Thanks to my Beta TheRimmerConnection

Kevin Darling was a man of few words. Mostly he tried not too talk to much, which he unfortunately did. He tried not to blab or say irrational things like 'I enjoy paperclips,' or 'Blackadder is a git!'.
He tried mostly to lie. And not tell truths like: 'Doris has left me,' and 'I wish I would shut up sometimes,' and 'Blackadder's hair looks stunningly good today.'

He was a man in great peril.

He felt rather emotional and whiny .

And yet, now he found himself wanting to tell someone all those things. He wanted to tell every little secret he ever hid or had tried to forget.
Maybe it was because he felt it was time for opening up… or maybe it was because he was dying.

Well, he wasn't quite sure if he was actually dying, but everything seemed blurry-ish and he thought he could hear the voices of his dead relatives. Especially his mother saying stuff like 'Oh, you disappoint me so,' and 'I will never have grandchildren if you don't marry soon.' Also, he had used the word 'blurry-ish' which wasn't grammatically correct. Not to forget that he was lying in a battlefield and the bullet wound in his chest was rather painful.

Yes, Kevin Darling was definitely dying.

"Darling, are you all right?" Edmund asked, kneeling.

"Oh yes," Kevin answered, wincing in pain. "Although, it will take hours to clean this uniform of blood!" he added rather, annoyed.

"Yes, that is certainly the most important business to deal with right now. Why notice the whirling bullets and the dying soldiers, tossed screaming into the pits of hell when you have blood on your jacket?" Edmund said rolling his eyes.

"Well, it was expensive!"

"No it wasn't Darling, you got it free from the army."

"Do not question my statements, Blackadder. I have the horrid feeling that I'm dying."

"Yeah, that is rather horrid," Edmund answered, scratching his awesome moustache. "Maybe we could stop the bleeding with something."

"Just leave me here to die alone, thinking of memories lost…"

"Don't be so whiny Darling."

Edmund thought he was whiny?

"I am not whiny Blackadder! And that's Captain Darling to you."

Edmund sighed tired. "We are, as you may have noticed, in the middle of No Man's Land, this is not the time to discuss formalities! Now, I will help you, before some idiot fires a bullet at me, confusing me with a piñata…"

Always so stupidly witty.

Kevin knew he had to tell a truth right now, before he actually passed on.

"I like your hair," he blurted out, not knowing what he was saying.


"It's shiny and well-kempt."

Edmund couldn't really believe this. He had thought that Darling was sane. Not, sensible and intelligent like himself, but still not as hair-grippingly idiotic as the other lunatics who surrounded him.

"You like my hair?" he hissed.

"And your moustache is rather exotic."


"But you're still a git," Kevin hissed back. It was beginning to be difficult to get air into lungs and his breath was squeaky.

"Are you trying to tell me that… you fancy my Sinewy Body?"

"I most sincerely don't!" Kevin whispered back, fighting for his breath.

Edmund decided that, even though Kevin was a bit of a weirdo, he really ought to try to save him. He therefore placed his hands over the wound, trying to stop the bleeding.

Kevin Darling gasped in pain and horror at the fact that Blackadder's hands felt rather comfortable on his chest. Even though they were covered in his blood, resting on ghastly gore.

"I think I have to let something go," Kevin squeaked.

Edmund had a feeling that the phrase 'Your life' wouldn't be appreciated and it maybe was a bit too honest.

"You want to confess?" Edmund said instead, looking pale. "I am not a priest, though that would have been much more exciting compared to this."

Kevin ignored him. "Although I always liked Doris, I don't think she still loves me. I have grown concerned that she has found a new man, and I don't know if I'm sad about it. Sometimes it hits me that I don't really love-"

"Oh God..." Edmund sighed.

"Are you not amused Blackadder?" Kevin hissed at him sending him hate through his eyes.

"No. Despite the fact you're dying, I am not happy. But the memory will keep me warm on chilly nights."

