I Do Not Own Harry Potter. JK Rowling does and I make no Money from this
AN This is somewhat of a parody that popped in mind and would not leave. Don't blame me for it. I had to write it or else I could not continue with the current fic that I am writing. I apologize ahead of time.
How Harry Potter Really Defeated The Dark Lord
"Students welcome back from your holiday break!" The Headmaster addressed the students. "Unfortunately you will have to leave tomorrow. You see Voldemort has found a way to take over Hogwarts without any kind of a battle. Hogwarts is to become a muggle Heritage site. The Ministry and the Board of Governors are fighting it, but until this gets resolved school is to be suspended indefinitely. Enjoy you Leaving Feast."
The entire hall was silent. Then a loud stream of muggle and wizard curses filled the air.
"WHAT!!!" Shrilled Hermione Granger. She shot up with a look of anger on her face, waves of magic emanating from her causing her hair to frizz up more.
The entire Gryffindor table jumped up and scrambled away, cowering against the wall and leaving the angry witch to herself. They knew better then to get in the way of Hermione when it came to her studies.
"Voldemort can fight me, curse me, and torture me all he wants, but nobody, nobody gets in the way of my NEWTS!" She yelled out angrily.
The professors pulled out their wands and pointed to the harridan that was approaching them.
Hermione stopped directly in front of the Potions Master Severus Snape and glared at him in anger.
"This is your fault Professor!" Pointing her wand at him.
"I assure you Miss. Granger that I had nothing to do with this. I was merely a messenger." He told her, eying the wand pointed at him.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor for…" Snape started but stopped as he looked to the angry student's eyes for they had turned blood red.
Snape backtracked fast. "I meant twenty points to Gryffindor for showing dedication to your studies!"
The professors sighed with relief as Hermione turned back to normal and glared at Snape for a moment and walked back to her seat.
Soon the rest of Gryffindor joined her after casting the necessary shield charms upon themselves.
"Blimey Hermione! You're scary." Ron told her as he helped himself to a roll.
"Yes, and believe me it will get worse." She muttered as she sat there with her arms crossed.
Harry sat and watched his friend, not saying a word.
Two weeks later found Snape sitting at the Head Table reading "Rules and Regulations of Heritage Sites" when Lord Voldemort appeared without notice.
Voldemort waited for the wizard to bow before him.
"Severus…" The Dark Lord growled.
"I'm sorry My Lord, but the book states that all staff are to be treated equally and fairly so that means I do not have to bow to you any longer as we are both staff."
Voldemort pointed his wand to his servant and uttered "Crucio".
He watched as Snape fell to the floor moaning in pain. He held the spell for a few moments and lifted it.
Snape immediately went and bowed at Voldemort's feet. "My Lord!" He gasped out. "That book is evil. It just sucks any kind of common sense right out of you."
"Do not let it happen again Severus." Muttered the Dark Lord.
"So my plan is coming along. We can always snag one or two muggles per tour and have a steady supply for my Revels." Voldemort stated as he rubbed his hands in glee.
"My Lord, the book states that we are to treat our guest with respect. I'm sure torturing would not be considered respect." Severus nervously told him.
Suddenly the doors to the Great Hall banged open revealing the Golden Trio striking a pose similar to the TV Show Charlie's Angel. They held the pose for a moment and then started to walk where Voldemort and Snape was standing.
"What the hell was that?" Hermione muttered as she began to walk.
"Ah Harry Potter and friends!" Sneered Voldemort. "And who is that you have with you?" Noticing the slight man next to him.
"I'm glad you asked. This is barrister D. A Justice, the only wizard in Britain involved in Muggle Law." Hermione sweetly replied back.
"Do you know who I am Wizard?" The Dark Lord asked menacingly.
"Yes, you are Mr. Tom Marvolo Riddle according to the title of this estate." The barrister nervously replied. "I have been retained by Mr. Harry James Potter to address this. It seems that you are not the only surviving relation to Salazaar Slytherin after all. And he contest the creation of a heritage site."
Harry smirked at Voldemort as he pointed to his scar.
"Severus, take care of this "barrister"!" Voldemort commanded.
"My Lord, I can only refer him to the Heritage Legal Department. My hands are tied as I am the proprietor of this site." Pointing to the shiny name tag that said "Severus Snape, Proprietor."
"I'll deal with you later Severus!" The Dark Lord growled.
Barrister Justice cleared his throat. "If we can get back to the business at hand. I have researched ancient law and found a clause where this can be all resolved without years of court. In ancient Scotland it was not uncommon for duels to the death to resolve many issues. This applies in this case."
Voldemort looked to the wizard in disbelief. "All I have to do is kill Harry Potter to resolve this?"
"That's it. The wizard that wins gets all rights to the castle and land forever. I'm really sorry to be involved with this Mr. Riddle because if you win I am sure you will kill me very slowly. But you have to understand she found some very incriminating photos of me."
The barrister walked over to Snape and handed him the legal papers as Snape began to review them.
"My Lord, it seems that what the barrister says is true. If you and Mr. Potter agree that is." Snape called out.
"Well Harry I get what I want in the end. Or are you too scared to face me alone?" Voldemort coldly asked.
"I am not afraid of you Tom! I am afraid of Hermione. You do not know how she gets when studies are interrupted. Besides, she has incriminating photos of me as well." Harry replied. "I accept the terms."
