
"It's used for various emotions-
"You become an Inuzuka by having sex-
"You have sex by sticking a guys -beep- into a girl's -beep-
"You can buy it at like a marketplace or something-
"Kinky is a type of sex-
"Sex helps in mission-
"Sex brings shame to your family name-
"It's like ramen!"
The Akatsuki blinked at the innocent children.
"Seriously," Hidan muttered, breaking the five minute silence that followed said children's answers.
"Wow...," White and Black Zetsu said at the same time.
"You, my foolish little brother, are pathetic."
"My non-virgin ears ache with the innocence of naive Leaf nin, uhn!"
"Hmm, maybe I should start kidnapping girls and selling them for money."
"That's hardly appropriate, Kakuzu..."
"Hey, Sasori, do you have a -beep-, being a puppet and all?"
"What kind of stupid question is tha- what the hell are you trying to take my pants off for!"
"... I'm confused," Naruto said after a few moments.
"It's okay. Tobi doesn't understand what sex is either," The lollipop man said, making the three genin jump, just now realizing he had been sitting next to them. They had forgotten he was there, "Because Tobi is a good boy!"
"Wait! Does sex make you evil," Naruto asked.
"Mama Tobi told Tobi once that sex was bad, dangerous, and horrible; and the end result of it could unleash a horror so devastating that it could literally cause everybody to want to kill themselves to spare themselves the agony," The man said. (Mama Tobi had been talking about giving birth to Tobi, but Tobi could hardly be old enough to register the sarcasm)
"So sex can make you into an S-class," Sasuke pressed.
"Yup. That's why Tobi has never done it, because Tobi is a good boy!"
The three genin stared at the lollipop man for a total of 6.04 seconds of imagining something completely sinister that would cause everybody in the world to want to kill themselves; before Sakura burst into tears, Sasuke vowed vengeance against the Akatsuki for tricking him, and Naruto screamed, "STUPID AKATSUKI BASTARDS! BELIEVE IT!"
It had been several weeks since Kakashi had woken up on the forest floor, radioed into ANBU for back-up, tricked Genma in taking his escort charge without pay, and rescued his adorable genin from the grasp of Akatsuki; and he still couldn't figured out what had scared them so much.
Naruto refused to go near ramen; and even though he went through a withdrawal, he was getting better.
Sakura hissed whenever a man got by her. If they did, she would scream, saying she would not believe the Akatsuki and submit to men. A couple of times he heard her muttering that the Akatsuki had probably switched the men and women roles. Whatever that meant.
Sasuke sulked for a long time, growling at random moments, muttering every so often about how he was in utter awe that his brother had managed to trick him once again and that he was growing weaker and needed to train more.
Months seemed to pass, when one day, Kakashi was called into the Hokage's office. He looked at Iruka, Shizune, and Tsunade.
"Kakashi I've called your team here because I think it's high time that they learned about sex. Being their sensei, I figured you'd want to be here and add your input due to your... expertise," She said, knowing that Kakashi was definitely a lady's man when he wanted to be (which was everytime he wasn't on duty)
"Ma, why don't they teach it in the Academy anymore," he asked, rubbing the back of his hand.
There was an awkward silence, that was broken by a cough from Iruka that sounded suspiciously like "School budget cuts."
There was a knock at the door, and Tsunade called the three kids in. Sakura skipped in, Naruto bounced in, and Sasuke strolled in.
"What's this about Shishou," Sakura asked. The adults in the room exchanged looks.
Kakashi shoved Iruka forward.
"Well, you guys are growing up and maturing. I think we should take a step into your adulthood. We're going to teach you about sex."
For the rest of Kakashi's life, he would never understand why, at that moment, Sakura burst into tears, Sasuke paled, and Naruto screamed in horror that caused the entire village to pause and look at the Hokage tower in curiosity.
"NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
The three ninja's fled from the room and were missing for a week, before they were found huddled together in Sasuke's basement muttering "The horror." over and over again.
What ever that meant.
Hope you liked it!
Sorry for the mistakes.