Another Repost

Gone- A Carly Vignette

I stand by the gravesite alone; the other mourners have long since left. I watched them bury him; I watched as the casket was lowered into the hole and I watched as the gravediggers covered the wood with earth. I just stood and watched until I could no longer see the casket and then I continued to watch until the hole had been filled and they left, then once again I was alone.

However, I was alone when the mourners were here, although my husband held my hand as I listened to the priest and my children sat next to me; I was alone. I thought I was alone when he stopped talking to me, but I wasn't; he was always out there somewhere. If I ever really needed him he would be there; it was something I never doubted, never questioned.

Now I am alone though, I knew I was alone even before I got the phone call telling me he was dead. He was the love of my life, I probably knew that from the instant I first met him. However, I was too wrapped up in my crazy plans to notice until I saw him with my son. Our son, our life should have been spent together, but instead we had just a few short months, a few perfect moments, so many opportunities lost. Now all I have left are a handful of memories and a few pictures.

My bodyguard watches from a distance, trying to give me space as I deal with my grief. He could be standing right next me though and I would still be alone. I will forever be alone. I haven't cried, not since I felt his soul leave this earth. The moment it was gone, mine was too. I'm empty now, lost in my thoughts, knowing he is gone to me forever. My body will continue simply to take care of my children, but it will only be a shell. My soul is with his, just as it always has been, intertwined.

I have to go now, otherwise they will start to worry. I cannot let them see that this has destroyed me, for they will try to fix the un-fixable. I know that, just as I know that when the day comes for me to die, I will accept it willingly. I crouch to the earth and touch it gently with my fingers, I kiss the rose I have been holding and lay it on the dirt. "Goodbye Jason" is all I say before I stand and walk away.