Chapter 11 ~ Epilogue: Goodbye to Pain, and More

After several minutes, Severus roused himself from his post-coital stupor. He looked up at Hermione, who watched him lazily, her fingers entwined in his hair as he lay sated, head between her breasts. He was still embedded inside her.

He had to get up. Move away from her. Return to his own space. He raised himself up on his arms and slowly withdrew from her. Her pelvis lifted slightly and she let out a small sigh as she felt the separation. He offered Hermione his hand, which she took. They both walked over to the bed. Severus stepped aside and gestured. She crawled in and flopped on her back, exhausted. He joined her.

Hermione and Severus lay naked on the four-poster side by side in companionable silence for quite a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Severus had his hands cupped behind his head, looking up at the ceiling, and Hermione lay facing him, studying his profile. She reached out and placed her hand on his lean stomach, feeling the ribbed musculature under her palm.

"I didn't know you were so muscular," she murmured. "One of Hogwarts best kept secrets, I guess. It's probably good that way. If your older female students found out what a hunk you are, even snarkiness wouldn't save you."

Severus snorted.

"When you are in service to the Dark Lord, it's wise to be in shape. I take care of myself as best I can, if only to better recover from constant applications of the Cruciatus Curse," he replied.

Hermione then traced a scar that ran across his chest. "And the scars?" she asked.

Severus sighed, closed his dark eyes and swallowed. When they opened, they had a hard, far-away and haunted look.

"Sometimes, instead of being subjected to Cruciatus, a Death Eater that falls out of favor is given to his fellows for 'punishment', which usually consists of being whipped and bludgeoned within an inch of your life. As you can see, I've been out of favor many, many times."

Hermione continued to touch Serverus, lightly. Suddenly, her breath caught in a small sob, and Serverus turned his head to look at her. A single tear ran down her cheek.

"What's wrong, Hermione?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

"It's so unfair. What you go through. How you have to live. How you suffer and no one cares how much you go through," she said brokenly.

"I think, " Severus said, propping up on one elbow and facing her, the black outline of the Dark Mark partially visible on his pale forearm. "I can be sure that at least one person truly cares."

He brushed a loose curl back behind her ear. It fell forward again. He wiped away a tear from her cheek, softly.

"And that will be a source of comfort and strength for me in the coming dark days. Besides," he said bitterly, "it is my penance. It is the least I can do for taking the mark in the first place. I was a fool. And fools pay for their foolishness."

Hermione sniffed, then moved closer to embrace him. Severus swallowed and closed his eyes as he felt the warmth and concern that radiated from the young witch, who moments before had given herself to him with such abandon. Her soft breasts were mashed against his chest, and her hair, which smelled slightly of jasmine, tickled his nose. He sighed as he gently unwound her arms from around his neck.

"What will be, will be, Hermione. There is nothing you can do to change any of it," he said as he gently pushed her away, placing her arms back by her sides.

She lay there a moment, looking at him intensely, as if memorizing a face she had never seen before.



"Thank you. For this. For showing me what it's like to…"

"Fuck?" he offered helpfully, raising one eyebrow and looking at her with a leering smirk.

"Yeah," she said, smiling at him through her blush. "For that."

"How modest," Serverus intoned with his usual sarcasm, "I guess for you, it's easier to say the word 'fuck' when you're actually in the process of being 'fucked'. You certainly didn't have a problem saying it a little while ago."

Hermione blushed again, then shook her head. "You never will change, will you?"

"No. Not ever." He replied evenly.

His eyes raked over her body. Belly-dancing, that was what she had called what she did earlier. When she had spun his cock over and over like a log rolling downhill as he stroked the hell out of her sweet little pussy. It had been heaven. Hmm. He licked his lips. He was getting curious to see if there were any other delightfully carnal surprises she were hiding from him. He was about to pull her roughly to him when he stopped mid-grab. Something had been tugging at Severus conscience, something he had been pushing to the back of his mind since their last lusty interlude. He had to tell her. She needed to understand the difference.

"Hermione, I need to make you aware of something."

Hermione rose to her knees.

"What?" she asked curiously.

"What we have done here today, what we've shared and the way we've shared it, is not the way sex will always, if ever be, with another man."

He sat up, and slid to the edge of the bed, facing away from her as he continued. It was easier this way.

"Not all men are like me, Hermione. Your next lover probably won't savage your body the way I have. If he is committed to you, he will be kinder, gentler than I am. More concerned with your pleasure, than his own. He will draw your passions out with tenderness, not force.

