Disclaimer: I, orgymoogle, do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters or creatures in it. Nor do I own the plots, storylines, or any of its other geniusness. I am merely an obsessed fangirl, writing a fanfiction and wishing it was true.
A/N: Hey guys. (: Sorry I haven't updated in forever. I know I suck. xD I also know that excuses are the lamest thing ever, but I'm gonna dish 'em to you anyway, lol. I've been role playing a LOT, which has been taking up all the time I used to use for writing fanfiction. But I've decided to try to even that out so that I have more time for you guys, too. Also, other fandoms (mostly Tokio Hotel) have been clouding my vision and so sometimes it's hard to get into the minds of the characters in KH. xD But I'm definitely gonna try harder...especially since I've finally decided that shorter chapters more often are better than no chapters for months. So. Expect chapters, but don't expect them to be this long all the time, lol.
So thank you all SOOOOOO much for waiting so long for this and being so patient, and for sticking with this story! I love you. :'D And I'm sorry for making you wait so long... . But ya'. Love ya'll. 333
WITHOUT FURTHER...UHH...WAITING, HERE'S THE FOURTH CHAPTER, YAH? ;D
- Saving Me -
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
My ass still hurt the next morning. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to sleep, but at the same time I couldn't wait to get out of there. Not that I was looking forward to school, but...it felt weird to be at my house now, just living there as if nothing had happened. I would have left the night before, but...after that, I didn't have the strength. Nor the will to move. Somehow I'd made it into my room and then immediately I'd passed out. I was still filthy, sore all over, and had several bruises covering my body.
I don't know how long I laid in bed once I'd woken up before actually getting out of bed. I'd woken up before my alarm had the chance to go off, so I wasn't going to run late. I was actually still thinking of just skipping school that day. In my opinion, I had a pretty damn good reason to.
For some reason I'd never expected to get raped by my father. I guess...it's just not really something you could imagine your own father doing to you, no matter how drunk and angry he got, or how irresponsible and messed up in the head he was. I mean, I suppose I'd thought about the possibility of it once or twice before, but...fuck. I just didn't think it would actually happen.
I let out a long sigh into my pillow-I was laying on my stomach on my bed, under the covers. At least he hadn't come back for more. But that made me wonder...would he later? Would he fuck me over again the next time he got drunk, or maybe just when he got bored? I frowned at the thought and sighed shakily, closing my eyes. I sat like that for a moment or two, trying to rid my mind of those thoughts. Finally, though, I stretched out as much as I could without it hurting too bad and opened my eyes, then sat up. I really didn't want to think about that. But something told me I should. To prepare for it. Or, hopefully, to avoid it.
With droopy eyes I scanned over my room, noting the clothes, books, and papers that were thrown everywhere. I spotted some empty cigarette boxes and what had been bottles of beer in the corner, too. With a slight feeling of...hopelessness, I looked back down and ran a hand through my mop of hair, letting the blanket slide off of my shoulders and land on my bed as I did so. I suddenly felt very bare and exposed when I did that. A shiver ran through me and I tried to wrap my arms around myself, but a cry of pain escaped me before I had the chance to stop it, and I found that it was impossible to move my left arm all of a sudden. Oh. And it hurt like hell.
Fuck. That's right. It was broken. Frowning, I carefully moved to the end of my bed and slowly stood up. I hissed in pain as I did so, but ignored it for the most part and hurried to cover myself. However, once I'd found some semi-clean clothes to wear I realized I really needed to take a shower. Sighing, I grabbed the clothes with my right hand and took them with me as I walked over to my door. My left arm hung limply and painfully at my side. The old man who had broken said arm was probably still asleep, so I could just walk across the hall to the bathroom and shower...but I peeked out the door and made sure he wasn't there, just in case. I was naked, and...I didn't want to be in front of him like that. Never again. I could hear him snoring lightly from the living room, though, so with that I opened my door fully and walked across to the bathroom, quickly closing the door behind me. I thought about my next move for only a moment before locking the door, even though I wasn't planning on taking a very long shower.
I dropped my clothes on the floor and turned the shower on. Another shiver ran through my body, shaking it violently. Once the water from the shower had warmed up a bit, I stepped in and closed the shower curtain. My skin jumped when the water first hit it, but I quickly eased into the warmth. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes, stepping under the shower hose completely. The water drenched me from head to toe. It soaked my hair completely so that my bangs stuck to my face, and the heat reduced the tension in my muscles. It felt relaxing, soothing. And I desperately needed that right then. Especially if I was even going to think about going to school. Hell, I might just leave the house and decide to skip. But what was I gonna do about my arm? I couldn't just let it heal on its own without any help at all. It wouldn't heal right. The bone would be all crooked and shit and something told me it would hurt like hell.
