Wake Up, Before You Lose It All
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or make any money from these fictions.
Summary: Spock sustains a head injury during an away mission, losing the past three years of his memory. Where does that leave Jim – and the baby he is carrying? K/S slash. Mpreg.
The intercom crackled, and Bones's voice came over.
"Captain - we need you at sickbay," the doctor informed him.
"I'm on my way," Jim answered. "Sulu, you have the conn."
The one away mission Jim didn't go on, and Spock got hurt. Jim had sat by his bedside for hours, but Bones said there wasn't anything that Jim could do and that he had to stop thinking about it.
Stress was bad for the baby.
Jim let his hand fall to his stomach, where their child - their son - was just beginning to grow. Three months pregnant, and so Jim was stuck on the Enterprise when Spock got attacked on the latest away mission. His lover and first officer had managed to contact Scotty just before he hit his head and fell unconscious.
He had been in the sickbay for three days now, and Jim was going crazy with worry. But he needed to be strong - for both Spock and their child.
Jim walked into sickbay, and the first thing he saw was Spock sitting up on one of the biobeds.
He couldn't resist running forward and throwing his arms around his lover's neck, holding back tears of relief as he buried his head in his lover's warm chest.
"Captain, this is highly inappropriate behavior. I have recovered, and as such there is no need for such emotionality," Spock's voice stated, clipped and cold and concise.
Jim pulled back, confused - Spock hadn't spoken like that to him in ages. He was used to gentle tones and fond amusement - especially after Spock had found out he was pregnant.
His Vulcan lover was so protective and accommodating that it nearly drove Jim up the wall.
"Spock?" he asked, unsure, looking into his lover's deep brown eyes.
They didn't contain a trace of the love that he had come to rely on.
"Jim..." Bones greeted, coming out of his office.
"Bones," Jim greeted back, looking at the doctor with pleading eyes.
What was wrong with Spock?
"Jim...he's lost about three years of memories," Bones informed him sadly.
"Three years, two months, five days, and four point two hours, if the doctor gave me the correct current stardate," Spock told them blandly.
It was not morning sickness that caused Jim to throw up his lunch into the nearest bin.
Jim left the sickbay after Bones explained that Spock's memory may or may not come back. Brain injuries and amnesia were tricky, even with 23rd century medicine.
Spock had handled himself stiffly, in the way he had the first few months of their acquaintance. God...three years, gone just like that.
Jim and Spock had barely been friends three years ago.
And when Spock had asked for Uhura?
Well, Jim had to leave. He gave Spock a weak "feel better" and high-tailed it out of there.
Jim's hand dropped to their baby...at least if Spock never remembered their relationship, he would still have their child. He didn't know how he would explain it to Spock in six months when their quarter-Vulcan child was born, but right now their son was all he had left of his lover.
His lover...who was still in love with Lieutenant Uhura, who was really still in love with him.
And Jim, who was the one left behind - because Bones said that just telling him everything that happened would impede his recovery. That Spock had to remember everything on his own, or not at all.
Jim shut his eyes against the tears, using the intercom to tell Sulu that he didn't feel well and was going to his quarters to take a nap - the entire bridge crew was aware of his pregnancy and almost as overprotective as Spock is - was - and so nobody will give him shit.
Jim curled up on their bed, pulling Spock's pillow to his face so the calming scent of his lover enveloped him.
He didn't know how he would explain to Spock that the first officer's quarters were empty...Spock had moved into his a few months after their relationship began. Almost two and a half years now...
Jim allowed himself a few tears, blaming it on the pregnancy hormones.
God, what was he going to do without Spock?
One month later...
Jim was speaking to the Deltan ambassador, trying to ignore Spock and Uhura and their quiet, intimate conversation in the corner of the room.
Jim was the best person for the job right now - Starfleet assigned him this diplomatic mission specifically because he was four months pregnant. It was a little-known fact, but Deltan pheromones did not affect those already gestating, so Jim could be trusted to keep his head the way other people couldn't.
"Captain Kirk, you seem distracted," Ambassador Kai informed him with some concern in his dark blue eyes.
"I am sorry, Ambassador," Jim replied, forcing a winning smile on his face. "I'm a bit tired."
He had found that Deltans were very protective and understanding of pregnant people - something to do with a low birth rate (the pheromones were needed because it took a lot of sex before a Deltan could reproduce...). The ambassador immediately pulled out a seat for him at a nearby table, helping Jim find a comfortable position off his feet before they continued their small talk.
