Yay. We Passed.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Note: Technically, this could very well be an AU because the whole premise requires that Sasuke actually pay attention to what goes on around him. It could happen though. It's not even that out of character, really, because the more Sasuke learns about other people, the more he can feel superior to them. :p
"You…" Kakashi growled at his three apprehensive testees. "Pass!" he smiled. God, he loved scaring preteens.
"Yay!" Naruto cheered. "I'm going to be a Ninja!"
"Isn't this great, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, beaming.
"You could show some enthusiasm, you know," Naruto snapped. "It won't kill you."
"Yay. We passed," Sasuke said monotonously.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Naruto demanded.
"Do you really want me to answer that?" Sasuke asked rhetorically.
Naruto answered anyway. "Yes, I do, actually."
"The complete list would take far too long to get into and is far too personal so let's just go with: I'm on a team with my most annoying fangirl and the most hyperactive person I've ever met. And my sensei is a pervert who doesn't seem to understand the concept of showing up on time," Sasuke recited.
"I am not a pervert," Kakashi denied unconvincingly. He paused. "You have a point about the lateness, though."
"Huh?" Sakura was oblivious. "But Ino-pig isn't on Sasuke-kun's team…"
Sasuke ignored her. "You were reading porn during the test and you molested Naruto."
"Huh? He did?" Naruto was also clueless.
"He shoved his fingers up your butt," Sasuke said bluntly. "That is just so completely inappropriate that I almost lack the words to describe it."
"So…he shouldn't have done that?" Naruto asked, clearly still confused.
Sasuke just stared at him for a moment. "Whoever raised you failed. Epically."
"I agree," Sakura nodded, although her reasoning was more along the lines of Naruto being annoying and constantly asking her out - much like she did with Sasuke - instead of not knowing what sexual harassment was.
"Sakura's agreeing with Sasuke?" Kakashi asked. "Somehow, I'm not surprised…"
"Even if you don't like us, we still get to be Ninja!" Nothing could dampen Naruto's enthusiasm right now. "You should be more excited!" he admonished.
"Why?" Sasuke wondered. "It was inevitable."
Kakashi actually stumbled back a step, looking horrified. "Oh, dear God, don't tell me I have a Neji on my team. Naruto already seems kind of like Lee…I actually wouldn't mind it if Sakura were more like Tenten, though. At least that girl acts like a Ninja…Still, it wouldn't do to recreate Gai's team; he'd never let me live it down."
"Why?" Naruto challenged. He, much like Lee, disliked the concept of fate. "Because you're just that awesome?"
"Considering I graduated at the top of the class, I'm think I can safely say 'yes'," Sasuke agreed. "But that's not why."
"Then what is it, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked dutifully.
"I'm the last Uchiha," Sasuke said, as if that explained everything. Seeing that the others clearly didn't think that it did – even if Sakura attempted to hide it – he reluctantly continued with, "Sakura was the top Kunoichi. I honestly have no idea how that happened, but she is. And Naruto's the Hokage's favorite. Kakashi is one of the best Jounin in the village, retired from ANBU, and it the only person in Konoha with a Sharingan."
"What's a Sharingan?" Naruto asked.
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "My Kekkei Genkai."
"What's a Kekkei Genkai?" Naruto followed up.
Sasuke shook his head in disbelief. "If Iruka and the Hokage didn't like you, you never would have graduated. Someone explain it to him before I have an aneurysm from sheer stupidity."
"A Kekkei Genkai is an ability passed down genetically in specific clans. Kekkei genkai and their related jutsu cannot be taught or copied by others, but it is possible to confer the ability to another person if the bloodline is centralized in an organ, such as the eyes, via organ transplants," Sakura lectured.
"Oh. But then why'd you say he was the only one? Don't you have the Sharingan too?" Naruto asked innocently.
Sasuke's eye twitched. "It'll happen."
"But…I thought Naruto was just put on our team so we, as the top two students-" Sakura began.
"Shino ranked higher than you and Shikamaru's smarter," Sasuke interrupted.
"Would balance him out since he was the dead last."
"Sakura, only nine of the twenty-seven potential Genin will pass today! How does it make any sense to place the best in the class and the best Kunoichi on a team with someone who sucks so badly they can't even graduate normally after three tries and jeopardize our chances of becoming Ninja?" Sasuke asked rhetorically.
"I can do a Kage Buushin!" Naruto said defensively.
"Can you do a regular buushin?" Sasuke inquired.
"No…" Naruto hung his head.
"He was only placed with us so he would become a Genin," Sasuke concluded.
"But…we almost didn't," Sakura protested, unable to believe she was actually arguing with her idol. What was wrong with her today? "If you hadn't shared your food with Naruto-"
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Of course I did; I may not have caught on right away, but I'm not stupid and Kakashi spelled it out for us. This was about teamwork over blind obedience. He said 'don't feed Naruto' and then conveniently left. It was obviously another test. If we didn't get it after that, we were too dense to pass, politics be damned."
"Politics?" Kakashi asked innocently. "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, Sasuke…"
Sasuke snorted. "Like hell you don't. Let me predict who else will pass: Team Eight and Team Ten."
"Who are on those teams?" Naruto asked.