Damn. I hadn't remembered how much I loved the shower. It made me temporarily forget about my worries, completely soaking me in the warm water, like a blanket that was being put over me to keep me warm.
But suddenly it wasn't hot enough. I frowned, opening my eyes slightly under the water. It took a moment for them to get used to it, and when they did I reached a hand forward, turning the shower nob further towards 'hot'. I let my arm drop and closed my eyes again. But once they were shut, something flashed through my vision. I recognized it immediately, and it made my eyes shoot right back open in panic. They stung when I did so, since they were still under the water and it was hotter now. I cussed and closed them again, stumbling back as a hand reached up to my face to shield them. And then there was that frightening image again, causing my eyes to open once more.
Screaming. I could hear screaming. I could see the blurred image of a man, moving back and forth, back and forth...I could see blood. I could feel the same tears I'd felt the night before, streaming down my face...only now it was water from the shower. Not tears. Not yet.
My breathing had quickened. I wasn't exactly sure when, wasn't exactly sure why. My heart pounded loudly in my chest. The water that was dripping down my body no longer felt soothing, nor cleansing...rather it reminded me of how filthy I was. Reminded me of how it felt to have those hands running along my bare skin, touching me, torturing me...
Anger and impatience was rising within me. I stepped forward, noting that I was back under the running water but I didn't care. It needed to be hotter. I turned the shower nob so that the water was a great deal hotter, and I hissed when it landed hot on my skin. But I only retreated slightly before drenching myself in it. It made it kinda hard to breathe, since whenever I inhaled from my nose all it sucked up was water, not air. But I didn't care right then. I didn't pay attention to that.
It wasn't enough. The water wasn't enough. I looked around for soap and realized there was none. But there was a bottle of shampoo. I picked it up and with difficulty, because of my one broken arm, squeezed however much I could out of it-which wasn't much-with one hand. I rubbed it all over myself, and it became all bubbly and soapy. Most of it rinsed off of me quickly, due to the water.
I still felt as filthy as a whore.
I was very angry now. I was getting frustrated and upset, so I reached forward and turned the shower nob as hot as it could go-surely that would get me cleaner. It felt like I was being boiled alive. Stuck in an oven filled with water to burn and die. And it felt like that's what I was going to do. Die. I knew I was getting bad burns. I had to be. But I didn't turn off the water. I began rubbing at my skin again, to help the water work better. Rubbing quickly turned into scratching, which soon became violent. I scratched so hard it was like I was trying to get the skin off rather than just get it clean. It felt like that was the only way to get clean.
Before I knew it, my left arm was not only broken, but now it was bleeding, too. I wasn't even sure when it had started bleeding, but it was. Everything hurt like hell. Burned like hell. Heh. That was an ironic saying.
I was panting now. It hurt. Fuck, it hurt. Blood was now accompanying the water down the drain. But I wasn't clean yet. I had...to get clean. I hated feeling so filthy. But now I couldn't even breathe. There was so much steam, and standing right under the boiling hot water coming from the shower head was becoming unbearable. I stayed under the water, though. For some reason I just couldn't get myself to move. Not yet.
That was when I heard ringing in my ears. That got me worried. Extremely worried, cuz' it sounded all too real. Maybe I really should get out of the shower...
And then I realized what the ringing sound was. It was my alarm clock. With a shaky hand I reached forward, grabbing blindly for the shower nob. I gasped when my hand kept slipping off of it, but finally I was able to hold onto it long enough to turn it. First I was only able to turn it a bit, just able to reduce some of the heat and pressure that was scathing my skin. It felt so good and so terrible at the same time. Because it wasn't enough. My body was begging for more. No, it was desperately needing more of that relief. With a slippery hand I was able to turn the nob on cold, and I gasped when the cool water hit me. It was freezing, compared to the hot water from merely moments ago. My body had an odd reaction. It spasmed, twitched, and violent shivers ran through me several times. It felt so good but at the same time it hurt like hell. Anything did, right then.
The cool water chased away the heat, gave me air to breathe, felt like ice on my skin after I'd been completely scorched. But I didn't leave it on for long. I could still hear my alarm clock in the distance, and it was bugging me. Plus, I knew it would wake my dad up. Which had me thinking, 'oh shit'. I turned the shower knob completely, causing the water to stop. I was still panting, though not quite gasping for air anymore. I stood like that, my hand still on the shower knob, my body weight leaning on that arm and keeping me up, for quite some time.
Exhausted. That was how I felt. A series of pain had fully taken over my body by now, and it felt positively terrible. I felt like collapsing. The only thing that was keeping me conscious at this point was the ringing in my ears. It just kept on ringing, ringing...
Slowly, and carefully, I pulled back the shower curtain and lifted one leg out of the shower with a hiss of pain. I bit down on my lower lip hard, so I wouldn't scream as I moved my entire body out of the shower. My eyes crashed shut and shot open, my vision was blurry and I felt like I was going to keel over and die. But in the background I could still hear that God forsaken ringing.