"Where is the child's other father?" Kai asked with a small frown, asking the question that Jim dreaded the most. "Should he not be nearby in case you need anything?"
Jim let his gaze drift to Spock, still conversing quietly with Uhura. Scotty and Bones were over by the free bar, trying to ignore the Deltan pheromones. Sulu and Chekov were dealing with it their own way - with each other. Jim smiled wanly at the ambassador.
"The child's father is unable to be in his life at the moment," he informed him quietly, avoiding all mention of names and particular circumstances.
The Deltan looked at him, shocked.
"Does he know that your are with child?" Kai asked.
Jim nodded in response.
"Then unless he is dead, there is no excuse for him not standing by your side. Children are very precious, and they need love from both parents," Kai told him seriously. "Have you considered taking another mate?"
Jim blinked at him, getting the sense that they were venturing into dangerous territory.
"My job does not allow for meeting many suitable candidates," he responded, trying to get away from this topic without being rude.
"I would be honored if you would take me as a mate," Kai informed him, reaching forward to touch his hand gently, stroking Jim's palm with his thumb. "I would raise your son as my own. And Delta IV would be happy to have an ambassador representing them aboard such a distinguished ship as the Enterprise."
Jim has not been touched so gently and affectionately in so long, and he was lonely and sad and pregnant and horny and vulnerable, and he wondered if maybe Deltan pheromones did still affect pregnant people, but maybe not as much?
"I..." he began to respond, breath catching in his throat as Kai brought his hand up to his mouth for a chaste kiss to his palm.
"You do not have to decide now," Kai informed him. "I am quite taken with you, but I can wait. I will petition my government for a posting aboard the Enterprise, and I will court you and take care of you as you deserve."
Jim didn't know what to say. He wanted to tell Kai 'no' - he wanted to tell him about the extenuating circumstances with Spock and that he would wait forever if he had to.
But what if Spock never remembered? What if Spock married Uhura and had a baby with her and when Jim had his son he didn't even care?
And Jim has been so alone...even with Bones hovering like a mother hen and Chekov making him Russian foods and Sulu giving him all sorts of plants and Scotty fixing up a state-of-the-art playroom for the baby...
Because his friends and crew were amazing, but they were not his lover. Jim missed the touch of naked skin against his own, and he didn't want to touch anyone else - he didn't, it would be unfaithful to Spock - but Spock was unfaithful to him, even if he didn't know it...
And he was just so lonely.
So he just nodded in acquiesce to Kai's proposal. He hadn't really agreed to anything serious...courting wasn't even dating, really. It was like...deciding whether you should date.
And it would be nice to have somebody there for him...
Spock watched as the Deltan ambassador brought the captain's hand up to his lips, and he felt the strong, instinctive urge to go over and rip the bald, handsome man away.
And then rip him apart with his bare hands.
It was not logical to feel this way - it would not be logical even had the ambassador been touching Nyota such a way, and it was even more illogical that he was feeling so defensive of the captain, who was barely a friend and who most certainly could defend himself.
But he saw the way the captain's eyes softened as the ambassador whispered something, low and intimate, and Spock decided that it was his duty as first officer to make sure that the captain was not being taken advantage of in his vulnerable state.
No one was telling him how, exactly, the captain was four months pregnant. The procedure for male pregnancy was not extremely risky - but it was not undertaken without much consideration. Spock sometimes wondered who the other father was, and what happened to him, because the captain often looked sad whenever someone asked.
Spock excused himself from his conversation with Nyota and headed towards the table where the ambassador and the captain were sitting.
"Captain. Ambassador," Spock greeted with a deferential nod of his head.
The captain smiled at him sadly, and the ambassador's gaze did not waver from the human's handsome face as they gave their own greetings in response.
Spock wondered when he began to think of the captain as handsome, because while James Kirk could certainly be considered aesthetically appealing by most humanoid standards, Spock had never been one to notice such things.
He had a flash of the captain on his back, full pink lips curved in a sweet smile as he lay back against white sheets, face and erection flushed as he placed a hand on his gently curving stomach, beckoning Spock forward.
Spock blinked, the fantasy gone in a second as the captain welcomed him into his conversation with the ambassador.
Spock felt another surge of illogical anger as Ambassador Kai of Delta IV informed him of his intent to join the Enterprise on their next mission, and perhaps beyond.
He would not allow this being to take advantage of his captain's vulnerable state.
Three months later...
Nyota gave him a chaste kiss good-bye before Spock headed towards the transporter. Spock stood stiffly until she pulled back to stand beside the captain, who was grinning tensely.