"Like I told you, I am a selfish man, and there is only one way I've ever taken a woman. The way you've experienced today. All sex is not like that. I don't want you to leave here thinking that your next lover will be just the way I am. My life has made me how I am…it's like I live in a deep, dark, jungle where there is little sustenance and great competition, and like an animal, I viciously claim what I desire, without conscience, without scruples, without guilt. It is how I survive, the only way I know how to keep living."

Severus felt her move. She joined him on the edge of the bed, her legs swinging down to the floor. Severus stared straight ahead as he continued.

"You are beautiful and intelligent, Hermione. Inside and out. You deserve to know what it is to be appreciated with tenderness. You need to know that sharing your body can be more than it is with me. It can be gentle, sensual and fulfilling."

He felt Hermione place her hand on his shoulder. "So show me," she whispered, her amber eyes glistening softly. "Show me what that's like, Severus."

He turned to look at her. His cock throbbed in response to the desire evident in her voice.

"I don't think I can, Hermione. I am not a gentle man. I am not a lover. I'm a possessor, a dominator. When I'm inside you all I want is to tear right through you, and hear you scream my name as I pound into you. I use pain for pleasure, Hermione. I am so used to pain."

Hermione reached out and turned Severus' face to hers. "Use me to ease that pain then, please, Severus. Show me. It's the last thing I'll ever ask of you, if that is what it takes for you to try."

Severus smoothed back her hair, and let his palm cup her face.

"Hermione, after what we've shared tonight, you can ask me anything, and if it is in my power, I would do it for you. Anything but stay with you."

They sat there for a moment, staring at each other.

"Then show me,'" Hermione whispered, her eyes wet. She slid back into bed, stretching out invitingly before him.

Severus swung his legs back up and rolled on top of her, pressing her body down into the bed, his cock resting hard on her belly. He looked down at her, and remembered what he saw in her mind concerning him. How she worried over him, defended him and cared for him. How noble and deserving she felt him to be. How worthy he was of every small joy he could garner in his harsh existence. There was no one else in the world who felt about him like Hermione Granger.

He lowered his lips and kissed her softly on her forehead, then on each eye, on the tip of her nose, on each wet cheek, lingered at her mouth, then moved to her neck, sucking gently. His hands cradled her head as his lips moved over her throat, up over her chin, then claimed her mouth again, gentle but growing insistent as his slid his tongue into her mouth and tangled it with hers, soft but heatedly.

Hermione moved beneath him, answering his kiss with a growing hunger of her own…it was like a slow burn, building, centered at her apex and radiating outward. As he kissed her, his body began to move. He ground his hips into her gently, his hardness exciting her, and she arched upward against him, moaning softly. Still he kissed her, reveling in her warm mouth, his tongue filling that warmth with his own, thrusting questioningly, deepening to the point where he almost caressed her tonsils. Her breath quickened.

Severus drew his hands out of her hair and slid them down over her shoulders, his long fingers pressing and pulling at her skin, feeling her responses to his touch. He slid down, letting his tongue run over her throat as he ran his hands along her arms, stretching them out by her sides, and entwining his fingers with hers. He slid lower, mouth moving along her collarbone, leaving trails of wetness as she sighed his name. He moved his mouth over her breast, biting and licking it gently, releasing one hand and grasping the other breast, fondling it firmly, and tweaking her nipple as he sucked hungrily on the other. Hermione was rolling her hips beneath him, her eyes closed as he lavished each breast and ran his hands over her belly and hips, squeezing, examining, eliciting response with every touch, leaving trails of fire that criss-crossed her body.

She was all sensation, feeling relief only where his hands and lips touched her. Her hands grasped his silky hair as he moved lower, running his lips through her pubic hair, his hands still running over her breasts, down her sides and slipping under her to caress the small of her back, and her soft pliant ass. His cock throbbed, longing to thrust hard inside her…but he held back. He would do this for her.

"Oh Severus…' she moaned as he moved lower, flicking his tongue gently into her wetness, tasting her sweetness, tonguing her labia, nibbling on her clit gently as he circled his arms around her thighs to hold her steady as she responded, thrusting up against his mouth, her hands pushing his face down.

She was so sweet, mewling like a kitten, and Severus forced himself to go slow as his tongue entered her, thrusting like a snake's tongue, drawing out her essence as she moaned his name, and began to whisper entreaties for him to fuck her now. She couldn't wait. He slid his hands back up to her breasts as he kept his face buried between her legs, his slow ministrations driving her wild as he lavished her pussy with his tongue, alternating between long full licks, and short darting thrusts to her clit and wet opening…and yes…she was saying the f-word now. He smiled against her as he grasped her thighs again, delving deeper and deeper until she trembled around him, gasping obscenities she hadn't learned in the wizarding world.