I felt like...I wasn't fully aware of my surroundings and situations when I moved. It was surreal. Like I was slipping in and out of awareness, and I just didn't have the capacity at that moment to care...or to even think of caring.
I grabbed a towel, not even bothering with my clothes as I wrapped it around my lower half with some trouble. I could faintly hear something else, too. It sounded like a voice. An angry voice. My hand and fingers kept slipping on the doorknob as I tried hard to unlock it, and once I had I viciously turned the knob and pushed the door open. I felt incredibly dizzy and my vision was blacking in and out, my breathing completely uneven as I stumbled across the hall and into my room. Once I spotted the alarm clock that was still ringing, and ringing, I nearly lunged after it, almost tripping over several things in the process. My fist slapped down onto it harshly, and I hissed in pain.
But the ringing stopped. It wasn't plaguing my ears anymore. It was silent. Dead.
I frowned at that thought, for some reason, but I didn't have much time to contemplate the life and death of my alarm clock, cuz' I was about to pass out and I could hear my father yelling from the other room. I stumbled back over to my door, struggling to keep the towel around myself and even keep standing. I fell against the door, having successfully shut it now, but at the same time causing even more pain to myself. But at that point it hurt so much I hardly noticed when more was added on.
I wasn't sure when it had happened, but I felt the ground underneath not just my feet, but my entire body. My point of view was now me looking up from the floor. I didn't know what position I was in, I was hardly aware of my surroundings anymore, and as the pain and exhaustion got worse and overtook me, all I could think was;
The ringing is gone. I wonder if Sora can hear the ringing.
Darkness. That's what I could see when I regained consciousness. Though I'd thought, before, that I had already woken up, thanks to the dreams. Or, nightmares, really. But oh, well.
My whole body ached. And burned. It still felt like I was on fire. It was uncomfortable and it hurt. It made me sit up with a loud, pained groan, though it was hard to push myself up off of the ground with just one arm. By the time I was on my hand and knees, it felt as if I had gotten really bad carpet burns or something. Except all over my body. And ten times worse. I managed to sit up straight on my knees, and finally I stood. I felt horrible, like I was about to die, but I hoped that was an exaggeration. I don't know why I should fear death. I had nothing to live for. But when I thought about dying, it scared me, as if I did have something to live for after all. Eh. Maybe it was a subconscious thing. Or maybe I was afraid of where I would go. I dunno. I wasn't even sure if I would go anywhere...does anybody really know?
I braced myself against my closed door and searched around with my hand for the light switch on the wall. To do this I had to lean on my bad arm against the door, which had tears pricking my eyes. Finally I found the light switch and I immediately shifted so that I was on my other arm. My broken arm still stung with pain after that, but my whole body was in pain, really, so I didn't really separate it from the rest.
My turquoise eyes glanced at the alarm clock sitting on my side table. 8:30 p.m. Damn, I'd been asleep for a long time. A humorless chuckle erupted and escaped through my lips. That damn alarm clock. It'd basically driven me crazy right before I'd passed out completely. That ringing...
I frowned when Sora popped into my head. Like...very suddenly. That was...weird. And random. Why was I thinking of Sora all of a sudden? The ringing alarm clock had reminded me of him...but...why...?
And then I remembered, and I felt even more confused. I remembered my thoughts from right before I'd gone unconscious. 'I wonder if Sora could hear the ringing'. Fuck. Now I really felt like a crazy man. Why the hell had I been wondering whether or not Sora had heard the ringing? Of course he hadn't! It had just been my alarm clock. Why had I wondered that?
Now that I thought about it, I wasn't quite sure why I had gotten so upset when my alarm clock kept ringing in my ears in the first place. An alarm clock. Wasn't that big a deal. But when one thought linked to another...alarm clock...alarm...warning...danger...repetitive beeping sound...getting louder and louder...sirens...police sirens...police cars...
And then my thoughts traced right back to the terrible memories of the police cars that I had seen, up close and personal, and the sirens that had rung in my ears for days-even weeks-afterward. Mmkay...so...police sirens. What the hell did that have to do with Sor-
...shit. Of course. Sora looked like him. That's why I'd thought of him. Geez, how screwed up could my mind get? But I guess...it DID make sense. Kind of. I mean...since they looked so alike...I was bound to be reminded of of him when I thought of and/or saw Sora.
Guh. All these thoughts were mixing up in my brain and becoming one; like some freaky psychiatrist, I was putting the pieces together like a puzzle. And although it should have given me relief, it didn't. It only made me more anxious. Not because I could put the pieces together and connect the dots, but because of why they connected. I didn't want Sora to remind me of 'him'. I didn't want those memories coming back every time I saw Sora. I didn't even want to associate the two. It was...scary.