Perhaps he was tired? The captain was seven months pregnant, after all, and still working just as diligently as he was at the beginning of their mission. Ambassador Kai was standing behind him, hand resting gently but possessively on the captain's back.
"Come back safe, guys," the captain told Spock, Sulu, and Ensign Smythe. "That's an order."
The ensign straightened his posture even more in response, proud to have been chosen for this mission by his captain. Sulu shot his captain a small grin while Spock gave a sharp nod before they were beamed down to the planet.
Everything that could go wrong, did. Although the captain was not there to offend the natural inhabitants of the planet, Sulu managed to do so in his place.
Spock luckily managed to get all three of them to safety, before ordering Scotty to beam them back up to the Enterprise.
"Duck!" Sulu told him, dark eyes wide as he gazed over Spock's shoulder.
Spock did not have time to react, and the last thing he felt before he faded into unconsciousness was the strange sensation of dematerializing.
Spock dreamt - but they were not truly dreams, but his missing memories.
his association with Nyota because though he cared for her, he did
not love her as she loved him. She accepted his decision, though he
could tell that she was hiding her true emotions beneath friendship
and professionalism... Captain Kirk inviting him to his
quarters for a chess game, and Spock turning him down... Captain
Kirk offending their hosts and getting them into a dangerous
situation, and then his unique creative brilliance getting them out.
He took a hit meant for Spock, and it was the first time since his
mother that someone else had put his needs before their
own... Captain Kirk smiling at him from the biobed...the
captain's chair...the bench in the mess hall... Calling the
captain "Jim" for the first time... Bonding together
over another dangerous mission... Being stuck in that cave for
three days, with nothing but Jim's faith and hope and optimistic
spirit, and having to huddle together at night for warmth. Jim's skin
was so smooth... Bonding together over chess... Sharing
stories of their childhoods - Jim's stepfather and Spock's bullies -
over whiskey and chocolate... Spock jumped in front of the
spear meant for his captain, and he got a salty (tears, Jim was
crying for him...) kiss as his reward. As his vision went black, he
thought that he could not regret giving his life for his
captain...and his love... Waking up in sickbay, Jim sleeping
in the chair beside his bed... T'hy'la. Pon farr...so
afraid of hurting Jim...but Jim understood, and he helped him through
it...and he tried to hide the bruises after it was done... Jim's
mind...golden and warm and welcoming...absolute trust and
unconditional love.... More missions...more love...the way
they moved together so perfectly...Jim getting him to loosen up and
laugh every once in a while, in private... Going to Dr. McCoy
- and the procedure was successful. Jim was going to have their
child...their son... Jim throwing up in the mornings...Jim
flushed from their love-making at night... Jim kissing him
good-bye before he left for his first away mission without his
captain and his lover... Running, and running, and running -
he needed to get back to the Enterprise. He needed to get back to his
lover and his child...
Everything went black...
Captain Kirk inviting him to his quarters for a chess game, and Spock turning him down...
Captain Kirk offending their hosts and getting them into a dangerous situation, and then his unique creative brilliance getting them out. He took a hit meant for Spock, and it was the first time since his mother that someone else had put his needs before their own...
Captain Kirk smiling at him from the biobed...the captain's chair...the bench in the mess hall...
Calling the captain "Jim" for the first time...
Bonding together over another dangerous mission...
Being stuck in that cave for three days, with nothing but Jim's faith and hope and optimistic spirit, and having to huddle together at night for warmth. Jim's skin was so smooth...
Bonding together over chess...
Sharing stories of their childhoods - Jim's stepfather and Spock's bullies - over whiskey and chocolate...
Spock jumped in front of the spear meant for his captain, and he got a salty (tears, Jim was crying for him...) kiss as his reward. As his vision went black, he thought that he could not regret giving his life for his captain...and his love...
Waking up in sickbay, Jim sleeping in the chair beside his bed...
Pon farr...so afraid of hurting Jim...but Jim understood, and he helped him through it...and he tried to hide the bruises after it was done...
Jim's mind...golden and warm and welcoming...absolute trust and unconditional love....
More missions...more love...the way they moved together so perfectly...Jim getting him to loosen up and laugh every once in a while, in private...
Going to Dr. McCoy - and the procedure was successful. Jim was going to have their child...their son...
Jim throwing up in the mornings...Jim flushed from their love-making at night...
Jim kissing him good-bye before he left for his first away mission without his captain and his lover...