He felt her pussy shudder, and thrust his tongue deep inside her, locking his arms around her thighs as her pelvis jumped and jerked…and she came…calling out his name, her pussy pulsing on his thrusting tongue as he swallowed the honey pouring out of her until nothing was left. He pulled back up, and kissed her mouth, letting her taste her own sweet juices.

She embraced him, her hot core moving against his pelvis and cock. His nostrils flared and he bit his lip painfully to fight the urge to thrust inside her hot, wanting body. Instead he gently turned her over, and lifted her curls, muttering a spell that pinned her hair up, revealing her creamy neck and shoulders. He kneeled over her, his body clear of her, and kissed the back of her neck gently, one hand stroking her back, the other reaching under her, caressing her breast.

He rained kisses over her shoulders and down her back, then began licking, bathing her with his tongue. His cock lightly touched her arse, and she pushed back, rising to her knees, her face still flush to the bed. Oh…gods…she was reaching back, letting her fingers rub her wet pussy. Serverus hissed. Hermione humped herself against him, crying out, begging him for release.

He wrapped his arm around her waist, and spooned against her, rubbing his cock over her ass, between her cheeks and growling deep in the back of his throat. He was sweating now, trying to fight the old urge to storm her entrance.

"Now, Severus," Hermione pleaded…"inside me." She shuddered against him, sobbing with need as he still kissed her neck and shoulders.

"Now it is, then," he murmured against her ear as he positioned his cock at her entrance. "I'm here. I'll take good care of you."

In one long, deep stroke, Serverus filled her completely. She cried out with pleasure, and tried to hump back on him, but he held her tightly, not moving, and not allowing her to move. He allowed himself to enjoy the feeling of being sheathed inside her. He could feel her inner flesh clutching and writhing around his great size, adjusting itself, pulses of warmth bathing him as her lubrication leaked through that softest of softest flesh. It was too good.

She was whimpering, begging him to move, and he did, pressing long, deep slow strokes in and out of her, and whispering tender obscenities in her ears as he fucked her slowly, pressing hard when he reached bottom, straining into her, before withdrawing and doing it again, and again, and again. Once more she began to shudder, and shake. He pressed into her deeply, speeding up just a little to stimulate her, his balls slapping lightly against her ass. She melted, gushing around him, trying to roll her hips only to have him hold her steady as he slowly rode out the throbbing, tightening delight that was her release. He held her close, kissing her throat and telling her she was beautiful, desirable and the had the sweetest pussy he ever had the pleasure of fucking…his sweet nothings could use some work, but his words soothed Hermione, made her feel wanted.

Still hard, Severus withdrew from her and lifted her off the bed, carrying her back to the chair in the middle of the floor. He sat down, made her turn around and sit on his lap, facing him, her thighs spread wide on either side of his outstretched legs. He entered her, watching her face as it contorted with pleasure.

Hermione looked down at him, lower lip trembling … "oh, Severus…" she groaned, her brow furrowed, breasts heaving.

"Now, it's your turn," he whispered hoarsely. "Show me."

Hermione pursed her lips, and began to roll her belly again, the walls of her pussy rolling over his shaft in wave after wave of rippling tightness. Severus groaned, throwing his head back and pulling her down on him harder. Hermione leaned back, a hand on each of his knees and started to rock her hips, angling him inside her, thrusting back and forth, riding his cock like she had been doing it all her life. Severus snarled as she moved up and down his shaft at the odd angle, holding her hips and fighting to keep from bouncing her on his cock like a piston.

Her pussy was so warm and tight. Suddenly she leaned forward, wrapping her arms around him, pressing her mouth to his and thrusting faster. Severus crushed her to him, one arm around her waist, the other on her ass, pushing her forward. His voice was one continuous, dangerous growl as she fucked him faster and faster, gasping every time she impaled herself on him.

Severus pulled back to watch her ride him, her eyes staring into his intensely, her breasts bouncing, her hips thrusting back and forth, rolling over his cock, her belly rippling all of him buried in her, she giving it as she wanted. Suddenly she was on the balls of her feet, slamming down on him for all she was worth, her head flung back, cursing and praising his cock. Gods, it was good, too good…he could feel the familiar tightening in his balls and suddenly wrapping both arms around her waist he stood up, lifting her with him, and started stroking into her wildly, bouncing her hard on the head of his cock, letting gravity help him pull her down until he was up to his balls-deep, his hands curling up around her shoulders and jamming her down with all his might. Hermione screamed and returned his thrusts feverishly, riding the length of him, tears rolling down her cheeks at the sweet wild pain of his possession.

