OMG Hi guys. Long time no type, gah sorry. I can't believe Heartbeats ended! ): Merr, Anyway. I do not own Heartbeat; if I did it would still be on TV. Wait, Does anybody own heartbeat anymore? *Cunning plan being formed* .This Chapter Is Extremely OOC, but its just a bit of fun. Enjoy...

It was exactly 9am when Joe Mason entered Ashfordly Station. He was greeted with a chorus of welcome as he took his usual seat, and took his paper work out of the draw.

"Come on then lads, where's my cupper?" he asked with a cheeky grin on his face.

"Get it yourself you lazy sod!" exclaimed Don, leaning back on his chair with a cocky smirk.

Joe let out a mock irritated sigh "Oh alright, but if I should somehow burn myself, after my lack of sleep. It will be on your head!"

Joe left his seat and entered the kitchen. He was just stirring the milk into his tea when a piece of paper on the notice board caught his eye.

Due to the recent disturbances at Ashfordly Station, Sergeant George Miller has decided on the following rules. These must be followed to keep the smooth running of the station, and to preserve mental health of all who work here.

Joe temporarily forgot about his cup of tea, as he charged back into the other room. "Have you seen this!" he asked, referring to the piece of paper in his hand.

"No, what is it?"

"A piece of paper!"

"I guessed that much, what does it say on it genius?" replied Don sarcastically

"Urm, maybe I shouldn't read it out" Joe replied unsure

"Why? Come on give it here!" Don said, saying to snatch the piece of paper off Joe

"Nah, its alright, I'll read it."

PC Don Weatherby

You are forbidden to come to work dressed as Elvis Presley, not matter how 'cool' you think he is. Not only does it scare members of the public, you look ridiculous.

"I thought I looked rather dashing..." Don said, sulking.

You may not lock PC Younger in the cells and force him to listen to Elvis Presley all night. Him having bad taste in music is not a punishable offence.

"At least he agrees you have bad taste in music..." Don said, cheering up slightly.

Stop confusing the locals with long words. We are in Yorkshire for heavens sake!

"I find that comment offensive…" said Alf

"Its only true!" Don argued "You do get confounded by long words"

"Err, what does confounded mean?" asked Geoff

"And my point is proven."

Don't refer to PC Mason as 'Jock'. It will only result in you being punched in the face, again.

"That hurt!"

PC Joe Mason

You are forbidden to drive your motorbike into the station, and nearly run PC Younger over. No matter how fun it is.

"Ooh that was fun!" exclaimed Joe, his face lighting up.

"For you maybe…

Stop flushing Alf's cigars down the toilet. Not only does it block the toilet up, we all know how Ventress behaves without his fix.

The three young constables gave an involuntary shudder.

Under NO circumstances hide inside one of Mr. Scripts coffins, and then jump out at him. The mans on the verge of a heart attack without your help.

"You did that?" Alf asked, shocked.

"It was Halloween…" Joe answered defensively.

Stop referring to your bike as 'Wendy'. Not only is it creepy, I am fed up of Nurse Cassidy storming in every five minutes asking if you are having a secret love affair with it.

"You named your bike Wendy?"

"Yes, Wendy's a nice name!"

"Okay then…"

Stop punching Weatherby.

"God that was only like…." Joe hesitated, and then started counting on his fingers.

"15 times" answered Don

"Oh. Sorry about that mate"

Alf Ventress

Please remind Oscar Blaketon that he no longer works here, therefore he can not come around when he pleases.

"Doesn't he think I have told him? Oscar's a force to be reckoned with!"

"Oh come on! Sure he's a pain, but he has helped us before" Joe reasoned


*Awkward silence*

"Anyway moving on..."

If you must smoke, please do it outside, preferably 10 meters away from anything flammable.

"The cheek of it!" said Alf, outraged "Is he saying that I'm unable to have a fag without setting fire to something!"

"Well there was the whole fiasco with the door…" Geoff started, but was silenced by a glance,

'Nipping' down to the shop for a pork pie during your work hours, is not longer acceptable. Especially if you leave Younger in charge.

"Does he want me to starve!" demanded Alf

"But Mrs. Ventress already packs you a lunch, doesn't she?" enquired Joe

Alf muttered something under his breathe in response

"What does he mean, especially if you leave Younger in charge!" asked Geoff

"No offence mate" Joe replied "But you are kind of, well you're not, oh how do I put this?"

"Geoff you're a complete and utter idiot sometimes, I wouldn't leave you in charge of a goldfish, never mind a police station!" said Don, cutting right to the point as always.


While you work here and while I am still in command of this station you answer to me, not Mrs. Ventress.

"He hasn't met her…"

When giving the local school children a tour around the station, please refrain from telling them stories about the 'Ghost of Ashfordly station'. You wouldn't believe the amount of phone calls I had from angry parents whose children kept having nightmares.

"God Alf and you think I'm bad for scaring Bernie!" exclaimed Joe

"The children loved it!" defended Alf "they were squealing with delight"

"Screaming with terror more like..." muttered Geoff

PC Geoff Younger

Stop bringing animals into the station! Half the ones you bring in are not even strays; you've just stolen them from outside a shop!

"That was only once!" demanded Geoff "I miss Ringo, he was a great cocker spaniel…"

The police car is not an appropriate way to pick up chicks.

"Pick up chicks!" asked Don laughing "he's never picked up a chick in his life!"

"He doesn't mean girls" explained Geoff, slightly miffed at being offended yet again "He means actual chicks. I heard this farmer was selling them, and I know Dawn likes cute animals so…I thought I could woo her with one"

"Theres a great chat up line" joked Joe "Want to see my chicken?"

"I thought it was a good idea at the time!" replied Geoff "Well I did until the chickens started shi-"

"Moving on!" interrupted Alf

Being 'abducted by alien' is not a reasonable excuse as to why you were late to work. Please arrive at the station on time, or at least come up with better excuses!"

"Abducted by aliens! What were you thinking?"

"In my defense, it was early and I hadn't slept well"

Don't go around the station singing ABBA, not only are they terrible, you are an awful singer and it will only result in Weatherby locking you in the cells!"

"Mamma Mia! Here I go again, my my, how can I resist you?" Geoff started singing

To a chorus of

"Ow, my ears!"


"Shut up!"

Prank calling Oscar Blaketon (Yes I'm talking to you as well Mason!) is immature and a complete waste of police time. Especially my time when he comes to complain about some anonymous calls he has been getting, I see enough of the man as it is without your intervention.

"Spoil Sport"

"Grow up!"

"Well me' hearty's" said Joe in an odd accent "The list has ended, but the message still stands. Will we stand for this!"


"Good" he replied "I suggest…A MUTINANY!"


"Urm...Where did the music come from?" said Alf, looking suspiciously around the room

"Why are you talking like a pirate Joe?" asked Geoff

"The most important question being, how did I get stuck with a bunch of crazies like you! Demanded Don

"So many questions, most of which I don't know the answer to. There is not a second to loose, let us discuss our mutinany over a bottle of rum" with that Joe skipped back into the kitchen

"By rum does he mean…?"

"A cup of tea? Yes"

"Won't that be cold by now..?"

"I think the cup of tea being cold is the least of our worries…."

The End.

WOW, that was rather terrible. I must admit I like the idea of Joe in a pirate hat (;

So yeah, im running out of ideas people. Any suggestions? Please review, if you ask nicely I'll even give you my address so you can send burning (quite literally burning) hate mail through my letterbox(: Thanks Guy's and Gal's!