The first thing I noticed when I got to school was that Riku wasn't there. I was a bit disappointed at first, because I always looked forward to seeing him there, but it was okay, because he was late sometimes, so I could wait. But when first period started he still wasn't there. And after second period, still not there. Even at lunch he wasn't there. That's when I really started getting worried. Well, first I was worried. Then I thought...'well, guys like Riku are bound to skip school every now and then. It's probably no big deal to him'. But I didn't like viewing Riku as just 'one of those guys', because he was so much more than that...
So anyway, I tried to excuse it as him just skipping, and that made me think that later I'd have to scold him for it, but for some reason I couldn't shake the weird feeling that it...wasn't just that. Like something was...wrong.
It bugged me all day long. I just couldn't...shake it. Riku didn't have a cellphone, so I couldn't call him, because he hadn't given me his home phone, either. In fact, he'd blatantly refused to do so, so...there was really no way for me to contact him while I was at school, and he...wasn't.
I frowned a lot that day, which was weird for me. Pouting was probably a more appropriate word for what I was doing...because it was kind of pathetic. I was probably making too big a deal out of Riku not showing up, but...I felt like a kicked puppy. I was worried, but at the same time, I had a feeling of...like he didn't want to see me badly enough to show up to school. I know it was...ridiculous, I guess, but that's what I was thinking. I felt like a little schoolgirl...albeit I don't normally mind being viewed as a schoolgirl, but this was different. I think...I had a crush on Riku. And when I had a crush on someone, I really did act like a little schoolgirl.
Oh my gosh! I was crushing on Riku! Wow. He was like...one of those bad boys, and I was like one of the good girls, and we were slowly falling for each other, just like in the movies! I got giggly just thinking about it! But then, I couldn't get ahead of myself...I didn't know that he was crushing on me. What if the feelings were only one-way? This suddenly made me very nervous and anxious, as anyone gets while crushing on someone, and I wanted to ask him as soon as possible but at the same time I was scared to. Because if he rejected me...I'd be crushed.
So after a whole day of obsessing over my newly-discovered crush on Riku, I went home to obsess over it even more. I flung open the door and shouted out as loudly as I could,
I threw off my shoes so that they hit the wall and then fell to the floor, and I slung my backpack somewhere random carelessly. I then marched into the kitchen to find my mom, but when she wasn't there I headed back into the hall and then into the living room. I saw her there, napping on the couch. I chuckled and rolled my eyes before bounding over to her.
"Moooom," I whispered loudly, poking her shoulder. She didn't do anything, so I huffed and sat down next to her. I poked her again, harder this time. "Mooooom." Louder, almost using my normal voice now. She still didn't wake up. With a slightly impatient huff, I yelled; "MOOOOOM!" and she fell off the couch with a yelp, which caused me to do the same. "Ow..." I moaned, rubbing my bum.
"Sora! Goodness, boy, you scared me half to death!" At first she sounded exasperated, but when our eyes met we both started laughing. I stood and helped her up, grinning, and once she got up she put her hands on her hips and cocked them to the side. "So what's up, hun?" she asked, and I bit my lip a bit shyly at first, at the thought of Riku, but then I remembered why I'd wanted to talk to her, and I slowly frowned.
"I'm crushing on Riku," I blurted out, and my mom blinked before grinning.
"You mean the really cute, silver-haired one?"
"YEAH!" I nodded eagerly, getting excited as she did, and before I knew it we were holding hands and jumping up and down.
"AIEEEE~! My little Sora-bunny is crushing on a BOY!" she squealed, and again, I nodded eagerly.
"TOTALLY!" But then I faltered a little. "But...I don't know if he likes me back," I pouted. We stopped bouncing and she looked at me thoughtfully.
"Does he smile at you a lot?"
"Err...well, when he smiles it's usually at me, yeah."
"Do you ever catch him staring at you?" I had to think about this for a moment, but then I nodded.
She grinned. "Has he been responding positively to your signals?"
I gave her a confused look. "...huh?"
She blinked. "The signals you've been giving him...has he been responding to them in a good way?" Now I was the one blinking. She gave me a look of disbelief. "Sora, HUNNY, I have GOT to teach you some things!" Now I was desperate and I nodded.
"Please teach me!" She nodded back and we sat down on the couch, holding hands.
"Okay, first of all, you have to ace 'the look'."
"The look?" I echoed. She nodded.
"Yes, hun." My mom proceeded to teach me 'the look', and it was about twenty minutes before I got it, but when I finally did, she moved on to tell me about the wink, body language, flirting, laughing at everything he said, stretching in a tempting way, and...a whole lot of other things that took me a long time to remember. In the end, I was ready to figure out whether or not Riku liked me or not in the morning...that is, if he showed up at school.