"Yes…yes…yes…yes…yes…' Severus hissed with each stroke, feeling her tightening around him, feeling the enormous pressure building in his balls. Still slamming into her, he ran without losing a stroke and fell with her on the edge of the bed, where he reverted to form, fucking her like a jackhammer, the mattress springs compressing deeply under every stroke and throwing her back up into his driving cock.

Hermione screamed as her third and most forceful orgasm hit her, spinning her up and out into a storm of pleasure where she heard Severus howl out her name from somewhere distant, and was suddenly filled to the brim with a pulsing spurting liquid fire. Severus pinned her deeply to the mattress, embedded so deeply in her as he came, that he swore he had burst out of the small of her back. His body shuddered and jerked, as he held himself flush against her, rolling his hips to get every bit of sensation he could. Veins stood out on his arms and neck, and sweat ran down his body in rivulets as he held himself tight and deep inside her.

As he finished emptying his load into the incoherent woman under him, he felt a sense of accomplishment and completion that had been absent from sex before. Yes, he ended up fucking Hermione senseless, but first, he made love to her. He was patient, tender and thorough, meeting her needs, setting them before his own. It was a first for him.

And a last, he thought as he collapsed on top of her, knees hitting the floor sharply, head resting on her belly, his arms still wrapped around her waist, his cock still inside her. He panted heavily as he listened to her pounding heart. He looked up at her. Her eyes were closed and her full mouth hanging open, frozen in wonder as her breasts rose and fell. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. Exhaustion washed over him and he closed his eyes. They lay like that together for a long, long time.

They rose early the next morning, each taking turns in the loo. There was no shower in the cottage, so they each enjoyed a final "Os Mundus" spell that aroused them both so much, that it threatened to send them back to the bed for a final fuck. But there wasn't time for that. Hermione had to catch the Hogwarts Express within the hour.

"I'll get something on the train," she told Severus, who seemed intent on shoving food down her throat.

"Fine," he shrugged as he bit into a fruit and waited for her to tame her hair. It didn't take her as long as he thought it would. She emerged from the loo, in the white sundress, looking as fresh and as pure as she had when she first came to him. But they both knew she was not the same young woman who was pushed through the cottage door only a day before.

She picked up her overnight bag and walked over to him. She had to drink another vial of the purple liquid upon awakening, because she was so sore from Severus that she could hardly walk. He gave her a dark smirk of satisfaction when she confessed her problem to him.

"Just give me the vial," she said sharply, then giving him a dazzling smile.

Now they were ready to go. Hermione looked around the room one last time.

"I'll never forget this place," she said.

"I'm sure," Serverus replied with a lifted brow.

Hermione smiled again, then moved into his embrace, ready to disapparate. This time Severus placed a Silencing Shield around them to buffer the noise of their appearance at the Hogwarts station.

Hermione closed her eyes, readying herself for the journey. But nothing happened. Severus was looking down at her with an unreadable expression on his face. She looked up at him in question.

"Hermione, I was wondering if …" Severus began, uncharacteristically hesitant.


He cleared his throat. "If you could share that little 'Relaxo' spell with me."

Hermione laughed. "Of course. I'll owl it to you as soon as I get home."

"Thank you."

He tightened his arm around her and they Disapparated.


They reappeared silently at the far end of the station. It was a blur of activity. Luggage was being loaded on the train, students and teachers were milling about, shaking hands and saying their goodbyes. Owls were swooping in and out the crowd with last minute messages. A few stragglers were rushing to the platforms with armfuls of almost forgotten items.

Hermione turned to Severus, who had resumed his stark, scowling manner. It didn't faze Hermione a bit. Not sure exactly what to do, she stuck out her hand.

"I guess this is goodbye, Severus."

The Potions Master looked at her hand as if considering taking it. Then he reached out, grasped it gently and brought it to his lips, dark eyes meeting hers.

"Goodbye, Miss Granger." He kissed her hand, and gave her a curt formal bow. Then, with a final swirl of robes, he walked away.

He was gone.

Hermione took a deep breath, and walked toward the station. She had almost made it to the crowd when she heard a low, silky voice in her head.

Oh, and Miss Granger. Don't forget to send me that owl.

Hermione smiled.

I won't…Professor


A/N: And there we have it. The PWP ~"What Was I Thinking?" is now complete. The sequel, "What Was I Thinking ~ Part 2 is now up and completed as well. Thank you all for reading and reviewing.

A/N/N: There was an outcry at the ending of this story, so much so that I was compelled to write a sequel. I had no idea of what the story would consist of, and it developed a chapter at a time. Since this story was so sex oriented, I felt the need to still have a lot of sex, BUT some kind of story. I'll be posting "What Was I Thinking Part 2" shortly. I might as well put up the whole series. Anyway, thanks so much for reading my very first fanfiction. J