"Shut up!" Kevin snapped.

He did not want be reminded that he probably wouldn't be here in about five minutes.

"Just listen to me," he said, sighing and then coughing violently.

"I am listening," Edmund answered dully. "Can't say I want to join all the other dying soldiers. This is like reading 'King Lear' before acting it out. Very amusing," he said sarcastically. "Get on with it."

"I don't really know if I ever loved Doris. She has a beautiful smile, and I like the way she licks her finger before turning a page in a book, but I... I am confused."

"About what?" Edmund asked bored.

Kevin breathed heavily. Or tried to without coughing blood. Apparently he was going to say something important. Edmund didn't think he would find it exciting or worth listening to.

"Once in middle school I sneaked glances at other boys while showering. Especially this one boy, Jonathan, he was very beautiful. Of course I came to my senses whe-"

"Oh God," Edmund repeated. "You do fancy me,"

"I only said I liked your hair," Kevin answered angry, not looking at him.

"You told me that my moustache is 'exotic'," Edmund pointed out. "To my ears that doesn't even sound half as macho as the famous whoopsie Whoopsie Whoopsington."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, Darling. I am rambling. A slip of the tongue." He smiled. "I guess now, that you would like a slip of my tongue."

"Don't be so vulgar! You are insane."

"Shut up Darling and keep still," Edmund answered. "You are bleeding."

"Is it bad?" asked Kevin, really not wanting to know the answer.

Edmund looked at him. "Pretty bad."

"Will..." Kevin started, but found it hard to finish the sentence. "Will I… live?"

"Maybe you should just tell me more about yourself..."


Edmund looked down at his hands covered in Kevin Darling's blood. He loathed the man, he really did. But right now, he couldn't bear the thought of him dying. He secretly wished that Baldrick had trodden on a landmine and Lieutenant George was being tortured right now somewhere, but... But to have someone to die in his arms, even though he couldn't stand him, was way too much right now.

"Was I a good man?" Kevin asked, looking at the sky.

"Are you asking me if you were a good man?"

What was wrong with him? Edmund didn't fancy sitting here, bullets whizzing past his ears.

"Just answer, Blackadder," Kevin hissed.

"Darling, you really are as good as a really good priest who has won a medal for being really good and now is helping an old lady over the street on his way to a 'Save the Rainforest' meeting," Edmund said uncomfortably. He hated compliments. He hated to get them from morons, and he hated to give them to anyone. "You are also a complete git."

"Thank you," Darling answered, still looking at the sky. "It's beginning to rain," he added.

Edmund sighed. "Perfect."

"I can't feel my legs," Darling whispered, fear in his eyes.

"Well, isn't this jolly?"

"This is no time to make jokes Blackadder!" Darling said, as loud and demandingly as possible, but the squeaky-sounds didn't do much to aid this impression.

"Oh, it never is, is it?"

"I am dying, you unbelievable, selfish, narcissistic idiot, with your head the size of the Thames!"

"You're too kind," Edmund answered, looking at his hands. "I'm sorry," he silently added.

Kevin breathed heavily, his lip wobbling slightly.

"And we are all going to die; we won't live through this. You can't weasel out of this one Blackadder."

"I did my best," he said and tried to control his voice. He thought the shaking was rather out of control.

"We will be forgotten, no one will remember our names," Darling said and laid a hand on Edmunds.

Edmund found it slightly wrong, this new experience of being so close to Captain Darling. Nonetheless, he answered with an:

"I promise to remember you."

"Oh, thank you very much," said Darling sarcastically.

They sat there in silence, not looking at each other. Blackadder could feel the Captain becoming cold under his hands.

"It's raining," Kevin whispered.

Edmund looked up at the sky, at the clouds. He then lowered his eyes and looked into Darling's face. His eyes were empty and his skin pale.

Edmund Blackadder kneeled over, his head on the chest of Kevin Darling.

When the first raindrops hit him, he finally gave in to the tears.