Hermione and Ron joined Snape at the Head Table as the barrister indicated that the duel should begin.
Snape pulled out his wand as he casted a protective shield over the table to prevent them from being killed. He handed out popcorn and nachos and told them that there was more in the cafeteria.
Hermione looked at Snape. "What's wrong with you?"
Snape pointed at the book and shrugged.
A bureaucrat Snape seemed so wrong. She took the book and hit him over the head with it, rendering him unconscious.
"Say, these nachos are really good." Ron replied not bothering to watch the duel.
Meanwhile the destruction in the Great Hall continued as Harry and Voldemort battled. Soon Voldemort fell unmoving.
"Well, that's it I guess. I thought it would be a lot harder." Harry said.
"If he does not revive in ten minutes then the title is yours." Justice called out.
Voldemort picked himself up. "You did not think I would go so easy did you Harry?" He called out as he sent an Avada curse out. Harry barely dodged it and the duel began again.
Meanwhile Snape became conscious and pointed his wand at the Heritage book and growled out "Reducto!" reducing the book to a pile of ash.
"Many thanks for curing me of that insane book. I feel back to normal." Snape told her as he pulled a book from his robes.
"Miss. Granger, I've been reading a book by J.K. Rowlings called the Deathly Hallows. I have some information to show you." He handed her the book and pointed to where she should read.
Meantime Voldemort picked himself up for the fourth time. "Give up Potter!" Voldemort growled. "I cannot die!"
Hermione called out "Harry you need to kill him three more times! He has horcruxes. Seven of them! You have to use them up."
Harry shouted as he dodged a spell "How do you know Hermione?"
"A book of course!" She shouted back.
"Now read this Miss. Granger." Snape said as he pointed to the epilogue.
Hermione glanced over to where Ron was still busy stuffing his mouth with nachos. Two kids with him?! She groaned to herself.
Snape looked to her and darkly chuckled. "I see you are upset by the future." He flipped the pages of the book to where Harry Potter was reviewing his memories. "Now read this."
She read it and looked to Snape. "Is this all true?"
"It is. I do not see how that muggle writer knew as I have never met her." Snape replied.
"Oh you selfless wizard!" Hermione exclaimed as she threw herself onto Snape and began to snog him senseless.
Meanwhile, both Harry and Voldemort picked themselves up. They both seemed out of sorts.
"Naked at King's Cross Harry. I never knew you were such a voyeur." Voldemort sneered at him
Both wizards turned when they heard Ron shout out. "Oi Snape! That's my girlfriend. Stop snogging her senseless!"
Voldemort faced the table and saw his right hand man kissing Hermione Granger.
"Severus get your hands off that filthy mud blood at once!" Voldemort commanded.
Harry pointed his wand at Voldemort and uttered "Avada Kedevra!" Green light shooting from his wand and striking and killing the dark wizard.
"No one insults my friend or gets in the way of her studies. You were much easier to deal with than her believe me." He growled to the dead body of Voldemort.
Harry walked over to Hermione and Snape and broke away their snogfest. "Hermione I won!"
"Thanks Harry! I knew you would come through for me." She told him as she jumped off of Snape's lap and hugged him.
Ron still looked to her in disbelief. "You snogging Snape?"
"Oh hush Ron and go get the Headmaster so things can get back to normal." She told him as she eyed the potions master.
Barrister Justice approached them with the legal documents. "Could you sign these Mr. Potter so I can get back to my life? Miss. Granger I do believe you have some photos for me."
Harry signed the ownership papers to make Hogwarts a school as Hermione handed the barrister and Harry their photos.
The Headmaster showed up with a group of Aurours to confirm the death of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Snape wrote down the names of Voldemort's death eaters and handed it to the head aurour.
"Harry my boy you did splendidly." Albus told him as he slapped Harry on the back.
"It was all Hermione's plan Headmaster. You know how she gets when it involves her studies. Voldemort was easier to deal with than her." Harry told the Headmaster with feeling, explaining what had happened.
"Ah Miss. Granger very good plan…." He looked to Hermione and noticed that she had jumped back onto the lap of Snape and was snogging him senseless once again.
Soon everything went back to normal and Hogwart's was established once again. The only thing different was that star student Hermione Granger seemed to amass quite a few detentions in potions.
Hermione: Author if you publish this everyone is going to think you are on crack or something. Don't do drugs you know. And what in Merlin's name was that Charlie's Angel thing. Was it even shown in the UK?
Author: I am only drinking beer. Besides it all worked out well. As for Charlie's Angel not sure. It just popped in my head.
Ron: Those nachos were really good though.
Snape: I'm not complaining. Lot's of snogging and nookie and no torture. Life is grand for me.
Hermione: **Snogs Severus*** I still think you are on drugs. But I really have no complaints either. Snape is such a Dungeon Master!
Harry and Ron: Hermione to much information!
Author: Glad to have made someone happy.
Voldemort: It did not work out so well for me!
Author: Well yes Voldemort. You are the villain after all!
Harry: I think you will lose your fan base after this if you have one. You know Hermione is always right. Don't do drugs!
Author: Run along now. I have my other fic to work on.
Harry, Hermione, Snape, Justice and Ron: You have another!
Author: Well yes, this came up and I could not work on it until I wrote this. I've been working on it since June.
Harry, Hermione, Snape, Justice and Ron: **Groan**
Hermione: I hope for your sake it is better than this fic!
Author presses Save effectively ending all conversation