"Team Ten is Ino-Pig's team!" Sakura exclaimed, gasping.
Sasuke nodded. "Yamanaka Ino, Nara Shikamaru, and Akimichi Choji are the children of the famous Ina-Shika-Cho team. They are an extremely effective and well-known team who still work together now. The odds of their three children – who just happen to be the same age and have names that are also compatible to be shortened to Ino-Shika-Cho – being on the same team by chance is laughable. They want to try and recreate that teamwork. And just look at their sensei!"
"The man who was smoking?" Sakura asked. "Who was that?"
"Sarutobi Asuma, the son of the Sandaime," Sasuke replied.
"Sandaime- jiichan has children?!?!" Naruto was shocked by this stunning revelation.
"…You've met his grandson," Kakashi pointed out. Or not so stunning.
"Oh yeah…" Naruto said sheepishly.
"Since that team is already marked to pass, they put the Hokage's son as their teacher to strengthen the ties between the Yamanaka, Nara, and Akimichi clans – which, while not elite, are certainly respectable – and the office of Hokage," Sasuke explained.
"You know, that is kind of suspect," Sakura conceded, and not just because it was Sasuke who said it.
"I never would have pegged you for a conspiracy buff, Sasuke," Kakashi remarked.
Sasuke looked puzzled. "But we only met today."
Kakashi coughed awkwardly.
Sasuke raised an eyebrow delicately. "Am I mistaken?"
"No…" the Jounin lied.
"I don't really know what you guys are talking about," Naruto confessed, "but if Sakura-chan says it's suspicious then it's suspicious! What about Team Eight? How do you know they passed?"
"Team Eight contains Hyuuga Hinata and you do not fail clan heiresses, no matter how useless the clan head thinks they are. It is simply not done. You especially do not fail the heiress to the second-most prestigious clan in Konoha. Therefore, they pass," Sasuke said simply.
"What's the first most precious clan in Konoha?" Naruto inquired.
"That would be me," Sasuke replied.
"You?" Naruto repeated. "One person can't be a clan, Sasuke."
"I totally can be. Besides, the only other living relative I have lost clan privileges four years ago," Sasuke said, looking thunderous for a moment before his expression cleared.
"If there's only one person in your clan, how in the world is it more prestigious than the Hyuugas?" Naruto pressed.
"The fact that I'm the only one adds to my prestigious," Sasuke explained. "I'd like to see any of them get half the preferential treatment I do…"
"Who else is on the team?" Sakura asked. "Kiba and Shino, right?"
"Indeed," Sasuke nodded. "Shino, as you know, ranked directly below me so we know he's good. Additionally, the Aburame and Inuzuka clans, while greatly respected by Ninja, are regarded as 'creepy' by the civilians due to their extreme connection with animals. They are on the rise, however, and they've been placed with an up-and-coming genjutsu user named Kurenai who I've heard desperately wants a Genin team anyway. Besides, with the abilities of those three, they would make an excellent tracking team."
"Oh, she's totally dating Asuma!" Sakura exclaimed.
"…What does that have to do with anything?" Kakashi asked.
"I guess it doesn't," Sakura admitted. "But she is."
"And what about your team?" Kakashi asked. "Why do you think you were guaranteed to pass?"
"The other six Genin were all from Ninja clans and all of the people who failed were not. The entire village seems to love me and it would look really, really bad if I were to fail. Not to mention that as the last Sharingan user, my importance as a Ninja is far greater than if there were dozens of my relatives running around, as is the case with the Hyuuga. Naruto's here because the Hokage likes him, like I said, and Sakura just got really lucky. There were no other students who needed to pass so they just put the top-scoring Kunoichi with us," Sasuke finished his explanation.
"That…that's so unfair," Naruto complained. "They worked hard for years and in the end they fall short because they don't have inflectional enough relatives? How are they supposed to make something of themselves if no one will give them a chance?"
"I realize you're probably over-identifying with them, but since you passed you should just be happy and move on," Sasuke advised. "Not to sound trite or anything, but life's not fair and the Ninja World is even less so. It's politics, plain and simple. Although I suppose you could say that, as clan members, they each bring their own clan techniques to the table, be it the Byakugan, dogs, bugs, shadow possession, body-enlargement jutsu, possession techniques, or the Sharingan itself."
"Wow," Sakura said at last. "Now I'm even MORE glad to be on your team, Sasuke-kun."
"I didn't think that was even possible," Sasuke responded.
"Neither did I," Sakura confided. "But apparently it is."
"…I never said you were right, you know," Kakashi piped up.
"But you didn't bother denying it," Sasuke pointed out.
"That's because, well…look, a perfectly reasonable explanation!" Kakashi pointed behind them and, when they all turned to look, vanished.
"Wow, I never thought blatant favoritism would work in my favor," Naruto commented.
"So, are we, like, meeting tomorrow, or-?" Sakura asked.
"Whatever," Sasuke shrugged, walking off. "He wants us, he knows where to find us."
"Sasuke-kun is so cool..." Sakura sighed, trailing after him.
"Oh for the love of...how hard can it possibly be to untie me?" Naruto demanded. "You guys are the worst teammates ever!"