Running, and running, and running -
he needed to get back to the Enterprise. He needed to get back to his
lover and his child...
Spock woke up in sickbay with a start, breathing heavily and sweating. His head turned to the chair besides his bed.
Instead of his Jim - his t'hy'la - he saw instead Nyota.
How could he have forgotten?
"Spock!" Nyota exclaimed with relief, leaning forward for a kiss.
Spock turned his head, not able to stand the thought of her touching him, especially when he had left his t'hy'la alone and pregnant and vulnerable for four months...
How could he have forgotten? The way Jim looked at him with love...under him with lust...beside him in trust.
Spock got up, needing to find his t'hy'la - needing to apologize and beg forgiveness and promise that he would never, ever forget again, if only Jim would take him back into his arms. He needed Jim to know that he was sorry, that he loved Jim and their child more than anything...
"Who said you could get up, you stubborn..." Dr. McCoy muttered, walking up to Spock and attempting to force him back into the bed.
"Where is my mate?" Spock asked darkly. "Where is Jim?"
He heard Nyota gasp in emotional pain behind him, but he did not care.
He could not care for anyone but Jim and his child at the moment.
Dr. McCoy gaped for a second, before recovering himself.
"About time you remembered...I guess that second blow to your hard head actually did the trick..." the doctor joked. "And Jim is probably sleeping, I imagine. He is seven months pregnant, you know..."
Spock stiffened at the reminder of all the time with Jim he had lost...he had missed watching Jim's body grow and change...missed the flush pregnancy had put on Jim's cheeks...
And then he remembered Ambassador Kai...
What if Jim, in his pain, had turned to the other?
Spock knew that he would not blame his t'hy'la. He knew how much Jim feared being left alone - being abandoned.
Spock walked out of sickbay stiffly, ignoring Dr. McCoy's protests and Nyota's pleas. He needed to see Jim, to talk to him, to beg forgiveness - no matter what the outcome may be.
Spock stopped at the door to their quarters - to Jim's quarters. He has not lived here for four months...he wondered if Jim had made any changes...Spock entered his code, wondering if it would still work...
Spock stopped inside the doorway, letting the door close behind him. Jim was curled up on his side in the middle of the bed, Spock's pillow gripped tightly to his chest.
Spock could not deny the guilt and pain he felt at the sight of tear tracks on Jim's beautiful face, contorted in loneliness and grief even in sleep.
And he could not deny the relief he felt at the thought that Jim still missed him - still loved him - and that relief was magnified by the absence of Ambassador Kai in Jim's bed.
His t'hy'a shifted a little bit, and the blanket slipped down his body, revealing his heavy stomach. Jim shivered at the cold, and Spock stepped forward.
He was just going to fix the blanket for Jim...he didn't want his lover to be cold...it had nothing at all to do with the overwhelming desire to touch Jim - to touch his face, and caress the rest of his body, but most especially his stomach, which was round with their child...
Jim's eyes fluttered open sleepily when Spock pulled the blanket up.
"Spock?" Jim whispered, voice husky from sleep. "Don't...go away. I don't want to have this dream again tonight. Just...just leave me alone. It's always worse when I wake up."
Spock's heart broke at the pain in his t'hy'la's voice. He dropped to his knees beside their bed, reaching out a hand to brush the tears from Jim's cheeks.
"You are not dreaming," Spock reassured him.
Jim let out a choked laugh, but there was no amusement in the sound.
"You say that every time..." he whispered, burying his face in Spock's pillow. "Your pillow doesn't even smell like you anymore..."
That last, heartbroken admission snapped something in Spock, and he could not help but lay beside Jim, over the covers. He needed to be close to his lover...he needed to reassure him...
"I am here, Jim...I remember everything, and I am sorry that I ever forgot," Spock told him, wiping away the tears that were just falling faster.
Jim let out a hitching sob, his hand falling to his stomach to cradle it protectively.
"M'sorry, baby," Jim whispered to himself - to their son, closing his eyes and refusing to look at Spock. "I know this isn't good for you. I have to be happy, so you'll be happy."
Spock's hand fell down to that bump as well, starting when he felt movement underneath the skin.
Their son...he had missed so much...
Spock swore to himself that he would not miss anymore. He would prove to Jim that he was not going to leave him - not again.
But Jim had already fallen back into a fitful sleep, and Spock did not dare wake him. He looked so tired...
So the Vulcan slipped underneath the covers, huddling closer to his pregnant lover.
They could talk again in the morning.